partner

my doctor told me I should not have to tell anyone that I have HPV, but I keep thinking that it's not fair if  I get involved with someone, and not tell the person.  How dangerous is it not to tell my partner?

[ibizan]

i think ur doc is all wet....some of these docs cannot put themselves in our places..how would u like it if someone had genital herpes in remission/they had an outbreak and didn't tell u and u got it?i've seen it happen!i think all of us have the right to question potential partners of their history for our OWN health which is numero uno 2 me after my HPV and LEEP.I don't want any more health issues with this and the best for me to safeguard myself is to ask and disclose and if a potential partner balks...then too bad....goodbye...my health is 2 valuable 2 me.

[Linda126]

Thanks Ibizan:

I have been so out of my self since i found out that I had HPV, and then my doctor telling me that I could go on without telling anyone, it was very strange because i was angry myself that I was not told by the person that had it.  How could I do that to someone? anyway I appreciate it.  I appreciate it

[ibizan]

i know xactly how u feel!if a man doesn't have warts he really doesn't know he has it for there is no test for a man for non-wart bearing strain!do u have warts?or HPV found on the cervix?

[empathy60]

Doctors say you don't have to necessarily tell anyone because chance of transmission reaches practically zero eventually, and especially in cases of high risk because it doesn't affect a man as much as a woman.  But if you want to tell, you absolutely can.  HPV is one of those diseases with tricky ethics, as Dr. HHH states "the science isn't clear, so neither are the ethics".  This is a disease that you will have to make up your own mind about when it comes to disclosure guidelines.  The rule of thumb is that if you're choosing NOT to tell, the best idea is to wait 6 months until you are free from wart outbreaks, or in the case of high risk, when your paps return to normal.  If you're the type of person who wouldn't be comfortable keeping this quiet, then you absolutely can tell- it's all each HPV infected individual's choice.

I guess as far as being mad at the partner who gave this to you, you have to question if they truly knew they were blatantly contagious or not.  The person who gave this to me didn't know he was infected.  And there really was no way for him to know since he was asymptomatic and there's no test for men.  I'm not particularly mad at him for that (sort of, I guess- but I mean, he didn't know).  Of course, I'm still very hurt and angry with him, but for different reasons (ditching me without so much as a goodbye, starting a new relationship instantaneously while leaving me alone with this, etc.).  If we were together though, I doubt I'd be as upset...

[ibizan]

disclosing......and than theres the issue of asking a potential partner to disclose to us which i have no problem with.....i would disclose my high risk hpv and what I went thru with LEEP....and if other party was not empathetic to that would show a total lack of respect and caring towards me which we all know is RED FLAG!i'm sorry what ur partner did to u...i can empathize......mine relapsed with cocaine and turned in2 a cretin and the cowardly manner in which he left our relationship was pathetic but hindsight showed he did me a major favor.  when i told him about the HPV he screamed cussed me out...it was insult atop injury.....and u know what i mean!just remember new girl ain't gettin a bargain and he will repeat with her what he did to u most likely!

[empathy60]

Yeah, who knows how it will be with her.  Recovering from the situation with him is still hard for me, especially having to deal with all this.  She is the old girlfriend and I was a new fling, so maybe it will be better for her.  Well, as much better as it can be if she knows he slept with me (and others) during their break and probably brought HPV back to her.  But obviously they had enough problems to break up, so I doubt things are golden...

As if the emotional stuff wasn't hard enough having to physically deal with this and the impact it might carry over into my future relationships is devastating.  I'm young, so it's just hard having to deal with it all.  I'm sorry to hear about your ex and his immature reaction.  Thankfully, I didn't have to deal with that.

[ibizan]

the saying is true we can't help who we fall for.....and u did have to deal with a very immature man...current girl x now on again is not to be envied!Sounds like he is not capable of being in a mature monogomous relationship.I used to say that chemistry can blow up on one...it sure proved true in my sit.....and u r so right...u r young and this has such an impact on ur future relationships.All of mine happened in 2006...it still bothers me a bit but not like it did....it is getting more liveable but then i am older and out of the dating scene which is ok!My hopes for u young ppl is that u'll encounter a person who cares who is honest and will care about u which will lay a foundation for a mature monogomous relationship i think their are some who still believe in that.....i cannot give up hope on that one and maybe someday i will chance upon it but its not important now!

[LiLCeCe]

Well the real truth about it is that you don't have to tell if you don't want to. Females can't give HPV to anyone. Only men are carriers of HPV. so it's not like you can spread it. It's really a personal choice if you want to tell people but it's not really a necessity to tell them because you can't give them HPV. I think if a man has it and he knew about it then he should've told you or any man that has it should be telling the woman that he is involved with.

[ibizan]

a woman can give a man the non wart bearing strain of HPV which is high risk.....he can give it to another woman and it can take up residence on her cervix......how do u think it gets to be on the womans cervix?he caught it from another woman!a man gives it to her!there are over 40 strains of HPV...2 of which r low risk the wart bearing type and the other that go to the cervix.A woman can get high risk HPV over and over on her cervix.....the man really suffers nothing with this strain.no one doesn't have to tell them.....but i would sure want to know where they've been....having another LEEP is not something i want 2 go thru again.

[empathy60]

In the case of high risk (causes cancer/cervical changes) you can most definitely give it to him, but he just won't show any symptoms.  But of course, he can pass it to another woman as ibizan says.  Though they are called "carriers" they do indeed have HPV.  And in the case of low risk (wart causing) HPV you can give it to them and they can show symptoms (warts).  But like you said, this is something one has to decide if they're divulging or not after a certain amount of time.  It's a personal choice and I won't tell anyone how to make it, it's up to them.

[ibizan]

i know i sound like a broken record....BUT if u choose not to disclose to him then he does not hafta disclose 2 u right?and u could be getting more than what u bargained 4....and never wanted!

[empathy60]

I think it's still important to ask if he has known STD still in its contagious stage (or a lifelong one).  But if someone had a past genital warts/HPV outbreak and could no longer transmit it to me and didn't tell me about their past infection, I wouldn't be upset.  Mainly because they couldn't harm me.  Not disclosing about your PAST HPV infection doesn't mean you have to stop talking about STI's entirely.  If your infection has cleared and you're no longer able to transmit it, I don't see the point in putting yourself through that sort of torture.  If you're still actively contagious, then I believe it's important to discuss this and disclose.  But I don't see the point in anyone who had any curable (by the immune system or medicine) STD at one point (chlamydia, gonorrhea, pubic lice, etc.) which has cleared up and isn't transmittable bringing up their past non-contagious infection.  You can still talk about STI status, I just think you don't have to necessarily disclose you had active HPV at one point and aren't able to transmit it anymore, seems pointless.  Anyway, not trying to be rude and I respect your opinions.  I guess I just look at it differently.

[ibizan]

ur  not being rude...and u  make excellent points!And for u younger women who are pretty much still in the dating/mating game i understand where ur coming from.I'm not concerned with that anymore.I just got my second pap test post LEEP.It was clear.One more in August if that clear i can go a year now.That is such a peace of mind for me.My primary concern is what someone else could be bringing to me......and for me....full discussion of any past std cleared is important....as well as any current.I don't want a second LEEP..i'm fortunate i have good insurance for it not this would've cost me thousands $$$$$$$ and again this 52 yr.old gal feels the sex ain't worth it!

[mayflowers]

You know, the sad thing about HPV is that most people don't even know they have it.  Men don't know they high risk HPV, they only know if they warts.  Otherwise, it can't be diagnosed.  A lot of women don't get the HPV test and even if their paps are normal, they could still have HPV.  This is a quiet and common disease.  I think it's good to be tested for everything you possibly can and if you are starting a new relationship, both get tested for everything.  But here's the thing,  The guy could still have high risk HPV and not know.  Sooooo, you think you're safe from everything but in reality you're not.  Now if the guy (or girl) has warts, they should tell but what if that was 2 yrs ago?  Are you going to still tell?  I don't think you have to disclose that.  If it's current or within 6 months, yes, you should tell.

I know people with herpes that don't tell people AND they don't use condoms.  Now that is wrong and abusive.  But hpv?  Geez, most people already have it anyway.  Not to say you shouldn't still use condoms and abstain from sex if you KNOW you have an active HPV case but otherwise, how is one going to know that they even have this???

I'm reading all these threads where people say they have low risk HPV.  Well, if you got low risk, you also have high risk b/c high is even more common.  Or the people that say they don't have it.  Well, if you have had sex with at least 3 people, you got at least 1 and most likely 2 or more strains of it.  Dr. Handsfield said that 50% of the  women get hpv within the first year that they b/c sexually active.  It's as common as the cold and also unavoidable.

If you want to avoid it, get vaccinated.  Otherwise, if you're past 21 and have had 3 or more partners, just assume you have it and keep going for your paps.

The worst culprits of all this is the doctors themselves.  My dr. told me that high risk HPV was "rare".  Some people think that you have to premiscous to get HPV.  Not true.  I know people who only slept with 1 person and they have it.  

When I told my dr  that at least 80% of women have it by the time they are 50 she said that's too high.  I fired her within days of that conversation b/c she was an idiot and I dont' need an idiot dr' trying to treat me.

That's my rant for this evening.  Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the springtime.  G'nite!

[ibizan]

u give a good rant girl!what ppl choose to disclose is their biz...i'd still wanna know all.....i would tell all....and someones willingness to do this and be completely open is the litmus test of whether or not they'd be a good friend and a good partner!my allergies r enjoying all the blossoming everything for spring!:)))

[ibizan]

more of my ramblings.....U know there is a core group of women my age and maybe some younger who have chosen abstinence as a way of avoiding re-infection with HPV and other std's...notice i say my age for women in their 50's for the most part are past the age/stage of having that libidinal energy and desire to attract and secure a partner we have learned many lessons in life...we have chosen to focus our energies on other things.I've never just gone out and had sex to have sex....i still b-lieve in monogomy and fidelity....foreign concepts to many it seems in this day and age and find it so disheartening  and scary that at my age i have be vigilant about std's and condom use.I know its the age of Aquarious or something else?LOL!i am prepared for celibacy again and thats cool....i really abhor whats available to me in partners my age and their mindset....megayuck!whats meant to be will be despite what Patty Stanger sez on How to Marry a Millionaire...ladies no man(and she sez this to the men 2)will accept u the way u r..u have to get a makeover to please and attract them!a modern Marabel Morgan!now that was a disgusting book!:))))))

[mayflowers]

I get what you're saying ibizan.  Romantic relationships are hard, even when find a great match.  I don't think that marriage or a committed relationship is for everyone.   Sometimes, many times, it's much less hassle to go it alone.  I am happily committed now but I don't want to get married again.  Some people don't understand this but to me marriage it way to complicated. I'm very selfish and like to do things my way so there's always a struggle.  I like knowing that I can leave or he can leave without have to pay a lawyer $$$$$.  We are together b/c we want to be not b/c we have to be.  Of course, no kids are involved so it's just the 2 of us.  

I don't know who those authors are, but they are just trying to sell books, relationships aren't an exact science.  I read the relationship and divorce/breakup forums and man, what people do to each other is amazing.

But, life is a risk and relationships are always risky.  If that risk isn't worth it or you just  feel that the pool of people you have to choose from is less than desirable, then why put yourself through the trials of a relationship just to fit in with what society/culture tells you is "normal"?  Many people are much more productive alone then when they are in a relationship.  It's a very individual choice.  

have a great day ibizan. Your posts are always fun to read!!

[ibizan]

i'm with ya dear!Maybe someday i will encounter a guy like u have.....it is a sweet deal!not interested in marriage but could be in a committed relationship which with x is what i wanted and thought thats what he wanted!Did u ever read the The Total Woman by Marabel Morgan in the 70's?Gave us alleged tips on how to be the purrfect woman,wife and get what we wanted from our mates!such rubbish!Remember Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes wrapping herself in saran wrap and greeting hub at the door thinking he'd be stimulated?he barreled past her for the fried chicken dinner and the tv remote!LOL!thats where her idea came from!I've never cottoned to what society dictates as normal.....always marched 2 the beat of my own drum..and always will!happiness is created within.....the bear lies sleeping at home on the hearth and no need to go in2 the tangled jungle searching for it!dig ur posts as well!:)))

[empathy60]

I agree with you that HPV disclosure, especially in cases where the virus is no longer active, is indeed something that one shouldn't have to bring up anymore once not contagious.  Like you said, if I elected to have a partner before the 6 months of no symptoms time frame elapsed, of course the obvious and ethical thing to do would be to inform them of my infection. But if you can't infect someone anymore because your body has put the virus in check, I don't see the point in disclosing.

"I'm reading all these threads where people say they have low risk HPV.  Well, if you got low risk, you also have high risk b/c high is even more common.  Or the people that say they don't have it.  Well, if you have had sex with at least 3 people, you got at least 1 and most likely 2 or more strains of it."

While HPV infection is very, very common, some people are lucky enough to avoid it for a great deal of time (if not, a lifetime).  I am afflicted with low risk HPV, but not high risk as far as I know and have been told by doctors.  I've had very thorough testing done and so far I am known only to have a low risk strain, and I've just recently gotten the vaccine.  But you are right that most people who have been with at least three people have some strain of HPV.  And who sleeps with only three people in a lifetime in this century, lol?  In most cases HPV is simply unavoidable.  I used condoms with every partner and still got it!  Like Dr. HHH says, HPV infection is just a normal part of being a sexually active being.

[mayflowers]

I hope for your sake that you are one of the lucky ones and getting the vaccine will protect from the other more common types.  You could be young enough to not have been exposed to it yet.  Using condoms is the best idea you could ever have.  It will protect from things much worse that hpv.    I think you have a lot to offer this forum as I can tell you have researched this a lot.  Your answers are always on the mark.

However, here is why I say that someone could have high risk HPV and not know it though.  I knew a woman (from my hpv support group) )who had an abnormal pap and had to have LEEP.  Her hpv tests were never positive so she thought her abnormal pap was caused by something genetic.  Her insurance changed and she had to switch dr's.  Well, the new dr. tested her and the hpv was positive and she also had an abnormal pap (which turned out ok, no LEEP this time).  The new dr. told her IF the previous physician had not swabbed enough or the right area, then the sample tested could be negative for high risk HPV.  How scary is that???!!!  I wonder how often this happens too.  Dr.'s get in rush, don't take enough care for a sample or they may not understand how to look for hpv, I can see that happening.  I'm sorry to say that I've met some bad dr's in my time.

Or what if the high risk HPV is lying dormant?  It won't show up as positive on the test (like my test is now showing negative yet I know that I did at one time have high risk HPV.)  Many woman have it and it goes away before getting tested.


I guess the best advice I would tell a woman is to keep getting yearly paps to nip anything in bud.  No one should get cervical cancer.  If the abnormal cells are caught and removed early enough, you can be pretty certain that while you'll die of something, it won't be cervical cancer.   I just don't want people to fall into a false sense of security about high risk hpv b/c they are testing negative.  It's easier to assume that if you are over 21, have had a few partners, you probably been exposed and to see a GOOD dr. regularly.  

Hey, I've never had warts but I know I had to be exposed to low risk hpv.  I always tell my dr. to check me carefully but she hasn't found any.  Still, if one pops up, I doubt it would surprise me.  

That's just my thoughts on this whole hpv thing.