Hysterectomy Community
Lost and looking for help
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This patient support community is for discussions relating to hysterectomy, such as: abdominal hysterectomy, bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy, Laparoscopic Hysterectomy, LAVH, menopause, Oopherectomy, ovarian cysts, pelvic pain, radical hysterectomy, subtotal hysterectomy, supracervical or partial hysterectomy, uterine fibroids, and vaginal hysterectomy.

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Lost and looking for help

My wife had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago.Before the proceedure we had a great sex life and were close. I guess being busy with life as is everyone, i did not see the slow change in my wife. The sex became less and she seem to be just going through the motions and not really enjoying it as pre-surgery. She became more distant towards me. Last year we had a big blow-up which resulted in her staying and sleeping in another part of the house. I was afraid our 10 years of marraige might be over. I was devistated and told her i would do whatever is takes to save our marraige and she agreed. We started marraige counsuling and i thought we were going in the right direction. She even started to go to counsuling for herself(differt counsuler) to work on some issues be cause she seem to be emotionally disconnected from me. She says she loves me but has no desire for any intimacy and as far as sex she said she could care less if she ever has it again. I told her all i want is for some affection not asking for sex and have been very patient. Just the last few months is when i started researching the effects of a hysterectomy and l started to belive that this is a big part of what is going on with our relationship. She is now talking about leaving the marraige because she says its not fare to me. I told her i am willing to do what ever it takes as i love her more than anything and dont want to loss her. she still goes to therapy as do i but we now go seperately. She is 45 and i am 50, she is willing to keep trying for now but if her feelings do not change soon that she will leave. I am lost and hurting and would do anything for her to help her. she is making another appointment with her gyn, i think she needs some kind of harmone threapy but she is afraid of possible side affects due to family history. I no she feels badly also about our relationship too and she admitts she is not the same person as before the surgery. I miss my wife so badly and dont want to lose her. I dont no what else to do. Looking for any help. Thank you, bob
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She is probably feeling guilty at the loss to you of her libido.  And as you say, it is probably from the loss of her ovaries, which are the source of her estrogen.  Please ask her to discuss this with the ob-gyn to see if she can be a candidate for hormone replacement therapy, but I would caution you to say this to her with the greatest of sensitivity.  If you come at her like "Take hormones, that will fix you so I can have sex again," she will be ready to take the next bus to the state line.  But if you say, "Look, I love you and I'm staying.  Could you possibly ask about hormone replacement therapy, not necessarily because of sex, but because it is good for you in other ways?  It improves the bones, the skin, and is good for the heart.  And if it slowly brings back some sensuality, that would be fine, too.  But I am not asking you to do it for that reason," then she might feel better about it.  The key here is for you to act happy with life together with her no matter how it comes (remember, "in sickness and in health") and to be ready to face things with her and not to want in your heart to get out.

In the meantime, learn some surreptitious hand tricks, so you don't go crazy.  If she will join you in that (her hand, your ***), then thank her very much.
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