Questions about post-hysterectomy from concerned husband

[lostsoul2]

My 30 year old wife had a hysterectomy 3 months ago.  They took the uterus and cervix but kept the ovaries.  I certainly can't understand what she is going through, but I try to be as supportive as I can.  Physically she feels fine, but she seems like a different person to me.  Her Dr. put her on Cymbalta for depression which seemed to help, but she stopped taking it and I don't dare ask about it.  I know she is going through a tough time, but I am asking any women with experience just how I should react and what I can do to help her.  I cherish her and it kills me to know she's feeling as bad as she does.  She says she just feels so empty.  Is this normal?  She won't go to counseling, so that is out of the question.  We have 3 kids at home, 11, 9, and 4 that I am trying to convince that everything is ok, but they sense a change as well.  I guess I'm looking for advice on what I can do to help her and get her through this.  I would go to the ends of the earth for her and it kills me to not know what to do.  I am desperate to understand how she feels.

[Frenchie3]

I don't want to dismiss any of the very important comments made here nor do I wish for a second to suggest that this is just a physical thing.  The emotional impact of this surgery is unimaginable for many women.

Having said that, practically, I know from personal experience that getting some exercise, sunlight, and healthy foods make a HUGE difference in my ability to cope with depression.  If you can help by ensuring there are healthy food options in the house, encouraging your wife and kids to come with you for some walks or even to the playground, it might just put her mood and hormones over the edge to the point where she feels well enough to help herself a bit more.

Remember that the problem with depression is that one of the biggest symptoms is that you don't want to get help.  Getting over that threshold where you can gain enough insight into yourself to want to get help is vital.

Sounds like you are an incredible husband.  Power to you.  I wish you the best.

[Frenchie3]

I don't want to dismiss any of the very important comments made here nor do I wish for a second to suggest that this is just a physical thing.  The emotional impact of this surgery is unimaginable for many women.

Having said that, practically, I know from personal experience that getting some exercise, sunlight, and healthy foods make a HUGE difference in my ability to cope with depression.  If you can help by ensuring there are healthy food options in the house, encouraging your wife and kids to come with you for some walks or even to the playground, it might just put her mood and hormones over the edge to the point where she feels well enough to help herself a bit more.

Remember that the problem with depression is that one of the biggest symptoms is that you don't want to get help.  Getting over that threshold where you can gain enough insight into yourself to want to get help is vital.

Sounds like you are an incredible husband.  Power to you.  I wish you the best.

[Cherie762]

I had a hysterectomy because I had adneomyosis my uterus was 3x normal size and addheared to my bladder with endo tissue..my ovary(left kept getting cysts I was hospitalised many times when it rupted repeattedly i was in great pain many many days of the month tried leupron it put me into extreme depression..after hyster I was relieved to have no pain,,I did have hormonal problems as above states


to poster....try to get her to take vivelle its a patch of estrogen it change my life for the better it is a bioidentical hormone contray to popular believe it has very few negative side effects infact it increases bone desity increses sex drive and decreases depression...the study done indicating hormones increas breast cancer was done on non bioidenticals ....try it ,,,,if she is uncomfortable she can always stop,

[rockinmom1]

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW SHE IS FEELING. I HAD A HYSTERECTOMY ALMOST THREE YEARS AGO. MY OLDEST WAS 3 AND I HAD A 3 MONTH OLD BABY AT THE TIME. THE BEST THING I CAN TELL YOU IS TO JUST BE THERE FOR HER. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW HOW BEAUTIFUL AND NEEDED SHE IS AT ALL TIMES. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT YOU CAN DO, IS SUPPORT HER. I AM SURE IT IS DIFFUCULT TO UNDERSTAND, BUT IT IS AS THOUGH THEY ( THE DR.'S) HAVE TAKEN HER LIVELYHOOD AWAY FROM HER. PUT YOURSELF IN HER SHOES, YOU WOULD FEEL LESS A MAN IF YOU HAD TO HAVE SOMEHTING LIKE THAT REMOVED.

JUST ALWAYS TELL HER HOW MUCH SHE MEANS TO YOU, AND HOW VERY BEAUTIFUL SHE IS TO YOU. THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IS BE PATIENT AND VERY SUPPORTIVE.
I HOPE SOMEHOW I HAVE HELPED.

[lostsoul2]

Thank you so much for your kind words and support.  You all described her very well in yourselves.  She has said she feels unattractive, etc.  We used to be so open with each other, but now it's like she doesn't even want me to see her naked.  She's beautiful and always has been and always will be.  I though she had lost interest in me.  Now I see that she has lost something within herself that only she can reconcile.  I tell her that she is beautiful and I love to look at her, but maybe that makes her feel self-conscious.  I tell her I love her all the time.  Sometimes she gets mad and tired of hearing it, but I'm not going to let her forget it.  I don't want to smother her, I only want her to know that I will always be there for her.  As a man I can't understand having those parts taken or what they mean to a woman.  She has mentioned the empty feeling.  Now I see that it's part of the process for some and definitely is for her.  I see her no differently.  I'm as attracted to her as I've ever been, but she doesn't feel it in herself.  At least I know it's not me and that we can work through this.  Thank you so much to all the people who shared their stories.  It means more than words can sufficiently express .  Merry Christmas to all!

[sobermommy]

Sorry it has taken so long to respond...Internet problems...ugghh. I am really sorry that you are struggling with this. I can only imagine what it is like from the man's side. Like I said before. I don't know what I would do without the love and support of my husband. It is a major part of my recovery...physical...and emotional. I was wondering...since you said you are having a hard time getting through to her about how it makes you feel. Do you think it would help to have her read your post and all of ther responses from those who have gone through the same? I sure hope something will work for you. It is so sad that you feel so lost and don't know how else to help her. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I know for myself that this site has been a lifesaver. Just knowing that I am not the only one going through it...that I am not alone. The women have been wonderfully supportive. I hope that she will go see a dr...and get her hormone levels checked out. It could be just the answer you are both looking for. Best of luck and please keep us posted. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk more. God bless...Lynn

[Twilight_Princess]

I had a total hysterectomy 10 months ago and I know how she feels. I too go through depression at times, seems like more times than the normal since the hysterectomy. My doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants too, but I won't take them. Do the things for your wife that the other ladies here suggested. I would also see if she can have her hormones checked. Hormones could also be playing a big part in how she is feeling. I have to say you seem like a very caring and supportive husband and do the things that others have suggested. I know sometimes it would be hard to get through to your wife, but these feelings some of us have after getting our female organs taken away is also hard on us too - some have no problem, but some of us do. Keep up the good work and keep your chin up. Hopefully she can see a doctor to get her hormones checked.

[singinalong]

You know, I had a Hysterectomy in 2001 -- My daughter was almost 2 at the time, and my son was 7 months. I can relate to how she feels. I went through a lot of feeling I was only a woman on the outside, no longer on the inside... I was 21 --good grief... thats young! What if I wanted to have more kids??? But I came to face, that having anymore kids would be difficult, and I was blessed with the two I had.
But I can relate to missgrumpy too. I felt like I had something missing.. I was depressed, feeling undesirable, no urge to make love to my husband...
BUT THERE IS HOPE. I learned that its like a grieving process. We are women, and someone has taken out our women parts. ... For me .. it was like I was in mourning. But, I had to wrap my brain around it, but I also know that I couldnt get through it without my husband. He was supportive, did some extra special things to make me feel loved, (flowers, maybe dinner once and a while... ran me a bath.. etc) just small things... Just to let me know he still loved me no matter what. .. I know my husband still says, he wasnt sure if he was getting through.. He was scared at times... but he kept pressing on, being supportive, making me feel special, even when I didnt even want to get up in the morning.
I dont know if this helped or not, but It has been just about 8 years since, and it did take time. but hang in there.. like I said, try and do little things for her, make her feel special. ... and tell her you love her unconditionally.

[missgrumpy]

I can understand your concerns, my partner is going through the same thing i am thirty have no kids.
Since haviny my full hysterectomy i have been suffering from severe panick attacks and depression. My doctor has put me on anti-depressants but they havent changed my behaviour much, i can cry over the slightist thing, i feel very unattractive... It's kind of like part of me is missing the fun part of me has completely dissapeared, i am moody all the time and take my frustration out on my partner, which i know deep down is hurting him too.. physically i am fine, but mentally god only knows. spirit seems to have dissapeared... just try and be supportive, i know this is hard to do sometimes but the doctor assures us it will get better in time, one year later no improvement, so we stick with it...

[lostsoul2]

I'm not sure if she wanted more kids or not.  She always said no, but I think now that she knows she can't she realizes that maybe she did want another especially now that our youngest will start pre-school next year.  She is burying herself in her work (she's a CNA at a major area hospital).  But I feel the absence and so do the kids.  When I think about it I feel like I said good-bye to her when they wheeled her to the operating room.  Nothing's been the same since.  I'm a softy so that thought makes me all emotional, but it's how I feel.  She came out someone else and I can't get her to seek help from her Dr.  She is just very distant emotionally and I miss the closeness we used to have.  Somehow I think I can help her and make it all better, but I feel helpless and hopeless.  I just want my wife and kids' mother back, but all I can do is be supportive and hope for the future.

[sobermommy]

First thing I would say is keep up the good work. It is awesome that you are standing by her through all of it.

I just had the same done 6 weeks ago. Even though they left the ovaries...I was told that it still stesses the ovaraies out and causes hormone issues. Lord knows I wish I didn't just burst into tears for no reason...lol. It is enough to make me feel crazy some days. I am very thankful that my hubby is very supportive and patient with me...I feel really bad though that he has to put up with it. Not all days are bad...but I have my moments. I agree that she should have her hormone levels checked out. It amazes me that it can cause such a huge effect if they are out of whack. I though PMS was rough before...wow.

Can I ask...did she want to have more kids? My dr. said that some women have a really hard time having their uterus removed. It makes them feel like less of a women. I was lucky in that sense I guess b'cuz I had my tubes tied 20 years ago...and was in so much pain that I was more than happy to have it taken out. I will say though that recovery has been more of a hormonal rollercoaster than I expected. I thought since the ovaries were still there that it would all be great...lol. I hope you can get you to get her levels checked...for all of your sake. Thank you for being a great husband....she will need you by her side. God bless...Lynn

[ddeiman]

I can't speak from experience because my hysterectomy is coming up s I haven' t been there yet but maybe they should do a bloodtest for hormone function, Sometimes the ovaries shut down anyway and can cause depression type problems. Hormone therapy might be a better choice if it's not clinical depression but hormonal, there is a difference. What a wonderful husband you are to be out there as her advocate looking for help! There should be more men like you :)