This may sound strange, but I'm the husband of a 31 year old woman who had a hysterectomy 8 months ago. She hasn't been the same mentally or emotionally since. She has been sleeping on the couch since the first of the year, has buried herself in her work, has little to do with me or our three kids, and is just not at all the same person. I'm not the only who has noticed. All of my family has been asking what's wrong with her. When I try to ask her how she feels it's obvious she feels a loss of something and hasn't come to terms with it yet. She said she doesn't feel like having any sort of intimacy, and I'm not looking for sex, I just miss my wife. She is bringing up marital issues that I thought were long buried and not even a big deal then, but she is re-hashing everything negative about me. Our kids see something is different, she goes to the bar for drinks after work, something she never did previously. Our kids notice this and it hurts them. I try to explain this to her, that it hurts us all, but then she gets angry and accuses me of trying to make her feel like the bad guy. I just miss my wife terribly. She has talked about divorce, then backs off. If I didn't know any better I would think an affair, but I'm not so sure, maybe I'm naive, but I feel like she has a lot of unresolved issues stemming from her surgery.
I'm curious if this a common issue that will play itself out? I have expressed a desire for her, as has her primary doc, to seek counseling which she refuses. Do many women go through this? I don't understand and will readily admit that. I know I miss my wife and my kids miss their mother. I'm trying to be as patient as I possibly can. I have to admit that I have contemplated divorce when she brings it up, but I don't think it's her talking. I feel like I said good-bye to her when they rolled her down the hall for surgery. I don't know how else to explain it. I hold onto hope that this will get better, but I'm slowly losing it. I love her so much and it kills me to see this change in her, in our family. Is this a common mental/emotional aspect that will resolve itself? Or has she changed for good?
Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.
Thanks to anyone who has read all of this
WOW! I am sorry but that is the first word that came to mind. I had a hysterectomy over a year ago and the only thing that has changed in me is my sex drive. I now have a very strong sex drive. My mom and sister both had the surgery and they didn't act like that either. I am not sure what happened to your wife or why she is acting this way but I can tell you that it isn't normal.
First and foremost, welcome, you have come to the right place,.I think I can help you, I must compliment you on researching and finding thos web site, makes you one heck of a good man, we have had other husbands on here before and ususally for a very similar situation as yours.
Ok, Im gonna just be really really honest with you and remember this is my opinion, I do have history in health care but more important than that I have had a hysterectomy and many other female surgeries prior to that so I "get" it.
I would bet my house and all that I have that you wife along with having no hormones is also suffering from a form of post tramuatic depression, so as to do I think this will "play out" NO,,,,your wifes symptoms are screaming for help,,,
Is she taking any hormones that you are aware of? If she isnt she should be...she was thrown into instant menopause, which along with the stress physically and in her case emotionally is just too much for her. You sound like your doing the right things, some women need to be reassured they are still desired and beautiful by their spouse, not having a uterus of corse does not make her any less of a woman nor should it make her feel so abnormal,,,She in what I am sensing needs to get on some hormones and alos be evaluated for depression,,she may need some short term meds for that, but more importantly she needs to speak with other women in some type of support group or start cognative therapy.
She is currently self medicating with the drinking,..and she feels lost thats why she is not being demonstrative of emotions to you or kids...Your very perseptive and your right its not "her talking" I dont know how you can talk her into therapy but when I just now re-read your post ,.,its very obvious if you, her primary care and a complete stranger all think the same we are on to something !! If it gets really severe, or if she threatens self harm, you can get legal,,,and force her into a 72 hour hold down for evaluation..I would not advise you to do this lightly its a very serious huge step,,,
How old are you children? If they are old enough and you feel comfortable maybe you could have a family meeting like an interventsion, with her parents good friends etc all who really care about her,,,tell her the changes you have seen, reinforce that you love her but insist fpor her sake, the childrens, your own and your family as a group she needs help If she stays on the current path she is going to self-destruct.,,You can PM me any time with any questions,,i will try my level best to help you,,,
One thing I forgot to mention and maybe it is important, maybe not. She went back to work too early in my opinion, and quickly ran herself down as she didn't eat or sleep right. One day she passed out in our kitchen and fell backwards, hitting her head on the fridge, opening a 2 inch gash on the back of her head, whiplash, and a concussion. Luckinly I was home to call the ambulance or I don't know how long she would laid out on the floor. It still makes me cringe to think about. She spent 5 days in the hospital for this, but a psychiatrist was called in and he strongly recommended inpatient mental care for Severe Depressive Disorder. She refused. She has taken Cymbalta for a short time and it seemed to help, but she stopped abruptly and said she didn't want pills to be her answer. I don't know if the concussion could have caused any changes along with the surgery, I don't know. She refuses to see her Dr. and be open with him about the things that bother me and everbody else. She puts on a smiley face and says everything is ok, but it's not.
I'm no saint as I have had addiction problems in my past, so I am extra alarmed when I see her turn to self medication. I know that road and I know where it ends, full of regrets. Maybe a part of her holds that against me, I don't know. All I do know is that I love her to death and always will, and if she has simply changed and chooses to move on, I will always feel a piece of me forever missing. I already feel it and I am having a hard time coping. I am trying to stay strong for the kids and myself, but some days I fail. I guess I see that the surgery seems to be the changing point, and I'm not the only one. She has had bouts with depression in the past and I think this may have just been a push over the edge for her. I don't know and that's what's brought me here. I found such wonderful support on this site when I was battling pain killer addiction (I have lumbar disc issues) I thought maybe someone here could help me, help her if possible. I guess I'm trying to make sense of it all for myself.
Thank you so much for your response. It was insightful and very much appreciated.
the recovery period post op is so very very important I tell women all the time that it is the time to do nothing, literally be a couch potatoe, it take 4-6 weeks to be considered somewhat back to normal, now many will disagree and say they feel good, as perhaps your wife did, but feeling good and whats happenig internally may be two differnet things,
Your really going through a difficult time and as you tell me more it seems maybe your wifes problems are from more than just the hysterectomy, however the hyster is likely the main sorce, I can not answer about the head trauma, not knowing the specifics, or even when she was last evaluated, Its sounding like yes she pushed herself too hard and too soon, But this gets into why, why would she do that? and leads me right back to depression, she wanted her normal routine back to feel normal again, as she was having such a difficult time adjusting..
from a womans point of view and having helped many women most like myself and the above poster do feel relieved and greatful to be painfree after the operation its usually an improvement. What was the cause of your wifes hysterectomy ? am thinking maybe that is a part of her reaction, her reaction is extreame. As far as your addiction issues, thats apples and oranges, one has nothing to do with the other and I dont get sense that your wife is even thinking that rationally. Bottom line most women no matter how angry at spouse do not shut of their emotions to their children.
I think your best bet is to call her mom, sister who ever has the most influence and get them to help you, your gonna have to find a way to force her to get help for the sake of your family.
I really am sorry for what your family is having to go through. I had a hysterectomy in 2/09 and as far as I'm aware, my whole personality hasn't changed. I am a little more moody but getting my hormones adjusted so hopefully that will help.
I do agree with Cherie that your wife's symptoms are a sign of some sort of distress. It isn't anything you've done or your children. Hormones are a vital part of the human body and when they are screwed up, it can affect so much of a person physically, emotionally, etc.
Have you personally called her doctor? With the way you describe your wife's behavior, it wouldn't be out of line. S/he or someone in his/her office may be able to assist you better. Also, if your children are old enough, if one of them or all of them asked her to get help, would she? I hate to suggest that but I know that if I wouldn't listen to my husband about getting help and then my child(ren) asked me, I might be more willing. Cherie had a good point about talking with her mother or a sister or even a best friend and seeing if they could get her to get help.
If all else fails and you strongly believe she could be a danger to herself, you or your children, you can call your local Department of Human Resources or a local crisis center and they can help you with advice as well according to your state laws and regulations.
Banamamas got a excellent suggestion, you personally calling her doctor would be an excellent idea, you can and should say whatever you want but remember because of the new HIPPA laws her doctor will likely say little to nothing to you. But you can plant seeds in his mind to help her.
Thank you so much for your responses. We have the same primary Dr. and I have brought it up a few times and he won't say anything to me. I understand his side, because the HIPPA laws. The ironic thing is she works as a cna in a major area hospital. She goes though friends there every few months. The problem is always them. She told during an argument one of her friends she worked with before her surgery told her they all missed their friend. So everybody that knew her sees it. Her new friends only know the her of today and think nothing of her behavior. They are just drinking buddies basically. I express my concerns, others do too, but she just pushes evryone further away. I came here wondering what I'm missing, wondering what might have gone wrong, or what might have changed. She did mention recently that the last time we had sex, which has been quite awhile, that it was uncomfortable, it hurt, so she stays away because it bothers her and makes her feel inadequate. I told her this is so far from the truth and asked why she doesn't make an appt. with her gyno. and they could find out why and help her. Inadequate. That's a word I hear her use a lot. She had a rough childhood, real rough, and I think a floodgate has opened and she can't cope right now. I used to hold her through times when she used to just sob about anything and I was happy to hold her forever if she wanted. Now she doesn't want my help or comfort and I guess I feel hurt by that. For me I guess it just became so much more pronounced after her surgery. I guess that was the catalyst that opened the gates. I came here to see if this is a common reaction, but it sounds like this is much deeper than that.
Thank you everyone for your kind words and help.
hello friend, its been a little while I hope your wife has found some of the help you were seeking for her. I have thought of you both often , please feel welcomed and free to pm me again if you wish to speak in private, many on here do care very much about how she is doing,,and are deeply concerned .C
The nerves in the uterus and cervix are responsible for orgasm and sexual pleasure in women that have intense deep orgasms. These nerves are also connected to the part of the brain that produce dopamine, the chemical that gives a feeling of closeness and bonding. You wife probably can tell the difference that something has happened to her sexually. It is not in her head. Women who only have only clitoral orgasms do not experience this,and do not have a clue. Your wife has been sexually altered and no it will not change. She can get hormones like testosterone, but the nerves that are stimulated that produce orgasm are not there. Neuroscientist know this, but gynecologist do not. In a sense your wife has been sexually mutilated. Don't expect orgasm or pleasure to be the same with her, it just can't happen because the nerves are cut especially if she had her cervix removed. It would be like you having your penis cut off. Would you feel like having sex then. Also, she may have weird or uncomfortable sensations from cut nerves. The nerves will take about a year to wake up or may stay totally numb. Women who have deep orgasms are never the same after a hysterectomy. You need to be patient with her, her loss of sexuality is your loss as well. A gynecologist is just useless in discussing nerves that relate to sexual functioning and which ones are damaged with hysterectomy. Gynecologist erroneously think orgasms are hormone driven. Not so. If a women can't feel or is in pain just as if a man could not feel in his penis or had pain in the penis, he would no be able to orgasm. Also, the pudendal nerve is cut in most hysterectomies that leads to sensation for orgasm, bladder and bowel function. I am sorry her doctor did not give her enough information to make an informed consent about hysterectomy. You may have to kiss your as it used to be sex life good bye and it is the health care professional to blame for not warning her of this so she could make an informed choice. Unless she had cancer, there was no need for a hysterectomy as there are treatments for other uterine or cervical conditions. There were other treatment options that her health care professional did not present her with. Get a lawyer now before the statute of limitations run out and sue the doctor. First get a copy of all the medical records and the informed consent form.
I just read your comment on this website today (2-9-13) and think I have found what I have been searching for. I had a partial hysterectomy 30+ years ago and my life and marriage went into a devastating tailspin a couple of years later. I found myself with a very strong sex drive and found myself cheating on my husband while at the same time wanting him to "rescue" me. I tried everything at the time: counseling, help with hormone issues. Nobody seemed to know what to do, but of course it was the mid-70s. I have agonized over this for all these years trying to figure out what happened to me/us and your note really gave me hope that perhaps it was not entirely all my fault but maybe hormonal or ?
Thank you for your comment. It has really helped me.
I've been reading all these comments and some are just insane. I had a total hysterectomy in 2004, and was put on mare ****, as I call it. I was searching for more answers and found a doctor that did hormone pellet implants, which are all natural made of Yams and Soy, the closest thing to a womens hormones. In 2008 I could no longer receive the pellets because of a blood clot. 3 years ago I started to feel something strange. First it was my memory, then headaches, and many more side effects and thought I was going crazy. I went to so many doctors and I remember them asking if I had my hormones checked. Your wife had gone the oppoisite of me cause I couldn't get out of bed. I am now getting back on the hormone pellets and its going to take a while for me to get back myself and it is possible. Hormones effect every women different and there is help out there just as long as shes willing to get it, and with pellet implants you can get back your sex drive. More people need to get more information about the dangers of total hysterectomies , without hormone replacement. I was referred to a shrink also and they put me on antidepressantsand the reason she was doing good is because today anti's work one part of the brains hormones. Get the book called Your guide to Hysterectomy, Ovary Removal, and Hormone Replacement by Elizabeth Plourde
My loving wife of 24 years has fallen out of love with me,let me be honest as possible,she has had plenty good enough reason to be ticked at me,but 5 years ago she had to have a hysterectomy(uterus and one ovary) other ovary remained with the thinking of still getting estrogen in her body.Her hospital stay was going to be 3 days but turned into 4 weeks,a very bad and worrisome time,so bad I thought that I could lose her to this surgery.She finally got to come home,it was a very slow and hard recovery for her.Food became a issue for her so FamilyDr. put her on acid blockers and a few other things that did not help.On her own she realized that she could not have Gluten any longer,then found out she was type2 diebetic.This all going on while dealing with job stress,kids and a difficult husband(not proud of it in the least).She has had a rough time of things after surgery.For the last few years she has done much better by watching what she eats but still takes Tums every now and then and takes nothing for her type2db.Now back to the marriage,after her surgery some 5 or so years ago,things never went back to the same for us and has gone from hardly any play time between us, cause sex became painful for her, to none at all in well over a year,I have been sensitive,understanding and patient through out this the whole time.Noticed that should started to seem distant and not as effectionate as before and if I add my ranting with the kids and saying the wrong things to her,well that just added fuel to the fire that had been lit.As of this past December she informed me that we were going to get through the Holidays then she was going to file for divorce after NewYears.What made this strange to me is we had just had ThanksGiving at her sisters,before that had been to a Holloween party with friends,been out on family outings.Well she filed in Mid January and I dodged the Sheriff and private server for over 2 months,trying to buy time to get her to go for counseling with me,ended up getting served at my daughters Elem.school.Now we still live in our home,still have family dinner and even sleep in the same bed.Early on I said to her that she should have hormones checked because she was not acting like herself.That didn't go over that well but told me later that she had blood work done and her levels were fine.I have read that the minimal blood test is not very accurate but is the norm for insurance to cover. Early morning Saliva test is the most accurate from what I read. We are about to be done and it will be sad if something could have been corrected before getting to this point.With her pushing 50 and with one ovary,I can't buy that all is good with her well being.The family is about to be torn apart just before we have teenagers coming up in the near future.I have done much ,but have failed to reason with her.In the family pecking order,the dogs are in a better place than I am.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This surgery can really effect not only the woman but the whole family. It sounds like your wife is very low on hormones. Most Drs will not prescribe them if there's a history of heart disease or cancer in the patient. Or, sometimes in the patients family. If your wife has no history of either of these then she should be able to take hormones. It makes a world of difference for many women.
I'm late, but my mom had a hysterectomy in 2011 and every since then things have emotionally changed. Me being her daughter I didn't know what to do, I've tried everything I could do, but NOTHING seemed to workout for me. Now I don't know If they gave her any replacement hormones, I was only 17 at the time, but it's 2014 now and the same change in personality is still current. Me and my younger sister had to move away with my grandma a couple of months after she had her hysterectomy, due to her lashing out and her "depression" she went her separate ways also. I tried sitting her down, asking her how she feels so that I can try to sympathize with her, but it's like she's not the same. She pushes me and my siblings away, but she involve negative people in her circle. I honestly want my mom back, She seem like she has this desire in her eyes like she wants her old life back, but how can that happen when she have this indestructible guard up, She Lost EVERYTHING!! How low does she have to go to finally realize that she's not who she think she is? I need Help!!! I want my mom back.
Maca- natural hormones...I am trying.. They left part of my uterus when doing a hysterectomy. And left my right ovary, caused me to have a hernia. now have mesh size of a nickel ..polypropaline Gore-Tex.. But natural not synthentic hormones I would look for.. trying it out starting today for me..I have fibroids on my fundus of my uterus. Gone to ER several times.. cyst on my only ovary. www.lepidiummeyenii.com which is maca
I just read this your old message. I have a problem about this like your wife. It is a hormone unbalanced. This cream is very helpful for all women who are pre or post menopausal -- Pro-Help Moisture Treatment Creme OR Menopause Moisture Creme.
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