Aa
Are all affairs just affairs or do they have an feel of personal vengeance?
My husband did not just "sleep" with another woman. I don't have any proof of this to the negative or the postive. But I do have proof that he had an emotional affair. IF he would have just had a physical affair it would be easier I think.
My husband did not just have an emotional relationship with someone else (or maybe a physical one), he tore me down. I heard him say that they mean more to him, they understand him- he can communicate with them not me, they are this and that . I saw him rather to talk to them than me. I heard him say that he does not give a f*****about my feelings to me.
He has apologized for this. And says, he doesn't talk to these people anymore. And he was only doing this because he needed to help these people- moreover, he really did not mean any of it. I guess I didn't mean anything and I was some sort of expendable being (I still haven't figured it out. Why did he have to hurt me to help these B*****ches? But anyway).
I don't know how to forgive this. I don't know if I can. Every time I attempt to envision our life together, a part of me is happy. But then another part of me says, "he lied to you, and hurt you". It is a constant struggle.I can get over him sharing himself with someone if he really wanted to help. But I can't get over him purposely trying to hurt me or defend them against me as if I am an enemy. He just ravaged my heart. there are times when I look at him,the only thing I see is someone who hurt me- on purpose. Not even my worst enemy has pulled this crap on me.
It just seems worse than just a physical or emotional affair to me. It seems like a personal attack.
Are all affairs just affairs or do they have an feel of personal vengeance?
My husband did not just have an emotional relationship with someone else (or maybe a physical one), he tore me down. I heard him say that they mean more to him, they understand him- he can communicate with them not me, they are this and that . I saw him rather to talk to them than me. I heard him say that he does not give a f*****about my feelings to me.
He has apologized for this. And says, he doesn't talk to these people anymore. And he was only doing this because he needed to help these people- moreover, he really did not mean any of it. I guess I didn't mean anything and I was some sort of expendable being (I still haven't figured it out. Why did he have to hurt me to help these B*****ches? But anyway).
I don't know how to forgive this. I don't know if I can. Every time I attempt to envision our life together, a part of me is happy. But then another part of me says, "he lied to you, and hurt you". It is a constant struggle.I can get over him sharing himself with someone if he really wanted to help. But I can't get over him purposely trying to hurt me or defend them against me as if I am an enemy. He just ravaged my heart. there are times when I look at him,the only thing I see is someone who hurt me- on purpose. Not even my worst enemy has pulled this crap on me.
It just seems worse than just a physical or emotional affair to me. It seems like a personal attack.
Are all affairs just affairs or do they have an feel of personal vengeance?
I think you said it well mami1323. It comes your own time. Sometimes, there is a great deal of pressure to "forgive and forget". I just finally felt "ok" with the fact that I am not there yet. I feel like people should know that it is ok to not be there yet. I think you can not be there, and still be progressing in your healing.
I am glad that you got "there".
PassionFlower09
I am glad that you got "there".
PassionFlower09
Honestly I forgave Richie but in my own time. It came about a year later. And I knew I had forgiven him, I felt the difference. I can't really tell you what it was but I was able to find it in my heart to let it go just so I could be happy again. It felt good to be able to do it but it wasn't forced, you can't force forgiveness.
What Dee Dee has told me in the past about forgiving is, if she were to forgive.... would I take that as her saying that the affair was ok or that it was forgotten. I know what I did and the pain it has caused. I never in a million years would think that it was ok.
Forgiving and forgetting are 2 completely different things and they probably dont even belong in the same statement. Would it even be logical for anyone affected by an affair to simply "forget" about it? I dont think that is even possible. Forgiving can take place. By forgiving you are allowing yourself/the relationship to move on. It doesnt mean that the cheater is no longer accountable.... the accountability is still there. Being held responsible for the affair is still there.
Accountability and responsibility are the 2 things I will always have regarding the affair. Forgiving means that we are moving forward. For some, forgiving takes longer. For some, forgiveness is not a possibility and then the relationship does not move forward, in fact the marriage ends.
I think what one has to do is really take a step back and evaluate the entire relationship. Evaluate how the recovery is coming along. Evaluate how much work the cheater is putting in, are they taking any of this seriously??? From here, remembering all of the good times from the past, how you got through the hard times in the past, how the recovery is coming, one can decide if the marriage is worth saving.
According to some of the things I've read, some couples assume the marriage is not salvagable and therefore it is disolved. Throughout the years, both parties find themselves miserable and wanting the other party but let foolish pride or the things they've belived in their whole lives get in the way of repairing the relationship. Conversely, there are marriages that have been affected by an affair and there is no possibility of repairing it..
There are marriages that both parties decide to go on and repair the marraige, and later have the marraige dissolve because of the affair, or at least the affair being the root cause of the problems that follow some years later. The flip side to that statement is, the couple decides to move on, forgiveness is given, accoutability is still there, but everyone is doing their homework and the couple goes on to live a happy lifetime together.
Marriage isnt for everyone....there are people that never should have gotten married. WE all know at least one couple like that. I guess the same can be said for repairing or recovering a relationship affected by infidelity. Some will survive, and some will not.
Recovery or repairing means that both people are on the same side, both looking towards the same goals. That is tyically what lead to the marraige in the first place. 2 compatible people focused on the same goals, they get married and reach these goals as a couple.
What was affected can be repaired. Both players have to be on the same side though. Some players take longer to wind up on the same team as others, and some players deicde that free-agency is the best choice. Bottom line for me is, I know I want my marriage. My wife has given me another opportunity to have my marriage with her. I am going to do all I can to make this work. She decided that she would be as hurt or more hurt if I was out of her life at this point.... she then decided to allow me the opportunity to try to make this work.
Both of us are now refocused, again on the same goals including the time after our kids have gone. WE both want the same things. For us, we are together. This doesnt mean that the hurt or pain from the affair isnt going to come back and rear its ugly head. Quite the contrary. What it does mean is, as her husband, I am going to help her through this like I did every other thing that we've endured. I am going to be there for her, take responsiblity for what I have done and be the man she needs right now.
Nobody forgets an affair. I bet there isnt one couple, together or apart, that has been affected by an affair that can say..."oh geez, I forgot all about that!" It isnt going to happen, and unless a brain injury, senility, or perhaps alzeheimers has set in...nobody has forgotten about the affair. People have forgiven and have gone on. People also have not forgiven and left the relationship to move on to something better. There are options, and there really are no rules or time tables. The decision is yours and yours only to make. Is this doable? Can we go on? If you cant answer yes to questions like these, then repairing the relationship isnt going to work.
For those whove decided to repair the relationship, stay in there and remain focused. Talk each other through the ruff spots and be each others shoulder to cry on. Most of all, good luck! For those who've decided to let the relationship disolve, good luck to you and happiness in the future. There is happiness out there, and some of the good people here can attest to that.
Forgiving and forgetting are 2 completely different things and they probably dont even belong in the same statement. Would it even be logical for anyone affected by an affair to simply "forget" about it? I dont think that is even possible. Forgiving can take place. By forgiving you are allowing yourself/the relationship to move on. It doesnt mean that the cheater is no longer accountable.... the accountability is still there. Being held responsible for the affair is still there.
Accountability and responsibility are the 2 things I will always have regarding the affair. Forgiving means that we are moving forward. For some, forgiving takes longer. For some, forgiveness is not a possibility and then the relationship does not move forward, in fact the marriage ends.
I think what one has to do is really take a step back and evaluate the entire relationship. Evaluate how the recovery is coming along. Evaluate how much work the cheater is putting in, are they taking any of this seriously??? From here, remembering all of the good times from the past, how you got through the hard times in the past, how the recovery is coming, one can decide if the marriage is worth saving.
According to some of the things I've read, some couples assume the marriage is not salvagable and therefore it is disolved. Throughout the years, both parties find themselves miserable and wanting the other party but let foolish pride or the things they've belived in their whole lives get in the way of repairing the relationship. Conversely, there are marriages that have been affected by an affair and there is no possibility of repairing it..
There are marriages that both parties decide to go on and repair the marraige, and later have the marraige dissolve because of the affair, or at least the affair being the root cause of the problems that follow some years later. The flip side to that statement is, the couple decides to move on, forgiveness is given, accoutability is still there, but everyone is doing their homework and the couple goes on to live a happy lifetime together.
Marriage isnt for everyone....there are people that never should have gotten married. WE all know at least one couple like that. I guess the same can be said for repairing or recovering a relationship affected by infidelity. Some will survive, and some will not.
Recovery or repairing means that both people are on the same side, both looking towards the same goals. That is tyically what lead to the marraige in the first place. 2 compatible people focused on the same goals, they get married and reach these goals as a couple.
What was affected can be repaired. Both players have to be on the same side though. Some players take longer to wind up on the same team as others, and some players deicde that free-agency is the best choice. Bottom line for me is, I know I want my marriage. My wife has given me another opportunity to have my marriage with her. I am going to do all I can to make this work. She decided that she would be as hurt or more hurt if I was out of her life at this point.... she then decided to allow me the opportunity to try to make this work.
Both of us are now refocused, again on the same goals including the time after our kids have gone. WE both want the same things. For us, we are together. This doesnt mean that the hurt or pain from the affair isnt going to come back and rear its ugly head. Quite the contrary. What it does mean is, as her husband, I am going to help her through this like I did every other thing that we've endured. I am going to be there for her, take responsiblity for what I have done and be the man she needs right now.
Nobody forgets an affair. I bet there isnt one couple, together or apart, that has been affected by an affair that can say..."oh geez, I forgot all about that!" It isnt going to happen, and unless a brain injury, senility, or perhaps alzeheimers has set in...nobody has forgotten about the affair. People have forgiven and have gone on. People also have not forgiven and left the relationship to move on to something better. There are options, and there really are no rules or time tables. The decision is yours and yours only to make. Is this doable? Can we go on? If you cant answer yes to questions like these, then repairing the relationship isnt going to work.
For those whove decided to repair the relationship, stay in there and remain focused. Talk each other through the ruff spots and be each others shoulder to cry on. Most of all, good luck! For those who've decided to let the relationship disolve, good luck to you and happiness in the future. There is happiness out there, and some of the good people here can attest to that.
For me, it seems as if trying to accept what happened and progress day-by-day is a whole lot easier than to just "forgive and forget", giving the person a pass.
To me forgive and forget is the same as saying, " it done, over. Lets move on and forget it" . In reality, it is done and over for the person who violated you, but you still live with the hurt. It was just too much for me to give. I still hurt everyday (less as time goes on). So, I am not at a point where I am willing to give the "forgive and forget pass". But I am at the point where I can try to accept what happened and control my emotions.
I am still angry, but it burns a little less as time goes on. It burns a little less when there is no expectation for me to just give the "forgive and forget" pass.
To me forgive and forget is the same as saying, " it done, over. Lets move on and forget it" . In reality, it is done and over for the person who violated you, but you still live with the hurt. It was just too much for me to give. I still hurt everyday (less as time goes on). So, I am not at a point where I am willing to give the "forgive and forget pass". But I am at the point where I can try to accept what happened and control my emotions.
I am still angry, but it burns a little less as time goes on. It burns a little less when there is no expectation for me to just give the "forgive and forget" pass.
Dear lovemykids,
You've been hurt by someone You Love and Trust with Your Heart and Soul - why wouldn't You/shouldn't You feel resentment??!! You will probably always resent what was done - it's unrealistic to think You shouldn't/wouldn't.
I believe We expect too much from Ourselves in this "forgive and forget" routine. I strongly suspect one of the things that causes Us to try so hard to achieve this is that We fear if we don't "forgive and forget" He might do it again - because We feel responsible for his doing it in the first place and We tend to see it as Our shortcoming instead of as His. We take responsiblity for what He did. Instead of working so hard on trying to "forgive" (because, really, it's an unforgivable act for a married person) maybe it would behoove Us to think more in terms of acceptance. We don't like what happened but it happened and We want to learn to live with it so if We can learn to ACCEPT the fact that it occurred then maybe We can move on to Our future. Probably to some degree it will eat at Us for the rest of Our lives but with "acceptance" We still have decided to live with it. I think part of acceptance is also realizing that You will never "forget". It's unrealistic for therapists to tell us to "forget" - it's humanly impossible but because We keep trying to achieve it We keep coming back to therapy.
That being said, I do think therapy is valuable to Us but maybe We shouldn't expect the impossible from Ourselves.
You've been hurt by someone You Love and Trust with Your Heart and Soul - why wouldn't You/shouldn't You feel resentment??!! You will probably always resent what was done - it's unrealistic to think You shouldn't/wouldn't.
I believe We expect too much from Ourselves in this "forgive and forget" routine. I strongly suspect one of the things that causes Us to try so hard to achieve this is that We fear if we don't "forgive and forget" He might do it again - because We feel responsible for his doing it in the first place and We tend to see it as Our shortcoming instead of as His. We take responsiblity for what He did. Instead of working so hard on trying to "forgive" (because, really, it's an unforgivable act for a married person) maybe it would behoove Us to think more in terms of acceptance. We don't like what happened but it happened and We want to learn to live with it so if We can learn to ACCEPT the fact that it occurred then maybe We can move on to Our future. Probably to some degree it will eat at Us for the rest of Our lives but with "acceptance" We still have decided to live with it. I think part of acceptance is also realizing that You will never "forget". It's unrealistic for therapists to tell us to "forget" - it's humanly impossible but because We keep trying to achieve it We keep coming back to therapy.
That being said, I do think therapy is valuable to Us but maybe We shouldn't expect the impossible from Ourselves.
I heard a quote today that said Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I realized that has been me. I resent my husband and his co- worker for what they did to me. I mean I love him and I say I forgive him but I guess I truly haven't b/c it still eats at me. It is a choice I have to make daily to live in the past or move on to our future. For the most part I have moved on but little things here and there pop up that start to eat at me. I realized it is resentment! Now I just have to learn how to deal with that and let it go.
I completely agree. The phrase, ""forgive and forget" is too much used and abused. When someone treats you badly, you can accept it as an occurrence. You can find it in yourself to "get over it( as my husband is so fond of saying), but the impression of the person who hurt you will always be scared or tainted.
For example, my ex ( not my wonderful husband who all women should desire because of his wonder character-ha ha), is handsome, intelligent, successful. BUT even though I don't think about how we ended or what a tool he could be at times, I still remember. And it is not as if I sit an contemplate our past relationship- NO. It is just seems as if a black mark is over him now. I know what he is now. And I know what he is capable of. It is the same to some degree with my husband. I know that he is capable of hurting me because he has already done it. It makes me sad.
So as for "forgive and forget" , I say no it is not really possible. Subconsiously, the understanding of who the person is or what they have done is forever present. People should just strive for acceptance.
I can maybe live with acceptance. I can't live with the idea that he is forgiven for hurting me deeply and I am just supposed to "forgive and forget" . It is just not right. It is immoral. Imagine if everyone in the world felt like this: terrible.
I am not for anger. I am just for equilibrium. For me, it is probably acceptance or some level. But not "forgive and forget"
For example, my ex ( not my wonderful husband who all women should desire because of his wonder character-ha ha), is handsome, intelligent, successful. BUT even though I don't think about how we ended or what a tool he could be at times, I still remember. And it is not as if I sit an contemplate our past relationship- NO. It is just seems as if a black mark is over him now. I know what he is now. And I know what he is capable of. It is the same to some degree with my husband. I know that he is capable of hurting me because he has already done it. It makes me sad.
So as for "forgive and forget" , I say no it is not really possible. Subconsiously, the understanding of who the person is or what they have done is forever present. People should just strive for acceptance.
I can maybe live with acceptance. I can't live with the idea that he is forgiven for hurting me deeply and I am just supposed to "forgive and forget" . It is just not right. It is immoral. Imagine if everyone in the world felt like this: terrible.
I am not for anger. I am just for equilibrium. For me, it is probably acceptance or some level. But not "forgive and forget"
You go Girl !! You said it better than I.
I agree that We don't have to "accept" what has been done to Us but realizing that it's about "acceptance" rather than "forgiveness" can sometimes help Us to decide what it is We need to do (accept and stay - or accept and go). I feel "forgive and forget" are buzz words that in reality is almost impossible to achieve. Again, it's not really Our "power" to "forgive" and it's impossible to "forget".
I agree that We don't have to "accept" what has been done to Us but realizing that it's about "acceptance" rather than "forgiveness" can sometimes help Us to decide what it is We need to do (accept and stay - or accept and go). I feel "forgive and forget" are buzz words that in reality is almost impossible to achieve. Again, it's not really Our "power" to "forgive" and it's impossible to "forget".
I tend to agree with you Tink.
Forgiveness is a very pious word suggesting a very pious action. I think it would take a god to forgive many of the behaviors that we discuss in this forum.
You, I believe, are correct in that people do accept. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Acceptance says that we can move on or understand or empathize. Acceptance says, " I understand what you did to me, I can't change it, but I will still live with or without you (depends on the person). It says, "I understand that **** happens".
What you have written helped me to understand that we can "accept or understand" what others have done to us, but we don't have to like it. And I don't have to abandon our resolve.We don't have to ignore our feelings-what these people did was wrong and terrible. And we should feel what we feel until we stop feeling it.Not to say we should brew in sorrow; we should also strive to feel positive emotions. But it does not happen over night.
So thank you Tink! You made a good point. There is a big difference between forgiveness and acceptance. Sometimes it seems as if one is reality and the other is a utopia.
Forgiveness is a very pious word suggesting a very pious action. I think it would take a god to forgive many of the behaviors that we discuss in this forum.
You, I believe, are correct in that people do accept. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Acceptance says that we can move on or understand or empathize. Acceptance says, " I understand what you did to me, I can't change it, but I will still live with or without you (depends on the person). It says, "I understand that **** happens".
What you have written helped me to understand that we can "accept or understand" what others have done to us, but we don't have to like it. And I don't have to abandon our resolve.We don't have to ignore our feelings-what these people did was wrong and terrible. And we should feel what we feel until we stop feeling it.Not to say we should brew in sorrow; we should also strive to feel positive emotions. But it does not happen over night.
So thank you Tink! You made a good point. There is a big difference between forgiveness and acceptance. Sometimes it seems as if one is reality and the other is a utopia.
My personal view on "forgive and forget":
"Forgiveness" is something for God to do - we are not God and maybe shouldn't even try to be God-like. When we think we "forgive" I suspect what we're really doing would be called "ACCEPTANCE" - and we don't ever "forget".
Feel free to disagree but it works for me.
Regards,
Tink
"Forgiveness" is something for God to do - we are not God and maybe shouldn't even try to be God-like. When we think we "forgive" I suspect what we're really doing would be called "ACCEPTANCE" - and we don't ever "forget".
Feel free to disagree but it works for me.
Regards,
Tink
I understand and agree with what you ladies have said. ... It just seem so unfair. I talked to my aunt who is a therapist. She said that my husband (and those gutterpups) are not capable of the emotions I want them to experience or the feelings I want them to feel. Otherwise, they would not have hurt me.
It still makes me depressed- Yes, I can forgive ( and maybe one day forget). But currently I feel like some part (small or large) of something really special is lost.
I love my husband, but at times when I look at him and think, "how pathetic. You think you couldn't help someone else without hurting another". I am just hurt and amazed.
But anyway, I am ok. Don't feel bad when you read my post. Just send me lots of Virtual hugs and support. I have days when the past just kicks my A$$, and days when I master my feelings- day-by- day is my new way of life now.
PassionFlower09
It still makes me depressed- Yes, I can forgive ( and maybe one day forget). But currently I feel like some part (small or large) of something really special is lost.
I love my husband, but at times when I look at him and think, "how pathetic. You think you couldn't help someone else without hurting another". I am just hurt and amazed.
But anyway, I am ok. Don't feel bad when you read my post. Just send me lots of Virtual hugs and support. I have days when the past just kicks my A$$, and days when I master my feelings- day-by- day is my new way of life now.
PassionFlower09
Hey lindacampbell,
I read my last post and realized you may just think I am trying to be funny.
But in all seriousness, your situation seems very unique . For your husband, the other man is deceased. Does your husband feel threatened by him still.
PassionFlower
I read my last post and realized you may just think I am trying to be funny.
But in all seriousness, your situation seems very unique . For your husband, the other man is deceased. Does your husband feel threatened by him still.
PassionFlower
Ok...... (awkward silence).
He died?
There are a million questions I could ask. But I think you can pretty much start from anywhere, and I'd want to know more.
So you can take the ball on this one.
PassionFlower09
He died?
There are a million questions I could ask. But I think you can pretty much start from anywhere, and I'd want to know more.
So you can take the ball on this one.
PassionFlower09
With me, it was me that had the physical affair. I figured it to be a revenge affair. He had been dabbling in porn. Well, okay, more than dabbling. It made me mad because it didn't seem like he was satisfied sexual with me. It hurt me enough to where I searched elsewhere, find someone who would pay attention to me in many other ways, including the sex part. I know it was wrong.
Things are getting better. We are communicating more. He isn't into the porn and is going to a 12 step thing. Me? I'm not in the affair anymore. Long story short, the other man died, so he isn't in my life anymore.
Things are getting better. We are communicating more. He isn't into the porn and is going to a 12 step thing. Me? I'm not in the affair anymore. Long story short, the other man died, so he isn't in my life anymore.
I agree with Tink here, you did nothing to warrant his affair. I'm sure he would agree. They often say hurtful things or do hurtful things during their affair to justify it to themselves. But they know damn well it's not about us. I think an emotional affair is harder to get past. I would've rather my fiance had a one night stand then get emotionally attached to another woman. But my sole focus now is on being ok in my own mind. I focus on making myself happy. This way if it were to happen again, god forbid, I would be strong enough to say, enough is enough and walk away. You need to start thinking that way. I also think both of you can benefit from counseling. It does make a difference.
No matter what he has said to You it was NOT about YOU, it was about HIM. We are NEVER responsible for our partner's decision to have an affair. When our Confidence or Self-Esteem suffers it's because WE are making it about us. I promise You that be it emotional OR be it physical it was not Your fault that Your husband made this choice. Infidelity is a Character issue - it's not about Love and Respect - it's about Morals and Principals and Character. Strong Morals and Good Character would not allow one to have an affair even if there is a problem in the relationship. One would seek another solution to mend a relationship/fix a problem knowing full well an affair would not be it - they are NOT stupid.
There MAY be others like Brice out there BUT I do think He is the exception - I think they are far and few between - to work as hard as He does - BUT - if HE can do it so can the others and after an affair we need that from our Husbands - if they love us they would be willing to work hard to atone the damage they've created. Counseling benefits us all. Counseling is for people who have the COURAGE to realize they need help. Your husband would benefit also - EVERYONE takes something away from counseling. The best thing one could do would be to make counseling an ultimatum after an affair. My hope would be for You to go for YourSelf even if he doesn't.
Regards,
Tink
There MAY be others like Brice out there BUT I do think He is the exception - I think they are far and few between - to work as hard as He does - BUT - if HE can do it so can the others and after an affair we need that from our Husbands - if they love us they would be willing to work hard to atone the damage they've created. Counseling benefits us all. Counseling is for people who have the COURAGE to realize they need help. Your husband would benefit also - EVERYONE takes something away from counseling. The best thing one could do would be to make counseling an ultimatum after an affair. My hope would be for You to go for YourSelf even if he doesn't.
Regards,
Tink
PF.... I can really only speak about my affair. It seems as if most affairs are very similar, even identical in some circumstances. The difference in them is the people involved. You and I are probably going to handle different situations in different ways...its kind of what makes us humans.
With my affair, there wasnt a bit of me that was trying to get at my wife, at least on the conscious level. I thought about it long and hard and cant come up with a thing.... My wife had done nothing to warrant a personal attack, so for me it just wanst about that.
Having been doing a lot of reading since my affair happened, I have happened upon some people (even on this board) who had an affair with a vandetta. The purpose was to get back at someone for having an affair.
The thing with an affair is, regardless of the reason, they are hurtful enough. The reason doesnt change the fact or from what I've read, lessen the impact. Too many principles in which we base relationships on are betrayed when an affair takes place.
The decision to move forward with the relationship relies on the both of you. Both of you have to have the same focus and both of you have to really want the same outcome. Now is the time you have to begin to evaluate this relationship. Is it worth salvaging? Can I forgive? Can he be faithful? Can I learn to trust him again?
Take your time with this, and do not be afraid to seek some outside assistance. This board is great and there is a wealth of information available here....but keep in mind that very few of us here are professionals in the field of couples counseling. Most of us are the ones who've gone through or are going through repairing a marriage.
Smokey Bear says, "only you can prevent forrest fires" but it is only you who can decide if you want to go forward with the relationship. Take your time, seek some outside assistance, and sit down and have a talk with the guy and find out exactly where he is....
Best of luck!!!
With my affair, there wasnt a bit of me that was trying to get at my wife, at least on the conscious level. I thought about it long and hard and cant come up with a thing.... My wife had done nothing to warrant a personal attack, so for me it just wanst about that.
Having been doing a lot of reading since my affair happened, I have happened upon some people (even on this board) who had an affair with a vandetta. The purpose was to get back at someone for having an affair.
The thing with an affair is, regardless of the reason, they are hurtful enough. The reason doesnt change the fact or from what I've read, lessen the impact. Too many principles in which we base relationships on are betrayed when an affair takes place.
The decision to move forward with the relationship relies on the both of you. Both of you have to have the same focus and both of you have to really want the same outcome. Now is the time you have to begin to evaluate this relationship. Is it worth salvaging? Can I forgive? Can he be faithful? Can I learn to trust him again?
Take your time with this, and do not be afraid to seek some outside assistance. This board is great and there is a wealth of information available here....but keep in mind that very few of us here are professionals in the field of couples counseling. Most of us are the ones who've gone through or are going through repairing a marriage.
Smokey Bear says, "only you can prevent forrest fires" but it is only you who can decide if you want to go forward with the relationship. Take your time, seek some outside assistance, and sit down and have a talk with the guy and find out exactly where he is....
Best of luck!!!
You are in a bad place right now ! I do not know if you want to stay in this marriage or get out of it.
If you want in still you must talk to someone about this, both of you ...as time is not healing it is a festering sore that is getting worse.
You somehow must find out what triggered it and for that you must sit down and ask without getting angry at him.
I can tell you now he did not mean it when he stated you were not important anymore that was meant to hurt you deeply.Why .....as that was a very cruel thing to do.
You have to get this sorted out as you are going through hell maybe you could get out of your home and go and stay with friends for a while anything to escape this situation.
If you don't you will go down the black hole of hell( Depression )....and my angel please do not go there as once you have been there its easier the second time .
If you want in still you must talk to someone about this, both of you ...as time is not healing it is a festering sore that is getting worse.
You somehow must find out what triggered it and for that you must sit down and ask without getting angry at him.
I can tell you now he did not mean it when he stated you were not important anymore that was meant to hurt you deeply.Why .....as that was a very cruel thing to do.
You have to get this sorted out as you are going through hell maybe you could get out of your home and go and stay with friends for a while anything to escape this situation.
If you don't you will go down the black hole of hell( Depression )....and my angel please do not go there as once you have been there its easier the second time .
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A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
