For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.
I'm not real sure how to go about this. I don't know if a back story is necessary. It might be helpful to understand where I am coming from and what I am looking to accomplish. This might be the wrong place for this question because I am on the other side of the spectrum.
Enough with beating around the bush and to the point. I had an affair more than 2 years ago. It was a tawdry, nasty thing that evolved from contact on a social networking site. There was all kinds of deception and lying on my behalf. I broke my wifes heart and its something I'll regret for the rest of time. My wife has known about the affair for 16 months or better... (I've lost track of all of the dates.)
We've decided to work it out and have seen therapists. What do I need to do to prove to her that I do love her and that she is what I want in life?
Where ARE You "coming from"?
What ARE You "looking to accomplish"?
How long have You been married?
Do You have Children?
Why were You on a social networking site?
How long did You decieve and lie to Your Wife?
So, you had an affair and are now trying to work through it with your wife. Living with guilt is hard. I could beat you up for your choices you made but know I don't have to. You probably do it to yourself all the time.
I think that you think in terms of being an open book for your wife. Reassure her until you are sick of it and then do it 1000 more times. Treat her emotions with respect and have great empathy. Do things for her to make her feel loved.
I also highly recommend a counselor to sort through issues the marriage had and the new issues it now has due to the infidelity.
good luck. Some are able to stay together and work things out if they are motivated to do so. Peace
I'm late to this but I am in your wife's shoes. My husband had an affair 3 years ago. All I can tell you is what specialmom said. You have to have full transparency with everything. If she wants access to your phone, email, facebook, or whatever, then allow that. She shouldn't have to feel like you're hiding anything. Take her out on dates and treat her the way you did when you first met her. You are basically rekindling the love. Surprise her with flowers or a card. I remember adoring the little love notes my husband would leave me. It made me feel special and it showed that he was thinking of me. Openly communicate. Whatever it is, share with her your feelings. If you feel neglected or if you feel guilty, tell her. I'm sure she would like to know. Whatever it was that made you reach out to someone else rather than your wife, you need to not go there again in the future. Better to be open then turn away. My husband and I have been through the rocky part and are in a much better place. But it will never be the way it was before. I still to this day will always wonder if he's being truthful with me. I just know how to handle those emotions a bit better. It's a rough road and takes a lot of work. It is worth it though.
Wow! You sound exactly like my husband, even being 45 and from Las Vegas. What you will have to understand is you have ripped her world out from under her. She has had to sort through the emotions from the beginning. She has had to make choices she never wanted to face, such as "Do I leave now, and live with my broken heart alone?" (Trust me, she will be living with her broken heart with or without you.) "Do I allow him to prove himself again, and in the process set myself up for another crushing blow?" (Her ego will not let her trust for a while. Maybe a long, long while. She trusted once, and was totally blown out of the water.) She is dealing with feelings you can't even imagine. I know in my case, there was the obvious pain; humiliation - because this was going on under my nose and I was still blissfully giving advice to younger couples, believing I had the perfect marriage; loss of dignity - I totally lost it when I learned the truth and showed a side of myself I never wanted ANYONE to see, let alone my kids, my neighbors, my coworkers and my bosses; and just plain confusion - something I had believed with all my heart could never happen had happened. I knew it, I was being told it was true, the evidence was all in front of me, and the person I trusted most in all the world was telling me I was crazy, a *****, jealous, stupid, trying to prove something that could NEVER be true, and I knew better. Then there were two months of him trying to continue the affair, while telling me all my stress and discomfort was my own craziness and jealousy. Two months of her texting, facebooking and calling me with hints, trying to make me angry enough to leave him so she could have him. Two months of him defending her and telling me how sweet and forgiving a person she was. Telling me he had stopped talking to her, and her making it clear that she still knew every day to day detail in our lives.
I fought through all this. I don't feel like I "gave him a second chance." I am in love with this man, and I have been for 20 years. Walking away did not seem to be an option for me. WE have two nearly grown kids, and all I have in life is this family.
So I guess it depends on how much damage you did to your relationship in hiding the affair. How much you can love and support her while she tries to get her feet back under her.
Brice has worked very hard at it. He is my best friend, so I have depended on him for support, even though it hurts him to see me in pain, and he gets angry sometimes. I think it's hard for him to imagine a pain that stays so raw for so much time. It's kind of like clinging to the tornado that has swept your whole life away. It doesn't make any sense, but since when does love make sense.
I wish you luck, and I would love to hear more about your story. Just love her, and give her time. And don't screw up again!
1) I think the couples therapy is a good idea.
2) I think you should consider seeing one solo and dig into why / how you could do this.
If your wife sees that your making sincere efforts it can't help but improve the chances you reconcile.
3) There is one (small) book that has helped a lot of couples going though this nightmare. Linda j McDonald's - "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" Ms McDonald has a website you can get the book and Barnes & Noble and Amazon show its available. There is an audio book version if your not a reader. You might also be able to check it out at the library. It hits everything so take deep breath when you open it.
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