Attn: Mami, Specialmom and others

[TTinKKerBBell]

Mami - It makes PERFECT sense to me why You (& others) forgive him but not her. It's imperative that You forgive him if You choose to stay & remaining angry at her is totally understandable to Us all - You would HAVE to forgive him in order to stay I TRULY UNDERSTAND THIS I commend You for doing so and I respect Your choice - whether We forgive him or not it's unimaginable to me that every one of Us wouldn't remain angry at her and want to blame her I TRULY UNDERSTAND THIS TOO (DeeDee truly is the exception on this!!)
Specialmom seems to realize a little more what I've tried to state here and She's correct that I am no longer with my cheater.  I chose not to stay.
Some of You are calling the anger I felt "rage" and seem to think it has "consumed" me. I realize my solution isn't the right path for everyone but it IS right for some of Us & I do have something to offer here in support of Those who feel They cannot stay. My perception is that my anger/unforgiveness was "HEALTHY" it Liberated me & gave me Strength to do what I chose to do.  The injustice We have All been served entitles Each & Every one of Us to deal with it in whatever way works for Us.
In my case:  What he did SHOOK ME TO MY CORE - his ABILITY to Lie, Cheat, Deceive me, Kiss me in the Bright, Sunshiny Light of Day as if nothing had occured!! I did not even know he had the CAPACITY to Betray me IN THIS WAY.  His ABILITY to do this made me realize that my Husband, who I had thought of as an extension of myself, was suddenly a STRANGER.  I was HORRIFIED!! to feel my Husband, the Father of our 3 Children
was a STRANGER!! Learning this about him made me feel I could no longer Believe in him as I had before - it changed who I THOUGHT HE WAS!!.
This speaks nothing of the Dishonesty, Plotting, Planning, Arranging, Lack of Regard, Concern, Love, etc., etc., for the Children and me - I would never have believed in a ZILLION years he would/could do this.  I chose not to live with this STRANGER who held my Love, Faith, Belief, Trust in his hands with no Regard for the Pain and Anguish the Children and I would experience.  He made the choice to smash our dreams to smithereens!!    for a little sex??!!     I chose not to give him the power to do that again.  
Bottom Line is if You stay You do need to "forgive" and if You leave You don't have to "forgive" a wrong that's been done. That doesn't mean it is eating me up, it just means it's not okay what he did and as far as I'm concerned "forgiveness" is between him and God. I've never regretted my choice.  May You ALL never regret Yours.

[brice1967]

Forgiveness is an interesting concept, and one I am trying to learn myself.  Although I am the one who was involved in an affair, I am learning about forgiving nonetheless.

I have a few people in my life who were very close to me.  One was a parent, the other was like an uncle.  I put my entire future in their hands because of a promise, and I had it blow up in my face.  I was cut out of all promises, and my future then seemed gloomy and grim.  I now had a wife and kids to take care of.  Theres a lot more to this situation than I'll get into now.

Anymatter, I am trying to learn to firgive them.  The fact of the matter is, this situation has bread nothing but hate and disgust for these two people in which I am talking about.  I have spent too much time pondering this situation, and wondering what the future could have been like.  I know know that it is just that...thinking about what the future "could have been" is what's probably been holding me back all these years.

I know nobody who can hold a grudge better or longer than I can.  The fact of the matter is, it does me no good to sit and harbor these bad feelings.  My life, my wifes life, and the life of my kids is passing me by and I sit and waste time on this????  It doesnt make sense.  We are too important to live like that.

When I get some answers about forgiving, I'll be glad to post them.  

Back to the affair.  I wish it never happened.  My wife is the greatest lady of all times.  I knew it when I married her, and I know it now.  I think she can speak better on the word forgiveness than I ever will be able to.  I know that I am not forgiven, but I also know that we are working towards that.  I am very thankful for that.

[GroovyDeeDee]

Tink, you sound so much like me in the beginning.  I TRULY held Brice on a pedestal (as did a lot of people in the small town where we live).  He is a man of integrity and honesty and is well trusted and respected for that.  He expects the same of those he surrounds himself with.  But he faltered - BIG TIME.  

However, he has been my best friend for 20 years!  And I couldn't imagine living without him.  The most painful thing about the nighthe told me the truth about the other woman was my feeling that it would have to be the end of our marriage.  

I had to work through a LOT of anger to get where I am.  I am still working through the pain - I don't know if I will ever be totally free from it.  

Writing down my letter of forgiveness, promising not to think ill of her, and not to contact her has helped me immensely.  I always try to be a woman of my word, and now that I've communicated that promise - I feel obligated to hold myself to it.  

It has made it easier to fight back the negative feelings toward her when they do arise.  I have to, to maintain my own integrity.  

I also wanted to point out that "forgiveness" does not mean you are saying it is "okay."  It just means you will separate the sin from the sinner and move on.  You can forgive someone, and still detest their transgression and make it clear it will NEVER be accepted again.  

Tink, I hope you find peace and faithful love in your future.  

Good luck!  

[lor662]

i think you are right,,i have not forgiven him and have not forgoton the very thing you say,,im stuck in a place i hate,,everyday is a struggle every day i look at him,life goes on but being with him makes me sick,,i dont no if im scared after all these years to leave,,but i no i hate my life with him and everything he brought to our children and myself,,i also remember him picking me up after a 12hr shift and say he had a rough day,,ya if you call spending are money i work hard for and driveing in that sports car it took years to splerdge after buying are house hard and screwing your girlfriend hard then ya you really had a hard day,,,and lets not forget the morning coffees together befor you kissed me off to work so my job could babysit me while you whent out to have fun with her and are money,,i mean after all while he was paying her bills i was paying my own,,and what was ever left oh ya i gave to the kids to go out with there friends,,, thanks

[mami1323]

Oh I totally feel you on that sentiment.  I felt the very same thing, shock that the person I was with wasn't who I thought he was.  It also shook me to my core.  I think I held my fiance up on this pedastol and when I found out what he was capable of, I was blown away.  I still to this day doubt things he says, even when it may be the truth.  It has completely changed the way I look at him.  I have less faith as you say, in him.  I know I can only really rely on myself and trust in myself.  I think you are a strong woman for sure.  I think the more you tell us about your situation the better we can understand where you are coming from.  At first it just sounded like you were extremely angry, which you are but, it sounded like that's all you were and it was not a healthy place to be but now I can see more clearly what you are talking about.