Infidelity User Group
Can you get beyond it?
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For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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Can you get beyond it?

So some of you may know my situation from the relationships community where I had a question about leaving my relationship. I had discovered my fiance was cheating on me and was thrown into a complete depression of what to do or not to do etc. I have been given lots of emotional/mental support by doctors and counsellors and took a major time out for myself by going home to stay with my folks for a few weeks. After several conversations with my fiance we decided to give it another shot. I was happy with this decision because I love this man very much and would like things to work out for us. I've been home now with him for almost two weeks (not long yet I realize) and things have been great between us. We get out and do things together and are able to laugh and talk the way we used to. But I still have this lingering feeling in the back of my mind of whether I can trust him fully again or if I am always going to wonder what he is doing behind closed doors. Will this feeling get better and go away? It hasn't caused any problems to this point and I should say I'm not suspicious that he is doing anything...it is more like a constant worry, like when is the floor going to fall out from beneath me again? I want this to work and I suppose if I have to feel this way for the rest of my life, well, I just don't know if that is feesible. So does it get better? Do you learn to just relax again? And if so how long until I can be one of those people again?
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What you are feeling is totally normal.  You are actually doing a lot better than most who have been betrayed.  I know I had mood swings and ups and downs for a good year until finally making peace with what had happened and allowing myself to open up again.  I stayed with my fiance but feeling comfortable was another story.  I could have fun but I was faking it most of the time because even though he was treating me great, I couldn't get past what he did.  I worried all the time he was lying to me, that he was sneaking calls or texts, that he wasn't really where he was supposed to be.  I doubted every word that came out of his mouth.  I tried so hard to enjoy our relationship but that dang shoe falling always got to me.  I guess what made me relax was the fact that I knew I couldn't control anything.  I couldn't control him and his actions.  If he was going to cheat he was going to cheat.  No matter how much spying I did would stop it.  I just had to believe that he learned a valuable lesson and that he knew that this was his only chance and if he messed up again he would lose me and his son for good.  So I let go and just tried to make it work.  Since I said I would give it a shot, I had to do that.  I just had to have faith and not allow myself to be a victim.  I would know what to do if it were to happen again and stick to my decisions.  You can't fear the future, if you do than what life are you living?  You're totally right, you can't live life that way.  I still have my days even now, a year and a half later I still have my moments of distrust but I don't let it control me the way it used to.  So it does get better as time goes on and as long as your fiance shows you that he's remorseful and proves to you his fidelity going forward, than you will be able to rebuild the trust.  No it will never be what it once was but you can create a stronger bond.  No relationship is without it's problems, some larger than others.  The worst that can happen is he does it again and you have to walk away.  Good luck.
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Thanks mami. I think you hit the nail on the head about not letting the distrust control you...I feel like before I took some time for myself that was exactly what was happening. The dirtrust controlled me and everything I did. Now though I'm trying very hard to simply recognize that the other thing you mentioned is correct; I cannot control his actions or choices, if he is going to cheat again, he is going to cheat again and there is not a bloody thing I can do about it except stick to my guns and walk away should it occur again. I trully hope I never have to reach the point of walking away but I do feel strong enough now to do just that if the situation calls for it. I'm tired of playing the victim you know? I want to take the control back for myself. Thanks so much for your input, you really spelled out just how I was feeling.
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That's what I did for a long time, played the victim and it was horrible.  But it was just what I had to do to move past what happened.  I took the time I needed to recover and even though I may have taken too long for some, for me it's what I needed to go through in order to make a decision of whether I wanted to stay or not.  I'm much stronger since I experienced this and I know that if I had to walk away I could.  I think we are a better couple now and if we didn't go through what we went through I don't think we would've stayed together this long.  Sounds weird I know but I think we grew as people from the experience.  Good luck, you will be ok just stay strong.
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It is going to take  time. You will have your good days and your bad days. Just try to focus on the good. I know it may be hard and I need to listen to my own advice. But know we are all here for you.I would not have made it this far with out the support I have received here.
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Thanks so much. I'm sure people say this all the time, but I'll say it again anyways; it is just so comforting to know I'm not the only one who has been through this and who is honestly trying to piece it back together again.
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I know, I felt the same when I went through it.  Honestly, it's very easy for people to tell you to leave and to walk away, he's not worth it but it's not so easy to do.  I used to be the type of woman who said I would never tolerate my man cheating on me, and I never did in the past but when I had a child with this man, I couldn't just easily walk away.  If he was sorry and begged for me to just give it a another chance, then why shouldn't I.  It's not easy at all, it's actually the hardest thing I've ever done but I wanted my family.  I found comfort in this site when I would have women coming and talking to me saying that they've been through it and repaired their relationship.  You really lose your pride when you give someone a chance after they've betrayed you.  In a way I sort of felt stupid and embarrassed.  But when I realized I wasn't alone, it gave me a bit of strength and when I found out that their relationships were strengthed after it, then it gave me hope.  
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Wow Thank you that is how I feel at time Stupid and embarrassed. My 15 year old daughter says to me, mom I love you but I could not do what you are. If it were me I would leave him. I asked her if that is what she wants for us to divorce she said No way! But she could never do what I am doing. I want her to see that if you love someone it is worth working it out but then at times I feel like am I going to regret this later on? He had not given me any cause to feel that way though. I just with there was a way to take all the hurt and pain away quickly.
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I think people all too often say they would never put up with it but when it comes down to it, most give it a shot for the sake of their family.  And it's not like that love just disappears.  Now men who continually repeat that behavior and cheat over and over, that's the type of relationship I refuse to be in.  
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I think that is one of the bigger things I've been trying to contend with; people saying they would NEVER put up with something like this. But honestly you can't make that kind of statement without having been put in this type of a position. It's not like this is just some guy I was dating for awhile, this is the man I had planned on marrying. It's not so simple to just walk away from everything that we have built together, all of our hopes and dreams, the house we have...just everything. It really makes me respect women and men who can overcome this type of trangression and I hope that I can be one of them someday too. I worry that this may all crumble down around me and people will look at me and say "told you so" but I trully don't think they can understand without having lived through it themselves. Thank goodness for you gals and your constant understanding, I appreciate you all.
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Those who say NEVER probably never experienced it before or they never started a life with that person.  I had a child with my fiance, I couldn't just up and walk away that easily.  I'm glad I didn't because we could go on to have a potentially healthy relationship.  We've definitely grown closer to each other and he knows if he does it again, it's over for him.  So he either better stay on the up and up or he better be good at hiding things.  If your friends are true, they wouldn't say "told you so".  My friends actually understood why I made my decision and they said to me if it doesn't work out than at least you know you did everything possible and you will have no regrets.  
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ITS NOT SO SIMPLE TO WALK AWAY FROM EVERYTHING YOU HAVE BUILT TOGETHER....HE DID?
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I was one of those, "I would never put up with that" women.  But I have an 18 year marriage, and two beautiful children!  He spent 3 nights with the other woman.  Yes, I was angry.  Yes, I was hurt.  But we are going to work on this marriage and learn from this horrible experience.  I first had to give myself permission to go back on my principles and forgive his affair.  I'm still working on it, but I'll get there.  
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Ditto!
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Yes, it's very hard sometimes to let our pride go for the sake of our families.  But sometimes it's worth the fight.  My son has his father, I will hopefully go on to have a strong relationship.  You would be surprised how many women change their mind when it happens to them.  One of my best friend's was that woman who said she would never deal with her husband cheating and you know what, it happened to her and she's doing everything she said she wouldn't do and that's trying to reconcile with her husband.  Now she knows how I felt when it happened.  
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Hey, read "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahams Springs.  It has helped big time repairing the fall out from my affair.  Give it a shot.
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I read your post and would like to offer my opinion and what I am learning in the healing process.  I am a 43 year old male, guilty of having an affair.  I did my best to keep it from my wife, but she was on to me so I "fessed" up.  

Before confessing, I figured it would be the end of the only thing I ever really wanted to be successful at....marriage.  Watching the pain and suffering I had caused my wife was the most difficult thing, and the thought of even trying to rebuild at that point was just not possible.  I wanted to, but thinking she'd be willing to, after what I did.... impossible!

Then, at our first session of couples therapy I heard something that I didnt want to hear.  "Not all marriages are meant to be saved!"  The thought of that statement made me sick.  I couldnt imagine it. I almost didnt hear another thing in the rest of the session.  Then the encouraging news came that "if 2 people are in love, are dedicated to making it work, success rates are great!"

That is what I am holding on to.  Both my wife and I are in therapy, both by ourselves and couples therapy.  Some days are good, some not so good, and some days are great!  The simple fact of the matter is, both parties have to be willing to give it their all.  In therapy, both parties need to be forthright and honest and be willing to hear the truth.

It can be done.  We are going to succeed!  We have 20 years invested in the relationship and 18 years of marriage.  This is doable!  
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I think you are right Brice, it is doable if both people want it badly enough.  I wish there was an easy fix, unfortunately it takes time and patience.  After 2 years I would've hoped I would be able to just push certain feelings aside but I to still have bad days.  Thoughts I wish I could just erase pop and I have to quickly think about something else.  Still wonder if he's telling me the truth about certain things.  It's really hard but we are still together 2 years after the affair and my son is so happy to have us both.  It's not just about us, it's about his happiness as well.  That's what keeps me moving forward each and every day.
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Congrats on the 2 years!  I honestly do believe it is doable if both people want it bad enough.  And as for the quick fix, I too wish that was a possibility but with all of the dmage on numerous fronts it just takes time, effort, and forgiveness to get through.  Better than a quick fix, I'd like to be able to have a "mulligan".  (Golf term for another chance with no penalty)

Obviously, I too am glad that things are looking positive on our end concerning our kids, but I either read or heard from our couples therapist that kids can learn a lot of positive behaviors from watching their parents go through therapy, even if it doesnt work out in the long run.  (Dee Dee and I are going to make it, as we are both working out butts off)

What keeps me moving in the right direction is just the learning thats taking place.  Learning about myself, my wife, and just things I didnt take the time to recognize keeps me pointed in the right direction.

And the one thing that you said that sticks with me is the fact that after 2 years for you guys, there are still things that you dont fully believe him with.  I totally get that, even though Dee Dee is a real trooper, but its only been about 7 weeks since the affair was exposed.  What I am doing to help build that trust is remaining totally transparent and open about everything.  Dee Dee at will can check up on everything I am doing.  She said she feels bad, like she is my mother or something, but Ill do anything to build that bond back and I dont care if it takes 20 years.

Keep after it everybody!
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Thank you Brice.  Well transparency was very difficult for my fiance.  He's very closed off, he's been that way since I met him.  His ex wife used to go through his things all of the time so to him snooping was a big thing for him.  I used to do it all the time, even before he cheated and he hated it.  So he never used to let me see anything.  That's how it became so easy for him to do certain things behind my back.  We started off bad, after his affair the contact with the other woman lingered for awhile.  It was very hurtful to me and even when it stopped he started changing his passwords again.  But recently we've gone to a different therapist and now he gives me full access to everything.  His phone, his email accounts, everything.  I don't even feel the need to look, and it's because he isn't so closed off.  That was a huge issue for us.  I don't do anything yet he doesn't have any of my passwords...but he doesn't have to worry about me.  I'm very faithful and I don't give him reason to doubt me.  My phone is always out and available for him to look at if he wanted to.  

It's been a rough 2 years, a lot of ups and downs and we've now finally come to a really good place in our relationship.  I know he's sorry and I know he loves me.  I trust him a bit more and more each time he does something that rebuilds it.  Like coming home when he says he will, not going out and when he does he checks in with me.  If he has an appointment with someone, he will show me the email correspondence or text message from them.  The more he does this the more I'm able to believe in him.  He hates it when I shut down and I only do that when I feel like he's being dishonest.  My guard has been up for so long that when he feels like I'm putting it back up he quickly does what he needs to do to keep it down.

I'm glad you and Dee Dee are working things through.  I believe you both will come out of this a stronger couple.  Hang in there.
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Mami - you and the otheres on here are an inspiration to me.  As I think you can see on here, Brice is a guy worth hanging on to, and he's making such an effort - he inspires me, too.  

For the longest time, I couldn't even read a whole post on here in one sitting, I would get short of breath - weak in the knees, etc.  But now I'm hoping that I can be on here in the future and sharing our success story to help others like us dig in and hold on!  

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I'm so glad that at least what happened to me has allowed me to help others.  Means that it happened for a reason.  I have to look at some positive aspect of the situation.  Everyone takes chances no matter what.  You could wind up ending your marriage and who knows if your next relationship won't end up the same way.  There are no guarantees in life.  At least you and Brice are working on things and growing as people.  Why not do it with someone you shared so many years with and children with right?  I think you are an inspiration to others here as well.  Me included.
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It is so good to hear that things are going well. My husband thinks a lot like brice. I am able to check up on him whenever I want, and I do, There are times I hate it, because I too feel like his mother but then I still have a bit of trust issues or I would not be checking. I guess the adage fool me once is true for me. I do not ever want to find myself in that situation again, most painful thing I have ever experienced. But as I said before rebuilding the relationship has been a blessing and Joe has been so open and understanding. There are days I know that he just wishes I would forget but he understands that I cant. I am just so thankful that he is open bout the whole situation.
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Yes, it sounds like Brice and Joe have a lot in common!  How do great guys like them get sucked into these messy situations?  That's one of the questions that drives me crazy!  Brice has always been very forthright and honest, and I was so shocked to learn that he had set his principles aside for this woman - for a tawdry long weekend!  The "why" of it, which he can't answer is what drives me crazy.  

It is getting easier to just not think about it, though.  We ARE making progress.  
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I wish I could say the same thing :(....but I feel differently about my fiance then you both feel about your husbands.  Do I think he's being faithful to me now?  Yes.  Do I think he's cheated on me in the past where I couldn't actually prove it?  Yes.  Do I think perhaps he will do it again?  I don't know.  I love him to death but I can totally see why he got sucked into an affair.  He's very easily manipulated.  He doesn't understand consequences until he's right in the midst of it.  I know he loves me but at times I do struggle with whether or not he can walk the straight and narrow.  I just take it one day at a time.  
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I am sorry Mami,  The good thing is he is with you now and we can not let fear of the unknown eat at us. I know b/c I have. Just want you to know you have been such a strength to me! Dee dee, Same here the WHY is a killer but they don't even know the answer. If you dwell on it , it eats at you so I have to let it go. It tries to pop up every know and again.
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Mami,
Are you and your guy in counseling.  That is the thing that reassures me that my very easily manipulated, hopeless romantic husband won't get drawn away again . . .
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We are and have been. I just hope its enough.
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Mami, be strong and keep youre head in there!  We too are relying on hope and both of our strong wills.  From talking to you in this forum, you seem to be a real strong woman.  If your guy is half as strong and committed as you are, its a sure bet that it will work out.

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Thank you brice. I hope you're right. We have come a long way I think my fiancé still has a lot of growing up to do still. But I do believe he is committed.
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No that its important, but what age bracket are you guys in?  We are in our 40's, and all of the problems are the same.  Maybe some maturity does come into play, but I dont know.  All I know is my wife is the woman for me, I never, ever should have risked the relationship for the trollop, and I will use the rest of my life making my wife feel special.  (she is, and that was my job to begin with)

I still dont know what I was looking for.  My therapist has some thoughts, but I havent bought into them completely...."the perfect woman" is a joke, but thas what this ***** was portraying herself as, and she did everything she could to lead me away....I went, bad on me and Ill carry that cross for the rest of my life.

Here's to an *** load of better decision making for the rest of our lives!!!!
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We are in our early 30's. I hope its out of his system now and we can get on with our lives. I just thought the 20's was when men did their dirt...lol. I just want to live life now.
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Ok.  So every thime we get in a couple of really good weeks, I find myself getting upset, and the hurt returns, and I start asking questions again - sometimes the same questions, and Brice still says he can't answer, 'cuz he doesn't know what he was looking for, etc.  I am starting to be mean to him.  I am NOT a mean person.  I have always tried to be kind in all situations - but when this all came to light, I said some of the meanest things imaginable to the other woman.  I don't think its ok to be unkind, even to her.  I am not a religious person, but I hold myself to a certain moral code that requires me to be kind above all.  The affair was very unkind on her part, and on Brice's.  I could never do something like that because of all the hurt it would cause, but the same as she is breaking her principles (she's a real Bible thumper) I am breaking mine, simply by being unkind.  

When will I be able to put this to rest and just accept Brice's love and reassurance withou always questioning?  (Why did he do it?  What did I do to cause it?  What did she have that I don't have?  Is it because she's 7 years younger than me? etc. etc. etc.)  I continue to drive Brice crazy and am afraid I will drivehim away with my craziness.  Advice, please!
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Dee Dee it isn't anything you did or didn't do.  It had nothing to do with you at all.  My fiance cheated on me with a woman who was close to 40 and much less attractive.  So it's not that she had something you didn't.  I think that these women know how to manipulate.  Whatever issues are in the relationship/marriage, whether big or small, these women make them feel like they would be better off with them.  They give this illusion of a relationship that is unreal.  They are the ear to listen to the problems, the shoulder to lean on....all these things but it's not real.  I don't think Brice knows exactly why he did it either.  I think he's unsure of why he would jeopardize his marriage for someone who clearly wasn't worth it.  Infidelity strikes to the very core and it will take a long time to heal.  You should not feel bad for this other woman.  She didn't care about you at all.  What you said to her, she most likely deserved.  So don't beat yourself up about that.  After my fiance's affair I became such an angry person and quite verbally abusive.  I was just so angry that I didn't know how to deal with it so I lashed out all the time.  It was also a way of protecting myself.  I refused to allow him to hurt me so I pushed him away with my anger, I kept him at a safe distance.  Eventually it does get easier, the anger does subside.  I just realized I couldn't let these two control my happiness.  I couldn't live the rest of my life being so angry.  But you have to understand it takes a long time to heal.  The first year is the hardest.  Give yourself time and certainly give yourself a little leniancy...you've been through a lot.
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My heart breaks for you. I know where you are. You are going to have those days. The advice I was given was to not constantly nag Joe about it. That was and is very hard. I did alot of journal writing, Talking to people on this site and calmly telling Joe how I felt. It took him a bit to realize it was his duty to hear me out because after all he did cause the pain.

If you see that he is truly sorry for what he did and the pain he caused and is trying to honesty work things out you need to try to find another outlet. I know it is hard and part of you wants to cause him to hurt like he hurt you. I know that feeling but really what will that do but cause more problems.As for being rude to the other woman. She deserves much more then what you said.
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