Infidelity User Group
Having a hard time and need support
About This Group:

For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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Having a hard time and need support

People, I am just having a hard time today.  I came home from work and just felt so lonely- internally I was feeling as if everything is empty. It really depresses me sometimes.

My husband says he just wanted to help these "people" ( I can think of many many many less civil descriptions for these      "people ". But I won't type them) and nothing happened. But, I just feel like  he went too far. And  I don't understand how he could say the things and do the things he did to me.

I just feel  unloved. I am really just very depressed right now.  

His bad actions are done, but I still feel bad.  I am really just insecure now. I don't trust.  I am just really upset. I feel like my emotional essence has been raped.

It is just not a good day for me. By the end of today, I was just unmotivated (which is still bad because I still have things to do at this late hour).  I just don't feel like doing anything- I almost don't care  (but I have to care because I need to do things for work tomorrow).

When will Friday get here?Maybe it will bring relief with it.

PassionFlower09
7 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey PassionFlower,

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day.  Happens to all of us, even when life is basically fine, let alone when someone's going through the difficulties and turmoil that you're having.  Somehow the usual motivation to get on with life and do all that needs doing has vanished without trace or explanation, and you simply can't be bothered with anything.

I mostly find that I just muddle through to the end of the day, when I wake up the next morning that dead feeling has just disappeared during the night and I'm back to normal.  I guess your post was a few hours ago, so it will be the next day by the time you get this, so I hope this has worked for you!

Can your husband be any use to you when you get like this?  Just let him know you're feeling down, you need to be looked after and cossetted, ask him to sort supper while you snuggle on the sofa under the rug, ask him for a hug, whatever works for you when you feel down, but not talk about your problems at all.  Would this work for you, or do the problems between you make this too awkward and not comforting for you?
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1388999_tn?1370046414
You are in quite severe  depression,you need to go and see your doctor !! before it gets any worse.
You are going through the grieving process and somehow you must not let it go any further as it will progress to you sleeping most of the time.

Sammy is right! you need someone to cuddle up to and who will love you and give you the support you need right now.I think Sammy has come to terms with his heartbreak and is moving out of the black hole ...you will once you know which way you are going.

Trouble is your husband can not and will not understand....he refuses to take responsibility for his actions so you cannot get or want that support from him as he is the catalyst for how you feel now.

Is there anyone who you can turn to ? if there is go to them you cannot do this alone.

Stay strong  Angel you will get there.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi honey,
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Seeana is right, you are clinically depressed. You need to seek help.I was there too, and honestly no matter what my husband did it did not make the pain go away. Yes, he was and is a bit more supportive then your husband is but it seems from your last few posts that he is trying a bit harder. Funny thing is they caused the pain but are not able to take it away. Yes, they can help us feel better by constant reassurance and through their actions but it is like a physical injury. If someone cut you, yes they can be sorry and help in the healing process ( take you to the hospital, take care of the wound) but the wound is still there and takes time to heal and may even be painful.  You need to care for it the best you can. That means not doing things that may irritate it, cause infection etc. Same with your emotions yes it is going to hurt but if you keep dwelling on the pain ( picking at the cut) it is going to take longer to heal. I know it is easier said then done. There were days I did not want to get out of bed. I even tried to overdose one night on my daughters pain meds. ( I really did not want to die, love my kids to much to cause such harm. I just wanted the pain to stop. ) Thought if I could just sleep it would make it all go away. That is when I decided I needed help. I was put on anti depressants and no, it did not take the hurt away but It made it easier to deal with. I did not feel so dark. Please go to your doctor and also find a core group of friends who you can call, who can come sit with you. I have a friend who would just go out and rent some dvd's and pick up some take out and drinks, we would put the kids to bed and laugh till  it hurt. Just what I needed. Or she would let me cry until I could not cry any more. We are all here for you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks to all

Yes, I guess I am depressed. It comes and goes and I really don't recognize myself (sadness, anger, hurt , and etc).

I am trying to deal with all of this. I realized that I love my husband more than he loves me.
At the very end, when I asked him to stop communication with these people he said, "OK, I love you . Your well-being is the most important thing to me". Then he went and bought a new phone to call the b********** on. Now I just have a hard time t believing  anything: who knows if he is sincere. I feel like he purposely wanted to break my spirit. Now he wants to happy and peaceful. Only I am still hurting and still coping.

But yes, there are times when I really think I am depressed. But I just can't believe it. I never imagined myself in the place I am now.

Healing is a process I guess.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Passion have you been seeing a therapist yet?  I think you need to start going if it's just for yourself.  We all heal in our own time.  When you are ready to forgive him, you will know.  But how I started to heal was when I realized I had let these two people control too much of my happiness.  It wasn't fair that I had to suffer so much for their selfish actions.  But of course I allowed it to take over me and I continued to think of myself as the victim.  Which of course I was but I didn't want to be that anymore.  It does take a long time to get to that place though.  You have to want to let go of the anger and to move forward.  Whether it be with your husband or without.  Maybe start off with some daily affirmations to help you get some strength.  Plus I definitely think getting involved with something positive could help you.  Go to the gym or maybe look into a women's group.  Maybe find a cause that you would like to delve into.  Something to take your mind off of your husband.  Good luck hon.
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Avatar_m_tn
Him getting a new phone is harsh....way harsh!  You know where you stand now though.  You've given him a chance and he dropped the ball.  And you know what?  It's ok.  You found out now rather than 1,2,5,10 years down the road.

Reconciliation would have been great, but you now know its not an option.  What is the old saying, "actions speak louder than words".  It sux, and its going to take a lot of time perhaps.  

All of the above information is sound and comes from folks who have been there or are there now, maybe a few steps beyond where you're at.  I like what mami said about joining a gym, a womans group, or a charitable cause to donate time too.  For me, the gym has worked wonders and it has helped my wife too.  Put on the IPOD and rock out!  I never think about my situation while in the gym, I just concentrate on exercise and without thinking about any aggression, just blow off steam.

The bottom line is, whatever works for you.  Definately seek out some therapy though.  It has been so beneficial with repairing our marriage and has worked on us as individuals as well.
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1388999_tn?1370046414
Well I agree with finding something to do.What about finding a group of guys  unmarried and free of course that need help and introduce them to your mans women.Or help them don't forget to buy a new phone to call them up.

Said in jest but wouldn't it be good if it could be done love to see his face.Anyway I would start to go out with some friends and start to live a life again.

Please do not sit at home fretting as he has the control  ! let him see that you will get on with your life with or without him.Do not be there..... let him start worrying what you are up to this is another choice if he wont go to counselling with you.

So many things to do.... join a tennis club or whatever interests you do as you please, make it fun.... please please do not sit there in misery IT DOES NOT HELP.

Oh and do as Brice suggested go to the gym get fit, get your hair done  a new cut ...look fit to kill ,you look good you feel good start your new life as soon as you can
we will be here to support you and try to give you the strength you need to do it.

Thinking of you ...go get em.

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