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How come when things go crazy my mind goes back to the offense?
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For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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How come when things go crazy my mind goes back to the offense?

Okay, Joe and I have been working on our relationship for about a year and a half now and it seems like things will be going well with us but then something else will happen ( death in the family, kid sick financial issue) and even though that is what is causing the pain my mind reverts back to what Joe did to me and I get all upset again. I get suspicious, and anxious.
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11 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
I understand that.  Dee Dee and I have gone that same route, but what has been told to me is to remember to keep all issues seperate.  If it's a sick kid, finances, car problems, etc.... address them for what they are.  Do not confuse them or tie them to the affair.  They have nothing to do with the affair...seperate issues.

Now if the affair is the issue, deal with it.  Offer the safe environment and get it out there.  Voice your concern and let Joe get to the bottom of it with you.

It's a hell of a lot easier giving information than taking it sometimes, isnt it?  LOL
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Avatar_f_tn
I meant to reflect on Your post as it stimulated my own thoughts but I posted under Your statement in PassionFlower's post "are all affairs just affairs or do they have a feel of personal vengence?  

I feel like You're beating YourSelf up because You can't "let it go" and my Heart is Heavy for You.  My belief is everything You Feel and Everytime You Feel it is perfectly normal and natural under these circumstances  - the UN natural thing is to think one can "forgive and forget".  We have to find a reasonable, do-able way to come to terms with the infidelity.

"Acceptance" worked for me while I stayed  (I stayed 15 years) and again it worked for me when I left.

I wish You peace,
Tink

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Avatar_f_tn
You are so right TinkKerBBell. I guess all I can do is accept. I am really trying to move on. I was doing better about 8 months ago but we have had a few minor set backs. This has really made me a bit physco. I mean I feel, say and do things I never would have imagined doing.
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1388999_tn?1370046414
Is it like this ....You start to relax and maybe start to heal a little bit but your mind wont let you move on and you go back to that feeling because you have become safe with it.

In fact what ever happens you put that feeling back on like an old shoe ....its a protection thing..... that way you are prepared for any hurt that comes your way.

If you cannot look to the future with hope and optimism you are not in a good place.

Why ??? because I have been there and still am to a certain extent,....its causing me health problems. I must do something about it as I am with a wonderful man now.

I think it will help when I can move away from my property with all those memories and get to the coast.

It will get better ....you are so much younger than me and time is on your side.
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Avatar_f_tn
You're very hard on YourSelf for being simply human.  It takes a lot of time to move through all this (way more than 8 months).  Look at seeana and look at myself - these many years we still feel "injured" by what we endured.  That's simply reality - this is Major Trauma - it does take a lot of Effort, Energy and Time.  You've decided to keep Your Family intact, the Desire to get better with this is there - so You WILL get better.  You need to be more Patient and Understanding of YourSelf.  Maybe You could practice a little of that "forgiveness" on YourSelf for being annoyed with YourSelf  - when in actuality Your reactions are quite Normal, quite Typical and Most Certainly Understood and Identified with by EveryOne who has been in these shoes.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey love,

I feel the same thing often. Thanks for asking your question. And thanks for the responses guys.

PassionFlower
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1306053_tn?1323957610
I know exactly what you're going through - I was hoping it wasn't going to last that long, however - We've only been dealing with this for 5 months.  

One thing one of our counselors said to me that seems to help me get through it is this:  "The past does not exist."  At first, I thought this doesn't make sense, because it happened and was reality.   A book I read by Deepak Chopra explained it like this:  Imagine a beach, with a nice beach chair, - sit in the chair - imagine the breeze in a palm tree nearby . . . ."  Did you see the beach?  The palm tree?  Did you feel the breeze?  Probably, you did, but they did not really exist.  The past is the same.  It can only exist if you think about it, give it form, and dimentions.  As soon as the bad images come, I try to think "The past does not even exist! It is not here now!"  Sometimes it doesn't work, and I spin out of control - usually when there are other stressors that have nothing to do with Brice's affair.  But sometimes it does work, and that's why I have to keep doing it.  It works more and more often with practice.  When I think of questions about the affair, I try to put them away with my new 'mantra' which is:  All I really need to know is how much he loves me now.  

That works intermittently, too.  

Good luck to you and Joe.  I never imagined how hard this could be - but I think giving up on him would be even harder - so I will continue to fight the good fight . . . .
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Avatar_f_tn
We can "accept or understand" what others have done to us, but we don't have to like it. And we don't have to abandon our resolve.We don't have to ignore our feelings-what these people did was wrong and terrible. And we should feel what we feel until we stop feeling it.Not to say we should brew in sorrow; we should also strive to feel positive emotions. But it does not happen over night. It is not that easy to "forget"- Clearly we have all tried and at some point failed.

I think if we try to accept what happened and constructively acknowledge our feelings we will be better off.

Personally, I have been hurt more when I fell off the forgiveness wagon. I feel better knowing the pressure to forgive and forget is gone. I feel better knowing I am human, and I was hurt.- and there  is nothing wrong with not "forgiving or forgetting".  I  say this not because I am not angry, bitter ,or vengeful. I say this because I am not in a place to absolve those who hurt me.  When you say you forgive and will forget something someone has done to you, you are saying that that person is free from blame, guilt, or responsibility,  and most importantly, that you are in a position to be ok with this. Our spouses, loved ones  or etc, are always responsible for their interactions with us and the consequences of their reactions. That is one of the things that differentiate them from our neighbors.  Well, I don't know about y'all, but I am not there yet. I am just able to say, "OK, you hurt me, that is life. Lets try to heal and move on".

The expectation to forgive and forget is unrealistic and not fair to the hurt party. We should take things as they are and as they come. React to the situation appropriately.

Love just understand that your feelings are normal. Remind yourself that the issues are separate. Don't feel bad, but also don't do anything catalyzed by those feelings that cause you to lump everything together.

PassionFlower09
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Avatar_m_tn
Forgiving does not mean that you have removed a cheater from blame or responsibility at all.  Forgiving means that you have acknowledged what has happened.  It means you have looked at the situation inside and out, front to back, weighed your options and have decided to move on.  Moving on can be with or without your spouse.

Part of forgiving in this circumstance is that you have heard the cheater take responsibility for his/her actions.  You've heard and understand the apoligies.  You acknowledge that the cheater is making moves to better themselves, as they have acknowledged their problems and have decided to move forward with the intent of trying to save the marriage.

The other part of forgiving in this circumstance means that you as the affected person has weighed all of your options.  You know what happened, youve accepted it for what it is, and have decided to move forward in repairing the marraige or at least have decided to allow the healing to begin.  It means that you've decided that leaving the marraige/cheater may be more painful than the affair itself.  

Forgiving simply means that you have given up resentment.  If your spouse is dedicated to repairing the relationship, they will have taken full responsibility.  It means they will continue to take responsibility, they will own the rsponsibility as their own doing.  Basically by forgiving you're saying... "I can move on with this, we can move on with this!"

Forgiving has nothing to do with dropping your guard.  Actually in my personal beliefs regarding the affair it means that "Dee Dee has now decided to committ to making the relationship work.  Because of the affair, I can expect her to be more vigiliant.  It means that Dee Dee may question things now that she never questioned before.  It means that she is willing to let the healing to begin and wants me to be a part of the healing process."

For me, and I speak from my standpoint only...I know that Dee Dee knows that I have taken responsibility for the affair.  I own it, and I neither will be able to forget it.  It means that Dee Dee has been able to see my amount of hurt, my sincerity and is willing totake the risk of continuing with the marraige.  Forgiving does not make you a weak person at all.... In my opinion, forgiving means youre a stronger person.  Youre willing to move forward.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you all. It has been 16 months since the original offense took place, and like Brice said I did resolve to make my marriage work. I had my ups and downs in the beginning and was emotionally unstable ( first time admitting this but I even considered attempting suicide but could not bring myself to it due to my children). I was definer more vigilant concerning Joe, I knew he was sorry and he was hurting to but somehow to me it was not the same pain I was experiencing. It took me a good 10 months to finally feel like I was really on the road to recovery. In the mean time all hell was breaking loose at home with the kids being sick, finances and such but I felt as long as I had Joe I was ok. Then I found out that right at the time I decided to move on he started talking to a female client of his. Now it was not the same situation as last time. ( I explained in previous posts and journals) but I could see where it was headed ( that is once I found out). This devastated me and really set me back. Then two months later I found some things out about the original issue that were never disclosed to me. It was like ripping open not even a scab but a scar! It is really hard to have trust in someone when you feel you have been betrayed again. Like I said not the same but could have been. Funny thing is I now find myself almost in the same situation. I guess that when Joe receives flattery or female attention ( flirty) it really draws him in ( Insecurity I guess). I in turn generally laugh it off. I have always been honest and told him about any situation I find myself in as a safely measure, that way he knows all and I do not feel I have to hide anything. Yes attention from the opposite sex is nice but you need to be careful. He just got sucked into playing the game but I believe when you are committed to someone you do not even join in the game. I have let the gentlemen know ( at my gym ) that I am happily married, I thank him for his compliments and move on. I have told Joe about it. He knows, is not happy, ( more then just the normal comments, funny thing is he is a police officer and his specialty is surveillance! )But I told him I am not going to quit working out b/c he is insecure. He can trust me to know that I would not fall victim to the game. I mean he still has to work with this woman everyday and see the other one daily too. I have to live with that.
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Avatar_m_tn
Dee Dee and I went through the same thing, kind of.  With me, it was another psycho who enjoyed married mens attention and was trying to pick me up.  This trollop was from high school too and I had literally no more than 2-3 conversations with her the whole time in school.  Anyhow, nothing happened between this trollop and I so I didnt think it was important......man o man was I wrong!!!!

From my first post right after that until even today, I try to rack my brain for anything that is of importance and I cannot find anything.  I cannot swear that there isnt anything else, but I am pretty god danged sure of it..... the whole thing has my brain swimming.  I mean, in a real fog.  Joe might feel the same way.  (I dont want to speak for the man, and you certainly dont want an excuse from me)

In my case, so much B.S was flying everywhere from the center out, and the lies, and the deception..... I can hardly remember truth from fiction.  I was covering up my real life, covering up my affair to everyone everywhere.....its all so messed up!!!!
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