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How do you control your emotions through all this?
How do you control your emotions through all this? My husband had an emotional affair (maybe physical). I agreed to work it out. But there are days that I am completely fine. Then there are days,like yesterday when I found that he decided to send all my emails to trash ( I send emails communicating my feelings sometimes), when I am so angry and outraged by his treatment of myself. Because no matter how much I agree to forgive him, I still feel that he no right to treat me the way he treated me and make me feel the way he did.
By the way, I think this is a great group.
PassionFlower09
By the way, I think this is a great group.
PassionFlower09
LOL Seeana! I like it!
Haha, seeana. Sorry brice, but that last line was funny. I was having a conversation with one of my friends who I met through twitter. I am such a social networking w hore, I know. If only you knew how her and I found eachother you would laugh. Anyway, if you're curious, pm me. I'm getting off track. We were talking about infidelity and how it used to be so taboo. Meaning, it happened but no one spoke about it. It's embarassing to admit that you were cheated on and even more if you've decided to stay with the person who cheated. I'm sure brice is embarassed that he did it. So no one talked about it what so ever. When it happened to me I was trying so hard to get the support I needed. I wanted to know that the emotions I was going through was normal. I felt so alone and of course you don't want all your friends and family to know. So who do you turn to? When I posted on medhelp about my fiance's affair I was so afraid of the response I would get. Surprisingly everyone was very supportive to my situation and some people even came to me in PM's and said they could relate, that it happened to them or that they suspected it happening in their relationship. They didn't really come out on a public forum and say anything but at least they spoke to me privately about it. Once I opened up about my story I started noticing other women posting on their situation. When I started journaling it was so therapeutic and then when I created this group and realized that by coming out I was able to help other people. I just knew it had happened to me for a reason. I turned all the negativity into something positive. Her husband had cheated on her about 20 or so years ago and they are still together but she was saying how when she went through it there was no help out there. I just feel like if I could help at least one person get through it then I have done my job and I can get more awareness out there. It's debilitating and it's heartbreaking and it's so damaging to one's self. But knowing you aren't alone in it can help more than you realize. Good luck to us all.
I am so glad you came onto this forum... the reason being that you have put the males point of view over and more importantly someone who has cheated and realised the consequences of their actions.
Just imagine if you had not contributed and we only heard about the hurt and despair that cheating has caused ....not the regret and guilt from the other side.
You have helped to give an insight into the ,male mind and look at it from another point of view.
Which has made this forum very rounded and fair,willing to look at all angles instead of a hate fest on the opposite sex.
But my dear Brice do it again and we will all personally come round (with Dee Dee's permission of course ) cut off your Testicles with a rusty knife and push them up your Rectum.With respect of course.
Just imagine if you had not contributed and we only heard about the hurt and despair that cheating has caused ....not the regret and guilt from the other side.
You have helped to give an insight into the ,male mind and look at it from another point of view.
Which has made this forum very rounded and fair,willing to look at all angles instead of a hate fest on the opposite sex.
But my dear Brice do it again and we will all personally come round (with Dee Dee's permission of course ) cut off your Testicles with a rusty knife and push them up your Rectum.With respect of course.
lovemykids....as usual, well put. And thank you for your compliment. I am glad anything I can say at this point can be of help to anyone.
Everything everyone says on here has some truth to it, but its not all applicable to everyones case. All us our situations are different even with all of the similarities. The fact of the matter is, with the support one can recieve here and some professional assisntance, we can all get through this. Perhaps with different outcomes, but we need to move on...all of us. Everyone needs to make decisons, and like every other decision....we get to live with them.
The good news there is, we can all regroup and give it another go. Eveyone stay strong and keep fighting the good fight. We all will be ok! Good night John-Boy.
Everything everyone says on here has some truth to it, but its not all applicable to everyones case. All us our situations are different even with all of the similarities. The fact of the matter is, with the support one can recieve here and some professional assisntance, we can all get through this. Perhaps with different outcomes, but we need to move on...all of us. Everyone needs to make decisons, and like every other decision....we get to live with them.
The good news there is, we can all regroup and give it another go. Eveyone stay strong and keep fighting the good fight. We all will be ok! Good night John-Boy.
Wow, my cpu at work was down. I just saw all this when I got home.Group therapy 101!
First of all, Thank you Brice, you have helped me understand Joe's point of view more then you will ever know. It is so nice to have a man who was the one who caused the hurt to be open and honest on this sight. You took a risk coming here but I know it has been well worth it.
Passion, my heart breaks for you. We are coming from the same situation. People say well you do not know if he actually cheated you know what He cheated. Physical or not he gave of himself to another or others , parts of his life that were to belong between the two of you and it hurts like HELL! You have every right to be angry. But anger is not a true emotion. It stems from something else and in our case it is hurt, rejection and so on. I feel you are moving along this path right on schedule (if that makes sense) I look back on my posts and see the same feelings around the same time into my healing process.
I too would right emails and letters and at times Joe would not even read them. It hurt me. But Mami is right. Joe said he would hold his breath when he would check his messages. He just wanted to move things along not keep rehashing the past. He knew how I felt but could not do anything about it. And I would start the letters out gently but the more I would type my anger would come out and before I knew it I was bashing him then ending it with I love you and I want this to work.
I found now when I get to that point I do not care what time of day or night it is, I leave the house. I go for a run or to the library or the gym. I need to get my self to that place where I know I am not going to loose control. Just like you I have always been the door mat, the one who will bend over backward for others. So I was very surprised when I would physically lash out on him ( yes I hit him, scratched him, dented his car, drove to her place of work and confronted her) . It drove me to do things I never imagined I was capable of. And he took it all. He does not blame the situation on me but my response was driving him away .
I realized the only reason I wanted all his passwords and such was so I could control him. I wanted to know where he was and who he was with, who he was talking to and so on. He said he deserved it and let me have all the info but it is not good for any relationship.
i have learned to work on ME, not him ( THANKS TO MAMI). Yes, I still hurt and part of me wanted him to hurt and to hurt him in a way that was not so obvious but that would remind him what an a$$ he was. It did not work. But when I stopped caring about what he did and put that energy into me, my kids and so on I caught him one day watching the kids and I out playing soccer and he was crying. I asked why he said I almost threw all of this away.
I learned what you feed becomes stronger. If you dwell on the hurt and negative it grows in your heart. If you let it go and begin a new with a positive out look (not easy but doable) that grows. Granted it takes two but if he is not willing at least you will come out the stronger person.
First of all, Thank you Brice, you have helped me understand Joe's point of view more then you will ever know. It is so nice to have a man who was the one who caused the hurt to be open and honest on this sight. You took a risk coming here but I know it has been well worth it.
Passion, my heart breaks for you. We are coming from the same situation. People say well you do not know if he actually cheated you know what He cheated. Physical or not he gave of himself to another or others , parts of his life that were to belong between the two of you and it hurts like HELL! You have every right to be angry. But anger is not a true emotion. It stems from something else and in our case it is hurt, rejection and so on. I feel you are moving along this path right on schedule (if that makes sense) I look back on my posts and see the same feelings around the same time into my healing process.
I too would right emails and letters and at times Joe would not even read them. It hurt me. But Mami is right. Joe said he would hold his breath when he would check his messages. He just wanted to move things along not keep rehashing the past. He knew how I felt but could not do anything about it. And I would start the letters out gently but the more I would type my anger would come out and before I knew it I was bashing him then ending it with I love you and I want this to work.
I found now when I get to that point I do not care what time of day or night it is, I leave the house. I go for a run or to the library or the gym. I need to get my self to that place where I know I am not going to loose control. Just like you I have always been the door mat, the one who will bend over backward for others. So I was very surprised when I would physically lash out on him ( yes I hit him, scratched him, dented his car, drove to her place of work and confronted her) . It drove me to do things I never imagined I was capable of. And he took it all. He does not blame the situation on me but my response was driving him away .
I realized the only reason I wanted all his passwords and such was so I could control him. I wanted to know where he was and who he was with, who he was talking to and so on. He said he deserved it and let me have all the info but it is not good for any relationship.
i have learned to work on ME, not him ( THANKS TO MAMI). Yes, I still hurt and part of me wanted him to hurt and to hurt him in a way that was not so obvious but that would remind him what an a$$ he was. It did not work. But when I stopped caring about what he did and put that energy into me, my kids and so on I caught him one day watching the kids and I out playing soccer and he was crying. I asked why he said I almost threw all of this away.
I learned what you feed becomes stronger. If you dwell on the hurt and negative it grows in your heart. If you let it go and begin a new with a positive out look (not easy but doable) that grows. Granted it takes two but if he is not willing at least you will come out the stronger person.
I am a douche bag. I cheated. I wasnt going to speak my mind, but after reading all of the above posts numerous times I am going to write in.
First off, about emailing your feelings and opinions: Emails are a great way to drop a note or a reminder, because of its convenience. Regardless of the time of day that it is recieved, the most basic of note...."pick up bread", "remember to go pay the phone bill" get attended to immediately. The problem with emailing anything emotional is, the emotion cannot be properly displayed via email. Look how easy it is to find Ttinkerbell as a very angry person. (I dont believe she has dropped her anger....read her post and try to not find anger there). Regardless of emotion, it cannot be properly displayed in an email. Speak in person.... that way your true emotions are out in the open and your spouse can easily see your facial expressions and your body language. Your spouse can easily hear the tone of your voice, and if either of you is misunderstanding the other at this point, you can ask questions.
There is certainly a big difference in holding someone accountable for their actions, and punishing them or holding something over their heads. I am not saying this because I am the cheater. Having been the worlds best grudge holder, I know what a horrible waste of energy it is, and it can also be what dissallows one to find their true happiness. If your intentions are to save your marriage, whether youre male or female, perpetrator or the affected, if you keep bringing it up with malicious intent you will eventually drive away your partner. If your intentions are to save your marriage and you truly love the other person, you are going to have to find another way to deal with it. Being mean and nasty all of the time, you will eventually find yourself alone. if being alone is your wish, this is the easiest way to accomplish this. (Dee Dee learned this and a bunch of good stuff in her session yesterday...appeal to her, she is a straight shooter)
Mami, Seeanna, specialmom, and lovemy kids are great. They dont appreciate what I have done but are willing to listen to the other side. If you need support, these gals are all over it and are terriffic. I have learned alot through listening to them, and they have been a big help! My wife is a good listener too, and does offer up some good advice.
Feeling the anger: It is part of the grieving process. It, along with sadness, physical pain, sleeplessness, anxeity, sorrow or just about any other emotion you can come up with are totally normal in this situation. Nobody is telling you to quell those emotions. Everyone is telling you that there are ways to deal with them that can help you save your marriage. If you truly love this man/woman, want to spend the rest of your life with them, cant imagine living life without them, DO NOT CHASE THEM AWAY. Get some help dealing with your emotions.
Look, I am not trying to break my arm in order to pat myself on the back. I know what I have done. I dont need the constant reminder of what I have done becuase it is already there for me. I dont know how often my wife really thinks of this affair, but I do know how often I do and what I think about myself over this. Being reminded isnt necessary. I will NEVER forget what I have done to my wife, I am accountable, have taken full responsibility for what I have done, am being supportive, and am listening to everything and applying all applicable information into saving my marriage and helping my wife through this.
I am not taking a shot here, but Tink's situation a bit diffferent than anyones elses here. She too has offered some great insight. I am not going to elaborate on her situation, simply because I know nothing about it except what she has said. She can fill you in if she wants.
if your intentions are to save your marriage, like mine are, you cannot feel entitled to bring this up at will, with anger and malicious intent. If you honestly cannot live without your partner, how are you going to feel if you run them off?
None of what I did was Dee Dee's fault. I did not do this to get back at her or to injure her. Our therapist explained it perfectly yesterday, and I'll let Dee Dee fill everyone in, if she wants to. It pertains to the production of the chemicals in the brain..... and that alone becomes a bit of a high. That becomes addictive. This is not an excuse for what I did, but it does fill in some of the gaps that she needed filled.
I have written long enough and frankly forgot where else I was headed with this. On to the rest of the day. I hope everyone has a healthy and joy filled day. Everyone keep their chins up... we can all get through this!!!
Brice
First off, about emailing your feelings and opinions: Emails are a great way to drop a note or a reminder, because of its convenience. Regardless of the time of day that it is recieved, the most basic of note...."pick up bread", "remember to go pay the phone bill" get attended to immediately. The problem with emailing anything emotional is, the emotion cannot be properly displayed via email. Look how easy it is to find Ttinkerbell as a very angry person. (I dont believe she has dropped her anger....read her post and try to not find anger there). Regardless of emotion, it cannot be properly displayed in an email. Speak in person.... that way your true emotions are out in the open and your spouse can easily see your facial expressions and your body language. Your spouse can easily hear the tone of your voice, and if either of you is misunderstanding the other at this point, you can ask questions.
There is certainly a big difference in holding someone accountable for their actions, and punishing them or holding something over their heads. I am not saying this because I am the cheater. Having been the worlds best grudge holder, I know what a horrible waste of energy it is, and it can also be what dissallows one to find their true happiness. If your intentions are to save your marriage, whether youre male or female, perpetrator or the affected, if you keep bringing it up with malicious intent you will eventually drive away your partner. If your intentions are to save your marriage and you truly love the other person, you are going to have to find another way to deal with it. Being mean and nasty all of the time, you will eventually find yourself alone. if being alone is your wish, this is the easiest way to accomplish this. (Dee Dee learned this and a bunch of good stuff in her session yesterday...appeal to her, she is a straight shooter)
Mami, Seeanna, specialmom, and lovemy kids are great. They dont appreciate what I have done but are willing to listen to the other side. If you need support, these gals are all over it and are terriffic. I have learned alot through listening to them, and they have been a big help! My wife is a good listener too, and does offer up some good advice.
Feeling the anger: It is part of the grieving process. It, along with sadness, physical pain, sleeplessness, anxeity, sorrow or just about any other emotion you can come up with are totally normal in this situation. Nobody is telling you to quell those emotions. Everyone is telling you that there are ways to deal with them that can help you save your marriage. If you truly love this man/woman, want to spend the rest of your life with them, cant imagine living life without them, DO NOT CHASE THEM AWAY. Get some help dealing with your emotions.
Look, I am not trying to break my arm in order to pat myself on the back. I know what I have done. I dont need the constant reminder of what I have done becuase it is already there for me. I dont know how often my wife really thinks of this affair, but I do know how often I do and what I think about myself over this. Being reminded isnt necessary. I will NEVER forget what I have done to my wife, I am accountable, have taken full responsibility for what I have done, am being supportive, and am listening to everything and applying all applicable information into saving my marriage and helping my wife through this.
I am not taking a shot here, but Tink's situation a bit diffferent than anyones elses here. She too has offered some great insight. I am not going to elaborate on her situation, simply because I know nothing about it except what she has said. She can fill you in if she wants.
if your intentions are to save your marriage, like mine are, you cannot feel entitled to bring this up at will, with anger and malicious intent. If you honestly cannot live without your partner, how are you going to feel if you run them off?
None of what I did was Dee Dee's fault. I did not do this to get back at her or to injure her. Our therapist explained it perfectly yesterday, and I'll let Dee Dee fill everyone in, if she wants to. It pertains to the production of the chemicals in the brain..... and that alone becomes a bit of a high. That becomes addictive. This is not an excuse for what I did, but it does fill in some of the gaps that she needed filled.
I have written long enough and frankly forgot where else I was headed with this. On to the rest of the day. I hope everyone has a healthy and joy filled day. Everyone keep their chins up... we can all get through this!!!
Brice
Well said Mami. I wanted you to know Passion that in a marriage, working on being able to express those feelings you are having in a certain way with your partner is something to strive for. Writing it in email is difficult because it can come at any second when someone is busy at work, having a good moment, etc. and it is then something they can make a hard copy and keep forever. Venting in written form is dangerous because of that reason. We say things when we are angry that when we've cooled off we may not feel so intensely or even at all. And say he is thinking about how he is glad he is with you and what you are going to do together this next weekend and in comes an email that tells him how angry and hurt you are. If you shared with him your anger and hurt face to face---------- you pick appropriate times to do so. Does that make sense?
So, I'm not saying to stop expressing yourself to him but work on actually doing it in his presence. When you have these conversations----------- I think it is important to be careful how you start them. If you come in guns blazing right off the bat, he will shut you down/tune you out/ become defensive/ go into protective mode. So, you have to approach it in a disarming way. An example "I know you are really sorry for what happened and I appreciate that. Sometimes I feel really insecure now about your feelings. Maybe I'm still in shock it happened." Just expressing how you feel without saying "you dirtbag!!!". I think he does know at this point you feel that way and so he is careful about discussing it with you. But if you have conversations in a way that is talking openly about it without him fearing you will lose it on him---------- you might really be able to dig deeper to do the repair work.
Just a thought. good luck
So, I'm not saying to stop expressing yourself to him but work on actually doing it in his presence. When you have these conversations----------- I think it is important to be careful how you start them. If you come in guns blazing right off the bat, he will shut you down/tune you out/ become defensive/ go into protective mode. So, you have to approach it in a disarming way. An example "I know you are really sorry for what happened and I appreciate that. Sometimes I feel really insecure now about your feelings. Maybe I'm still in shock it happened." Just expressing how you feel without saying "you dirtbag!!!". I think he does know at this point you feel that way and so he is careful about discussing it with you. But if you have conversations in a way that is talking openly about it without him fearing you will lose it on him---------- you might really be able to dig deeper to do the repair work.
Just a thought. good luck
No one is saying not to feel anger, like specialmom said it's a natural part of the grieving process. When it lingers for way to long that's when it becomes an issue. It really does put a halt on you finding your very own happiness. Being angry takes a lot of energy as well. I know I'm much happier now that I've let go of my anger. I don't condone cheating and I certainly think expressing your feelings is therapeutic but at the same time it prevents both parties from moving forward. In the beginning I used to write my fiance letters all the time. Telling him how much he hurt me, reminding him constantly of the pain he caused. He would read it and not respond and I used to get so angry with him for that. It's not that he didn't care, he just didn't wish to delve into the whole affair over and over again. He knows what he did, he knows how much he hurt me, he lives with the embarassment and guilt of it all the time. No matter how many times I told him about it, it wasn't changing what he already knew. It eventually got annoying to him. Yes he did the deed but the reaction I wanted from him wasn't the one I was getting. The happier we are, the more regret he has. The more I make each day a good one, the more he remembers just how he almost ruined it. Sounds stupid but it actually has brought us closer. Of course all this comes in time but it is very easy for a man who has cheated to run away. They don't have to face what they did, it takes a strong person to stick it out and deal with the ramifications. How much are you willing to make him pay? Is it at the cost of healing yourself? Those are things you have to answer to yourself. You have to live with your decisions just as much as he does and frankly if I've decided to stick it out and make my relationship work, I have to try and move past the cheating. But that's my opinion.
I hear/feel Your Pain and My Heart is Heavy for You
Sincerely,
TTinKK
Sincerely,
TTinKK
My emails are probably the reason why he likes talking to those women. They, "lick his wounds" just like little hyenas.
Passion
Passion
Ahhh,
The old cross roads....
Why do things happen? What am I supposed to learn from all this?
I wrote my husband an email, and I told him (nicely) that it feels as if he changed his passwords back thinking I would check,and he wanted me to see that he trashed my emails.
I told him that I'll not be writing him any more words. Maybe this was wrong, but it is what I feel. It was difficult to write.
His medical/psychology background can help some b*******ch, but he doesn't know how to use it to repair the mess he made with our relationship. How can he seriously not understand what he did? I asked him how he would feel if he were me, he said he did not know. And he probably would not like it.
Everyday, I look at him and I think, " I love you, but you hurt me. And you promised that you would never do that ".
I just don't understand. I see him, we make plans regarding our future, finances, and our life. But I am still so lonely and sad. Thank God for work. It keeps my mind off my life.
Anyway, enough rumination.
*****All of your tips are very useful. I will use them for sure. Thanks. It means so much to me.
PassionFlower09.
The old cross roads....
Why do things happen? What am I supposed to learn from all this?
I wrote my husband an email, and I told him (nicely) that it feels as if he changed his passwords back thinking I would check,and he wanted me to see that he trashed my emails.
I told him that I'll not be writing him any more words. Maybe this was wrong, but it is what I feel. It was difficult to write.
His medical/psychology background can help some b*******ch, but he doesn't know how to use it to repair the mess he made with our relationship. How can he seriously not understand what he did? I asked him how he would feel if he were me, he said he did not know. And he probably would not like it.
Everyday, I look at him and I think, " I love you, but you hurt me. And you promised that you would never do that ".
I just don't understand. I see him, we make plans regarding our future, finances, and our life. But I am still so lonely and sad. Thank God for work. It keeps my mind off my life.
Anyway, enough rumination.
*****All of your tips are very useful. I will use them for sure. Thanks. It means so much to me.
PassionFlower09.
Passion, I do see you making great strides in expressing emotions that you are naturally having after going through this whole thing. I think it is only natural to be angry. But, it will eventually bring you to a cross roads of whether or not you can stay. You can not stay with indefinate anger. And I hope if you decide to leave that you can leave the anger behind. Or if you choose to stay, you will have to as you say "let time do it's thing" (I like that).
Anger is a powerful emotion. One thing that can help is thinking of how you can take that energy and channel it into something positive or productive. Boy when I'm mad------ I have the best looking garden in the neighborhood and I'm quite trim as I take out my emotion through exercising. That may sound simple but if you find ways to turn the negative energy into something positive for YOU------ it helps a little.
In terms of quarreling. I understand what you mean completely. It is so easy to "go there" even when we are trying not to when we've been so hurt. My old stress thermometer that I pull out often might come in handy for that. First, try to notice what the triggers are. If something always sets you off or if it is when your husband is in a certain kind of mood, etc.------- make a plan B for that trigger. If it has something to do with muffins---------- maybe just don't bake for a while. Then whether there are identifiable triggers or not------- be really aware of yourself. Usually there are some signs that you are getting upset. So if you think in terms of a thermometer------- the bottom ball part is green and this is where you feel good. Things are just fine and there are no problems. The next section up is yellow and this is where you are becoming agitated. You are speaking a little faster and louder, breathing speeds up. You are not smiling. You feel "it" rising a bit. The next section is orange and this is where you are obviously mad. This is where you are possibly raising your voice, saying a dig of some sort to your husband, you are tight chested, breathing in a shallow manner, you are clearly ticked. The last section is red. REd is bad. This is where you are really yelling, losing it a bit, throwing a plate, at your worst behavior. You don't want to go red and I suspect you don't make it to red often. Your goal is to note when you are moving up the thermometer and head it off before it goes to the next level and then to bring it back down to the bottom where you are just right. So you are upset about something----- you are feeling the anger rising, the burning starting---------- what can you do to stop it and take it back down? Think in those terms. One thing you can do is physically leave the situation and go to another room right away. Once in the other room DO something (channeling that energy). You can also square breath (breath in for 4, hold 4, breath out for 4, hold 4) , you can open and close your fists tightly, you can go to a cool down spot and have some head phones with calming music, you can write in a journal, you can make a list (at another time when you are not upset!!!!) of things that are good about your husband and why you want to stay and then when you are upset-------- you can read them. YOu can beat the he----- double toothe picks out of a pillow all by yourself in the bedroom. Just do somethings that stop the bickering and picking of fights.
I wouldn't encourage a truly unhappy person to stay after their spouse cheated on them but when one has made that choice---------- you have to try to stay in the positive. You have periods of being angry----------- but acknowledging it and moving on is the goal.
You know I wish you the best Passion.
Anger is a powerful emotion. One thing that can help is thinking of how you can take that energy and channel it into something positive or productive. Boy when I'm mad------ I have the best looking garden in the neighborhood and I'm quite trim as I take out my emotion through exercising. That may sound simple but if you find ways to turn the negative energy into something positive for YOU------ it helps a little.
In terms of quarreling. I understand what you mean completely. It is so easy to "go there" even when we are trying not to when we've been so hurt. My old stress thermometer that I pull out often might come in handy for that. First, try to notice what the triggers are. If something always sets you off or if it is when your husband is in a certain kind of mood, etc.------- make a plan B for that trigger. If it has something to do with muffins---------- maybe just don't bake for a while. Then whether there are identifiable triggers or not------- be really aware of yourself. Usually there are some signs that you are getting upset. So if you think in terms of a thermometer------- the bottom ball part is green and this is where you feel good. Things are just fine and there are no problems. The next section up is yellow and this is where you are becoming agitated. You are speaking a little faster and louder, breathing speeds up. You are not smiling. You feel "it" rising a bit. The next section is orange and this is where you are obviously mad. This is where you are possibly raising your voice, saying a dig of some sort to your husband, you are tight chested, breathing in a shallow manner, you are clearly ticked. The last section is red. REd is bad. This is where you are really yelling, losing it a bit, throwing a plate, at your worst behavior. You don't want to go red and I suspect you don't make it to red often. Your goal is to note when you are moving up the thermometer and head it off before it goes to the next level and then to bring it back down to the bottom where you are just right. So you are upset about something----- you are feeling the anger rising, the burning starting---------- what can you do to stop it and take it back down? Think in those terms. One thing you can do is physically leave the situation and go to another room right away. Once in the other room DO something (channeling that energy). You can also square breath (breath in for 4, hold 4, breath out for 4, hold 4) , you can open and close your fists tightly, you can go to a cool down spot and have some head phones with calming music, you can write in a journal, you can make a list (at another time when you are not upset!!!!) of things that are good about your husband and why you want to stay and then when you are upset-------- you can read them. YOu can beat the he----- double toothe picks out of a pillow all by yourself in the bedroom. Just do somethings that stop the bickering and picking of fights.
I wouldn't encourage a truly unhappy person to stay after their spouse cheated on them but when one has made that choice---------- you have to try to stay in the positive. You have periods of being angry----------- but acknowledging it and moving on is the goal.
You know I wish you the best Passion.
So I think everyone has said a lot of good things. Personally, I think it is good too find the balance between all opinions which will keep one's emotional equilibrium.
Yes, I am angry, and I believe people should be accountable for their actions, and I completely agree that affairs change the people, and the dynamics of the relationship. I also believe that marriage partners are responsible for the other part of their partnership. I also believe that one has to be vigilant and responsive.
BUT, I also feel that one can't be angry forever and it really hurts all parties, and the marriage both emotionally and physically. I am angry not out of malice or anger, but hurt. This is the worst because I can't turn it off. I just have live life and let time "do it's thing". The hardest part is being able to channel it and cope with it w/o starting quarrels or etc. Believe me it is hard! I know many of you have experienced what I experience every day. I have never been an angry grudging person. Personally I feel like I was punished because of this characteristic.
So in summation, we have to be well-rounded in our emotions, our reactions, and expectations. It is ok to be angry, but long-term anger is not good for anyone.
PassionFlower09
Yes, I am angry, and I believe people should be accountable for their actions, and I completely agree that affairs change the people, and the dynamics of the relationship. I also believe that marriage partners are responsible for the other part of their partnership. I also believe that one has to be vigilant and responsive.
BUT, I also feel that one can't be angry forever and it really hurts all parties, and the marriage both emotionally and physically. I am angry not out of malice or anger, but hurt. This is the worst because I can't turn it off. I just have live life and let time "do it's thing". The hardest part is being able to channel it and cope with it w/o starting quarrels or etc. Believe me it is hard! I know many of you have experienced what I experience every day. I have never been an angry grudging person. Personally I feel like I was punished because of this characteristic.
So in summation, we have to be well-rounded in our emotions, our reactions, and expectations. It is ok to be angry, but long-term anger is not good for anyone.
PassionFlower09
Interesting that because I am intolerable of ANY excuse for infidelity,
that because I think a woman should be ALLOWED to demonstrate what this has meant to her
that You would interpret that to mean I am "consumed" with anger.
Angry at the CONCEPT of what You/ I /She has to do in order to make the marriage work after his infidelity - yes! CONSUMED by anger - no! I understand this forum is here for people to support one another. Some of these women need to be supported in their outrage and anger and shouldn't have to feel "bad" or "guilty" about the emotions they deserve to have. Some of these women have serious medical problems as a result (PTSD is common). There are those who follow Your view, there are those who follow mine. You don't have to agree with me or see it my way but there are some who will/do. Those are the ones I am here for.
I've said before "we are all right here AND none of us is wrong". I've also said "take what You can use from what I might say and leave the rest".
I would NEVER say one should not heal and recover - but I will say TRUE healing and recovery is not hiding (or allowing him to hide) from the emotions/questions that have been invoked by his deed. Otherwise, you may be deceiving yourself (and him too).
I didn't use the word "believe" - I said I don't BUY into "sexual addiction". I think it's a term that has been coined by therapists to keep people coming back - it also makes for a good excuse. There's no scientific evidence for "sexual addiction". I know what withdrawal to tobacco addiction, drug addiction, alcohol addiction looks like - I wonder what withdrawal of "sexual addiction" looks like??!!
P.S.
I also don't buy into "penis envy" (another well used term by therapists also not backed by scientific evidence. I think that makes these terms a matter of opinion rather than fact)
Regards,
TTinKK
that because I think a woman should be ALLOWED to demonstrate what this has meant to her
that You would interpret that to mean I am "consumed" with anger.
Angry at the CONCEPT of what You/ I /She has to do in order to make the marriage work after his infidelity - yes! CONSUMED by anger - no! I understand this forum is here for people to support one another. Some of these women need to be supported in their outrage and anger and shouldn't have to feel "bad" or "guilty" about the emotions they deserve to have. Some of these women have serious medical problems as a result (PTSD is common). There are those who follow Your view, there are those who follow mine. You don't have to agree with me or see it my way but there are some who will/do. Those are the ones I am here for.
I've said before "we are all right here AND none of us is wrong". I've also said "take what You can use from what I might say and leave the rest".
I would NEVER say one should not heal and recover - but I will say TRUE healing and recovery is not hiding (or allowing him to hide) from the emotions/questions that have been invoked by his deed. Otherwise, you may be deceiving yourself (and him too).
I didn't use the word "believe" - I said I don't BUY into "sexual addiction". I think it's a term that has been coined by therapists to keep people coming back - it also makes for a good excuse. There's no scientific evidence for "sexual addiction". I know what withdrawal to tobacco addiction, drug addiction, alcohol addiction looks like - I wonder what withdrawal of "sexual addiction" looks like??!!
P.S.
I also don't buy into "penis envy" (another well used term by therapists also not backed by scientific evidence. I think that makes these terms a matter of opinion rather than fact)
Regards,
TTinKK
First let me say, whether you accept it or not, as a clinical psychotherapist-------------- sexual addiction is a reality. What we "believe" is a choice and that doesn't make it truth.
Passion, there is much history to your situation that some may not know. For example, you do not want to leave your marriage and are unwilling to do so. Therefore, what helps you most is learning to place anger in the right place and to begin to let it go. Otherwise, you will remain miserable.
Let me point out that while Tinkerbell has been "over" her ex's infidelity for many many years, she still comes and takes out that anger here on other's people's husbands who have cheated. Sorry, but that is how I see it. She is still pretty consumed with anger and that saddens me for her. I do hope that she can let the anger go and concentrate on her marriage and happiness there.
I think venting is good and we need a place to do it at times. But people also have to make decisions to heal and recover. Mami has done an excellent job of working past the infidelity with her partner and on to a healthy relationship. I think for those who want to remain with their partner and go on to a peaceful existence together, I'd listen to Mami's advice very carefully.
Luck to all. Infidelity is hard but you CAN recover!!
Passion, there is much history to your situation that some may not know. For example, you do not want to leave your marriage and are unwilling to do so. Therefore, what helps you most is learning to place anger in the right place and to begin to let it go. Otherwise, you will remain miserable.
Let me point out that while Tinkerbell has been "over" her ex's infidelity for many many years, she still comes and takes out that anger here on other's people's husbands who have cheated. Sorry, but that is how I see it. She is still pretty consumed with anger and that saddens me for her. I do hope that she can let the anger go and concentrate on her marriage and happiness there.
I think venting is good and we need a place to do it at times. But people also have to make decisions to heal and recover. Mami has done an excellent job of working past the infidelity with her partner and on to a healthy relationship. I think for those who want to remain with their partner and go on to a peaceful existence together, I'd listen to Mami's advice very carefully.
Luck to all. Infidelity is hard but you CAN recover!!
I'm not saying for her to stuff it or that the affair hasn't changed the dynamics of the relationship, however, if she's chosen to stay and work out her marriage then it's going to take a lot of work from both sides. Her feelings are normal but she can't continue to hold it over Brice's head forever. She should deal with her feelings in an individual session. He did the deed, yes, but if it's thrown out at him at every step of the way he to will grow tired. It's totally different when you leave the relationship. Then you can do whatever you want, yell, scream, throw things, but when you are working at salvaging the relationship, there has to be some give and take. I'm not talking from not knowing. I've been through it. I also know that when I would bring up the affair it was holding me back from moving forward as well. The answers to those questions only hurt me more. We are all only human.
You and I are on the same page. I can't understand why the "Injured Party" AND the "Perpetrator" doesn't get this and instead thinks She has to Repress Her Issues for the sake of the Marriage (the same Marriage that HE chose not to treasure) - in that sense - he gets away with the consequence of what he did. He created the damage - if HE wants to save the Marriage then let him go through WHATEVER IT TAKES for the Woman to heal - if he's truely sincere, he is willing to do this.
(I have issues with this too in the sense that I feel a "sincere" person doesn't have an affair in the first place!! I do not accept that it is out of one's control to have an affair. I don't buy into "sexual addiction")
(I have issues with this too in the sense that I feel a "sincere" person doesn't have an affair in the first place!! I do not accept that it is out of one's control to have an affair. I don't buy into "sexual addiction")
TTinKKerBBell, regarding your comment: "We expect the impossible when We tell ourselves that We have to put the past behind Us. These affairs have changed Us - have changed who We thought WE were and have changed who We thought HE was. We ARE what We experience. Our "past" is part of Us and who We are. We do not think and feel the same way We did before these affairs. These affairs have changed Us FOREVER!! "
I completely agree. Affairs change the people, and the dynamics of the relationship. It is like your heart was raped (sorry for the strong comparison). Your heart and soul were taken against your will and damaged in the worsts way. As a result, you see things differently and you questions things that you would not normally think twice about (at least I do). Sometimes, you many not even recognize yourself. And you doubt things you would not normally doubt too.
It is important to address these issues.If more cheaters would really understand that the "interrogations/questions" are not about them or their comfort ,but about the healing of the other person, then the process of healing would be faster. If they would just completely surrender to their partner: freely without complaints, answering questions, giving passwords, being genuinely sorry and doing whatever it takes, things would be so much better. But we can't tell them this. They have to come to this conclusion on their own. Otherwise, it is just an act and means nothing.
I completely agree. Affairs change the people, and the dynamics of the relationship. It is like your heart was raped (sorry for the strong comparison). Your heart and soul were taken against your will and damaged in the worsts way. As a result, you see things differently and you questions things that you would not normally think twice about (at least I do). Sometimes, you many not even recognize yourself. And you doubt things you would not normally doubt too.
It is important to address these issues.If more cheaters would really understand that the "interrogations/questions" are not about them or their comfort ,but about the healing of the other person, then the process of healing would be faster. If they would just completely surrender to their partner: freely without complaints, answering questions, giving passwords, being genuinely sorry and doing whatever it takes, things would be so much better. But we can't tell them this. They have to come to this conclusion on their own. Otherwise, it is just an act and means nothing.
The past IS relevant!!
He made the CHOICE to do the dirty deed. He SHOULD face the consequences of that choice.
Yeah!! it's gonna be hard on him!! - SO WHAT!! HE EARNED IT!!
DeeDee, I truely hope Your Marriage survives - if that's what You want - but I have NO sympathy for Brice
NONE - HE DESERVES WHAT HE GETS
You're having to deal with the knowledge of his affair - why shouldn't he have to deal with what it did to You? Who cares if this is hard for him!!?? NOT I !!
I still hold that the biggest sex organ is the BRAIN. It's not an involuntary event (as in cough, hiccup, sneeze) - An affair is an INTENDED action and requires a LOT of thought, planning, deception, out and out lying, etc., etc. (One DOES NOT have to use every erection one gets!!) And having made that CHOICE one should be up for whatever conseqences follow!!
We expect the impossible when We tell ourselves that We have to put the past behind Us. These affairs have changed Us - have changed who We thought WE were and have changed who We thought HE was. We ARE what We experience. Our "past" is part of Us and who We are. We do not think and feel the same way We did before these affairs. These affairs have changed Us FOREVER!!
It's important to address Your feelings/emotions/questions instead of "stuffing" them - no matter how uncomfortable it is for THEM. They made their CHOICE - now it's time for them to MAN UP and deal with what comes - if they can't do that then maybe yet AGAIN they are showing themselves to be unworthy!!
He made the CHOICE to do the dirty deed. He SHOULD face the consequences of that choice.
Yeah!! it's gonna be hard on him!! - SO WHAT!! HE EARNED IT!!
DeeDee, I truely hope Your Marriage survives - if that's what You want - but I have NO sympathy for Brice
NONE - HE DESERVES WHAT HE GETS
You're having to deal with the knowledge of his affair - why shouldn't he have to deal with what it did to You? Who cares if this is hard for him!!?? NOT I !!
I still hold that the biggest sex organ is the BRAIN. It's not an involuntary event (as in cough, hiccup, sneeze) - An affair is an INTENDED action and requires a LOT of thought, planning, deception, out and out lying, etc., etc. (One DOES NOT have to use every erection one gets!!) And having made that CHOICE one should be up for whatever conseqences follow!!
We expect the impossible when We tell ourselves that We have to put the past behind Us. These affairs have changed Us - have changed who We thought WE were and have changed who We thought HE was. We ARE what We experience. Our "past" is part of Us and who We are. We do not think and feel the same way We did before these affairs. These affairs have changed Us FOREVER!!
It's important to address Your feelings/emotions/questions instead of "stuffing" them - no matter how uncomfortable it is for THEM. They made their CHOICE - now it's time for them to MAN UP and deal with what comes - if they can't do that then maybe yet AGAIN they are showing themselves to be unworthy!!
DeeDee have you noticed that there is a common thread with all the husbands.???
And that is when they are in an affair they talk the talk but don't walk the walk.
This is the nature of the Male.
No matter what they have said to these woman WHERE ARE THEY NOW !!!
The primeval sexual urge is very strong, nature has made most of them that way.
After all, we are just a different species of animals and the male has been programmed to pursue and mate and protect ! that is the core of their being.
OK ....they are of higher intellect and can fight the urge I know ...but given an opportunity
and the big come on.... some cannot resist, and when its combined with damsel in distress the protector comes to the fore and before you know it they are in that honey trap.....its an irresistible combination.
Dee Dee ! to make your marriage work you must put this behind you. Brice is feeling anger and frustration at himself and he is trying to make it up to you.Don't keep raking over the coals unless you want out of this marriage.
Let it go please...... or do you want Brice to be driven away ?????only you can answer that.
If you want to stay in your relationship and still love him you must find forgiveness in your heart before its too late.You could have a long and happy marriage before you, its all up to you.Being angry and hurt becomes a habit you must stop it before it destroys you and irreversibly affects your children.
Brice is an angel compared to some believe me,he is trying so hard ! give him that chance.......forgive, put your hurt and anger in a case then hide it away....till one day you can get it out and hurl it in the river for good.
And that is when they are in an affair they talk the talk but don't walk the walk.
This is the nature of the Male.
No matter what they have said to these woman WHERE ARE THEY NOW !!!
The primeval sexual urge is very strong, nature has made most of them that way.
After all, we are just a different species of animals and the male has been programmed to pursue and mate and protect ! that is the core of their being.
OK ....they are of higher intellect and can fight the urge I know ...but given an opportunity
and the big come on.... some cannot resist, and when its combined with damsel in distress the protector comes to the fore and before you know it they are in that honey trap.....its an irresistible combination.
Dee Dee ! to make your marriage work you must put this behind you. Brice is feeling anger and frustration at himself and he is trying to make it up to you.Don't keep raking over the coals unless you want out of this marriage.
Let it go please...... or do you want Brice to be driven away ?????only you can answer that.
If you want to stay in your relationship and still love him you must find forgiveness in your heart before its too late.You could have a long and happy marriage before you, its all up to you.Being angry and hurt becomes a habit you must stop it before it destroys you and irreversibly affects your children.
Brice is an angel compared to some believe me,he is trying so hard ! give him that chance.......forgive, put your hurt and anger in a case then hide it away....till one day you can get it out and hurl it in the river for good.
PassionFlower, you already know how I feel about your situation. My mind hasn't changed at all. You are never going to get over that rollercoaster if your marriage is stuck in the same place. Your husband either respects you and changes his behavior to make the marriage better and I think that would help you to learn how to forgive and move on. But if that doesn't happen I have little hope for your marriage.
GroovyDeeDee oh hon, it's very very hard. I had the same feelings as you. Maybe Richie was going to leave me at some point. I have no idea if he would have or not. He says no, she made it seem like they had something real going. I can't dwell on the past anymore. I have to just keep moving forward. If he wanted to leave me he would've. When the whole affair came out in the open, he made his decision then. So to me, that shows me more than the what ifs. At some point you have to decide if the questions are really worth asking. If you are going to get the answer you really want to hear. Because most likely you won't believe his answer anyway so why ask it. My advice is take one day at a time. Don't think about the past, it is irrelevant. Don't think about the future because you don't know what will happen. Focus on today and how to make it through that day. Make each day a good day if you can. I can honestly say I am happy and comfortable in my relationship again. I don't have anymore anxiety, I don't question Richie anymore, I don't worry if he's doing anything or who he's on the phone with. I just don't let it get to me anymore. You will get there in time. It's just getting there that is hard.
GroovyDeeDee oh hon, it's very very hard. I had the same feelings as you. Maybe Richie was going to leave me at some point. I have no idea if he would have or not. He says no, she made it seem like they had something real going. I can't dwell on the past anymore. I have to just keep moving forward. If he wanted to leave me he would've. When the whole affair came out in the open, he made his decision then. So to me, that shows me more than the what ifs. At some point you have to decide if the questions are really worth asking. If you are going to get the answer you really want to hear. Because most likely you won't believe his answer anyway so why ask it. My advice is take one day at a time. Don't think about the past, it is irrelevant. Don't think about the future because you don't know what will happen. Focus on today and how to make it through that day. Make each day a good day if you can. I can honestly say I am happy and comfortable in my relationship again. I don't have anymore anxiety, I don't question Richie anymore, I don't worry if he's doing anything or who he's on the phone with. I just don't let it get to me anymore. You will get there in time. It's just getting there that is hard.
Don't you just love the roller coaster? $uck$ don't it? I did the same thing. I think maybe he was just telling her what she wanted to hear and not really meaning anything by it,. From what he says He always loved you it was just something new and different that he got caught up in. I know how you feel I felt and at times feel the same but what does it really accomplish, but hurt our relationship now, I was allowing to much of the past to consume our present and future. I realized there is a choice I have to make, Do I have to be right at the cost of happiness or can I move on toward that happiness with Joe, It is hard but he is making every effort to help me through, Just do not make the same mistake I did, I just kept bringing it up and punishing him with my attitude. I would be great for a few days or week but then I would start dwelling on it and pouting so on. So he turned to someone else just to talk about it, just as we do here, but not on this site ( you know the story). He was wrong and admits that but I too need to take responsibility for my actions.
He says he had no feelings for this woman ( one from work) do I believe him, IDK, but will it change anything now if he said he did? Will it change anything for you now if he said he was planning on a life with her?
He says he had no feelings for this woman ( one from work) do I believe him, IDK, but will it change anything now if he said he did? Will it change anything for you now if he said he was planning on a life with her?
Brice was originally "helping out an old friend who was lonely and in a bad marriage!" I am having a hard time truly getting over his affair, and we are fighting again. He "car-camped" again last night, but is being sweet again this morning. He just can't stand any more questions, and I feel like I need answers.
Here's what I'm stuck on - maybe someone has some insight.
Was he just messing around with this woman, or was he truly planning to leave me. She said they were going to have a life together, and she knew details about how big my house was, how long until we are out of debt, stuff she would have needed for her plans to move here.
Brice swears he was only lying to her and doesn't know what he was getting.
He is a good guy - and I want to stay married to him, but every once in a while, I just get so angry when I realize he could have been ready to put me out of the house and carry on with her. He says it never could have happened, but he said an affair could have never happened in the past, and it did.
So I guess, my dilemma is - would it make any difference if he really was going to leave me? Should it make any difference?
What do y'all think?
Thanks for all your support.
Here's what I'm stuck on - maybe someone has some insight.
Was he just messing around with this woman, or was he truly planning to leave me. She said they were going to have a life together, and she knew details about how big my house was, how long until we are out of debt, stuff she would have needed for her plans to move here.
Brice swears he was only lying to her and doesn't know what he was getting.
He is a good guy - and I want to stay married to him, but every once in a while, I just get so angry when I realize he could have been ready to put me out of the house and carry on with her. He says it never could have happened, but he said an affair could have never happened in the past, and it did.
So I guess, my dilemma is - would it make any difference if he really was going to leave me? Should it make any difference?
What do y'all think?
Thanks for all your support.
His position has always been the same: "I am helping a person in need". My position has always been: " that is fine, but I don't like the way you are handling this and the effect it is having on our relationship"..
You are correct. He always blames me for "EVERYTHING". At times I think I live with a 10 year old.
He is obstinate. He thinks he knows everything- including me. But he is also one of those people who learn by having their a$$ set on fire. When it happens, I won't have any mercy for him. I am going to live my life with our without him. If it works out , it works out. Yes I am hurt, but I will live .
You are correct. He always blames me for "EVERYTHING". At times I think I live with a 10 year old.
He is obstinate. He thinks he knows everything- including me. But he is also one of those people who learn by having their a$$ set on fire. When it happens, I won't have any mercy for him. I am going to live my life with our without him. If it works out , it works out. Yes I am hurt, but I will live .
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