For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.
How (or did) you get to meet the person your spouse cheated on you with
This is how it happened for me, I still cant believe it.
kindof in denial, didnt think it was a serious relationship and generally pissed all the time....So he was trying to get me to stop fighting, work things out. So I said to him: Give me full disclosure, I know your cheating, and if you just admit it, come clean, I will move on , we will go to counseling, start fresh. This was over the phone, I was staying at a friends house. He said "OK" Now he lies like a rug, and I had absolutely no expectation of him admitting it. So the next day I reminded him of the agreement he made the day before. He said ok, you too... I told him, I really have not been with anybody, I am not seeing anybody or having any inappropriate relationship outside of my marriage. He said "well, I have" about then, things got a little fuzzy . I hit him right in the face, I mean this was no surprise to me I knew like I knew my name he was fkng around. but for him to admit it and say the words was a REAL big thing. He said her name, and that it has been more like a friendship, they had sex 3 times, and it had been going on for 7 months. I asked do you love her. he said absolutely not.What he was doing was eating away at him, he wanted US to be happy and work things out. So I cry, almost run him over with the car, and ram my car into the back of his. I was so mad. I cried so hard.Of course hes remorseful. So I said to him" tell her its over, your working out your marriage, and you can never speak to her again" he said no problem. I said " do it right now, meet her somewhere, and I will go with you" he said no problem. He arranged it, I went, my hair a little messy, my eyes swollen from crying,no makeup, yoga pants on and a sweatshirt. But I didnt care. I was so mad and devastated. Me and him follow eachother to the restaurant.I go in, not knowing squat about what she looks like but just knowing I would be able to pick her out even if there were 10 women sitting in a booth alone, dont know why.... She is allready there.. I throw my bag on the booth, sit down, and introduce myself as Mikes wife, nice to meet her. I asked if she knew he was married, she said yes. I asked her if she was married, she said she was separated. I asked her if she loved him, she said no, with a slight hesitation. I asked her if she had been to my home, she said yes.He is silent during all this... I called her a *****, and told her to never ever contact MY HUSBAND again, and I think I called her a few other names, too.... she said "it was more like a friendship" the phrase he had used.... he told her that he cannot speak to her anymore, he is working out his marriage, he loves me, and I am more important to him...I start swearing a little more, I think.... she is blinking uncontrollably, and shaking..... (yay) she says "i dont have to listen to this" says to my husband " Mike, did you say what you came here to say?' he said yes.... she got up, asked him to "keep her (me) away from her" and she walked out.And thats where my marriage either ended,started over, or somewhere in between. So thats my drama ...... I still wonder if it was all pre arranged, if he called her on the way and told her to say those things, but I will never know.
What do you guys think of this? I am so distrustful (rightfully) at this point I dont know what to believe...... Right now I am trying to save my marriage, and he is absolutely trying to.
Any similar stories?
Wow I envy you. I would've given anything to have confronted the other woman. My fiancé got locked up for having a suspended license. He owed tickets from back when he was married and living in Brooklyn. It was years prior to us even meeting. I also knew something was up. I had suspected it for a long time. So my mom goes to the precinct to pick up the car keys and he gives her his cell phone. Not sure why he did that because he could've had the cops confiscate it but he gives it to her. So when I got home from work I went through it. I saw missed calls from her and a text saying "I can't get you off my mind hope you're ok. I love u so much call me when u can xoxo". I was shaking and I text her back saying "oh u miss me" she text back "where r u?" I text "I had family things 2 take care of" she calls. I answer and say "oh so you love me fiancé?" she stutters. Basically I asked how long she tried to avoid it and said talk to him and I said he's a liar and probably won't tell the truth and I said I'm not coming offf nasty so please just tell me. She said a year and a half. I asked if she knew about me and she said yes and she knew about our baby and about the other kids and that we live with my mom. I went off saying what kind of woman does that and she's disgusting and she had balls to tell me she knew he was locked up and asked if he was ok. I said he was none of her business and that I'm not telling her ****. I hung up. So he calls me from jail and I asked him if he was going to be staying at his girlfriend's house cause he's not coming home here. Let's just say the rest of the night I got a million calls from him begging and crying. Saying he wants councelling and can't lose his family. He wanted to end it just didn't know how. Yeah ok that's why he called her and told her he was getting locked up. But he told her it was over the next day and she was hurt. But he continued to talk to her behind my back but it got less and less until I told him it was over cause he can't let her go. He said he had feelings for her and it was hard but he was ready. He changed his number and that was it. I never got to confront her face to face but left a message saying if she ever contacted him again she will see my fist in her face.
wow.... from the suspended license issues *right down to the living with my mom* your situations are so similar to mine!!!!
Supposedly, this thing mike had with this w hore has been over since that day, or at least he tells me, and I haveno reason to believe otherwise, yet anyway... do you think he would have put me and her in the same room if he were truely not reasy to end it with her? and btw, he said he was going to end it, too... she was getting really annoying to him and he realized what he was doing to me.....
You see that's the hardest part of this whole thing, you don't know what's the truth and what isn't. But I do feel in my heart that your husband is being genuine with you. I believe he is remorseful and has now recommitted himself to you and your marriage. We just have to have faith that our men learned what they had and don't want to lose it. I'm not sure if my fiance was for real when he said that he was going to end it. I know that his conscience was eating away at him because he would wake up having nightmares that I was cheating on him and he would grab me and tell me he loved me and misses me and that he was never going to leave me. So I assume he was feeling it and he could've had the cops hold his phone. So I think he got tired of living the double life but just didn't know how to cut the ties. He didn't want to hurt her either. But it bothered my because she knew what she was getting into, she had her eyes open and I was the one who was being betrayed so how dare he feel sorry for her. I wish I could've gone back to that day and really told her more, really told her what I think about her but I can't go back now. I just have to keep moving forward with my relationship.
I had no clue, then on vacation I have his cell and find text from her. I ask who she is, he lied I could tell he was not being honest. Finally admits it. Vaca sucked but had to be calm for the kids. She works with him. I try to call the day I found out but her cell off. Get home look up her number ends up being her parents. I ask them for hers, her dad asked why, I say to tell her to stop screwing around with my husband. He gives me the number. I call she not home so leave message on machine have to call 3x to get it all on tape. Also try cell again connected but only taking text messages. I finally look her up on FB. message her there again ( 6 months later) but not as myself. Then she shows up at a basketball game we are at. I make a scene but took my anger out on my husband not her. Wanted to but......, then today I hear of a car accident where she lives. Care is flipped over. All I could think is God I hope it is her. I know that sounds so evil but I can't help it! My husband got a call today from the office he is looking to transfer to, should be soon Thank God.
If i would have the chance to meet her,,i would laugh in her ugly face,,cause in the end she wasted her time,,sold her *** is what i say,,i realy would laugh,,and maybe doing me a favour for takeing out my piece of w hore,,not only did she make his life misserable,,so did i,,,stupid cheaters,,two can play the game now,,pay back is a ***** for those w hores
Last night my husband and I went out to eat. We went 1/2 hour away from where we live to our usual spot. We were waiting to be seated, I was chatting with another woman who was also waiting when my husband gets all upset saying Crap! OMG! No way! I ask him what is wrong and he looks like death warmed over. By now my mind is racing and I am looking all around to see what is happening, She was there! She walked in with her boy friend. My husband was so mad, he said why the hell did she come here what is she doing all the way out here. Hello, it is a public place duh! I thought it was kinda funny, I was and am so proud of myself. He asked if I wanted to leave I said no way. But then when they seated us I thought we were going to be seated near them, that would have been much but we just had to walk past them, You should have seen her face! I had a perfect view of her all evening, he could not see her from his seat. She was like a scared little puppy. Joe finally got over his nerves I think he thought I was gonna freak out like last time but it did not bother me except she looked really good and he said she was ugly and she was last time I saw her oh well it is amazing at what makeup will do!
I am sooooo proud of you. You are an example of courage and I would have done the very same thing..oh, maybe kick her a$$ right on the spot. What your husband did was dishonest, inexcusable and unexceptable! You handled yourself beautifully.
Now, for the damage repair. He no longer has a say...your in control, you both must go to marriage counselor to get down to all the issues in your marriage and your husband apparently had a need that was not met that has to be discussed. I think your marriage is salvageable and he did everything right for his wrong, now he has to man up and your the ball is in your court! ....I just have to say, ' I LOVE YOU!!!!! you are exceptional and I couldn't have done it any better...good for you!
Thanks Judy, I still have my moments. I have a friend who is a waiter at that restaurant and I am glad he was off b/c I would have asked him to accidentally on purpose spill something on her.
I do well for the most part but every once in a blue moon I will log onto my friends fb account and look her up ( blocked her from mine and my husbands) it depends on what profile pic she has up on how I feel. The new one she is absolutely beautiful but looks like she is advertising for s l u t s are us! I told myself I need to stop looking her up. 10 years ago I battle bulimia and I lost my twins during my pregnancy due to it. After the birth of my last son I had a complete hysterectomy and have gone from a size 6 to a 12. I am working on being healthy about weight loss. And this has set me back a bit. Had the urge to start back with the purging rabbit but spoke to my doc about it. Doing well. I know I need to be realistic. I am 5' 10 and at a size 6 I was very thin but i need to find that comfortable place. Does not help that she is in amazing shape just got an ugly face!
Let me tell you, my friend is gorgeous, I'm talking about awesome body and beautiful face and great personality. Well he cheated on her with a woman who looks like a man. Can't understand it and when Richie and I were talking about why my friend feels so insecure I told him that no matter how beautiful she is, by him doing what he did, it makes her feel like well if I'm all that, how come you needed someone else? They don't understand how we internalize the affair. How we can feel so unattractive about ourselves. But it's because they made us feel like we weren't good enough.
My husbands swears to me it was not a physical attraction ( whatever he is a man) He said it was that she was making him feel good by telling him what a great man he was and so on. But if she were a 300lb woman he would not have given her the time of day. I know he is just trying to make me feel better. I have seen her and some times she is attractive and other times not so much. I guess it depends but like I said before I struggled for years with body image so it does hurt. And to think he was almost 18 years her senior really made me mad. I do not know why men have to have their ego's built up. Because no matter how much we as their wives or girlfriends tell them how great they are it is never enough. Let another woman start complementing them and see what happens. Not saying they will cheat but they will be drawn to that attention.
Meanwhile I have may trainer at the gym call me and tell me that the other day while I was working the front desk for him he had to 20 something year old clients ask about me, who I was, if I was married and one even wanted my #. When He told them I was in my late 30's with 4 kids they did not believe him. So what does my husband do, first he laughs, then comes to the gym with me the next day. Give me a break. I am not him! To me it was ridicules! I am old enough to be their mom! Gross! I guess men and women are just wired differently!
Yeah same here, Richie was younger and she was showering him with attention. Richie is very insecure, even though I think he's good looking and he has an awesome body. He doesn't see it himself and is always striving for perfection, which doesn't exist. So he feeds off of the attention he gets from these girls. No matter how much I tell him how attractive he is, it's not enough. At my gym I had this trainer starring at me and I told Richie and he was so upset he wanted to go with me. I'm like, wait, if I get attention it's the end of the world but if he gets it, he's happy go lucky. Whatever!
Richie and Joe sound so much alike. Joe lost his parents at the age of 13 and had to move in with his older sister and her husband who's children were already grown and out of the house. They gave him a place to live but no love or attention. Very verbally abusive and he was pretty much their slave. ( Relationship soured after we married but recently started talking again with them) I really think that this has effected him. He needs to constantly be built up to the point where I am afraid to say anything negative because it may cause him to look else where. I mean you can not be positive 100% of the time. If he does something I think is not right I feel I should be able to nicely tell him but I am scared he will take it the wrong way. It is really no way to live.That is really the only issue I still have. The other day I did not like the way he was talking to our 14 year old son but did not know how to say hey, don't stoop to his level. When we finally were alone I said how I was nervous a bout saying anything to him about it he said not to be, he knew he was wrong. But he said that is what drew him to her in the first place. Oh well. Men! Joe does not have to much of a problem with me when it comes to other men b/c he said he knows I would never be able to bring myself to cheat. Kinda mad me mad b/c that is how I felt about him. I realized I had him up on a pedastool, while all my friends lived with the fear or talked about it happening I would always say no way not Joe and they would all agree with me. Boy was I naive!
I had Richie up on that pedastol as well, so I understand how you feel. I was also afraid of fighting with Richie because I feared he would use it as an excuse to run away but I got over that in time. I'm sure you will as well.
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