Infidelity User Group
I'm just wondering...
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For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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I'm just wondering...

My husband has been messing with porn for awhile, several years. I felt like he was cheating on me with the porn, looking at other women to "get off".  He wasn't making love to me.   I finally got tired of it.  I know it was wrong, but I had an affair.

Has anyone else had this happen to them?  
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9 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
Linda,

If your husband was not making love to you, I'd guess there are more significant problems than his use of porn.  That may be more of a symptom than a cause.  Plenty of guys use porn, whether in secret or with their partners knowledge or together with their partner, and still have a fulfilling sex life.  Porn usage can sometimes become an addiction, but even in those cases it doesn't necessarily mean they stop wanting to have proper sex.

If you had an affair, I'm hoping there's a better reason than the fact that he's using porn, or that you haven't been making love recently.  Again, this suggest some more serious problems in your marriage, a lack of intimacy, a lack of connection between you two, not feeling in love any more, lack of respect.  I don't know what it could be, but there are serious and deeper issues here I'd imagine.

Don't expect to get any sympathy for what you've done here, or for anyone to support or validate your choice to have an affair.  You've already said you know it was wrong, and we'd all agree with that.

What is the situation now?  Have you ended the affair?  Does your husband know about it?  Are you trying to rebuild your marriage?  Where are you now, where do you want to get to, and what are you doing to try and get there?
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I agree with Sammy.  There is no excuse to infidelity.  If you are so unhappy you should either try to work with your husband on the issues or leave.  If you elaborate more about what you are looking for from posting here, then maybe we can give you some answers.  Like Sammy said, you're not going to get validation here.  People make mistakes and then realize what they have done and wish to repair their relationship.  I'm not sure if that's what you are looking to do.  But we can offer some suggestions.  
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As Sammy has stated you will not get any support  or swapping of reasons about sleeping with someone on this forum,

We support each other when we have been cheated on and the pain and hurt that we go through when it has happened.

I would suggest both of you get help if you want to keep your relationship going... because there does not seem to be  much of a marriage  at the moment.
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Avatar_f_tn
ditto, sammy73 - ditto, mami1323 and ditto seeana!!
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Avatar_m_tn
OK, having been the first to say that we will not offer support or validation for Linda's decision to have an affair, she has come here for help and we should respect that.  If she genuinely regrets the affair and wants to work on rebuilding her marriage, getting to the roots of the problems that they have and fixing it, then that deserves our support and help.
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1388999_tn?1370046414
Thats what we did do sammy  ! mami stated we would offer suggestions if she wanted to make her marriage work and I suggested both her and her husband get help if they want to make their relationship work and Tink  agreed.

I must point out that linda has not asked for any help or support as yet...just a question which none of us could answer.What more could we do in the circumstances ??
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey Linda,

I am a male poster here, one of a very select few.  I too had an affair.  It was the worst decision of my life!!!!  It is completely inexcusable and the ladies above arent going to be too sympathetic if that's what your looking for.  

On the flip side of the coin, all of these ladies are full of good advice and are pretty willing to give their perspective of an affair, after an affair, repairing the marriage, or even moving on.  Only you and your husband can decide which is right for you.

I would have to agree with anyone above who said that porn probably isnt at the root of the infidelity.  A little therapy goes a long way.  I'd suggest some, especially if you plan to repair the marriage.
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Avatar_f_tn
I was wrong in going into the adulterous relationship, which I do regret.  I think I went into it because we had not been intimate in any way, shape, or form for awhile.  He was, still is, still obsessed with the porn.  I've told him that he doesn't need it because I'm here if he really wants to see a nude woman.  It's frustrating that he doesn't want to work with me.  I really don't want to leave him.  I've encouraged him to get help.  You know, 12-step meetings and the like.  We've even gone to counseling.  Our insurance won't cover counseling anymore.  I'm at my wit's end.  
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Avatar_m_tn
OK, so you are now at a stage where you want to work on your marriage and re-build what you had, but it sounds like your husband is not so interested in working on it.  What was his attitude, particularly during counselling?  Denying there is a problem?  Accepting there is a problem but blaming it on you?  Accepting there is a problem but not willing to work on it?

Have you told your husband (or has he found out) about your affair?  If so, how did he react?  How long ago did you tell him, and is he still angry/upset/resentful/whatever?

Again I'll say, if you are focussing on the porn as the principle cause of your problems, you are probably looking in the wrong place; if you are looking in the wrong place then you won't find the answers.  If you were in a truly loving, caring, mutually supportive relationship then you'd be able to find a solution to the porn issue, because you'd care enough about each other to try to listen and understand the other's point of view and come to some arrangement.

Did you feel like the counselling was helping at all, or did you not get to do it long enough to get a sense of whether it was working?  Was your husband a willing participant, or was he there reluctantly?  I don't know about the US, but in the UK there are charities (such as Relate) that provide counselling for free or reduced cost for those that may have trouble affording full price, although there is a bit of a waiting list.
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