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Is this normal?
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For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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Is this normal?

There are days when I really am angry with my husband and I hate him. I know that we agreed to move passed this. I am not saying that I can't .  It is just that there are days that I really just think about something he did or said. I just feel really depressed.

I have dated men who are more handsome, rich,and even have been complete a$$es.But even with the worst of them, they never treated me the way he did.

I wouldn't be upset it he were just "helping" this skank. But he placed them above me. He actually told me not to hurt (he thought I was going to call  and hurt her feelings) this girl and if I did she and her mother would know how to deal with me. "ME"  the one who was willing to rent the b***********h and apartment in the beginning because I BELIEVED she was really hurt. Or me the one who takes care of everything  and everybody. There are times when I feel like a fool.

With the ranting paragraph above aside, I realize that I said I will try to move past this.  It just hurts sometimes. Yes, my husband at times seems regretful of his actions. He is trying  but it hurts still.  I am trying not to be scandalous.

IS  it normal to experience these feelings through such a process?

Also, to top it off the barista at my favorite coffee house was rude to me. So, now I have to complain, and I refuse to go back until I speak to "er" manager on Monday. So no specialty coffee for me today  unless I go somewhere else  : (
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15 Comments
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh yes, Passion.  It is very normal.  It is up and down.  I think you are going to have to plan ahead for the moments when anger overcomes you.  Think of things you can do to distract yourself.  Think of some other outlets. Do you like art?  Art therapy is wonderful and a way to express the feelings inside.  If you like to exercise------------  a hardy work out would be good at those times in which you are angry.  Get a kickboxing bag or boxing bag and with every kick or punch-------- think "RELAX", "RELEASE", ETC.    and mentally talk yourself through letting it out of you.  Probably sounds kooky but visualization can really help and then adding the kicking or punching------- it is a multi sensory way to work through the anger and stress.  And maybe a cue for your husband.  "hey, I'm having a day in which I feel bad about what happened again.  I'm going to work through it and I forgive you but I just wanted you to know I"m having a bad day.  "  I just say that because part of getting over anger is not stuffing it inside and ignoring it but to turn it into something else.  And frankly, distraction really helps.  It is the adult version of "redirect"!  Go to a movie if you have anger on the brain.  (not one about infidelity!@!!!  LOL)  

Okay, sorry about the coffee!  
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Avatar_f_tn
So normal. I am having one of those days today. He did something he knows makes me mad ( nothing to do with our past situation more like money) and I am so angry that I want to rant at him but I know it will not make it better just worse. ( he spent money on stupid stuff, knowing things are tight right now and now we are short on making payments) any way, once I get mad then all the hurt from the past situation tries to come up but I think that is because I want to be mad at him so I am really looking for justification. Any way as soon as I get off this I am going to take some Tylenolpm ( I know it is only 2:30 but my head is pounding and if I can sleep then we can not fight)and go take a very very long nap. Rented a dvd for the little one and he is going to come lie down with me so I do not have to worry about him.
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Avatar_f_tn
On top of my doubts, my husband suffers from Hypertension. He has to quit smoking. So EVERY little thing-He blames me for making him smoke.  No matter what- yesterday I said, " it  bothers me when you always attempt to leave me at home or when you ditch me in the store. And now you want me to just "go" while you put our things we bought  away( we went shopping). Why would I not want to participate in our life".  He was really nasty last night after I said this to him.

I did not speak to him this morning. Partially because I am upset with him, and just because he is not really a morning person and is trying to quit smoking. But I guarantee he won't even say good bye.

HE lost his health killing  himself saving some country trollop and lying.

Oh, yeah it is my birthday is coming up and he says I shouldn't take the day off because he so busy and can't take the day off. Well who asked him; it is really my business. I have worked in jobs where I have had less flexibility and some how we managed to celebrate my Birthday.

Our life ***** sometimes. I really don't know if I will be able to stay. I am just here trying to give a person who needs me  and who I love a chance. But...

HOw can I live with this person and not express any anger or emotion "so he doesn't get upset?

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Avatar_f_tn
It is simply not fair- He created this problem-not me.  
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1306053_tn?1323957610
OH boy, Passion Flower!  I have been where you are for so long.  I am working through it, though - and am really struggling not to go there again, just from reading your post.  Brice has been trying so hard, too, and even when I'm mean to him, he comes in and says goodbye and kisses me before he leaves the house.  

We've been through this conversation before, but PF, you have to forgive.  Not just with words, you have to start to feel it.  Do something special for him now and then, write him a letter or an eMail and tell him how much you want to work through this.  It is really hard to forget, and the thoughts just flood back over and over!  I know, eventually - I believe you will be able to put them away.  I am not confident that I will not "relapse" and fall back into my attack mode with Brice, but I can say I am feeling more stable, and can see things more logically.  

Are you in therapy, PF?  I really think it is helping us.  We've both benefited from it.  (Don't know how we're ever going to pay for it, but we're worth it.)  There are also a ton of good books to help with this.  I couldn't read another "relationship" book, so I just finished The Ultimate Happiness Prescription by Deepak Chopra.  Brice has also read a Chopra book, as we have realized that if we can each find peace individually, it will help us find peace together.  (Brice is kind of a redneck, so it's funny to see him reading a Deepak Chopra book *LOL*)

As far as your birthday goes, Take the Day Off!  Schedule a mani/pedi or a massage and have a latte!  (BTW, skipping your latte isn't hurting that Barista, just you - Do what you gotta do for YOURSELF!)

People said this to me over and over in the beginning and after 4 months, I'm getting it:  YOu have to take care of yourself first.  Rebuild your self esteem and self worth.  I'm nowhere near being finished with this process, and it is hard as hell - but taking the focus off of the affair and putting it on ME has helped.  

Good luck Passion Flower! You can do this!  
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973741_tn?1342346373
Ugh, don't shoot me for saying this.  Some of what you talk about Passion is also just the ups and downs of marriage.  Ya know? Marriage is hard and our partner has the ability to make us feel like million bucks or like a zero because they know us so well.  When you live under one roof with someone, they can drive you nuts at times.  My husband has not cheated on me but I also find myself feeling so mad at him sometimes that I doubt everything.  So, realize that this will always happen and it is not necessarily a set back but part of being a couple.  Then finding ways to work on it and release it and solve problems together is important.

The problem that I think I am picking up on Passion is that your husband would be this way whether this unfortunate occurance happpened or not.  He wouldn't want to hear you being ticked at him regardless and his response to things is to dig in.  Now you may be madder now and things are coming out much more frequently, but his response to it all would have been the same. Your husband isn't big on accepting blame for anything.

Next time he gives you the song and dance of smoking due to you------------ you let him know that this is HIS choice.  He chooses to smoke and it has nothing to do with anyone else.  To be accountable for his own choices.  That you will NOT take the blame for that as it is HIS problem.  And mean it because it is true.

Now I've made no bones about the fact that I'd like to get your husband in a room and beat him some sense in him (not really . . . more of a special mom verbal beating)-----  but I think he is quite stubborn and was probably this way long before any of this.  Could be wrong because I don't know the man------------ .  But when you write of him even I get mad at him.  

Some relationships require more work than others.  Some have bad things happen and recover over time.  But they are still take a lot of work.  

Rambling . . . sorry.  
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How can you get over this when he is being such an A....hole sorry but that is how he is acting.The difference between him and Brice is Brice wants his marriage to work and is trying with all his heart and true regret is there.

You cannot  even begin to heal with him being like this.Ok he is giving up smoking poor diddums he needs to grow up.

Here am I being quite ruthless WHY......because he is not making an effort! he is the cheater, what does he want out of life? does he want to stay married ?
He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions and until he can, neither of you can move on.He needs to grow up.

Tell you what ...be really nice and see what happens see how he responds to you....
If he just goes on his grumpy old way whats the point of trying.It will destroy you in the end.
I am all for forgiving and forgetting but in cases like this does he really want to try ????
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Avatar_f_tn
Dear Passion,

I don't know Your story but I hear Your Pain and about that I simply want to say:

Feeling is Healing

beyond saying that I struggle to keep my thoughts to myself about what You are going through here.

Sincerely,
Tink
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145992_tn?1341348674
When Richie and I were trying to get passed all those bad feelings it was really hard when he was being a jerk.  He wanted me over the affair and I wasn't ready to let it go.  So he got frustrated and stopped trying to make me feel better.  Which made me furious because I thought he should be jumping through fire filled hoops to make things right.  We almost took a break because it got so bad.  You can't get over the pain when someone isn't treating you well.  How we got passed it was we regrouped and I started being nice and in return he did it as well.  Just like seeana said above.  At some point though you have to worry about yourself and getting well in your own mind.  The rest will follow, whether it's him being kind and making it work or you deciding if you really want him in your life.
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Avatar_f_tn
You need a vacation or at least a girls weekend! something to take you mind off him and have some fun, What about doing something with friends for your birthday? It doesn't have to cost a lot of money is an issue. Think about it, Let him see that you can have fun with or without him.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hm.  I almost think that you need to spend some "fun" time with HIM.  I really think you need to find some opportunities to enjoy each other again.  I'd think of one of your no brainer things that you like to do together and set it up.  I do think it is really good to have friends but when we get into "showing him" and such, then we really aren't moving the relationship past anything.  We are kind of giving into the issue.  

Sometimes when I'm really mad at my husband-----------  it takes that moment of shared laughter over something we both think is funny to remind me why I love him.  Sometimes a date in which I say to myself -----------  "no heavy stuff.  Just go and have fun" reminds me of the man that I saw a little more often before.  

So I would work on your friends and support structure and plan some you only things------- but I think you need some reconnection things to be happening with your husband as well if your intent is to work this out.  good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
What I can tell you about this situation is, there is no normal.  Although you will find that there are many similarities between your situation and the others here, yours is different because it happened to you, and you may or may not be at a different stage of repair/recovery or even moving on.

What I think is important about this board and others like it is, read the posts with an open mind, discover the similarities between your situation and others, take from them what you can and use it to your advantage.  Some of the information may not be applicable, and some not applicable yet.  It really is difficult to discern what is and is not applicable sometimes, but read it all.  It may be of use to you later in the process.

I've heard it said here and in therapy that there is the old you (singularly or as a couple) and the new you.  The new you is going to be different considering the circumstances in which you became the "new" you.  But the "new" you can and often is a better you.  You learn alot about yourself and your partner through the healing process.  You will find your shortcomings, and will learn how to better address them.  Your partner, if you have the same goal in mind will be able to do this too.  Learning what else is wrong with the relationship or even us as people can be real enlightening, and learning the skills to deal with these issues will enable us to become better people.

PF....the thing of it is, if both of you have the same goal in mind, you are primarily on the same path.  Now comes the work, and there will be a lot of it.  Lots of learning, lots of listening, lots of talking, lots of arguing, lots of crying, bits of anger, bits of sorrow and even more learning.  The entire dynamics of the relationship have changed.  Bonds, vows, promises have all been broken and it will take time to allow yourself to heal and recover.  Sometimes recovery isnt an option.  The good news is, there are numerous recoveries going on right in front of us on this thread, and there are people learing the things we will need to learn in order to go on.  

Regardless of repairing the relationship or moving on, what you can learn here and in therapy can also help you down the line with other decisions.  In the end, you'll be more knowledgable and more sure of who you are.  

I wish you good luck and happy learning.  Some days will be far better than others, and some not so much.  The good comes with the bad sometimes and vice-versa.  Allow yourself time to process whats happening because nobody gets through this in a day.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi everyone,

Well thank you.  It is all very helpful.

My B-day went well. I got cards, chocolates, and flowers from my husband.He behaved very nice.  What more can I ask for right? Not sure how to answer.  I will just take it day by day.

It is strange but, he seems almost regretful at times.  I don't think he understands why I am sad or depressed sometimes. I don't think he believes I am really depressed. But yet when the things he has done come up, he doesn't want to talk about it. He wants to just forget or move past it- like he is ashamed or embarrassed. He brushes it off. I don't want to think it is just because he is being a jerk.

I trusted with my whole heart before. Now, there is not much of my heart left.

PassionFlower09

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Avatar_f_tn
He probably is ashamed. I know that is how Joe felt. Like I have said before. I had to learn to work on me. I could not make him feel what I wanted him to feel. He is not me. We express things differently. I am in a much better place now that I am more concerned about controlling my emotions then I am about controlling him!

Glad you had a good Birthday. Happy belated Birthday to you!
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey PF,

Glad you had a nice birthday.  It's kind of nice to find a break anywhere you can while going through this stuff, and really it is what you need.

What lovemykids465 says above, "I could not make him feel what I wanted him to feel" has a lot of gravity behind it.  Dee Dee wanted me to feel a certain way, but I was feeling something completely different and I believe that lead to a bit of frustration. (Hopefully if I am wrong about this, she will come explain it better)  I was having an emotional nightmare of my own, but it completely different from hers.

And by no means am I comparing how she felt and how I felt.  They are incomparable.  The heart of emotions is completely different.  While Dee Dee was dealing with every emotion under the sun except for remorse which was the main emotion I was feeling.

Take each day, one at a time.  It really is a moment by moment healing process.  Think of the future, deal with whats happening now, and move beyond the past.

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