Infidelity User Group
Leave or Work things out?
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For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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Leave or Work things out?

Last night around 9pm i get a call from my little sister, she was whispering, which made me mad at first lol, but then i realized she was crying and trying not to be loud. She was sitting in her closet crying trying to catch her breath...when she calmed down a bit she told me that she went to get on the laptop when she saw that skype was up. Her husband said he was showing his mom how to use it to talk her friends back home (his mom is visting) she said ok, but then noticed there was another conversation so she clicked it and it was some girl her husband went to school with, she read a little bit of it and it seemed friendly and as she was about to exit off it she saw...

Husband: "are you dressed?"
Girl: Lol Why?
Husband: Cause id hate to call you while ur naked...even tho i wouldnt mind seeing that...hahaha lol hahaha

She said she looked at him, shut the laptop and went upstairs to call me.  I told her that he had no right to say things like that to other women! She said he tried to tell her the girl is a lesbian and that it was a joke! LIKE ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME!? Man i felt so bad, she cried and cried and cried...to make things worse, she is 7 months pregnant! He kept telling her he loves her and it was a joke, but honestly why joke about something like that? Any feed back on some advice here? Shes over at my parents house, she packed some things and left while everyone was sleeping i met her over there and she was all puffy from crying and now running a fever. I feel so bad and so hurt for her. What would you do in a situation like this?
8 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
HeatherLynB, I can tell you this and I speak from experience.  I was the one in my marriage who committed adultery.  The woman I became involved with is a person from my past and the relationship started off innocently enough.  For a few weeks or so we spent time on a social networking site catching up, and then it started happening.

Anyhow the thing evolved into an online/emotional affair and then we met for a physical affair.  Nothing good came from this...nothing.  Infact, everything wrong in my life now is because of this, and it was of my own doing.  I've been told by a therapist that I "couldnt stop" but I dont think I believe it.  I could have stopped but didnt, and this is what you get when you do this type of thing.

There are too many regrets to mention.  What hurts me most about this is the hurt I imposed upon my wife.  I love her with all my heart, and I go and break my marraige vows, I destroy her trust, self confidence and any number of other things....just pitiful.  

WE are trying to work it out, and we are making tremendous progress.  Both of us are working on our personal issues, and of course the recovery/repair of our marriage.  With that being said, I can tell you that regardless of the avenue your sister goes down, it is a long road infront of her.  There is so much work and so much committment involved, perhaps even more than the comittment made at the start of their relationship.

The truth is, not every marriage is swalvageable.  That would depend on the damage done, and if there was a thought that there could be any reconciliation.  

I feel for your sister, and she needs all of the help she can get right now, especially being pregnant on top of this.  Support her with all youve got.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you Brice for sharing. She told me she still loves him, but this is not the first time he has done something behind her back. He continually got in contact with an ex and even got back together with her while my sister was pregnant...she ended up miscarrying at 11 weeks from all the stress. They managed to work things out, shes pregnant again and they got married last month and now he goes and does this. She is shattered. She said she can only handle so much and she isnt sure of love is enough to keep them together. I dont know what to say to her all i know is how to be there for her. I will support her through anything...i hope you and your wife have some smooth sailing ahead :)
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Sorry Brice lol, i went to lunch with Heather sister today so i thought i would share what she shared with me! Hope you dont mind Heather :)
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ELLE MY BELLE! Thank you for that! I could not get time off to pick her up. She needs all our support! Was mom there when you went to the house? My pregnant mamas! I am so glad she had you there to talk to! A ea li papa? O ai lo igoa! Alofa aku.
Please call my work number, i need to talk to you! I wrote you on here, but ur muli never wrote me back lol.

BRICE: Yes, thank you for sharing! And yes she did miscarry but not only from stress it was also from depression. He put her through alot, but in the end she stayed because she loves him so much. But this is the first time she has ever packed up to leave. I wish you the best of luck with your marriage!
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks for the well wishes Ha YnSweetie.  Knowing that this guy has done this 2 times now is real discouraging.  One time is inexcusable.... but 2 times of ruining her trust and everything else???  Man!

Unbelieveable..... This is a decision that only she can make, and I completely understand any reluctance of running back to this guy.  If I were her, I would put the relationship on the very back burner and put all effort and strength into the pregnancy.  That is of the most importance right now...the health of momma and baby.  Anything after that is secondary.
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Avatar_f_tn
Just want to let you know what a great addition you have  been to this group!  You are always so encouraging!  I'm glad things are going well for you and Dee Dee ( she is great! You have both been such an encouragement to me).

HeatherlynB, you sister is so lucky to have you and HaynSweetie, both of you are really going to have to be there for her. I agree with Brice, She should not been in such a rush to get back with him ( I am not saying end it, that is really hard to do when you really love someone and everyone can make mistakes a time or two) but she has this little angle to worry about right now and that is what is most important! Maybe this is the wake up call he needs.
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The good thing is that your little sister has so much support around her.That is so important ...never waiver she will need you all as never before.

Guide her gently and leave the final decision up to her never make it for her, that way none of you can get the blame if the relationship breaks down completely.

My daughter got badly hurt in a horse race which ended her career as a top Jockey and left her disabled.She became pregnant 12 months later and 7months into her pregnancy her husband had an affair and left her.
His family then proceeded to try and take her daughter off her in the family court, after  yrs of much fighting she won full custody.

The aftermath of this caused my ex to have a stroke then to leave us !! and at the end of all of this he got a brain tumour and died.My daughter and myself will never be the same
after that most painful experience.

I remember my ex calling me weak because I would not let it become a Vendetta  with my son in laws family could not let that happen, my ex became consumed with hate   it became too much so he walked out  on us
and it subsequently killed
him in the end.

I am still here and slowly getting stronger again.
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Avatar_f_tn
I  can tell you from experience that if he isn't having a physical affair, it's definitely an emotional one.  I've been in both and neither of them had a good turn out.  It was uncomfortable for me.  I kept trying to find ways of not letting my husband find out.  He did find out about the physical one because I told him.  It almost ended our marriage.  

Maybe think about counseling, if not for both of you, at least for yourself.
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