Infidelity User Group
Lying, Cheating, Rationalizing, hurting those around me
About This Group:

For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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Lying, Cheating, Rationalizing, hurting those around me

I am a 31 year old woman.  I have been married for 3 years to a wonderful man whom I've known for well over 15 years, we have a beautiful 19 month old daughter.  I have been dealing with anxiety in social situations since I was a young child.  When I was about 13 depression also came on board.  I never had many friends, I was always quite shy and introverted.  When I was 24 I went away to college about 500km from home.  As soon as I was on my own and didn't have to answer to anyone I started being reckless.  I slept with the first guy that showed me any kind of friendship or kindness.  I then slept with my neighbor across the hall, and started a relationship with him, all the while dating my future husband - I confessed to cheating on him and broke up with him.  After a tumutuous relationship with my new boyfriend we finally broke up after six months.  I feared being alone and asked my future husband if he would consider getting back together - he agreed.  In my second year of college I moved in with a group of male friends.  Once again being on my own my old habits of flirting, one night stands, and partying returned.  I was always left disappointed in myself, I felt used, dirty and worthless - and also extremely lonely.  This time I did not confess to my boyfriend of my cheating lifestyle - I loved him so much but I couldn't deal with being alone.  So after I finished college we moved in together and resumed a monogamous relationship.  We eventually got married and here we are.  In my early 20s I did accept help for my anxiety and depression from my family doctor and was put on antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs which seemed to keep me happy and able to function in my jobs and relationships.  Well one night a couple years ago we had our good friends over who are married and became good friends of ours.  They propositioned us with swapping spouses.  At first I was extremely upset and scared that of course my husband would leave me if I acted on this temptation.  We talked it over and my husband seemed intrigued and we went ahead and did it.  So every so often when we saw them we would also engage in this behavior.  Me and the other husband then decided if it was ok for us to have sex during these occasions then why wouldn't it be ok if we also did it outside of those times.  I lied to him and said that my husband was ok with it.  So we started meeting about once or twice a week at our house for these sexual encounters.  I always made sure my daughter was still asleep in bed or down for a nap.  This went on for some time but the guilt started to set in and we both knew what we were doing was wrong.  I took it upon myself to tell his wife what was going on, and I also confessed to my husband.  Of course they both were very upset that we had betrayed their trust and our marriages started to fall apart.  She threatened divorce and my husband said he could never trust me again - our marriage is on the verge of collapse.  We want to stay together for the sake of our daughter and we do love each other very much.  I also kept some secrets to myself, I had also been in contact with an old highschool friend - we got on to the subject of sex and he revealed to me how unhappy and lonely he was.  I wanted to help him out and one day we met and did have sex - but never again.  I also was frequenting sexual match websites and met a man there for a date and we had sex at that time - we never saw eachother after that either.  I feel so terrible, so out of control, so dishonest.  I want to hold my marriage together, I have given up on my other sexual goings on and have committed myself to my husband.  He has the password to my cell phone records, my email password, and my social account password.  I want to mend what I have broken, and I want to have a happy marriage and a happy life.  I don't know why I gave in to temptation so easily, how I rationalized what I was doing was just a minor misgiving, and I really wasn't doing anything wrong.  How can I change for good, and how can I repair my trust in myself and in my husbands eyes?
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13 Comments
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1388999_tn?1370046414
I understand what you went through as a child as I was the same it made it worse that I was an only child.
From the age of sixteen to eighteen I was pretty wild and had a lot of fun.But then met my  future husband... I never looked at anyone else ever and was true for nearly fourty years.Its called growing up.

Marrage ended when he cheated on me.

We have choices in life !!!  it seems you cannot remain faithful and you do not want to.
Why... I have no idea ......I really feel sorry for your husband.

Ok how can you change for good........ well  only one person can answer that and you know who.
Looking into the future I see you being on your own,your husband leaving you ,your daughter ashamed of how you are ....you risk even losing her ! have you you ever consided that???.

For you to inform the wife of one of your affairs shows me that you also want to cause as much hurt as you can .......cannot believe this.....If this is true! the only reason you have come on this site is to try to get us to say its ok at  what you are doing and to give advice on how to stop your behavour will make it somehow not your fault.

Well it is your fault  and its not alright , if your care about anyone other than your own attention seeking needs there is only one thing to do.Desist, cease, stop it.
.These men do not sleep with you because you are beautiful and sexy they sleep with you because you are an easy lay.
I suggest you go back over this forum and read the hell that some of these ladies and gentlemen have gone through.This is the outcome  that woman  and men like you  can cause  and have caused if telling that other lady is anything to go by.That alone should be enough to change you for good and to gain the trust back !! its simple dont do it.That way you might learn what Respect means.

I still cant believe this.......
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Avatar_f_tn
Ditto, seeana !!
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THANK YOU!!!!  I could not even respond to this! I was so mad. All I can say Is SEXUAL ADDICTION. She needs to get some serious help.

To Liliana, I do feel bad for you, why IDK, it is woman like you who played a part in almost destroying my marriage. You seem to have a self destructive nature but what about that beautiful child. She did not ask for this.
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Avatar_f_tn
As you can see in my previous post I did not feel sorry for your husband. He is just as unfaithful as you. To suggest you add another couple in your relationship is sick. I suspect you already had an addiction and were trying to fight it  and that situation ( swapping) relapsed you.  I think you both need to get help and I am not to sure you are really right for one another.
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1388999_tn?1370046414
I think that for her husband to come out of the blue to suggest this is not believable.
Either he went along with it to keep his wife knowing how she is.Or its not true as she does not want him to find out that things have gone further.
Also saying her husband is very upset does not ring true if he also did it.... see passwords ect.

Makes her sound better doesn't it ??

Her husband should take their daughter and start running now.But of course that wont happen! it cant, whats that saying........ oh yes in the best interest of the Child.

Ridiculous in some contexts.

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Avatar_m_tn
Liliana_Kenzie,

I too was the cheater in my marriage, and I am not going to judge you in this forum.  I know what I did was wrong, foolish, selfish and every other "ish" you can think of.  What I did was all about me, and that is way wrong when youre married with children.  When you are married with children, being of a selfish nature is not even an option.  Unfortunately, it took me doing this to come to this realization.

My marriage and family are all that is important to me, and I dared to risk it all.  This was the dumbest decision I have ever made.  The hurt I caused is/was unfathomable!!!!  Although the hurt was not intentional, it certainly was a by product of what I did and its arms reach far and wide.  This event changed my wifes life, life expectations and self image.  At this point in time, there's no telling what it's done to my children.

I am fortunate enough to have a second chance at my marriage, and I guarantee you that I am doing and will continue to do everything in order to save my marriage.  There are no secrets, nothings hidden and there cant be.  Honestly, I am fine with that and thats the way it should have been all along.  I personally cheated one time and the guilt of doing it was killing me slowly....still is for that matter.  I dont know how this isnt killing you!!!  Worse than that, its repetitive.  You know its counter productive and hurtful, and yet continue to do it.  I am no saint by any stretch of the imagination, but I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore.  I dont know "me" anymore, but am rebuilding my relationship with myself in order to keep my marriage.  

I would suggest a bunch of therapy for not only you, but for your husband as well.  Although your daughter is very young, I am sure there is an impact on her as well and dont know in which direction to point you for help there....but staying together for the sake of the child is a poor decision considering all that you have put them and you through.  

I have put my family through the wringer, something no husband, father, or man for that matter should ever have done.  I regret my actions my than words can say.  This is something that will never go away completely.... never.

My wife has allowed me to stay in her life, and that is something I will never take for granted again.  It is a gift, and she could have chosen anyone to give that to, but she chose me.  I am a lucky man, only because she chose me twice.  The amount of work that my wife has done, the amount of grief, the amount of hurt is all incredible and it truly speaks volumes of the type of woman my wife is.  The amount of therapy that she and I have gone through speaks volumes for the love that we shared and still do share, and I'll continue with therapy till the end of time if necessary.

I was a fool for jeopardizing all of that!!!  It will NEVER happen again.
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Brice.... I think you have paid the price of infidelity and some.You realised the impact it has caused to your family.
Now is the time for recriminations and guilt to stop ....you must move on with your lives it is gone, past,kapoot.

Forgive yourself and treasure the love of your family that is the best you can do for your children ....because if you both can do that ! the damage done to them will be minimal.
One thing about about children is they are very resilient so the sooner you get on with your lives the better.

In fact because you have come through the other side of this you really know what is important in your relationship and it will hold you all in good stead for the rest of your lives.That is the positive that has come out of all of this.Who knows you could have drifted apart in the future.
Not the best way to find out but its done and dusted,you must love yourself again.... and only then can you expect others to love you .

Just  be thankful  that  the sun still comes up and you are   all healthy.

The respect you have lost from your family will return sooner than you think! just give all the love and support you can,protect and care for them, what more can anyone ask .

  
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with everything that everyone has said here.  I am committed to stopping my impulsive, dishonest, unfaithful behavior.  I am a good person, I just need to realize that I am deserving of a real solid relationship and all the love that is already there waiting for me.  Thank you for your feedback, and yes I am considering seeing a therapist.  I just need an ear to listen and a place to put my feelings.
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Ok I will get off your back.We are different here in Aus not many of us go to therapists or councillors, we seem to have our  own support to see it through or like me just deal with it.
The experience has made me strong in a way, also very cynical I never got time to grieve as I was too busy dealing with the hurt from my disabled daughter and had to cop all the anger and pain she had.
I am getting on with my life now she has found a wonderful guy.I am also very lucky as I have a real sweet guy too.That's all I need.....you must get back the respect you need to get on with your life.

If you cant do that I hate to think where you will be in 10 yrs time.It seems like you need to talk, but do not expect any sympathy on here as you could cause quite a bit of grief....   it will be hard for these ladies to accept you because you stand for everything that has caused them so much pain in the past.You will become that other woman in their eyes....... I hope you understand that and be ready for the consequences.
If you want to post on here please consider their feelings as I will now consider yours.

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Avatar_f_tn
I will be ready to accept whatever consequences that come my way.  And of course I will respect everyone's feelings.  My heart is so full of pain and this is the only place where I can put those feelings.  If anything I hope that someone reads this and doesn't make the mistakes I have.  I am a bad person, I have lied for the better part of my life, and I've been unable to come to terms with myself.  I don't deserve anything from this world.  I only stuck it out this long because I didn't want to ruin the lives of those that love me by not being alive.  That is the only reason I exist.
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145992_tn?1341348674
You have a sexual addiction.  You need to get help for this.  This will be a long tough road but the first thing to do is get the help.  If you can show your husband that you are attempting to get healthy perhaps he can give you a chance.  But I do believe having a swinger lifestyle in your marriage is not going to help you.  I do believe you know how bad your actions were, I do believe you feel remorse, I also think sex is a compulsion for you and you need to work on that.  Good luck.
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I am going to go see a psychologist tomorrow, this is the first step...
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1388999_tn?1370046414
Hi Lili how are you going with your therapy.I have been keeping an eye on you (hope you don't mind) and you are genuine I know.
Please .....if you need any support  at all come on over.

You are looking for and going to get back the respect that you once had in yourself if you can see this through.Never look back only to the future.Put that need you have into your marriage, the excitement into your child's world as she discovers things for the first time.
      Know that you can bring so much happiness into your little family's lives,to get love you have to earn it, just watch the difference to them when you achieve that ! You are making the most two important people in your life really happy and in turn yourself.

In my opinion nothing can top that.....Just look forward never back.
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