Infidelity User Group
MISTAKE
About This Group:

For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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MISTAKE

I would really like opinions,on why cheaters call an affair a mistake?i believe its a choice that one makes,,but would like your opinions on why it is said to us when they get caught
24 Comments
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145992_tn?1341348674
What else would they call it?  That is the only excuse they can come up with.  I think at the time when they get caught they perhaps feel like the affair wasn't worth losing what they have and therefore classify it as a mistake.  In my opinion a mistake is a one time thing.  They got so drunk and slept with some hussie from the bar and even though that to was a choice, I think if it was a one time deal and they realized what they did and confessed and said it was a huge mistake, than I could say ok, you're right, that's a mistake.  A continuous long term affair is not a mistake.  It was a decision that has immense consequences.  I just think they don't know what else to say to explain themselves and their behavior.
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1125172_tn?1259875215
Because they got busted.
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes that was my thoughts exactley,,number 1,,they got busted,,and yes its the only excuse they can come up with,,i was just curious though what others opinions were,,thanks
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1125172_tn?1259875215
Lor,

Are you having a tough time again?
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Avatar_m_tn
Something you didn't choose to do (or were so out of it your judgement was impaired) could be described as an accident.

To be fair, I think anything you choose to do but later wish you hadn't could be called a mistake, however long it went on and however long it takes for them to realise.  If (for example) someone studied for 4 years at university on a course that turned out to be no use to them, you could legitimately describe that as a mistake.

Not that I'm showing any sympathy for the cheater here, just arguing the linguistic semantics!

Now if the cheater had said "I didn't mean to", that would be an arguement I'd have more difficulty accepting.

And if they meant it was a "mistake" being careless enough to get caught (rather than a mistake embarking on the whole affair in the first case), that earns no sympathy!
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145992_tn?1341348674
I think that's why we say are you sorry because you cheated or sorry because you got caught.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hello,  I'm new to the group and want all to know that I'm sorry for anyone that has had infidelity touch their lives.  It hurts, no doubt.

I think that saying something is a mistake is honest.  Everything we do is a choice and some of those choices we regret.  While someone chooses to be unfaithful, they can do so and regret it.  They may say it just because they are caught and want to hang onto the person.  But remember, an awful lot of people just leave when caught and don't choose (there is that word again) to ask for forgiveness.  So, situation by situation it is hard to say why someone uses those words.  But if someone is staying with you and trying to work on the relationship, they are being honest.  They made a mistake.  

Last thought, some mistakes are bigger than others.  And even though someone regrets the decision they made----  that does not mean you have to stay with them.  But if you are trying to----  you must believe that THEY believe they made a mistake.  
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145992_tn?1341348674
Thanks for joining specialmom, that was another way to view that.  I never thought of it that way.
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360318_tn?1340396963
Hello, to answer your question, cheating is a mistake.  I kissed someone else and I only did it once, and I still feel terrible for it, and its been seven years.  I kept it from my boyfriend for 4 years, and every day its really hard for him to even believe what I am saying.  I hate myself for what I did.  If I could, I would take it all back and not do it.  It was a spontaneous action of stupidity, and I never intended to hurt my boyfriend. It had nothing to do with him.  I was just a total idiot, and I would and have never done it again.  I took the person's number out of my phone.  They quit working with me, so I didn't have to switch jobs, although that person came in to eat a couple of times, but I tried not to even speak to them.  I wanted so much to tell my boyfriend what had happened, but I couldn't bare hurting him for some dumb mistake.  But eventually, the guilt was making me sick, mentally and physically and I had to tell him.  Its been rough, but I am trying everyday to work it out with him, and myself.  I am very thankful he has given me this chance to stay with him.  So I guess I just wanted to say that I call it a mistake, not because I got caught (because I told on myself), but because it was something that was an awful thing to do to someone you love, and I would NEVER do that again.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Mami, I can tell you why I call my affair a mistake.  I was not looking for anything, there was nothing wrong with my marriage, and I did not intend for this affair to actually take place.  I never wanted out of my marriage and thought I could run that relationship without sex alongside my marriage.  One sexual encounter and it was my undoing.  Guilt was over powering and my wife sensed it.  I ended the other relationship, broke the news to my wife and broke her heart, and have been working on repairing my marriage.

I had no intentions of cheating, I had no intentions of getting that involved.  I got manipulated by a woman portraying herself as something that I was missing. I fell for it and it still may cost me everything I've ever held close to me.
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145992_tn?1341348674
I think the other woman knows exactly what she is doing.  Yes, she has no responsibility in the marriage but if she's purposefuly trying to take what isn't hers, then I think she is to be blamed as well.  The other women are very crafty at making themselves look like the better woman, they are catering, they are the ear to listen to the problems, they are the manipulators.  Tricky stuff.

I hope you and your wife come out of this a stronger couple.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for posting! It is not often men air their dirty laundry on this site. I appreciate your honesty. My husband said the same to me.  I do not know how long ago this went down and how your wife is handling it. I pray you are able to work through this but give her time. Coming form a wife who was betrayed. It is the worst pain possible. Not something you can get over easily but if you stay supportive and repentant it will help her.
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Avatar_m_tn
The other woman made herself all of that and then some.  I am not blaming her because ultimately I stepped out.  I got worked over pretty well by the other woman.  When I told her our relationship was over, she said she'd tell my wife everything.  (what she didnt know is that I had already spilled the beans to my wife....all of the details)  This was her effort to try to snap me back in to her way of thinking or to totally **** my wife off and send me packing.

My wife already had the details at that point, so whatever her motive was, it failed miserably.  I still feel as if we arent through with her though, and it is hindering some progress.  Ive got nothing but time and patience at this point.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Well my suggestions, change phone numbers, change email addresses, block her from anything that she can get into contact with the both of you on.  Start fresh, she's not in your lives any longer.
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1306053_tn?1323957610
Mami,
I am Brice's Wife.  You are so dead on as to how I am feeling and what I'm going through!   We are trying to work this out.  He is being very supportive, most of the time and completely patient - which is kind of against his nature.  I just thought I'd drop you a little note and thank you for your support of Brice, and of our relationship.  Any advice you have to help me through this would be appreciated as well.  
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145992_tn?1341348674
I'm so happy that you have come here.  It's very theraputic to talk to other people who have gone through or are going through similar experiences.  Cheating is such a taboo topic, it happens all too frequently but no one wants to admit that it is going on in their marriage.  It has such a profound effect on a relationship, it changes the complete dynamic of it.  The man you are with seems like a stranger to you now.  I am always around if you need to talk.  I know that it has taken me a very long time to forgive my fiance and believe me, I know exactly the type of rollarcoaster ride you are on with your emotions.  Even now almost 2 years later, I find myself still thinking about it and still having trust issues.  It does get better though, and my fiance is very good about being an open book and making me feel comfortable now.  
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1306053_tn?1323957610
Roller coaster is right!  I love Brice - he is my best friend, and we have this 20 year history that was so happy.  I was always telling people we were the happiest couple we knew, but for the last 8 months - he was carrying on this affair and I was just clueless.  We've been doing well, but today the wheels really came off the wagon.  I woke up feeling hurt and mad and he just seems to have lost all patience with this.  He has owned up and apologized, and he's going to therapy, so why can't I just drop it!?!?   I have known the whole story for 3 whole weeks!  Ugh!  It's so hard, but I don't want to lose him . . . . I'm afraid the affair won't ruin our marriage, but my reaction to it might.  :(
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry.  My heart is breaking for you, Mami is a great one to talk to she helped me so much, It has been 11 months for me, I know where you are, You will have good days and bad days. I too have been with my husband for just over 2o years. It is so devastating, I too thought it would never happen and had no clue it was going on. I have good days and bad days more good then bad now but I will admit coming up on a year has brought it up in my mind a fresh. We are still together and my husband too like yours has been honest, broken and will do and has done whatever he can to be there for me. I was not always nice, but I wanted him to hurt just as bad as he hurt me but I did not want to push him away, I almost did, I had to realize it was over and start to work on me not him,  You need to be a bit selfish right now, and If you have children do all you can for them,. if they do not know what is going on I am sure they can feel the tension. I am here for you,if you need to talk,
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145992_tn?1341348674
To be fair its only been 3 weeks. Those wounds are still fresh. They say the first year after the affair is the hardest. It is so true. Give yourself a chance to grieve, you're mourning a loss here. The man you once knew is no longer who he is now but this could strengthen your bond. It will take time and trust me I know how you feel about wishing you could just get over it. I wish we had a mind eraser where we can just get rid of all the bad feelings. As time goes on you will be able to control your thoughts and the memories of the betrayal will be pushed further away. I read some books on surviving infidelities and those helped me immensely. Your marriage will survive this, I can feel it. Just give it some time.
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1306053_tn?1323957610
Thanks.  I have read many of your posts - you are a very wise woman!  I would love some book reccomendations.  I just finished AFTER THE AFFAIR by Janice Spring.  It was helpful, but I'd like more.  Thanks!
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1306053_tn?1323957610
My husband and I are fighting so bad right now, because he cannot tell me WHY he did this.  If we can't figure out WHY, how will we know it's not going to happen again.  Any suggestions?  Does anyone else's husband say there was no reason?  Or they don't know the reason?
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145992_tn?1341348674
My fiance said this for the longest time.  He didn't know why, it was a mistake.  After a long time he realized that it was the freedom he had longed for.  They hung out, they went to bars, they had no responsibilities, it was carefree.  Our relationship wasn't this way because it was real.  Basically the relationship was an escape for him.  But it took a really long time for him to come to this conclusion.  Sometimes men don't want to face the reality of why they strayed.  I think that men like the attention, the ego stroking, the novalty.  When a woman flirts with them, they get a rush of excitment, which only comes in the "beginning" of most relationships.  Perhaps in therapy he can come to understand why he did it.  Maybe he just doesn't want to hurt you, but I can guarantee you that those flings or affairs aren't fulfilling and are just a complication.  
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145992_tn?1341348674
Another book I read was "Surviving Infidelity", I can't remember the author and I heard the book "My husband's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me" by Anne Brecht was good.  I saw her on Dr. Phil.  I haven't read it yet.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Mine said the same. for the longest time there was no reason but we used Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue did it every night together and He was finally able to tell me that with all the pressure at home and my constant complaining about the kids and this and that left him feeling inadequate as a husband and father at times, this woman just ended a bad relationship and would always say to him why can't I find a man like you, he said it made him feel good and once she roped him in she knew exactly what to say to make him feel good.

It really hurt me to hear that but I realized it was true on my part. I was not  blaming him for our situations but I was taking my frustration out on him.
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