Aa
Mistake??!! NO, NO, NO
I stand by what I said.A "mistake" is in the MOMENT.An AFFAIR is DELIBERATE & INTENSIONAL.You buy into his BS because that's what we've been conditioned to do "If he was happy at home he would not stray"we BELIEVE THIS!! AND So Does He!!.We have ChildRen.We have invested our Heart&Soul.We want to SAVE this relationship that HE wasn't so worried about, that HE didn't make #1!!!!WeACCEPT his stray&we take responsibility for it."He wouldn't have done this is we were what He "wanted", what He "needed" He WOULD NOT do the same for us!!It would drive him CRAZYto know You F'd someone else,You think he wouldn't lose sleep and cause YOU to lose sleep?You think His "FRAGILE" Male Ego wouldn't be damaged??!! and it would be our job to make him feel "good" about himself again!!(WE SO WORRY ABOUT HIS "FRAGILE" MALE EGO!!)Why isn't he worried(concerned)about us!!??We spend our LIVES feeling inadequate next to Playboy girls, Hooter girls, Victoria Secret girls, CheerLeaders, Pamela Anderson, etc., etc., etc. While we bend over BACKWARDS telling them they are WONDERFUL and Penis size doesn't matter!!
I had Joe read your post, He pretty much stays away from this site but I had him read it and he said that is exactly how he felt and still feels, Thank you, It has almost been one year for us, ( next week) and I could never have imagined we would be as deeply rooted and grounded once again in our relationship as we are. You and Dee dee seem to be on the same track, Good luck!
About your husband hurting too. I realize its a different pain, or at least on a different level. My problem is that I have never had the ability to properly convey my feelings to my wife. That leads to some of my frustration, and probably his too.
I was a little offended at one of my first therapy sessions when my therapist said this simple statement... "that is so "man mentality". I didnt really know how to take that at first, but when she broke the statement down a bit I knew she was on the button.
As men, we are taught what a man is "supposed" to do, "supposed" to be, and how he is "supposed" to act, by the main male role model in our lives. (I really think that's where I got all screwey) My therapist went on to state that what I probably was feeling was that I let my wife down, my family down, my friends down, and even myself down. I am probably hurting because of the pain I caused my wife.... but then stated it was different. She explained those differences, like my wife feeling betrayed...and knowing that I caused it is almost unbearable! The only person I really meant to right by, and I completely blew it. I let myself down and worse than that realized that I let her down. That really stings a bit.
What I am trying to learn now is to get over the "typical male bull**** " and learn to verbally convey my thoughts and opinions. Men arent hard wired that way, my therapist said and by judging myself and my situation only, I'd say shes probably right.
Anyhow, I'd really like to thank you, mami and everyone else on this forum for your advice and open minded, to even have the time to listen my story,
I was a little offended at one of my first therapy sessions when my therapist said this simple statement... "that is so "man mentality". I didnt really know how to take that at first, but when she broke the statement down a bit I knew she was on the button.
As men, we are taught what a man is "supposed" to do, "supposed" to be, and how he is "supposed" to act, by the main male role model in our lives. (I really think that's where I got all screwey) My therapist went on to state that what I probably was feeling was that I let my wife down, my family down, my friends down, and even myself down. I am probably hurting because of the pain I caused my wife.... but then stated it was different. She explained those differences, like my wife feeling betrayed...and knowing that I caused it is almost unbearable! The only person I really meant to right by, and I completely blew it. I let myself down and worse than that realized that I let her down. That really stings a bit.
What I am trying to learn now is to get over the "typical male bull**** " and learn to verbally convey my thoughts and opinions. Men arent hard wired that way, my therapist said and by judging myself and my situation only, I'd say shes probably right.
Anyhow, I'd really like to thank you, mami and everyone else on this forum for your advice and open minded, to even have the time to listen my story,
It is so nice to hear good news some times and from both sides involved!
At least you both can be open with eachother and both can come on here and express your feelings. It's nice to see both sides of the story and not just the husband's or the wife's. I wish my fiance could be on here as well but I think he would die if he knew I was speaking about our personal life on a public forum. Good luck to you both and yes, rekindling and reconnecting is fun. We're still doing it and we still enjoy it.
Thanks for the vote of confidence and I wish you guys the best of everything to come and continued success in your rebuilding process!
Dee Dee and I are having a good time reconnecting and are learning alot about ourselves through therapy that we had either ignored or just plain didnt know. I do believe that this process will make us a better, stronger couple.
Im finding the process, fun, challenging, trying at times, but know it will be worth it in the long run.
Dee Dee and I are having a good time reconnecting and are learning alot about ourselves through therapy that we had either ignored or just plain didnt know. I do believe that this process will make us a better, stronger couple.
Im finding the process, fun, challenging, trying at times, but know it will be worth it in the long run.
As Brice's wife, I know I am a lucky woman.
'Reconnecting' is almost as fun as 'connecting' was in the first place. I believe we will come out on the other side of this stronger, more committed and happier than ever.
'Reconnecting' is almost as fun as 'connecting' was in the first place. I believe we will come out on the other side of this stronger, more committed and happier than ever.
You sound just like my husband. I know he is hurting too. Thank you so much for posting. You know an affair is a terrible thing to happen in any relationship but honestly it has worked so much good in our relationship. It made us take a step back and re evaluate what was important to us. I had to realize I was placing my children, my parents and my job before the needs of my husband. We are closer now then before. It is like when we first met with a bit more maturity lol. Once again thank you and I pray all works out for you.
As per Merriam-Webster: Mistake- an error in action, calculation, opinion or judgement caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge; to be in error.
I am not the one to be correcting anyone with grammar, but I think you've confused "mistake" with "accident". By no means is what happened to you an accident. Even by your own definition, this affair took planning and was caused by an error in judgement, opinion, carelessness....and was just wrong. An accident is spur of the moment, like when you drop the mornings breakfast on the floor.
What I did was a horrible, horrible mistake. I used the worst judgement and reasoning in what I did. I caused pain and suffering that I hope I never have to go through in my life time, but at the same time AM going through some of it because of what I did to the only woman I ever really loved.
The pain the faithful partner goes through is completely different than the pain the unfaithful partner is experiencing. It is very common for the unfaithful partner to seek medical attention, and have to use therapy and medicine in order for them to go on with life...either with or without the affected partner.
Every case has numerous similarities and a few differences. Obviously, the decision to go on with, or end the marriage can be the calling point of what either/both partners need to do to overcome or get past the affair. Healing times are different for both parties, and there is no set time in which one should be done grieving. It takes time, and I seriously doubt that anyone ever "forgets" that the affair happened.
I am truly sorry for what happened in your marriage. I strongly encourage you to seek the help of medical professionals and a good therapist and do everything you can to educate yourself pertaining to the dynamics of an affair. You will be suprised by reading a few books at the similarities and the few differences of other affairs to the one that affected your lives. "After the Affair" looks almost like a book that my wife and I could have written, and honestly has been a big help knowing that others have gone through this....exactly the same feelings and grief that my wife and I are going through now.
I too have found a bunch of help within this forum. Good people sharing their stories to aid others is a blessing. An affair is the worst thing that I can think of to affect a marriage akin to losing a child....(I hope nobody has to go through that) The good news is, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel and for everyone the light can be shown at a different light. Some folks chose to work it out, go to therapy, and eventually move on. Others chose not to go on with the marriage, but through therapy recieve the tools to go on with life and find joy in the other wonders that life has to offer.
Youre very strong in your convictions right now, and understandably so. You need to be receptive to therapy, and I strongly suggest you seek some out if you havent decided to do so by now, regardless of the decison to move on or stay around. It is possible to rebuild a relationship, and have it be stronger that the one you previously knew. I am seeing that in our therapy sessions. And although there is no sure deal, my wife and I are committed 100% to trying to make this work and are finding out things about ourselves and each other that we never knew. This alone can make your relationship stronger.
Rebuilding trust can and will take a long time, but I know that my wife is the woman for me. I made the worst mistake in my life, and will pay for it. Infact, I am paying for it now. Seeing the pain and grief this affair caused is almost more than I can take. But what I am concentrating on is being the strong man my wife new and am anticipating becoming a better, stronger man that my wife can trust and love.
It is doable. People do it all the time. By reading you'll find that numerous couples have gone on to live happy lives together, or conversely divorced and gone on to live happy, otherwise successful lives apart. Your case isnt that different from other affairs throughout history, but what makes it different is that this one happened to you!
Be strong, keep tuned into this board, get help where you can find it, and be receptive to everything that comes your way.
Sincerely,
Brice
I am not the one to be correcting anyone with grammar, but I think you've confused "mistake" with "accident". By no means is what happened to you an accident. Even by your own definition, this affair took planning and was caused by an error in judgement, opinion, carelessness....and was just wrong. An accident is spur of the moment, like when you drop the mornings breakfast on the floor.
What I did was a horrible, horrible mistake. I used the worst judgement and reasoning in what I did. I caused pain and suffering that I hope I never have to go through in my life time, but at the same time AM going through some of it because of what I did to the only woman I ever really loved.
The pain the faithful partner goes through is completely different than the pain the unfaithful partner is experiencing. It is very common for the unfaithful partner to seek medical attention, and have to use therapy and medicine in order for them to go on with life...either with or without the affected partner.
Every case has numerous similarities and a few differences. Obviously, the decision to go on with, or end the marriage can be the calling point of what either/both partners need to do to overcome or get past the affair. Healing times are different for both parties, and there is no set time in which one should be done grieving. It takes time, and I seriously doubt that anyone ever "forgets" that the affair happened.
I am truly sorry for what happened in your marriage. I strongly encourage you to seek the help of medical professionals and a good therapist and do everything you can to educate yourself pertaining to the dynamics of an affair. You will be suprised by reading a few books at the similarities and the few differences of other affairs to the one that affected your lives. "After the Affair" looks almost like a book that my wife and I could have written, and honestly has been a big help knowing that others have gone through this....exactly the same feelings and grief that my wife and I are going through now.
I too have found a bunch of help within this forum. Good people sharing their stories to aid others is a blessing. An affair is the worst thing that I can think of to affect a marriage akin to losing a child....(I hope nobody has to go through that) The good news is, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel and for everyone the light can be shown at a different light. Some folks chose to work it out, go to therapy, and eventually move on. Others chose not to go on with the marriage, but through therapy recieve the tools to go on with life and find joy in the other wonders that life has to offer.
Youre very strong in your convictions right now, and understandably so. You need to be receptive to therapy, and I strongly suggest you seek some out if you havent decided to do so by now, regardless of the decison to move on or stay around. It is possible to rebuild a relationship, and have it be stronger that the one you previously knew. I am seeing that in our therapy sessions. And although there is no sure deal, my wife and I are committed 100% to trying to make this work and are finding out things about ourselves and each other that we never knew. This alone can make your relationship stronger.
Rebuilding trust can and will take a long time, but I know that my wife is the woman for me. I made the worst mistake in my life, and will pay for it. Infact, I am paying for it now. Seeing the pain and grief this affair caused is almost more than I can take. But what I am concentrating on is being the strong man my wife new and am anticipating becoming a better, stronger man that my wife can trust and love.
It is doable. People do it all the time. By reading you'll find that numerous couples have gone on to live happy lives together, or conversely divorced and gone on to live happy, otherwise successful lives apart. Your case isnt that different from other affairs throughout history, but what makes it different is that this one happened to you!
Be strong, keep tuned into this board, get help where you can find it, and be receptive to everything that comes your way.
Sincerely,
Brice
I agree with specialmom as always, a mistake is something someone regrets. Some however, may not regret it and then it wouldn't be considered a mistake. Some people can survive infidelity and rebuild their relationship and others cannot. Everyone deals with it differently.
Interesting second post. Much like your first one. I do think that some can call their affair a mistake because they deeply regret it and which they hadn't done it. That is another definition of a mistake.
Some couples go on to repair the relationship after infidelity happened. In that case, I'd call the affair a mistake.
I've even seen people look at their own actions after their spouse has cheated and while I do not condone cheating in any way, I think that we grow as people when we try to understand the dynamics that lead up to it. That is where growth and healing come from. And when the cheater does the same, a relationship can actually be strengthened.
Luck to ALL those trying to heal.
Some couples go on to repair the relationship after infidelity happened. In that case, I'd call the affair a mistake.
I've even seen people look at their own actions after their spouse has cheated and while I do not condone cheating in any way, I think that we grow as people when we try to understand the dynamics that lead up to it. That is where growth and healing come from. And when the cheater does the same, a relationship can actually be strengthened.
Luck to ALL those trying to heal.
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