Infidelity User Group
The death of love as I know it.
About This Group:

For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
85 members
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The death of love as I know it.

When my husband left me after 40 yrs I went into a grieving process...  no thoughts of our happy times or how wonderful he was.

                                            It started when  he went back to the UK for a wedding and he got together with his newly widowed sister in law. I knew nothing about it at the time ,Things were pretty grim back home with our only child Bev now an incomplete Quad after her race fall and she was very very down and in deep depression.

He had just got over a stroke and was not good himself so I thought it would be good for him to go for a break and I would hold the fort back home.

When he returned he was really unpleasant to me and he did everything he could to make me throw him out, I in turn of course knew something was up but realised it would devastate Bev and  my Grand daughter Tara if he left.
So I just copped it sweet.But with a dread that was soul destroying.So he started a big argument with Bev and stormed out (already booked his flight to uk) and off he went saying goodbye to no one.Not even his little Granddaughter.

Needless to say it was a time I cannot bear thinking about and for about  two years after.Bev and myself will never be the same, the trauma was indescribable.
As I have stated already we have both met wonderful men who are helping us heal with their great love and care.

My husband is dead, no feelings no nothing towards him.A weak, arrogant and selfish man who had no guilt.... a rat leaving a sinking ship.

I was married to this man for forty years, granted they were not always easy but never thought he could do this to his little family as he was so angry when Bev's husband did it too her after she got hurt.

Suffice to say our opinion of men was very low until we met two lovely guys who have restored our faith in the male.
So whatever happens there is always hope.You might have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince but he IS out there.

Tell you what is rare....  that is a frog that has turned into a Prince it can happen Brice is proof of that ! but as for the majority don't hold your breathe.

All of us in one way or another have walked into the dark side never to be the same again,when somone we love betrays us it tears our soul from our body.... a hurt so deep  we walk about in a daze of disbelief and shock,  it upsets me so much when I see others going through the same thing.

I want to put my arms around you and say I KNOW how you feel.....  one way or another it will get better , but it will change you forever .....the way it affected me was no matter what happens when something goes wrong it goes over my head  ! all feelings leave my mind and body... like it has happened to a stranger.

I am not sure if I want to recover from it. Have any of you gone through that at all...???????
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6 Comments
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I identifiy with what You say here - I too felt like a he tore a chunk out of my Soul and everything changed.  It changed who I thought he was.Suddenly I felt my husband was a stranger because the person I thought him to be would not have done those things.  I was horrified and even scared - what more might I not know he was capable of?  I did not trust my own belief and judgement any more and that scared me too.  I was living with him 24/7 and making babies with him and I did not know he was capable of betrayal, of looking me in the eye while betraying me. I did not know he was capable of such deceit and the lies it entailed.

I agree there are Good Men out there and I'm glad You and Your Daughter have found your Prince(s) that are helping You heal.  I am remarried to a Wonderful  Man who also was cheated on and together we gave helped to Heal One Another.  I'm the happiest girl in the whole USA.

And I too, have no feelings for my 1st husband.  I neither like nor dis-like him.  I've been misunderstood greatly on this forum as being consumed by anger and that is totally a misjudgement of what I've tried to convey.  I'm pretty direct and I speak with passion, I don't sugar coat things.  I still identify with women who have been cheated on and what it does to the heart and soul, but today I am grateful.  What my 1st husband did set me free and ultimately gave me the opportunity to have the relationhip I have today.  How could I ever be mad at him now?

When there is infidelity, whether the marriage survives or doesn't survive, it takes YEARS to get through the damage it does.
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I agree, the damage is insurmountable.  Hope I spelled that correctly.  It's with you forever, engrained in your mind and heart.  I know I am a totally different person today then I was 2 years ago when the affair came to light.  I am less naive and struggle with trust issues.  Even when I'm being told the truth I doubt it.  It's really sad, I wish I could have a normal relationship.  However, I also gained some positives from the entire situation.  I'm a lot stronger, more independent, and have been able to use my experience as a way to help others who have been through it.  Would I wish for a different outcome?  Of course I do, I would give anything for it not to have happened to me.  So that I could love my fiance wholeheartedly and unconditionally and not wonder each and every day if he's being honest or if he will do it again.  But if it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't be able to reach out and give support to those other people who need it.  I guess I'm torn on this subject.  
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It comforts me to know I am not alone .My guy too was cheated on and I think because that has happened to him as well he is was to give support and strength to me that I needed as he had gone through that also.

My ex was quite a dominant type who believed he was the head of our little family,but I moved with the times and became very strong so when the crises of Bev getting hurt hit him he did not know how to cope.And refused to believe that she would never ride in races again ....so when it finally hit him the shock I believe  contributed to his stroke which in turn was the trigger for the brain tumour which led to his death,This is only my opinion I could be so wrong.
One thing I do know is he could not bear to look at his once fit and vibrant daughter struggling to walk and went into deep depression.

Funny thing is my sister in law whom he ended up with was the type who waited on her man hand and foot had no opinion of her own.Which suited my ex completely.

I think what my ex did to me was the ultimet betrayel ....not only did he leave me ! he left his family to fend for themselves .

Mami you can trust again it will take time....I , like Tink am very happy but I too lost part of my soul . I have been going with my guy for 10 months he wants to marry me but although its also death do us part I do not know if I will go down that path again.

I do so hope I can give myself wholeheartedly again ,its been 4yrs since or is it 5 its all a blur sometimes.

The time is 4.15 am wish I could get more than 3 or 4 hours sleep a night !!  one of the after affects.
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Are You taking anything for Your depression?  Depression certainly interferes with sleep.  I had no problem going to sleep but I would wake up EVERY night at 2:am and would not be able to sleep again until bedtime the next night.  I was diagnosed with PTSD and with the proper medication I attained much relief and started sleeping again.
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Hi Tink I am on 300mg of Effexor a day dont think I need that much now but its a bugger to come off it ...forgot to take it once and Oboy not nice.

I wake up twice every night never sleep longer than 2 or 3 hrs at a time.What is this PTSD  ? and what is the treatment please ...wow it would be wonderful to sleep for even 5 or 6 hrs.Body clocks are a pain.

Need a good workout as well I think.....................................

Will post on that later.
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PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Most people associate this with war veterans -  often they do, in fact, suffer PTSD but anyone can be affected with this disorder.  It's not a mental illness, it's a psychiatric injury caused by prolonged duress, and prolonged psycological stress and can cause eating disturbances sleeping disturbances, depression, anxiety, despair, etc.  In my own case my sleep was GREATLY disturbed and I developed an EXTREME exaggerated startle response that comes from being constantly on guard - waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When the telephone rang, or the doorbell, or someone simply entered the room, I would jump out of my skin and scream so LOUDLY I would scare everyone around me!!  I took Paxil 20mg and it helped me immensely.  There are other medications and different strengths as well that are used to treat this disorder.  PTSD is NOT a sign of weakness - trauma actually changes the structure and the function of the brain - chemical changes that sometimes require medication to set those chemicals in order again.  Apparently the medication You are on is not helping with Your sleep disturbance and You really shouldn't have to suffer with that. Talk to Your doctor he/she should be able to give You something that will help.  I think Zoloft is another drug used to treat PTSD.
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