The other woman

[mami1323]

Did you ever ask questions about the other woman and finally get some questions answered?  Well I did on Saturday.  My fiance went out to eat and we got to talking about why the affair happened and what we could've done differently and how glad we were to be able to talk about it and not be angry.  Well we started talking about the w hore and I asked if he ever considered being with her if we ever did break up.  He said that he never saw himself with her in that way.  That he had feelings but he knew that she wasn't the type of woman he could have a relationship with.  She was almost 40 with no kids and never ever uttered a word about his kids.  She never asked about them at all.  I know she wouldn't ask about Jayden since I got pregnant with him during their affair and I'm sure she wasn't thrilled about him.  But how could you not show interest in this man's children?  So to him that was a big no-no.  Then another thing she would do was start fights with him because she was jealous when she would see him talking to other women in the gym.  She would accuse him of cheating.  Now that is the strangest thing I've ever heard.  First of all, he's not hers to get jealous over, he was mine.  Second, how can you accuse him of cheating when in fact he is cheating on me with her?  I mean are you for real?  But the thing is, I asked these questions, but finding out that she would behave this way made me angry all over again at her.  Like she had nerve.  He did say though that it was getting down to the end anyway when I found out, because he knew she wanted more but he didn't ever want to leave me.  

[mami1323]

That's what I said, why is she hurt and sad?  She knew what she was getting into when she got involved with an attached man.  I'm the one who was in the dark, I was the one being betrayed.  What the heck is she mad about?  I mean obviously he isn't some great guy or else he wouldn't be cheating on me.  These women have psychological issues.  That's what my therapist said.  That this woman needs to seek therapy of her own...lol.  Well at least in your situation your husband met himself a real fatal attraction and got disgusted with her.  In my situation my fiance felt bad for her because he said that he dogged her out to.  That didn't make me feel any better.  But I made it clear to him that she got herself involved with him knowing I was there, knowing I was pregnant, so she allowed herself to get hurt.  Why feel sorry for someone who puts themself in that position.  Feel sorry for me.

[lor662]

I seriously dont understand why these woman get upset at us??? and revenge on us,,we are inocent to the whole situation,,and when they get involved with an attached man,what do they expect???he has a wife ,,he has a family,,you no that,,so why do they get mad at us,,i never called her or spoke to her ever,,nor did i want to,,the war was with him,,he betrayed me not her,,but yet she searches for me,,harrasas me and cranks me and ,,,and i spent countless hours at the police station from the harrassment,,it whent to court it was so bad,,they got 12 months of not to come or contact me him or my children,,so i hade to suffer tha after math also on top of everything,,but yet i did nothing but go to work and come home to all this bull,,thats another reason i dont heal also the fact that i was harrased and verbally abused by his misstress and her psycho

[mami1323]

Man she deserves an a$$ whopping for that. You were the innocent person here so why are you the b!tch? She's the one messing with your life. What a psycho! Well this chick didn't confront me but when we spoke she had no remorse because she thought it was her opportunity to get to be with him now. She thought we would break up and this was her chance. Now she's got a match.com page and at first she was looking for men between the ages of 37-47, then she changed it to 35-45 and now she changed it again to 30-42. Like come on date a man your age and stop trying to be a damn cougar. She's nearly 40 years old. Its pathetic!

[lor662]

Trust is hard to rebuild,,also when i did not no anything about the affair,he would talk about a guy he new telling me all about him and his life,,the whole time he was talking about her,,its sick actually,,,,and lets talk about the other woman his misstress????now i am his wife,im in the dark about the whole affair,,she was home wrecking my family,,sleeping with my husband ,,helping him spend are money,, and haveing unprotected sex with him ,,,and has been seen shopping with him,,,,driveing around with him,crank calling my home for him,,etc etc,,now her and her husband,,exposed the affair to me in there twisted sick head,,he called my home!!he came to my home to make a scene in front of my children when i was at work!!he contacted my work!!why??????when i finally talked to this man and asked him why he was trying to find and talk to me???the first words that came from his mouth was she meaning the misstres wanted me to find you and tell you about the affair cause she is pissed off???????now dont yu think thats a crazy person??she is the one screwing my husband and messing up my life but she is pissed off so much that she sends her seperated husband to deliver the affair news to me,,WHAT  COWARD AND HIPOCRITE SHE IS,,they both ganged up on me ,,with millions of crank calls,,we had t change our numbers and get restraining orders,,and why????cause i would not give her the time of day,,to meet or talk to me,,although she called my house private number and when i answered called me a ***** and hang up,,WHAT THE HELL DID I DO EXACTLEY BUT BE IGNORANT OF NOT WANTING TO TALK OR SEE YOU,,HOW STUPID AND HIPOCRITE IS THAT SERIOUSLY,,IM INOCENT TO THIS AFFAIR BUT YET ME AND MY CHILDREN SUFFER FOR YOUR BEHAVIOURS,,, SAD REAL SAD,,PATHETIC

[mami1323]

Girl, it sounds all too familiar.  I woud get the same about the phone, oh it was dead or I didn't feel it ring.  I got the oh I'm dressing up because I'm tired of wearing gym clothes all the time.  He used to go walk the dog and I would call him and he wouldn't pick up, he would be gone for like 20 minutes and he would say he took our dog for a walk around the block.  It don't take no damn 20 minutes that's for sure.  He would go to the bathroom many times and I would say either you have a horrible stomach or something's up and he would say, what now you count how many times I take a sh!t.  He would be hanging out with friends that I never met.  He would come home with a new leather jacket and new watch and tell me they were from clients.  Which was the truth but she wasn't just a client.  I would hear him texting right next to me and he would think I was asleep.  I could hear him whispering on the phone in the bathroom when he thought I was sleeping.  He protected his phone like a crazy person.  Just a million and one stories that I knew were a bunch of bull.  But again, had no proof.  When he got caught I wasn't surprised because I knew things were not right.  I was mad as hel!  Trust is sacred and very hard to rebuild.

[lor662]

I was  tottaly trusting,but when i was at work,,the suspision started when he would not answer his cell phone or it was turned off,,when i would confront him about it,he would say he had to charge it ,,the phone was dead,,or he was so busy he didnt hear it,,then i noticed a change in his wardrobe,,i asked him about it,,and his responce,,this is a funny one that i believed at the time,,he found them brand new,,now looking back ,,he found brand new clothes in his size brand new,,also he brought new expensive cologne home,,again asked him,,ya his friend gave it to him cause he didnt like the smell,,then he would walk away talking on the phone way in the back garage,,i asked him ?why are you talking back there,,he would say i was feeding the dog and my friend called,,then i would catch him on the porch suprisingly,,now i no he was  texing,,he would pretend he was playing a game on the phone when i caught him,,i guess thats when he decided to get a secret cell phone,when i would come home from work,,he aways had an excuse he had to go back to work,,just befor his afair was dicovered he was starting to tell me things like you look so pretty,,and then say how come you dont were earings anymore,,i would say?im a cook and i were a hair net at work so i dont were earings at work,,then he would say you have a nice figure for a woman who had 6 kids,,then i would say,,what the hell is your problem,,i also noticed a change in the bedroom,,and this one is a shocker,,after doing it he called me her name that i didnt no at the time when we were finished,,i said what did you call me?he was lucky on that one cause his dads girlfriend had the same name<<and no she was 68 lol,,on fathers day he dropped me at my parents with the kids ad said he had to go give an estimate,,when the affair was discovered,,i was told were he whent,,also noticed double showers,,unacounted money,,and viagra pouches after the affair was discovered,,and he never had a problem,,it was for recreational use,,i did leave my lipstick once in my side of the door,,asked him were it was later,,he put it in the trunk,,he said in case it got stolen,i look back and im so discusted,,and i will never forget,,i weighed 115 pounds at the time,,lost weight to under 100,,and im 5 feet five and was a walking bone rack with bad nerves,,i got bags under my eyes from sleepless nights,,cryed so many tmes in disbelief,,it took a year just to get back to my 115 pounds and start to sleep again and to stop crying,,and now im consumed with the man i thought i new,,the man i gave my life to and are kids,,how i would be so giving to suffer for things i wanted for all of them

[mami1323]

Richie isn't as insecure as he was when he was having the affair.  I guess he had a guilty conscience and now he doesn't.  So to me, he's definitely less jealous than before.  I think your husband fears that you will leave him because he sees you unhappy and knows that you are not over it.  I get more I love you's now and more affection and attention, that's for sure.  But I'm not complaining about it because I was deprived from it for so long that I'm milking it for every drop...lol.

Looking back at the times he went missing or spent the night out or changed his clothes before work and said he was going here or there, I never skipped a beat, I knew then what was up, I just didn't have proof.  Finding out about the affair just confirmed my feelings and that is all.  

[lor662]

I would like to ask,,now looking back when they were haveing an affair,,can you pin point all the lies excuses change of clothes etc,,and say i remmember when he told me this?and he was there,,what thing did you miss and now looking back you think how you could have missed it,,,thanks

[lor662]

Also have you noticed a jealousy on there part now,,my husband is so insecure with me,,i notice alot of times i will glance at a man not thinking,,and he will say you like that?and have this look on his face,,that honestly he deserves,,also he never did this befor,,tells me how pretty i am every day,,and tells me he loves me about 100 times a day,,i will tell him you should havehought of that befor you showered and whent to get screwed,,i tell him everyday he can leave me,,and he is free to go

[mami1323]

I understand better now, it was hard for me to get why you would stay with him when you are so clearly upset and angry.  I wish you could get to where I'm at because it's such a happier place but if you are comfortable with where you at then more power to you.  I just don't want you to look back on your life years from now and say, why did I waste my time in an unhappy marriage?  When you could make the changes now.  I've thought all the things you have, don't get me wrong.  I was upset knowing that he could've inevitably carried on a disease to me and our son.  That infuriated me, from what he tells me he was always protected but hey I will never know.  I'm mad that he wasted time and energy on her, rather than on me.  I'm upset that he spent some holidays with her instead of with me and his son and his family.  I'm angry knowing that he had feelings for her.  But I've pushed all that to the back so that I could be with him and enjoy our life.  I guess all you can do is take it one day at a time.  I hope you find peace some how.

[lor662]

I cannot express enough to tell you,, you are a strong and determend woman and i sincerly am glad you are in that place for you and your family,,but as you know how my story goes,,he also financialy ruined us also,,and for a woman he barley new,,and as he had unprotected sex and made the decision to sleep wih me without my knoledge of this unprotected sex behaviour,,he did not even respect me enough for that also,,in this day and time no one should take itupon themselves to imaturely,,give no respect in that department,,it was not considered enough to make a choice to sleep with him knowing he did not use protection,,were are my feelings here,,looks like he had none for me,,but when he got caught ,,wow all the love for me was there,,and if he didnt get caught,,i would of never know anything,,and he would have liked it,,i feel i have alot more issues with him,,and i know i will never ever be were you are,,i i honestly dont fully whant to,,im happy as it goes and i now take it day by day,,but i will not hold back for any one who will come into my life,,i have lost respect for him along with love,,and i will not believe in his words,,and i will never no truths from lies beause he is a master of deseption,,i know there are lots of woman out there who feel the same as me,,and cannot get to where you are,,and im ok with that cause my life with him is what it is and h knows it,,he is so insecure now,,and he has a right to be after what he hs done to us and are family,,i will never shake it

[mami1323]

Yes, he does prove himself every day to me.  He wants to be better for me...he knows he messed up and he knows the consequences of messing up again.  There wouldn't be a second time for him, it would be over and I know he wouldn't want to lose his family.  It takes so much time to heal and there really isn't a timeframe of getting over things but if you feel like after the year is up and you are still feeling the same that you have from day one, then it's time to re-evaluate if this relationship is going to make it and if this is where you want to be.

[specialmom]

I do believe that some  men learn from their actions.  
And how they conduct themselves after an affair tells a lot about what the outcome will be of trying to work on the marriage.  I think the same can actually be said for both people in a marriage.  After a period of time, you either have to heal from the affair or it won't work.  And its best chance for success is when both parties are interested in healing.  That takes time, patience and willingness.  

Mami, I think  your man proves to you every day now that he is faithful and loyal to you and the life you have created.  It makes it easier to let go of the past hurt when time has passed and they work to prove themselves.  

Best of wishes to all for healing and peace.

[mami1323]

It is what it is lor, there are no perfect men and no perfect relationships.  You would be surprised to know how many people deal with infidelity in their relationships.  Infidelity doesn't have to be the be all end all of a relationship.  What they did was wrong, it was thoughtless, selfish, disrespectful, inconsiderate and more words that I could type but I think you get the point.  However, you have to stop allowing what your husband did to control you.  I'm not saying, not to be upset or not to have these thoughts but most people who have them, walk away, instead of staying in a marriage full of hate and disgust.  You can get to a better place, you can find love in your relationship again...I'm walking proof of it.  A person can change if they want to, my fiance is walking proof of that.  He's become such a good man to me and such a good father to our son and it was his lesson he had to learn in life.  Yes, it crushed me, yes, it was me who was wronged but I can spend my life with him hating him and our relationship suffering for that or I can try and make my life with him better, which I'm doing.  If I couldn't move past it, I would be out that door.  Just for my own sanity.  You are letting his actions drag you down and frankly, no one is worth that.  I used to be where you are at but I had to learn to let it go.  I could get angry all over again, every day, but then I'm continuing to let the affair take over my life.  I have to be strong for my son and we are now a happy family.  I don't question if he's had affairs before this one, I don't want to think about it.  I'm living for today because who knows what tomorrow will bring.  

[lor662]

WELL ISNT IT SOOO NICE HOW THESE POOR EXCUSE FOR MEN REALIZE THERE NEW FOUND LOVE FOR US AND HOW THERE WHOLE AFFAIR WAS SUCH A MISTAKE,,THAT AFTER ALL THOSE LIES AND SEX AND MUNIPULATING,THE INOCENT WIVES ,,THEY ONLY REALIZED SUCH A THING WHEN THEY GOT CAUGHT,,I MEAN AFTER ALL WE DO BELIEVE THEM RIGHT ?WHEN THEY TELL US IT WAS THERE FIRST AND ONLY AFFAIR?I MEAN NOT LIKE THEY WOULD ACTUALLY CONFESS TO ,,LETS SAY ONE TIME SEX OR SHORTER TERM AFFAIRS,,,WHE SHOULD GIVE THESE KIDS A BREAK RIGHT KIDS,,CAUSE A LOVEING HUSBAND WOULD NOT DARE TO DISTRUPT HIS FAMILY OR LET ANY OTHER WOMAN ALSO,,YA YOU KNOW,,THERE PIGS AND SKANKS THEY THINK WITH THERE ZIPPER NOT THERE HEAD,,OH WELL ,,THATS THE LIFE OF THESE SELFISH SCANDRALS AND THE WMAN WHO LOVE THEM

[mami1323]

You shouldn't stay with someone just for fear of all that you listed, that's no life.  I was able to forgive because I was able to live in the here and now and not the past. It took a lot of work but I refused to let what he did bring me down.  I'm not sure what would've happened, all I know is what did happen.  I'm not doubting there was attraction, there had to have been, I'm not sure what it was but I'm also not going to continue to think about what was between them because it wasn't enough for him to go to her.  He didn't stay with me because the alternative was worse, he stayed with me because he loves me and realized that he did love me.  He could've left, she makes more money then I do, he would've had his life set.  I wouldn't of gone after him for child support and he knows that, plus, I wouldn't of kept his son from him either, he knows that to.  She was nothing to him, if she was, he would still be with her and not me.  If it wasn't her, it would've been someone else.  All she was, was an escape for him.  I'm not sure what it was in your husband's case.  I don't imagine him sleeping with her because it wouldn't benefit me to think about it.  I'm not humiliated because he was the pig here, not me, I was innocent in the entire thing so he was the one who looked bad, not me.  I think the question you need to ask yourself is can I live out the rest of my life like this?  Perhaps it would be best for you to move on.

[lor662]

Ya your right,,but why did he stay with me also,,lets see child support,,loosing everything, alimony,its much easier to stay than go financialy would you not agree,,why not stay and eat out ,,if you no what i mean,,we say the misstress was ugly,,but reality they did not think so,,because an affair starts out as an attraction,,so lets not deny they are spouses where attracted to them,,enough to have multiple times of sex,,would you not think,,we here when its over,,they did not mean anything to us?then why the hell did you lie and risk are life and broke are trust,,did they think they would never have got caught,,thats right thats what they thought,,and buy the time they munipulated us for so long,,they figured out the misstress was no better than the wife,,so myaswell stay with the wify,,cause oh oh,,theres that child support ant the divorce lawyers,,cant take the ***** out no more cause they will be broke *****,,ya its so fun isnt it for them,,loosing your cake because the alternate would be worse,,so ya i do not believe trust can be rstored,,one da down the road if not today that **** will pop up in are heads,,imagne sleeping with us and thm at the same time,,wich they did,,now thats gross,,and funny dont you think,,not to mentin all the others who new,familyfriends,,or at least we thought they were,,you no the ones who new and shut there mouth,,further humiliating us,,no mami,,im happy for you,,youin that place of true forgivness,,for me,,ill never be there,,i no what he is,,A LIER A CHEAT A MANIPULATOR,A *****,,SELFISH,,

[mami1323]

Lor why do you stay with him then? If you can't get passed the hurt feelings why are you still with him? I'm not going to live with my fiancé and keep reminding myself of what he did because I'm not ready to lose my family and he's doing everything he can to make things right. I'm not making excuses for his behavior but I made my choices to and it was to stay and make it work so because of that I have to push those thoughts out of my head and enjoy my relationship the way it is now not 2 years ago.

[lor662]

The funny thing is ,,they aready had the power over us,,who suffers for there actions?we do mami,,we do?and yes they did not confess there  affar it was discovered,,and how much time whent buy in there relatonships till they figured they did not like the other person anymore,and of course its was over and or they were ending it when we discovered ther selfish behavieor,,you no what?they are weak people with selfish needs and selfish actions,,and i will no longer  make excuses for cheaters,,they are choices they make and maybe we are selfish,,to keep them when they have proven they can have another relationship behind are back and not care about us,,they ran to them and lied to us to be with them,,not us,,soooo they oviously did not care enough to loose us or are familys,,do you think they thought about us while they were getting laid soooooooooo many times,,ya i bet while they were getting blowed they were thinking about us right?not they were thinking of going back for more at are expense,,dont under estimate these cowards,if my husband would have confessed when i was told about it,,he would have gained some respect..if they would have confessed on their own,,that would show me true remorse for the actons,,but no?deny deny deny,,thats all they do

[mami1323]

It is disgusting but I try hard not to dwell on it anymore. I don't let the anger consume me because I feel like this happened for a reason. Honestly our relationship is better than ever. The trust is not the same but I can't live in fear and I certainly want to enjoy my life. I made a choice to stay with him and work through this and that's what I'm doing. I can't live holding on to all that anger. At some point you have to try to let go and be happy in your marriage. Yes there are times when I stupidly bring it up and am left with the hurt and anger but I just know now not to ask because I really won't like the answers. I don't drag it on any longer because I can control my happiness and won't allow either of them to have that much power over me.

[lor662]

YA your right things never leave your thoughts,,you no your always questoning there actions ?like is he lying..whats he up to now,,i dont ever ever can truly believe we can truthfully say we will ever trust them again,,its not possible i believe,,cause some time some where we will question there actions,,even if everything is ok ,,its still pondering in the back of are head,,trust is broke and it should be,,many years together and this is how they treat and show respect for us?they took a chance on us ,,to throw us way,,that did not seem to matter at the time,,when they were fuking them and lying to us,,every day they looked in are face and lied to us,,litteraly laughing at us,,they both were,,imagine what they talked about us behind are backs to them?he was getting lots of sex,,and us alot of deseption,,congrates to the cheaters,,they **** them and us at the same time,,how discusting is that,,

[mami1323]

I guess things aren't going well with you and your husband lor?  I don't believe him so much but I do think that he's telling me the truth about how she behaved.  I dated him for a long time and at the beginning he was that way with me to.  Before we were official he would say things like you can't be jealous because you're not my girl.  So basically he can do whatever he wants and I shouldn't be mad.  So I know that he talked to her that way.  I'm not saying that he is telling me everything or that he didn't make her feel special but a lot of these women think they are because they stay so long.  Even if they don't say it, these women assume it to.  It goes both ways in my opinion.  For a long time I was the type of woman who didn't go by the man's actions but by what he would say.  So my ex wouldn't see me for weeks at a time but he would tell me that he missed me.  I believed he did but if he had really missed me, why wouldn't he come see me?  

[lor662]

Put it this way,,do you honestly think are men are going to tell us the truth after there ongoing affair,,and in are case,,cause they got caught,,no they will say just about anything to avoid more problems cause they are trying to makeup for what they have done?I WOULD BELIEVE MORE THE MISSTRESS,WHY?cause she already lost him or dummped him,,so why should she care she has nothing left to loose,,but he does,,its pay back for misstreses,,if you have had the chance to confront her,you will no her truths from her lies,,because you no him,,or so you thought you did,,do you think they would tell you the truth if it happened befor?i think not,,but i will tell you this,,any man who can lie and munipulate us for that long is not trust worthy,,i dont believe **** that comes out of there slutty mouth,,the masters of munipulation and lies,,and as for these attention seekng woman,,who oviously have low self esteem to willingly date an attached man,,,get a life you all deserve what you get,,each of you take out eachothers garbage,,wich is what they both are,,attention sex seeking hipocrites,,

[lovemykids465]

It is a catch 22. I demanded the truth and when I did not get it I searched it out and it hurt like hell. I wish I would have just taken the little he gave me at times. It was over but then again b/c I know it all now I feel secure in that it will not happen again b/c he would have to be a fool seeing he did not get away with it and to want to go through that hell again you would have to be a sadist. I will occasionally bring the topic up and same as you mami it will be when we are out and he has so willingly talked about it and been fine and open but deep down inside it is like ripping open a scab and then I have to act all fine b/c first I am the one who brought the subject up and two I do not want to ruin a perfect evening. It is a hard thing to deal with and I am always scared of finding out there was more that I was not told about later on.