What are your honest thought of the misstress

[lor663]

Since i was a victum  of infidelity,,what are your honest thoughts of the person who engage into haveing an affair knowing,,the person who they are doing it with is attached,,and some do have family,,And they no,,How are your thoughts of them persueing the husband makeing excuses to call knowing they have a family,,etc,,But yet when its discoverded by there doing or other doing,,there are some cases ultimatums harrasment towards the wife the inocent,,,reaaly would like opinions thanks

[mami1323]

Well Lor some women are truly disgusted by ho bags.  LOL, thanks specialmom for that new word.  Either they've been victims themselves or they have compasion and values.  Not every women who hasn't been cheated on doesn't have high moral character.  I think it takes a pretty classless human being to contribute in an affair with a married or unavailable person.  I also think our partners know that they will be hurting us but get so caught up in the affair that they aren't able to think clearly.  In my situation, he wound up with feelings and had a hard time letting go.  She was his escape from reality.  But when she was getting too demanding also, that's when he started thinking things through.  He knew he wasn't going to leave me, he felt guilt for lying.  He would wake up and hug me and tell me he loves me and would never leave.  I'm sure he had contemplated it on numerous occasions.  But in the end, she wasn't the type of woman that he could see himself with and he knew that he still loved me.  If I allowed myself to think about the affair I still find myself angry but I have moved on, enough so that I can just transfer and direct my thoughts elsewhere.  

[lor663]

This is a true statement,,,,when the police interviewed me cause of my husband mistress ,,The woman officer said to me,,These woman still forget all the power a wife holds,,and she put a swear word in it,,,I was shocked to hear that,,and just said ya really,,,I did not no how to respond and was even surprised a person of law would even make that comment ,,still baffles me till today how to take that sentence of hers

[TTinKKerBBell]

You make me laugh!!  Cap locks are fine with me - I don't feel like I'm being yelled at.  I use them myself when I want to emphasize my word or my sentence -  and I don't think I've ever yelled at anyone here.  I just recently learned too that in the "cyber world" it might be taken as yelling but I'm not very computer savvy.  That's the only way I know to convey my passion when I'm typing.  
Yes, again I agree with You - every Man who has an affair KNOWS his Wife will feel betrayed and he KNOWS She will be deeply hurt - knowing that, it cannot be called a "mistake".  A "mistake" is when He does something that He doesn't know is wrong - if You know it's wrong then You have made an intended CHOICE - not a "mistake"!!  If He simply "made a mistake", He wouldn't have to hide it from Her - He could just go ahead and do it right in front of Her and then say "ooops, I made a mistake" and She'd say "no problem, honey, just try to get it right next time".

[lor663]

Funny thing is,,I asked my husband when it happened? would you have told me if she did not????He said i would of never i would not want to of hurt you<<<So he new what he was doing was wrong and Therefor it was not a mistake???He also told me she was getting more and more demanding of him,,giveing him ultimatums,,your wife or me??it really does not matter to me any more at all,,does not make it better or change things..But just to confirm ,,in this example OF WHAT IS NOT A MISTAKE,,ITS CALLED A CHOICE ONE THE CHEATERS MAKE FOR US AND THERE SELF,,NO YELLING CAP LOCK INTENDED FOR YOU,,LOL

[TTinKKerBBell]

The IMPACT and the UTTER DESTRUCTION will never leave You.  It was too EXTREME and it went too far.
You and I see eye to eye on much.  In my opinion it goes beyond the "word" infidelity - I, like You, consider it a "character" issue.  Certainly if it's a long term affair AND when it's  repeat, repeat, repeat with numerous women.  The unfaithfulness You experienced and mine also required REPEATED deception - that's where I have a problem with the word "mistake".  I contend that when You INTENTIONALLY lie, cheat, and deceive, in order to pull off something You KNOW is wrong - it cannot be called a "mistake".  A mistake is an "error"  while Infidelity is PLANNED with much DECEPTION and is WRONG by everyone's standards.

I also have a "personal" issue with the words "I forgive you".  I know, and understand, and am even happy that Others achieve that - it's good, it's very, very good for Them.  But it doesn't work for me.  Again, I speak personally here.  I feel it's not my "power" to "forgive".  I may "accept" (which I did, numerous times, early on) what has happened and try to move on in the marriage but "forgiveness" is God's job and if He wants "forgiveness" he should ask God for that.  It is NOT right and it is not ALRIGHT for a Man to disregard his Wife.  It is not alright for Him to CHOOSE to do something that He KNOWS will cause Her great pain.  It goes BEYOND "right and wrong" it's evil (even sinful).
I was never able to resolve that my Husband could be so deceptive.  I was terribly uncomfortable with that - even a little afraid of Him in the sense it made me feel He was a stranger to me.  That I didn't REALLY know this Man, that he was not who I thought He was.  It went beyond a "morality" issue for me, it was also a "character" issue.  And I finally could no longer be with someone who was capable of being so wantonly deceptive.  I mean it literally when I say that it scared me.  What else did I not know about this Man??!!  and what He might be doing??!!
You are not alone, lor.  I for one (and there are others) who cannot "forgive, accept, justify" a Partners blatant disregard for his Vows, his Family, his Wife's personal sexual health, etc., etc.  If he's willing to risk His future that's one thing but to risk Yours (financial and otherwise) without Your consent makes for a bad Man.
If You cannot "forgive", if You cannot "accept", perhaps You should begin to consider a different future for YourSelf.  My concern for Your health with the amount of stress You have is serious.  We don't realize the toll stress takes on us.  There's so much more to my story than I will ever be able to convey in a few paragraphs!!  I ended up having a brain anuerysm burst while I was lying on a pap smear table.  My dr's office was in the hospital so I was only a few feet from the emergency room when it happened.  I was air-lifted to a major hospital where I had 3 surgeries on my head and spent 15 days in the hospital.  If I hadn't been where I was when it burst I would be dead.  I tell You this because I believe from the bottom of my Heart that it burst because of the stress of my Life.  I'm not suggesting that You have a brain anuerysm, but I AM saying - stress can threaten our Health and our Lives.  Stress can cause heart problems too and any number of other things.  Is it feasible or possible for You to consider a different future for YourSelf?

[lor663]

Also my heart goes out to children who know what one parent is doing to another,,,but is in silence for known reasons,,of been put in a situation like this,,children young adults should Never Be Put In That Situation,,and its injustice for the cheater to no and put them in this situation,,Were are there values,,My children all new,,and i will NOT forgive him for ever  haveing the pain of knowing what he displayed to them,,EVER

[lor663]

It really makes you think what?is a family?and friends?when they can do this to you,,all the people who are suppose to be true family and friends help in the deception,that to me is hard to accept,,we talk and confide in these people for them to turn around and break this bond with us also,,,,,Your husband has cheated on you more than once,,but who really knows if mine has??done this befor,,i would assume yes because his affair was long and to get away with it that long and a secret cell?????really,,its pretty clever indeed,,he got exposed,,i would not have known if the other woman did not contact me??so i pretty sure he did it befor,,

[TTinKKerBBell]

I would never in a Zillion years suggest that the pain of infidelity is worse for One Person than Another BUT You DO wear different shoes than many and so did/do I - in the sense that FINALLY I did leave the cheating husband but I can't "get rid" of him or 2 of his "rotten ho bags".  I think that's why we understand One Another on these particular issues.  These things MAGNIFY the IMPACT when often the betrayal alone is enough to destroy the relationship!!  These "extras" keep it from being "put away" - more in Your case than mine - anymore I only have to brace myself at certain Family Functions - for me it's occasional - for You it's everyday.  I can't phathom losing my home over the infidelity!!  That would floor anyone!!
When there is infidelity, I think often a Couple looks for justification and when they can find it, it helps (therapy helps with this also).  You have not found "justification" for why Your Husband carried his affair to such a degree that he lost Your HOME!!, Your CAR!!. Risked Your HEALTH (this was a situation for me as well - my husband did not use precaution and he exposed me time and again!!  I will never be able to "justify" that!!)
I relate to You in the sense that my experience wasn't a "one time" affair or a "one woman" affair.  The IMPACT of that, as well, was huge!!  Personally, I feel it would be "somewhat" easier to heal and repair if
#1 You only had to go through it once (me)
#2  You didn't have to continue to deal with him AND the other women for the rest of Your
      life when You've decided to leave him (me)
#3  When You haven't been humiliated at work (you)
#4  When You haven't been stalked (you)
#5  When You haven't taken a horrendous financial hit (you)
#6  When You haven't lost Your HOME!! (you)     (although I will say everyone loses
                      financially when there's a divorce)
  
You ARE entitled to be as angry as You are - I'm in Your corner on that!!   BUT I am concerned for Your well-being as I know it is not good to carry this amount of anguish for this many years.   I would hope that with or without Your husband in the picture that You find a peaceful heart.  Somehow You need to find a way to work through this despair.  You don't have to "settle" for what has been dealt to You - You CAN take responsiblity for Your own happiness if You cannot find that with Your husband.  Weeks are turning into months and months are turning into years.  You don't want to spend Your entire life feeling this amount of anguish and despair.  I'm not suggesting You leave Your husband, only that You try to find Your peaceful heart with OR without him.
You deserve to be happy and sometimes we can't depend on someone else to make us happy, we have to seek it for ourselves.

[brice1967]

I am getting a better picture of what you went through, and it is indeed way messier than most on here.  We addressed one of the last sentences you wrote above in a therapy session a while back, referring to feeling like you "had been stripped of all of your rights".

It's pretty tough to see it any other way, isn't it?  Dee Dee too went through this, and I am 100% on board with the thought.  Looking back, she had every right to know what I was doing or had done.... so did you in your marriage.  I try to liken the subject of "rights" to things our government does.  (I am not anti-government, but they make decisions regarding our rights all of the time without notice.... that isn't right either, and I know it is a different subject.)

(Ugh, got busy at work and lost my train of thought.... I'll try to get back if I remember where I was going with this.  Crud!  I really thought what I was going to say would be somewhat helpful too....Dammit!  No caffeine yet...)

[lor663]

The infidelity is bad enough,but for friends and relatives its extremely hard also,,the woman my husband entered into a affair with was a friends friend,,are friends son was friends with are son and are friend worked with my husband,,she new us,,i would do her sons hair,,i was a part time hair dresser also,,it was are friend who set my husband up with her,,my husband is a mechanic and her friend needed car repairs,,her friend fell for my husband,,and soon made excuses to call him,,are friend said to my husband just go for coffee with her her,,and started from there,,Later found out are friend would tex my husband secretley all the time along with his misstres,,Are friend also was cheating on her husband,,,When i went threw the phone records on the cell i called her and said how could you do this,,She denied it apologised for it and that was the end,,My husband brought his misstress to his work and every one new,,it wasnt like he was trying to hide it,,only from me ,,he trusted all his work friends not to say anything,,but he always new were i was all the time,,I think i cannot get over the fact of the harasment ,,the loss of my home?I Worked Hard for that house also,,And for him to get it all gone,,for his choices is injustice to me and our children,,I saved and worked hard to get there,,for one day giving to our children,,,If he wanted to be with someone else,,i would of happily sold our home and split it with out a doubt,,I could not have afford the mortgage on my salary alone,,but i had no knowledge of anything,,Which i now regreat not being more aware and control as to what was going on around me,,Also the not useing protection ,,is also a hard fact for me,,no choice for my health also,,Pure selfish,,Seems i had been stripped of all my choices and rights,,And i blame myself for not being more attentive to all of this,,,The sick part is,,This woman saw me without my knowledge and told my husband ,,Your wife is 100 percent pretty,,Wow ah?idiots,,,And my life goes on for sure,,but i my life has changed for sure,,Maybe i just cant grasp the injustice of such cruel acts  towards another,,

[lor663]

I Also in reality have or never will blame the other woman,aside from the fact she had ill will towards me,,and i did nothing,, me and my family suffered because she has issues what ever they are but i do no,,I am not to blame..,,i strongly do not understand why?a woman feels she has to knowingly go out with a married man,,I feel she must think she is more special then the wife since the husband lies and cheats on there wife,,its a self problem they need to take a Big look at?I did not care about her or even focus on her aside from the courts wich i had No choice from her,,I blame him he brought this to my life period,,,,these people have no self worth to help destroy a man and his family,,but they are still not my problem,,he did this,,he did not have to participate in an affair,a no would have been just fine

[brice1967]

That is giant, and I'd never try to take away from that.  What I am trying to get to though is that there are other things in her life that she can focus on and make a difference there instead.  I get the fact that this was big, catastrophic even... but if we leave it there, it will always be there and it will and can over take our lives.

I've come to the idea of how short life really is.  I want my marriage more than anything, and I will work my tail off to get it right.  I am more fortunate than others with the fact that my wife has the same goals... and 99.999% of the time, we are on the same page.  But if we weren't, there'd be her where she is, me where I am and no joined focus... it just makes a bigger mess ofthings.

I know you can't really tell the true emotions on this thing, but it sometimes seems as if all of this is always at the forefront of every thought.  Until its not, it will always be.  I know there are ways around that... perhaps it is noticing self worth, or the worth others ee in her, but it is there.  I don't know the woman, but I damned sure wish her better than she's got, and I know she deserves it.  PTSD (which I've been diagnosed with) or even a depression disorder keeps the real obvious worth others find in you blocked out.  She has worth... more than she can see now, but its because that this blocks some of it out... (thinking out loud, sorry)

And your situation is a bit sticky too.  I get that.  I come from a tiny family.  Survivors include my mother, my sister and a cousin... My sis is married with 2 kids,and of course Dee Dee and I are married.  Support with what Ive been through or trying to correct is small.  But if they held a grudge or animosity towards Dee Dee, I wouldnt give a damn... SHE is what I want, and they can come around or jump of the bus.... see what I mean.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Personally I have never had issues with the other women other than my Brother's wives and my personal friends.  I usually only felt betrayed by my husband as he was the one who had an obligation to be faithful to me.  (except for those who called themselves "friends" and "family" - I really do feel they let me down too)   Probably the other  "other women" didn't even know he was married but none-the-less they did not know me personally.   I do have a small opinion of women who knowingly cheat with a married man but I did not take those women personally.  

I think often the Wife focuses the hate/blame/anger on the other woman because that's a "safe" place to put it when You are trying to get on in Your relationship with Your Husband.  It doesn't exactly "remove" Your Hubby cuz Wifey still has all the emotional issues to work through but the blame/hate/anger are POWERFUL feelings and it's "somewhat" easier to direct that at the one You're not living with and still trying to have a Future with.

I was not "stalked" by the other woman as lor and DeeDee were and I would see that as particularly difficult but in my situation I DID and DO feel like my Sisters-in-law are still being shoved down my throat in like I would prefer to never see them again.

I no longer feel the PAIN of the infidelity BUT I do not like these people and would prefer not to socialize with them but that's just not to be.  It's kinda, sorta okay in the sense that I am willing on behalf of my Children, Grandchildren, Nieces and Nephews.  Otherwise, it would suit me if these people fell off the face of the earth!  These are not the kind of people I want to be around.  I abhor my ex-husband but I wear my best smile when I have to be around him and I send up thanx that it's not my problem anymore (he's remarried also and he still cheats!!)  

I suspect one of the reasons lor is still in such a difficult place is because She still has  MAJOR ramifications, overwhelmed by the financial losses, the loss of Her home, etc. that's BIG.

[brice1967]

Thanks for the nice words regarding "manning up".  I do love my wife more than anything, and what I did was selfish, completely selfish, and although there are some excuses, there is no excusing infidelity.

I'm going to take a minute and speak on Dee Dee's behalf here.  She looks at the board (sometimes it's too painful to do still, but maybe she can confirm some of this or put her own 2 cents in... I hope she does.)  

Dee Dee does look at the other woman like a "rotten ho bag" and wants to place all of the blame on her, but she knows that I had a hand in this.  I think by her/you wanting to place all of the blame on the ho-bag... it would remove me/your husband from this mess.  The fact is, it really won't.  Dee Dee knows that, you gals do too.  It would be nice if it were that simple.... the person you trusted most, loved the most, did this horrible act, so plopping it in the other persons lap would be able to remove "your knight in shining armor" from the mess......

This ho-bag is everything the other woman in your situation was lor663.  She tried to get my wife in trouble at work, called and sent certified mail regarding the situation to my wifes employers, threatened them that if there was any contact that she'd go after their business licenses, she claimed to be this holy person but proved to be the unholiest...  this woman was and is a sociopath..... and I didn't see it.

The fact of the matter is, the other woman/person in all of these cases is, they aren't free from any blame and certainly am I or anyones spouse who does this.  There is plenty of blame to go around.  It's not funny, but for a lack of other words, Ill use funny.  It is funny that the other person in most of these cases will try to duck any wrong doing and will place "God's will" or "fate" into the equation.  Anything to make them try to look better.

I know that I am a $hit because of this, and I am never going to try to duck that fact.  But the old, good guy-me is still in there, and I am now new and improved.  Better than that, I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to show my beautiful wife that I am the guy she married, and am even better than that guy and working to get better yet.

Everyone on this thread/board has a level of peace that they haven't acquired yet.  Some are further down the road than others, but even they will get to more peaceful spots.  I wish that on the whole lot of you ladies, and any guys out there looking for that peace.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Thank You, specialmom

[specialmom]

Ya know Tinkerbell, a second hats off to you.  You are a very articulate woman that has endured a good deal in your life time.  It sounds like you have sacrificed for others, suffered for others, tried to be good to others.  You obviously have great love for those in your life.  And that is a beautiful thing as important people in your life (your mom, your ex) could have made you bitter.  I at one time viewed you as bitter.  I hope that doesn't make you mad----  you only get snippets from people's posts and it takes time to 'get to know someone'.  I don't think you are bitter.  You have moved on in your life and made it a happy one.  You are not stuck in that place.  The anger is still there and will always be but you even sound less angry as time goes on and more resolved to the fact that he was just an idiot loser.  

I absolutely agree that the turns in life can lead to better places.  Sometimes we have to get out the map and find the way to the better place----  but it is there waiting for us if we make the effort.  Continued peace to you and all who read this.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

thanx for tipping Your hat to me.  It's appreciated.

My brothers are my Little Brothers.  Our alcoholic mother did not beat Them pysically as She did me but the emotional abuse was there for all of us.  I took it upon myself at a very young age to try to "shelter" and "protect" my Baby Brothers the best I could.  Fast forward a few years.  When I learned Their wives had cheated with my husband I was "desperate" to keep it from them.  I wanted to "spare" them the pain I was feeling.  Silly thought maybe, but remember I was still very young myself and "protecting" them was something I had always done.  Fast forward a few more years.  When I left my husband these "rotten ho bags" were worried I might tell my Brothers what they had done so they told them.  Of course my Brothers were deeply hurt but by the time they learned of the indescretions it was "history" to Them, They had Children, etc., so, long story short, They stayed in Their Marriages (kudos to Them).  As a Therapist - You know that while no-one likes or enjoys abuse, some of us do learn to carry on and function when abuse does exist.
At the time, I was FURIOUS that my Sisters-in-law told my Brothers what they had done.  I felt the "sacrifice" I made to "suffer in silence" was made futile by my Brothers having to go through this but I have come since to realize it wasn't my responsibility to spare my Brothers pain - that Their wives should have done that!!
Today my Brothers and I are good.  We've always been close (I'm sure it helps that I haven't been mean to Their wives (rotten ho bags that they are!!)
P.S.
While I have said here that my husband was a "serial cheater" as far as I know my 2 sisters-in-law only cheated on my Brother's the one time they were each involved with my husband.  If there were other cheats on their behalves, I do not know of it.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Thanx for Your Kind and Understanding words.
I still have "somewhat" difficult moments at Family Functions with the presence of the "dog" and the "rotten ho bags" (specialmom taught me those despcriptive words!!) but I LOVE my Other Family Members so I get through it.  My "new" Husband is ALWAYS at my side and He's always incredibly supportive.  My Family loves Him too, so I'm good!!   My first marriage was very destructive but it serves to remind me of my Good Fortune today.  I would go through it again if that were the price I had to pay to have the Relationship I have now.  I really do think things happen for a reason (even hurtful things) - we just are not able to see that when we are in the midst of our pain.
There was a long, long period of time where I thought I could just die but today I feel it was all worth it!!  This kind of pain and destruction is never "over" -  it is part of You forever.  You don't "forget" Your experiences - everything that ever happens is part of who You are.  My biggest Hope in the World right now is (with or without Your present husband) that one day YOU find the Peace and Comfort that I have found.  May You be so blessed one day!!

[lor663]

THE THREAD WAS ON THE OTHER ONE SORRY

[lor663]

Thank you for sharing your story,,my heart goes out to you for your strength and everything you had to overcome and the feelings you still hold on to,IT REALLY IS CRUEL THAT YOUR HUSBAND TREATED YOU THIS WAY,,,and one example how infidelity can destroy a person even after they move forward after years,,You are a strong woman,,you have suffered beyond anything one should have to,,its sick and twisted the way you had to go threw your marriage,,But yet you held your head up and even tho you had to go threw all of this ,,You were the best mom to hold yourself together for your children,,,your story should be a book,,and it would bring alot of light to victems in this situation,,its to bad its a reality of your pain,,but a triumph to finally of some degree move forward,,i can not ever imagine your pain,,and your suffer to a person we think is a humane,,thank you

[lor663]

You made a comment earlier and its gone of this thread now,,You said my husband choose me after the affair,,No my husband choose her,,Thats what an affair is? they choose the other woman over us and are family,,Should us the victems be Happy they stayed after they get caught,,Seriously???DID WE NOT HAVE A SAY,,THE BETTER QUESTION IS ??ARE WE LEAVEING THEM??many husbands stay for several reasons also,,TTINKKERBBELL,husband stayed after repeat cheating ,,should she be HAPPY HE STAYED?????????????????you make it sound like we should be gratefull they go out and cheat and destroy are lives and are values,,are family,s AND WE SHOULD BE GRATEFULL THEY CHOOSE US?????THERE ARE SEVERAL REASONS MEN STAY??AS WOMAN,,SO SUGAR COATING THAT IS WRONG

[specialmom]

Well, I'm glad I could make you laugh!!  Laughter makes life better, for sure.

That would be REALLY hard to act as if they weren't dirty, rotten ho bags.  Hats off to you for being able to do that.

Did your brothers know about their actions?  Ugh.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

You made me laugh, specialmom: "rotten ho bag" is good!! I like it!!

(I still have to be nice to 2 of my personal "ho bags" - as I mentioned earlier they are still married to my Brothers, they are life-time Aunties to my Children, I am a lifetime Auntie to theirs.  I secretly would like to send these 2 where all the other "other women" ought to go but, alas, I am stuck with them - I try to look on the lighter side of this - at least all the OTHER "rotten ho bags" are gone - things could be worse - what if I'd had 3 Brothers!!)

Thanx for the laugh

[specialmom]

I just wanted to give a simple answer to the basic question here-----  I think the vast majority if not all women that have been cheated on (myself included) believe the other woman (and I use that word loosely) is nothing but a rotten ho bag.