Infidelity User Group
What to do now?
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For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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What to do now?

Hi,

I've been married for 10 years. Recently, after my husband and I suffered our first m/c, he began to change drastically. Well after months of extreme behavior change, excessive fighting, staying out of the home for long periods of time he associated with a second job he took and then finally a vacation he took without me to CA, it was discovered he was corresponding with an ex girlfriend who apparently he was going to marry but she wanted to focus more on her career so they went their separate ways. I discovered that they had rekindled some type of relationship after discovering a cellphone secretly hidden within our home. After a call was received and I answered, I eas hung up on. So I approached my husband and he then told me he was talking with an old friend. I've recently discovered she was more than just a friend after having my mil explain to me who this woman really was on relation to my husband. Well, it was given to him as a choice to either participate in marital counseling or another solution would be needed because our household had become one of constant fighting and tension. We have two young children and I did not want this lifestyle prolonged. He denied marital counseling and proposed a separation. I did not object and he has been gone for a few weeks. Communication exists but mostly only in regards to the kids and whenever I try to discuss the situation, he immediately gets defensive and that's that. I feel like my life is in limbo and I don't know what to do next. I am in counseling to help deal with the m/c along with the affects it's had as well as my continued marital disarray! I am numb! I am worn out. I am confused and I am lost! I don't know what the next step should be. Anyone with any advise would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I desperately need some some of direction and I'm finding none with each day that passes. I feel like I'm losing days of my life that I will never get back. Days that's as long as we remain apart and distant, my marriage and it's odds of recovering dwindle more and more. I don't know if he indeed had any sexual relations. He says no. That it was only emotional however I don't even recognize my husband anymore let alone trust a word he says! I don't know if our marriage can be saved. And I sure as heck don't know how this whole separation thing works. Please help me!! I am so lost!
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13 Comments
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1388999_tn?1370046414
Ok now for a start when he calls just hand over to the children do not get into a conservation with him just be cool and polite.

He thinks what ever he does little wifey is sitting there at home waiting.Make sure you are not.This is easy to say and not easy to do but grit your teeth and get angry please do not go down that black hole of hell.

The weaker you are the more he will despise you,do what I did... look in the mirror  what do you see ????what can be improved? too much weight ? lose it ... hair a mess ? get it coloured and ...ITS NOT YOUR FAULT its his ! you do not need a man like that let him go.And thank goodness you found out  now.
Down the line you can start your life again.In the meantime if you are close to your family turn to them for support but please Do not look for sympathy all the time, just get that support and be good to be around .I found out that no one wants to be around sad and unhappy people, their patience will soon  wear thin.

Don't put up with this, you do not deserve this, he will have to pay child support which he should be doing now.

When he next calls apart from acting cool, sound in control strong,  the less you tell him the better, he wont like that ....but non of his business his choice.

He is a male so come to terms with him sleeping with another now  ! one way or another you will be prepared.

Darling don't get sad GET MAD..........

We will be here for you,.. please please be strong.

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Avatar_f_tn
you have been through alot sorry about your mc and this seperation you are going through, it sounds like your husband has sort comfort in this woman which is out of orderhe should be doing it with you supporting you and helping you and himself but he aint so that says it all to me,i would not be sitting around waiting for him to make his mind upon this i would be making his mind up for him.He has refused marriage guidess and refuses to talk to you,just make proper arrangements for himto see the children,arrange child support with himand other shared bills,thenget strong and start to rebuild your life again you will get through it and be happy again,you have wasted enough tears on this man you no longer recognise or trust,go find someone who will make you laugh not cry,let the other woman put up with him,be strong and good luck
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1254989_tn?1290576057
Hi!

Thanks for the words of advice. I'm trying ro be strong. Not let him know how broken I am. Try to act as if I don't care what he does, etc. But he has only been gone for 3 weeks. So this entire process of seperation is completely new. Upon the seperation, it wasn't indicated that it was permanent. As in that's it, we are done, marriage over. It was more like maybe if we had taken some space, we would after some time to ourselves and physical space, be able to start dealing with the problem. This other woman is in CA! We do not live there. So he isn't with her or sleeping with her now! My doubt lies if hw did while there for a vacation that normally we take as a family but it was too soon after the m/c so him and my kids went alone. I don't even know if he saw her in person. He came across a mutual friend who then gave her his contact info. He says he needed someone who provided some positive energy. Not always depressing and down and sad and fighting, etc. To me? That is still a type of affair. I still feel betrayed and that something that should have been between him and I was between him and another woman. Even if just by phone! I have no proof he had physical relations. We live hundreds of miles away. Not even on the same state that the mutual friend was in! I have asked his sister and his mother basically for answers he refused to give. Well, both my sil and mil are no longer who I thought they were either. As they make me feel as if I'm overreacting and the info about her supposedly being the intended first wife, came from my mil in a tone of hurt and anger. I think she told me about her status, to lash out at me. Because she believes I am being too hard on my dh and since the m/c, my relationship with both have dwindled significantly! My sil knew about this phone conversating the whole time! Yet never said a word to me. When approached she said she doesn't understand what the big deal is, they were friends talking on the phone. He needed to talk to somebody about what was going on just as I talk to my friends!! I was appauled! I'm not an insecure or jealous wife! I would have had no problem with him talking to an ex girlfriend had it not been done so deceptively and on regards to a private matter! Am I wrong? He rook the m/c very hard! Like I said, it was completely unexpected and it Devestated us! My thoughts are just everywhere! My therapist is wanting to put me on more medications to combat the anxiety and I refused. I am already on one! I just don't comprehend how someone I spent ten years with can change so quickly and so drastically when it would be expected, even if not right away, that he would eventually come to terms with his trauma from the m/c and then we would deal together with how it has affected our relationship! That never happened. My m/c was in march of this year and it is now sept! How does a good, happy and what I thought was a solid marriage, spiral that quickly down in 6 months?? I can't wrap my mind around it and I just can't seem to be able to "go on with my life", u know? He is my life! He's been my life partner for 10 years! I have gotten angry, oh believe me! I am infuriated at what he has done, his lack of ability to take some responsibility and his refusal to get help! All I can do is try to live my life. Me and the kids lives and put him aside from my day to day living. I just can't believe this is happening! I really can't!
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1254989_tn?1290576057
Thank you for your advice! I know in my heart that I need ro let go in a way. To realize I've done what I could to try and stop the bleeding per se. And his choice rather was to leave. So I am working very hard on staying strong and staying true to myself and not get too wrapped up in how much I miss my marriage. Well what my marriage useto be! He does see the kids. He pays the bills from his own account so, I don't even need arrangements for him to do that. Its already done. He comes to see the kids. More on weekends, when he's not working as much. After the m/c he took a second job which wasn't necessary since we were not in need financially. So he works alot but does see the children fairly about the same time he did when he lived here. You both are right. The only thing I can't help still doing is trying to talk to him. Like I said in my previous reply to seeana, I think I'm in shock! How does ten years get wiped out completely in 6 months? But I am also very much aware at the damage that's been done in just those 6 months. I've been hurt tremendously. Let down. Emotionally unsupported and it baffles me how he has changed so so so much since immediately after the m/c!! Thanks again for your advise and it makes perfect sense what y'all are saying. I guess it's just going to take time for me to digest it all.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have been there. My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker, Same thing, phone calls, text messages.  I know they did not sleep together b/c there was never time but I am sure they thought about it. Something he denies but.... . The difference is he eventually was willing to be honest with me and to do what ever it took to work out our relationship. You need to work on getting yourself in a good place for now. Maybe he will come around and maybe not but you need to worry about you and your children right now.
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145992_tn?1341348674
I'm sorry for your hurt and pain.  My fiance had a long term emotional and physical affair and so I totally understand how you feel.  We worked it out through counseling but I suffered for the actions anyway.  Yes, I kept my relationship but it was at a price.  We will never be the way we used to be and I accept that.  You often don't know who they are and wonder if your entire relationship was a lie.  All I can say is keep up with therapy.  It will help you get through it all.  Time is the only thing that will help you.  You may never get the answers you need from him so you will have to just stay strong for yourself.  Let him see that your life is yours and you are in control of your own happiness.  He thinks he makes the decisions here, well you be the one to show him that you will not take his sh!t.  Can you let him see the kids without being around?  I'm sure it's harder having to see him, even if it is for a few hours.  I don't know how anyone can just abandon their family like that.  I've never even thought about it.  You will go through a lot of different emotions.  Some days you will be angry, some sad, some fine, but it will probably be awhile before you feel "normal" again.  I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better but I know there isn't.  I just would like to offer you support.  
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Avatar_f_tn
My Heart is Heavy for You - We have All taken this Journey & We Feel Your Pain.

This probably wasn't as Sudden as it seems to You right now.  There's Denial in all Things & We want to see the Good in EveryOne/EveryThing so We "overlook" a lot of Signs that "Things" are not quite "Right".

I believe One can make Life Style changes (lose weight, quit smoking, etc.) but I don't think People change Character.

Morals and Standards are a Character Issue & I don't believe One flip-flops Character.  You Have it or You Don't (character).  If it's above one's Morals and Standards to be Unfaithful, well then, one just isn't Unfaithful !!  IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE !!

You will have to find Your Own way of course but Know that if You stay in Your Marriage things are Forever Changed!!   From Here on Out You will be Insecure, Distrustful, Deeply Hurt, etc., etc.  BUT...

In Spite of what He's Done You will be Expected to Swallow YourSelf, to keep Your HeartAche & Mistrust & Insecurity to YourSelf as You shouldn't Do or Say Anything to make Him feel bad.  This is next to Impossible but it's whats Expected in spite of what He's done !!  It's Still a Man's World (my words drip with sarcasm here but it's the truth!!)

Stay in Counseling and Do EveryThing You can to get Strong - You will need Strength whether Your Marriage Survives or Not.

Good Luck To You
TTinKK





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1388999_tn?1370046414
Men are so different to woman I think his grief ended quicker than yours maybe.Now whenever he was with you it made him remember the loss he simply could not take it.

He is not strong enough his grief has now moved on to anger and resentment, that is part of the grieving process sometimes.
So who can he take his anger out on ??? only one perso......YOU  the trouble is you cant fight back not how you are, you are poor value so he becomes  more resentful and he has to get away to escape those memories as every time he See's you and is near you it comes flooding back he simply cannot cope.

Just like my ex he could not cope with our daughters dissability and her deep distress... he ran away also my daughters husband he also ran away, these are weak men.They put themselves first and a lot of guys are like that,but just as many are strong and will stand by your side through thick and thin.

Your in laws have only heard his side of the story and of course blood is thicker than water so they say.They would have giving him sympathy and support which makes him think he is right of course.
The right thing to do is stay right out of it or give him a kick up the bum and tell him to go home to his family.
Those  woman are not very bright don't they see they could lose their grandchildren if you move further away but the pack habit is so strong in in some stupid families they just cant think! haven't got the brains they were born with.

You will be well rid of them... my daughter Bev had a mother and sister in law to contend with as well in fact mother ran the show but they have lost their granddaughter Tara as she hates what they did to her beloved mum.Boy talk about evil walks this way.

The last time they saw her was 3yrs ago as Bev is now far away stupid is not the word for it.
If you can somehow get your priorities right it will be up to you what the future holds !

Somehow you have to...if not it could impact on your children for life .
Its time to move on you must concentrate on the living you know you must, we are on this world but once grab it with both hands ....if you do you might find your husband on the doorstep but you might find things will never be the same again they cant be for you! not to him or his GRRRRRRRRR family.

But one thing i will tell you is.... it will make you a stronger  and bit more cynical person nobodies fool....
Which is good.Take control of your self darling you can do it I promise you.
Look at this wonderful world we live in look at your children's faces their loyalty and love is worth a Kings ransom you are truly blessed, remember they will be by your side as you go forward bit by,remember ....when the going gets tough the tough get going.

Its in your hands its all up to you make the choices that are best for you and your children.We will all be here giving what support we can.xxxxxxxxx
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1254989_tn?1290576057
Thank you so much for all your encouraging words. Also for your amazing words of advice!! Reading what you all have written has made me feel very warm and comforted inside! Alittle less lost and lot more calm. To know I am not the only one and to be able to shed some light on things that simply baffle me. I appreciate everyones support as I do not have family to give that to me! Sadly, my family and I are not close at all. His family, ironically, was what I considered my family! And it is true that they have def steppes up to defend him while making me feel like I'm the one who did something wrong! It is so very true that things will NEVER be the same. I realized this even before he left. Everything I thought I knew, believed in, counted on, trusted in and had so much pride in, is forever changed. I'm leaning more towards the recognition that I cannot accept it as a way of living but as you've said, time will tell. Ten years a very long time to be with someone. So I've realized also that within this time I lost a sense of self. I was his wife, the mother of his children, etc. Now I am trying to find on replacement of being HIS wife, now I am simply me. My thought process is jumbled as I still function and think at times as not one person but as a couple! You are also right that it is hard seeing him when he comes to see the children and I'm finding the more I begin to realize things, the harder it is to be around him. So I will haveto put more thought into placing myself around him where it's begun to weigh on me when I see him. It's going to be a long and hard road however this turns out. I know that. It scares me. Overwhelmes me. Worries me. BUT I am at least aware and am trying to just work on me getting stronger and hope that whatever happens, I can handle it properly. My children remarkably, are okay! They talk about him being gone and there have been a few nights of tears before bed but it hasn't seemed to drastically affect them as I thought it would. Hopefully it is because they are okay and not because they are holding it in and worried to let it out! My kids didn't deserve this. I didn't either. And I've begun to reflect back and am starting to see bits and pieces as to what your saying about not seeing things prior and thinking it just happened so quickly! You guys are all incredible with your insight...you all nailed on the head, exactly so many things that are happening, that I'm feeling and what is in need of doing!! Thanks again SO MUCH to you ALL!!!  
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Avatar_m_tn
I think there is a lesson within all of this, and I dont want to sound hypocritical as I was the cheater in my marriage.  The lesson is, regardless of what happens to the marriage, you can come out on the other side a much stronger person!  Different, very different but also stronger!

All of the women on this board are commendable.  They have found the strength to move on.  Some have chosen different directions, but have done so with more insight and knowledge.  They have learned to protect themselves, protect their trust, trust their instinct and rediscover their self worth.  It does take time.  To learn to trust again, and at what level as to not leave yourself as vulnerable is necessary, but its doable!

Although I was the cheater, I came to this board looking for insight and help and recieved a ton of positive feedback and even some constructinve criticism.  For that, I am truly greatful.

I now fully know the devastation an affair can have.  Never thought I'd put my wife through that, but did.  I also know that in time, things will heal.  The scars will remain, but life will go on.  Whether we decide to stay and work on the marriage, or to move on alone, it can be done.

And for my wife, words cannot express my sorrow for putting you through this and words cannot express my appreciation for you allowing me to remain in your life.  Our relationship will be different, but different for the better.  
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1388999_tn?1370046414
I know it looks like only woman are cheated on in this forum but as we all know the men are also victims too of their wives having an affair.

My partner of 6 months had that done to him when he was married and he was devastated, the men can not seem to be able to talk about it like we do and are apt to blame themselves....often the result is impotency which affects about 30%of all males over the age of 55yrs in Aus and about  80% of that is mental.
My guy was one of them when I met him, he is ok now.(a dirty job but someone had to do it) oboy and how lol.
I feel for you a bit brice as you are the only regular guy on here and as  one of the FORMER perpetrators that sets you apart ....so every time one of the ladies cries out in pain a part of you feels responsible YOU ARE NOT .so please do not take that on board as well.ok !!
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Avatar_f_tn
i too know what it is like to be cheated on,but i have learnt to forgive my husband i will never forget,but i have come through the other side and we are happy again it took along time,my husband hates himself more than i ever could for what he done,i still gets my days when  hate him stupid lttle thoughts goes through my head but i do deal with them alot easier now.Too be honest i wish affairs just didnt exsist,but i also wish my husbans would come on here like yourself and just read some of these posts to see what hurt is caused by his or hers actions.
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Avatar_f_tn
HopeFully there is some Comfort in knowing You are NOT Alone - regardless of how We each ultimately dealt with Our Own situation, the Injury to all of Us is Mutually Shared.

I wish You didn't have reason to be here BUT, that being said:  Welcome Aboard.
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