Infidelity User Group
When does the pain stop
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For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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When does the pain stop

Well, I have not been on in awhile, but I am having a really hard time this week. You see it is two years ago last week that Joe and his co- worker started their little emotional tryst. Yes it only lasted two months but after 19 years of marriage we cant say " well two months of infidelity out of 19 years is nothing." We have been doing well but I always struggle at this time of year. Everything we do I think Oh yea two years ago while we were here he was really with her in his mind. This really *****! I do not want to say anything to him because I did last year and he ended up confiding in a client ( female) that could have gone the same way. IT didn't thank God but still. It hurt like heck. Like the other night we were at a soccer game ( one of the kids) he was up in car on his phone. I felt sick. B/c two years ago that is what would happen. So I sit there and think okay I know he is not. There are no signs and he is so attentive and a totally different person. Then he comes down and sits with me and my phone rings it is my son in the marines. He said " mom is dad there we were just on phone but got cut off. " I am relieved but mad at myself for feeling this way. Friday we have to be in two places at once so he is going to take our son to soccer game and I will take the others to the balloon rally. But then here I go again. Well two years ago we went together but I went off with kids and he was texting her the whole time! UGH! I have been fine. I hate this. But at least it is not like in the beginning. I felt like this all the time not just for a few weeks. I just hate this. I wish I can just shake it! I have to constantly make the choice to push it away but I do not even want to have to make that choice. I wish it were not on my mind.
Tags: emotional
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6 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey Bridget, I commented on this on another thread.  A couple of other things came to mind when I saw your post here and I thought I'd throw them out there for you to look over.

Something that Dee Dee often thinks about is this.  "I can be right or I can be happy".  "I can be mad or I can be happy."  There really is a lot to that statement.  I can tell by looking at her when she is genuinely relaxing, and that is relaxing to me as well.  I know that she has decided to not let those feelings or voices dictate how or what she is going to feel at that particular time.

Nothing Joe says or does is going to take what happened away.  Nothing!  We know it doesn't happen that way.  And you're damned right there are going to be tough or rough days.... but you can get control of those things by not focusing on the bad.  

(I know this coming from me might seem like some kind of hog wash.)  Transplant the bad times and thoughts with all of the good that is happening now.  Look at the love, look at the truth.... it is right there in front of you, now make it happen.  You do have to put the effort in, and that kind of sux too.  But one thing I referred to in the other post is complacency.... I think a lot of times when things are going well, or when they have been going well, we take the focus off of what is actually happening.  The past has happened.... its over and we cant change it.  The now is happening now and we can either destroy it or enjoy it.

Life is so short Bridget.  You guys have been through so much together, both good, bad and indifferent.  You are both stronger for it.  

(On a silly side note, Dee Dee and I were at a yard sale this morning and a guy asked, "How long have you 2 been married?"  19 years I said without a pause.  (Dee Dee was looking at me though to "make sure" I got it right.... nailed it as usual, but here's the kicker.  The guy said something like "its obvious that the two of you belong together".  I told him thanks and that we felt the same way.  As soon as we got back in the Jeep, Dee Dee jokingly said "did you pay him to say that?"  There was no way I did that..... but I have to tell you that it made my day.  (Hers too!)  It told me that a lot of the tension is gone.....)
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Bridget it does take time.  Trust me, I once felt like you did.  I'm at almost 3 years past the infidelity and let me tell you, it's a completely different feeling.  To be honest, I rarely think about his cheating.  I thought I would never get here, I always thought I would look at pictures and remember what he did.  I used to, but I don't anymore.  Why I don't is because there is no point.  I decided to stay with him, I decided to give our relationship a chance and that's what I have been doing.  He's not with her, hasn't been with her in 3 years and won't ever be with her again.  I don't want to constantly think about her, she's insignificant in our relationship.  She was a speed bump, an obstacle, a hurdle.  She has no real meaning any longer.  You have to always keep that in mind when your mind wanders.  You can't control Joe and what he does.  So no point in worrying about the ifs.  All it will do is bring you anxiety and cause a fight within yourself.  Do you want to feel that way?  I sure as heck hated those feelings.  I'm not saying that I trust 100%, because I honestly don't think the trust comes back to 100% but I do trust Richie enough where I don't feel like I have to check up on him.  I go out with my friends, he even works as a bouncer for a lounge on Friday and Saturday nights.  I have no cares about it.  The ball is in his court to walk the straight and narrow.  He knows what he would risk losing if he were to do anything.  That responsibility is on him to do the right thing.  It will get easier.  By 3 years, it will feel like it's more in the past.  The fear and hurt does fade.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks mami, I really think it is due to the time of year it is, b/c it was not bothering me for such a long time and then bam!  Here it is again. It is not as bad though so you are right. I believe in time It will be a distant memory. And I must say it really did help us in the area of communication , we have also learned how to fight fair and how to prioritize. So good did come from it. Not that the situation was good but we did learn some lessons.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey Guys!  I haven't beenon for ages.  I have to say, Bridget - I am not completely out of the woods with all of this, but I am getting so much better.  Just reading this post got me a little shaky.  If I were to give any advice it would be this.  

Leave the past in the past, and focus on the present!  

It's not always easy, but I know you can do it.  Brice helps me by leaving frequent love notes, or texting me when we're apart.  Often these will jerk me back into the here and now when I'm starting to slip.  The other night, I came home, and my entire side of the bed was covered with little post-it size notes that said just "I love you" in his handwriting.  It was amazing.  Wish we could have gotten here through a different path, but the important thing is, we're here.

It is easier now for me to say, "Hey, I need a little support right now, I was thinking about . . . whatever."  He doesnt' get scared or defensive anymore, so that helps.  

If you and your husband have True Love, and I believe you do, then you will come out on the other end.  I wish I could be sure I would never feel the pain again, but I'm not, but for right now, the "medicine" seems to lie in focusing on the positive of right now.  

Good Luck!  

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Avatar_m_tn
Crap! That last post was me, DeeDee - our computer always takes us automatically to his account!  
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Avatar_f_tn
You said its been 2 years,,its been 4 years for me,,Really it never goes away,,you dont fight you move on ,,But reality i believe is you never move on unless you leave them and start a new life,,and still some way im sure the thought would go along with you because of the cheater,,That just me,,but its been 2 years for you and alot more for me and others,,i think we deal with it but think about it in silence but yet we no on the outside life goes on,,and so must we,,but for me its always a thought at some point in my mind every single day,,we have to admit they changed and they changed us
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