Infidelity User Group
Where is everyone ??????
About This Group:

For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
87 members
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Where is everyone ??????

Hi it looks like everyone is scattered to the four winds ....does that mean that everything is resolving its self or that the pain of others is getting too much to bear !!
If its the latter it would not surprise me as when infidelity rears its ugly head the problems seem very similar....the scary thing is that the cheating males seem very much alike (no not you Brice you are different).

You know how they breed out faults with animals ..........worth a thought lol.
12 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks seeana.  Dee Dee and I are still plugging along.  More better days than bad, so thats a positive.  

I cant believe how common place the act of infidelity is.  I cant remember what the stats are, but they are astronomical!  It doesnt make me feel better about what I did though.  I know that this is the worst thing that I ever could have done, and I'll never forget it.

Hope all is well with you and yours.  The board has been a bit quiet, hasnt it?
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Avatar_f_tn
It has I check it daily and was shocked that no one was on. My life has been completlely insane  but through it all Joe has been such a support to me, even when I have lashed out at him. You guys will never know what a help and support you are to me, Thank you all so much!
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Avatar_m_tn
Still around, but finding little time to spend here I'm afraid!  Busy at work, busy getting ready for Christmas, busy looking after kids 'cos my (sort-of-ex-)wife has a lot of work on at the moment (she works from home, often evenings), and busy renovating my new home so I can move into it!

The new home is going to be great, but I'm now estimating mid-Jan before it's ready.  Meanwhile I'm still in the old family home.

Starting to get more doubtful about how this is going to play out.  My wife and I have been getting on really well together recently; meanwhile it sounds like she's getting rather fed up with the boyfriend/lover/whatever.  He's a selfish, inconsiderate a*hole, I've always realised that, I think she knew it too but before it didn't matter, now it's really bugging her.  I'd have laid good money that the relationship wouldn't last if he moved to our town and they saw each other more often, but I wouldn't have predicted it'd be turning sour so soon.  Meanwhile, as the reality of me leaving gets closer, the idea that I really will be walking out and this will be the end of us is sinking in and upsetting her.

I remain prepared to work on fixing our marriage, if she is.  I decided to move out because I gave up on her ever deciding that we were fixable, and that she was prepared to do what it took to fix us.  Has it taken me buying and renovating a house, and setting a move-out date, to call her bluff and for her to realise we have something worth saving?  Or is it really all over?  I dunno.  Maybe it'll take until I meet someone else for her to realise what we've lost, and by then it'll definitely be too late.
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I wonder if you could ever trust her again Sammy...also it seems to me you are letting her get away with having an affair under your nose.

Does she know that you will get back with her if this affair does not work out for her ?????gosh I hope not as that means she can break your heart, abuse your trust and you will be waiting for her whenever she wants you back.!!!

Sorry hon your EX ....wife to be makes my blood boil  ! you deserve so much better.
How can you still be in the same house knowing she is sleeping with this other guy in reality it must be hell on earth for you.

Look how Brice is trying his heart out to regain that  trust ...would she do that ? you seem to be making it so easy for her to return,I just think you should not be a walkover.

Remember things are so much more valued if you have to work hard to get them.

Just be happy sweet guy.
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Avatar_f_tn
I notice You describe the "boyfriend/lover/whatever"

as "a selfish, inconsiderate, a*hole"

Doesn't that describe Her as well?? as pertains to what She is doing to Her Family??  

Just saying....
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Avatar_m_tn
Could I ever trust her again?  Maybe not, but I would be willing to try, if she was.  There were moments during this whole saga when she was doing stuff behind my back, but not for that long, and she did initiate the discussions that this had been going on - it was never up to me to catch her out.  The fact that I did not walk straight out of the door was my decision, my choice to stay knowing what she was doing and when, it was not her doing stuff behind my back.

She did, pretty much right at the beginning, state that she no longer loved me, that she considered our relationship over.  Basically, I'm dumped.  That having been declared, she was free (so she considered) to pursue whatever relationships sexual/emotional/whatever she wanted - she wasn't obliged to stay faithful to me, because our relationship was over.  If I chose to stay around while that was happening, that was my issue, although she was very happy that I did, because we remained good company for each other, and it made both of our lives a lot easier with bringing up kids, with money, with everything to do with running a house and a family.

There were a couple of occasions during all this that we did try again to be a proper couple, and yes, on both occasions she did start cheating again before telling me and re-dumping me.

Of course, I stayed around hoping that she'd get over this craziness, get past this mid-life crisis or whatever it was, and it wouldn't be too late, too much damage done to repair and rebuild.  But during most of this time our relationship was Officially Over (whatever I might have been hoping for), so who she did what with was, technically, none of my business.

Yeah, it is pretty unpleasant knowing when she's with him.  It used to be utter hell, it's not so bad now, maybe I'm just used to it, or numbed to it.  Maybe I've just turned off many of my feelings for her so I don't care so much now, and maybe that will mean our relationship is beyond repair from my side too.

Whatever happens, I'll be OK.  In all liklihood I'll move out in a months time when my new house is ready, I'll have my work, my sport/social life, I'll still spend more than enough time with my kids, one day maybe I'll be ready to meet someone else.  That's not a bad future.  If, and it's a small chance, she does come to her senses, and if we do try again, and if we both manage to put what's happened behind us, and if we both manage to rekindle the loving feelings we once had, then that would also be great.  But I'm not holding my breath.
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Avatar_f_tn
My Heart is Heavy for You.  I'm deeply touched by what You express here.  You know, sammy - I appreciate Your Devotion and Love for her BUT keep in mind there are 600 million people in this world - that means there is way more than one person out there who You could be in love with and there is most definitely someone out there who would appreciate Your Dedication to a Relationship.  Good Luck on Your Future.

P.S.
Personally I have a problem with the excuse of "midlife" crisis.  I feel infidelity is a character issue - after all, we, everyone of us, go through "midlife" - many of us don't use that as a "reason" or "excuse" to cheat.
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I bet when you move out she will want you back.Remember what I said ..you will be more valued if she has to fight hard for you.

How could she treat you like this ??? remember you have tried before you have become like an old pair of shoes to her ....always there for comfort,  backup then discard when she gets bored.

She simply has lost all respect for you ...like a child she needs you to be strong and not let her walk all over you.

Get on with your life !! you only have one you know ....find a lovely lady who will love the man that you are.... you deserve some happiness in this life.

SO get off your bum and get out there because if you hang around for this woman you are a glutton for punishment Stop being the victim.AND START SAYING NO.
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Avatar_m_tn
Tink - I'd certainly agree that a mid-life crisis is no excuse, in that it does not make what she (or anyone else) did acceptable, or even make it understandable or forgivable.  Nevertheless, I do recognise that as being a cause, or at least a contributing factor.  It did give me cause to think it was possible she'd come through the other side and realise what she was in danger of losing, realise that I did mean more to her than she had thought, and that if that did happen our marriage wouldn't already be so far destroyed as to be beyond rescue.  Yeah, it turns out that was a folorn hope, but I don't regret taking that chance, despite what it has put me through.  I'd rather have taken that chance and failed, than spent the rest of my life wondering if we could have been saved if only I'd taken the chance.

Meanwhile, I'm cheering myself up by buying myself a new toy - a (20-year-old and rather obscure) sports car!  Yeah, yeah, classic mid-life crisis, just-split-up-from-wife cliche I know.  At least, it would be if I hadn't been driving various cheap-ish, classic sports cars since I was 25, but this will be the fastest and sleekest yet.  And I've managed to avoid developing a paunch or losing any hair (so far), so I won't look quite such a mid-life crisis driving it as certain others of my acquaintance do!
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Good on you for treating yourself....dont forget the Cravat and  the Handlebar mustash.
Sort of like a yound Donald Sinden.

Makes me think of a Lamb in Wolfs clothing..... bless you.
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Avatar_f_tn
ABSOLUTELY I AGREE - You have to have hope and You have to try to repair - I only meant once You have done that and all efforts have failed sometimes we just have to move on.  I myself stayed in an on-going cheating relationship for 15 years.  It took that long for me to realize there was something wrong with him and that maybe it wasn't my shortcoming after all that caused the constant infidelities (he was a "serial" cheater).  And believe me my esteem/confidence/security (you name it) took a huge beating!!

Have fun with the car!!  See what I mean?  There ARE more productive, less hurtful ways to deal with "mid-life" crisis' !!  Good Luck to You
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey Seeana and All,

I am here and alive. I have just been busy- I travel for work.

sammy73, just do what is best for you. If you leave do it for you with no expectations of anyone else. That is what I have found that  I have to do and I have started to do.

You can't make people love you ( as my husband once told me-he later apologized for. I accepted his apology, but hell it is out there isn't it- can be taken  back or erased), or behave the way we would want them too.

Only buy the care if you can really afford it. Beyond that , I say, enjoy the H-e-l-l out of it.  Get some shades. Even get a new look- go shopping. I have no idea what your physical build is, but  get into shape if you need to - just take care of you. When she realizes what she lost- emotionally , physically and fiancially, she will be running to your doorstep.

Once again, I am taking my own advise.  I am only caring about me because the "me" really needs to heal. I personally, refuse to go crazy and turn prematurely gray because of all this.

What else can I say, " this too shall pass", and "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" ,Friedrich Nietzsche .

Passion


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