Infidelity User Group
the ups and downs
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For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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the ups and downs

How does everyone cope with the ups and downs concerning repairing a marriage thats been affected my an affair?
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145992_tn?1341348674
I really don't know what to say because it really isn't something that you can control.  Until you are more capable of controlling your thoughts, you are really victim to it.  I guess my fiance would apologize as much as he could.  Made me feel like he was really sorry for what he did.  I don't think it made me feel much better though because I had to deal with all the steps of grieving.  He dealt with it the best he could and I learned how to find an outlet for my hurt, anger and disappointment in other ways.  I started working out, I started journaling.  Time really is the only thing that helped.
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Avatar_f_tn
She said it all. There will be ups and downs. So many emotions. One day you think your going to make it and the next you wonder if you can go on. On those days I needed Joe to reassure me he was in it for the long haul. Even when I wanted to run. I am sure there were days he wanted to. I did not make it easy but like he said the least he could do was be there for me seein he caused the pain.
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Hi, this is Joe, Bridget's husband.She let me read what has been going on with you in hopes that I would be able to relate. Our situations are a bit different but in many ways the same. A year ago I got caught up in an emotional relationship with a co- worker but ended it before it became physical. At the time I was thinking more of myself then anyone else. Bridget and I were busy doing our own things and I was kind of flattered that a woman 16 years younger then I was attracted to me. During that time it made me forget all about everything that was going on in my life at home with all the stress of raising a family, paying bills, sick children and such.  The only way I can describe it is like someone drinking to forget or drown their sorrows. This gave me an outlet.  It made me feel guilty at times but also good at times to have someone to listen to me and build up my ego. She made me feel important and needed. I decided on a Thursday to cut it off ( just before Bridge and I went on vacation with the family) . I thought about telling Bridget, but didn't want to hurt  her I knew she would be very upset. At the time Bridget was talking to her ex on line and had told me about it, I kind of brushed it off and encouraged it and I guess it made me feel  justified in my actions. I realize now I was letting him meet a need in her that I should have been meeting.   I now find that talking and communication every day is very important in a relationship. Bridget found a text message on our way on vacation and that is how she found out. It was hard at first. She was angry at first and very hurt and disappointed, up and down emotionally all the time. We had some real bad fights. When she first found out I felt like a jerk  and was very compassionate but as time went on and she would lash out I got angry and protective. Things were said on both parts that should not have been said. We were very close to separating but with four kids I knew that would devastate them and deep inside I loved Bridget even when she didn't believe me at the time. I latter realized that it was going to take more then a day to get over the pain of what I had done. I knew I had to change and be the leader in my house with my attitude and deeds. Slowly rebuilding her trust for me. It was not always easy she really let me have it at times even physically would go after me. I realized at that point how hurt she was and how much she really did love me. We still have our moments but much better then before. I guess i just had to let her vent, bite my tongue and love and hold her. I realized if I just let her get it out with out getting angry the pain would not last as long but if I would become defensive it would make it worse.  We realized if we text our feelings, or chat on Fb, or even talk in a dark room where we could not see body language or expressions things went much better seeing we are both very passionate people. ( Things could get really heated) . And at the same time I had to deal with my sorrow and condemnation which made me feel less of a man then I use to be. You always prided myself on being a faithful and committed husband. And at first even felt this was not big deal because it was not physical but realize it caused just as much pain as if it were. I was letting someone else emotionally take her place.
Emotional relationships can at times be worse then physical.  The thing is I have to see this woman everyday and I know that bothered Bridget in the beginning.  I know feel good about myself slowly knowing that I can be strong and not allow it to take place in my thoughts each day. I have to go above and beyond with Bridget to make her feel secure but I expect that  and I actually enjoy it. We have rekindled our relationship and it is even better then before. Start out by doing just the little things like a card, flowers, helping around the house, a note ( works great)  pouring her coffee and just being there. I call her during the day. She would check my cell records and question everything I did, which bothered me in the beginning but now I could care less because there is nothing to hide. I bothered me because I felt she did not trust me but realized she couldn't. I had to earn it back.

During our fights I would feel like she was crazy because she acted it, but I am the one who caused it, she did have to get help to deal with the stress and that has helped alot ( medication for stress) but the biggest help has been our making time for oneanother and talking things out. Feel free to talk anytime. Good luck!
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Avatar_m_tn
Joe, thank you for your time sir and your advise will be closely regarded.  I just dont know how to endure this.  Nothing is working.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Believe me, I've been there. For me I realized that I was the one that caused the problem so I should endure what she gave out, Not that she was right in the way she handled it believe me but what did  I think was going to happen? But at that time I wasn't thinking about anyone but me.

If you truly are sorry and repentant for what you did and you truly love your wife and want to work it out you can endure this, It's not easy and it takes time. A lot of time. Find an outlet for yourself, like running or something if possible. We both attend church and found that is our greatest strength, We talked with the pastor and do devotions and pray together in the mornings now, It may sound funny but it really has drawn us closer.  I hate to say this but you kind of have to grin and bare it! I mean I did blow at times because it seemed a constant bringing up of the situation and I just wanted to let it go but in order for her to heal she needed to bring it up. It caused many fights, many I could not win, I would blow up but in the end all I could do was hold her and let her deal with it in her way. I think b/c of the kids we would stop fighting b/c it was really upsetting them. I think if you search deep enough in your heart you'll find the strength  to bare it and the answers to why this happened.
At this point there has to be nothing but complete honesty b/c they can see when we are fake and trying to cover and make excuses for our mistakes,  She needs to know you are hurting just like she is.
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Avatar_m_tn
I know what you mean Brice.  Over the last couple of years it's varied, some times have been steady-ish, some have been really up and down and very hard to handle.  There were downs that were pretty much unbearable.

Try and stay focussed on the long-term.  You know what you want, where you want to get to, and when you have a bad patch keep telling yourself that you are heading in the right direction, but this is one of the prices you have to pay to get there, you'll get through it and tomorrow you won't feel so bad, and ultimately you'll be glad you put up with it and hung in there.

(In the interests of full disclosure, I should state that I never did get to where I wanted to be, and have finally accepted that my marriage can't be saved.  But I'm still glad I went through all those tough times, because I know I didn't leave my marriage until I'd tried everything I could to save it.)

I don't know about you, but I started to be able to recognise when a bad patch was looming.  I could feel the unhappiness building, I would be thinking all the time about the bad stuff that had happened and how badly it affected me, usually up to a couple of days before it really hit me.  I've started to manage these times with distraction, stuff that keeps my mind busy and occupied so I don't have time to dwell on what's getting me down.  For me it's keeping busy with sports or hobbies, watching stuff on TV that gets me really involved, even when I'm driving I put on music that gets me fired up, or comedy that I focus on listening to, so I don't have time to sit and get depressed.  Go to bed tired, or read until I am, so I don't lie awake for too long with nothing but my thoughts.

I hope some of this helps!
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Avatar_f_tn
I guess I am going to have to set up an account for Joe LOL! I had him get on to read Brice's  post hoping he could help him in some way. Honestly, it was kinda nice to read how he felt beside him just telling me. I guess that sounds stupid but it did make me cry.

Sammy I could not have been as strong as you are. I was a basket case and Joe's affair only went on for a month.  I hope you find someone real special. Some one who will truly appreciate you for who you are not only for what you do,.

Brice, I know this is hard. I do not know how your wife is but I  know I really wanted to  to work things out with Joe but then I would think about what he did,  Like while I was busting my butt preparing for our sons graduation party and he was off  visiting with the bimbo. I had called him 3x telling him how stressed out I was and how I needed help but he was to busy supposedly at the demo with our son ( son was there but sitting with his friends) and Joe was visiting with her. Things like that and it would **** me off. Or how I was decorating for my parents reception and he was home texting her while he was watching our youngest son. I would get all mad and lash out on him. I was mean. I was hurt and wanted him to hurt just as badly. I did not realize he was hurting too until I read your posts on how you felt. If you really want to work this out please give her some time . It will get better. We still have our blow ups about it. Just not as frequent.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks again to both you and Joe.  Our issues are so similar to yours.  My wife was busting her hind end working when I was with the tramp.  Before she actually found out the whole story, she would constantly tell me how stressed out she was, and I was completely missing what she was saying.  I am trying to learn how to read into what she is saying these days and am having a small bit of success with it.  I would imagine that will improve when my "hearing" skills improve.

On a lighter note, we ditched the kids with friends and ran out of town for the night on Tuesday.  WE had an incredible time!  We did talk about the thing, but not at great lengths and with absolutely no heat.  I do think some ground was made, but better than that we had a blast!  I am super thankful that we had the opportunity to do that.  (We work opposite schedules and have for the length of our marriage....hopefully I will be changing my days off to relate with hers.)  We've decided that we arent going to let opportunity like this past Tuesday and Wednesday pass us by anymore.  There are tons of things we can do, some for little or no cost at all, and we plan on doing that!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
That is great to hear. Joe and I do the same now. We made it a point to start dating again. It is so much fun. We are trying to make good memories to replace the bad ones! I just want you to know that even though it has been a year for Joe and I, you have helped me so much. Just reading your side and your post have helped me to stop focusing so much on how I feel and consider how he does. Thank you.
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Avatar_m_tn
Im glad to hear that I've helped.  I want to thank the both of you too!  I think hearing another perspective of somebody else who's gone through the same battle does help a ton.  

I know that hearing what you've felt has put alot into perspective as to how I see my wife and what she is dealing with.  I've known all along that I was the cause of all of this, and knew that there would be some rocky roads ahead.  What Ive learned from the two of you is not so much the time frame, but more about strategy.  You guys and mami have been instrumental in our success so far, and I do really appreciate youre help and willing ear to twist when I need it.   :)
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1306053_tn?1323957610
Wow!  It is so amazing to see all the camaradarie on here!  Thanks everyone, for all your help.  I am very determined to save my marriage.  Brice and I have been through so much together!  We have built an amazing family, a truly beautiful relationship, and many, many friends in our small community.  I can't imagine life without him.  As hard as it is, I know this experience is going to be the stepping stone to a stronger, more loving relationship, where both of us are always "present".  It is so touching to see the time and thought all of you have put into helping us.  I am truly grateful.  
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145992_tn?1341348674
No relationships are perfect.  There is always a hurdle to overcome.  You guys love each other and are recommitting to one another.  That means a lot.
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Avatar_f_tn
First i would like to say hello to mami,its been awhile,also its been almost 3 years now and i still have not gotten over the affair,it feels the same today as the first day,,its just i feel more and more discust as i go along,,every day is a struggle,some say im hard headead,but i just feel stupid,im not insecure cause i really dont give,,im with him but dont trust him and not even sure im here still for all the right reasons,,like new start being alone,etc,,he shows much love more than ever,but i always have the thoughts of all the lies and munipulation and shame he displayed towards me,,im here in body but my heart is lost to all of it,,,my days are harder and harder and memories never fade,found out more and more about the affair as i whent along to further discust and even confirm more lies and betrayel,,i think i have a love hate thing going,but also no i would be very tempted to be with some one else,,but to be hear,,exactly how do you get over an affair,,as some are way more damaging then others,,if i had the answer i would not be here and would have gotton over it,,
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Avatar_f_tn
I have been worried about you, Have not head a peep from you in  a long time, I am so sorry things are still not going well for you, I know it is hard, Have you seen a councilor yet? How are the kids doing?
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes its been a while,kids are good thanks for asking,i have not been to a councilor,,but had to say one of the hardest thing to enter a relationship is an affair,,if you had read my posts earlier it was way more than an affair,,it was financial also,and court from them for harrasment,i spent a year back and fourth in court from the misstress and her ex,,while i was inocent but yet punished for harrasment,at my work and home,,it was pretty bad,and all i ever did was go to work,raise the kids,and gave trust even when i believed all his lies and excuses,so ya who is stupid,me oviously,i have attempted to leave many times ,,but he begged me and the kids also,so it always broke my heart to leave,,i will never get over it i believe anyways,the memories of all the humiliation and lies courts and stuff,i have emotionaly suffered so severly its sad,,and to think he had done all of that for a woman he just met and no longer to be with,,so i must not have meant that much to him to risk it all,also he got caught so,,not like he ended it befor he got caught,i look at him and all i see is lies and betray,its still sickening,i believe every affair is different,,reasons etc,,but this was just pure selfish,alot of people have affairs but do they invole there own children and finances,,thanks
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hey my husband done it too me 3 years ago,it is the worst gut renching feeling in the world aint it,it was so hard,never thought i would get through it,and do you know what the hardest part was that i never ever thought he would do it to me our marriage was rock solid,i never say never now,but apart from this i do still love him and trust him,if i didnt i could not be with him to me without trust you dont have nothing i couldnt be in a relationship where i was woundering all the time,i hope you can get through this but after 3 years it dont seem like you can,you have been hurt bad and you just seem to be reluctant to let it be in the past,to me that says its over,i wish you all the best
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Avatar_f_tn
It has been a year for me, I totally agree with you. It has not been an easy road but one we are at least traveling together.  I too said never. and we were so in love I was so shocked when it happened but we are actually better for it now.
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Yes trust is a huge part of any relationship,i just dont understand how any person can fully trust some one who had an affair,how can trust be established when they were looking at you in your face and lies were told to be with there misstres,,they took the trust from us and thats what got them away with an affair,i have a hard time to trust him when he munipulated me every day for months with lies cause he new i trusted him,,to think of all the lies they tell,,very clever and thought out,,my husband had a secret cell phone i new nothing about till it all blew up in my face one day back from work,,he lost all my trust,i cannot trust some one close to me that can look at me give me a kiss when i get dropped off at work and then go ,,have sex with his misstress for months,i dont trust a person who can carry these many lies and then look at me and say it was a mistake,,,now lets look at his mistake^^^GETTING A SECRET CELL WAS A MISTAKE,,FINANCIALY RUINING US WAS A MISTAKE,OUR CHILDREN KNOWING ABOUT THE AFFAIR BEFOR THERE MOM WAS A MISTAKE,MEETING HER AND HAVEING SEX WAS A MISTAKE,LAVESHING HER WITH MONEY AND GIFTS WAS A MISTAKE,SECRETLY MEETING CALLING HER AND SPENDING ALL HIS TIME WHILE I WAS WORKING WAS A MISTAKE,,TAKING VIAGRA WAS A MISTAKE,,THE BEST ONE OF ALL GETTING CAUGHT,,NOW THE HARRASMENT FROM HIS PSYCHO MISSTRESS TO ME AND MY KIDS THAT I HAD TO GO TO COURT IT WAS SO BAD,,i think you get the point,,so how exactly do you start trusting some one who had no regards for you or your children,did they think he was so good at what he did that he wouldnt have got caught,,well he is right not from me anyway cause oh ya i trusted him and believed his million dollar lies,,it was his misstreses ex who busted him,,also what about all are friends who new and didnt say anything should we trust them,,are they not are friends,,should we trust them,,or join in the laugh as they gossip ran behind are backs,,i would love to no how to trust again and here how you do it,,thanks
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145992_tn?1341348674
Hi Lor, I was wondering how you were doing.  Oh honey, I don't know, it's very hard.  Trust is very sacred and when it's broken, well I don't think it can get back to where it was before but it can come back somewhat.  It takes a lot of work.  We are with a new therapist and he helps with trying to let go and move forward.  Trying to help me give my fiance the space and help me to deal with my thoughts of worry.  I can't control him and I can't control what he's going to do.  I just have to have faith that he won't do anything again.  If he does, well then I know what I have to do.  I'm getting stronger and stronger as time goes on so I feel like if I need to walk away from him I could.  It would hurt but staying with someone who has no regards for my feelings would hurt even more.  I hope one day you can get to a better place.  It's been 2 years yesterday since his affair and it still hurts but I know that we have both grown as people from this experience.
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Avatar_m_tn
Mami,

That is what I'm struggling with now.  How do I trust him enough to enjoy his newfound affection for me, and for our relationship - but at the same time, keep myself from being so vulnerable that I would go crazy if it happened again.  

I did some pretty nutty things the night I found out, and I never want to be so out of control of myself again.  

I believe Brice is truly committed, and never wants to cheat again, but I also believe he was fully committed and wasn't in the market in the weeks, or even days before his affair started.  So how can I be sure he won't get drawn in to something else?  Or how can I live with the knowledge that he is capable of it, and not feel a sense of panic all the time.  

This is hard. I just wish none of it had ever happened.  
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OOps, that last post was actualy me, DeeDee - Brice's wife . . .
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Avatar_f_tn
I figured that. Joe does that he posts on mine. How are things going for you today?
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Avatar_m_tn
This is Brice this time.....LOL.  I'm not going to speak for Dee Dee, but I will say things are going pretty well.  We have good days and better days mixed in with some not so good, but the good news is we are having fewer bad days and longer stretches in between the rough spots.

Infact, not much arguing lately.  Things have kind of turned into conversations about the affair.  These conversations are proving to have worth, but we do end up ruminating.  I know that too is part of the process, and I am doing my best to help build her up and reassure her that we can do this and be a strong couple again.  I think she is even getting wore out on the ruminating part, but knows we will find a way to get around it for the most part.  If it goes towards progress, we are both for it and on the same page.

WE are supporting each other and trying to help each other.  We are also trying to understand exactly where the other is coming from, and what they are going through.  That is something that we werent really trying to do early on.

You, Joe, mami and others have been a world of information and support and I do appreciate everything youve said.  

Hows things with you today?
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so happy to hear that! It will only get better. Things are going great well. I think I have finally gotten over the hump. I think I just set my mind to the one year date and once that came and went I have decided Now we have worked on it as a couple longer then the affair lasted ( if that makes sense.)  The funny thing is we have even learned how to fight fair. I mean all couples disagree and all couples fight. We had a little spat yesterday about money. It generally turns into a big ordeal but we handled it calmly. We were both very surprised. Lessons learned I guess.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Dee Dee, it's very very hard.  I'm not going to lie and say that it's gone from my thoughts and trust is back completely.  Yesterday he went to some job fair in Connecticut with his old client and part of me wondered if that's where he really was.  At one point I had asked him to call me and he didn't and I got upset and when he finally did call I was like, how come you didn't call me? He said his phone was in his jacket and he didn't look.  To me, all I could think was Yeah Right!!!  But if I'm going to stay with him I have to think ok, maybe it was the truth and unless I can prove that it wasn't, there is nothing I can do.  When someone has lied to you so much it's very hard to distinguish reality from fantasy.  But again, I'm not about to walk out that door or kick him out so I have to just deal with it until I have evidence that he is doing something wrong.  I have to believe that he learned a valuable lesson and that he doesn't want to lose his family.  This morning I woke up to him rubbing my cheek and him watching me sleeping.  There is genuine love there from him to me.  So I have to always think about those things and remember why I chose to forgive him.  You can love him but I think you can protect yourself as well.  Protection without shutting him out completely.  We should never be so involved with someone that we would go nuts without them.  We should always have some type of independence from our significant others.
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