Advice needed - please help!

[rachlb]

I found out on New Years Eve that I am pregnant. My HcG level was 59. Two days later (on 1/2) is was 130. May last period ended 11/20/05 (7 weeks) ago.

I have wanted to have a baby for several years but was not getting pregnant and wasn't interested in going through fertitlity testing and treatments, so this news is good. The problem is that it may not be my husband's bady, which is bad.

The doctors i've spoken to all say that I am 7 weeks pregnant because of when my period ended, but I know that that is impossible because the first time that I could have gotten pregnant wasn't until 12/3 (almost 2 weeks later).

If HcG numbers double, starting at 0, can you simply do the math backwards to determine that day that you conceived the child? in other words, can I keep dividing in 1/2 until I approach 0? And does HCG start to double at the time of conception or is it later, after the egg has implanted?

I am scheduled to have a medical abortion tomorrow but want to be sure - if the child was conceived after 12/22/05 then it is definitely my husband's and we will be so very happy.  I can't get a straight answer from any of the doctors. Please help!

[cutiemama]

Your hcg is way too low to be 7 weeks pg. Have you had an ultrasound? You definitely should to confirm dates. By 7 weeks you should see the baby's heart beating. I would say though that with hcg that low you are very newly pg. I was at 373 at 14 dpo.

[cbethy]

Can you not pass the baby off as your husbands? Do you have to have an abortion? Thats just such a waste since you two have been trying for so long. Does he know about the pregnancy?

[rachlb]

I'm sorry to be so ignorant, but was is dpo? I will be having a sonogram tomorrow before the procedure. Can they tell from the sonogram how far along I may be?

[luv_babies]

dpo= days past ovulation
They will be able to tell how far along you are by ultrsound

[luv_babies]

Does the other man know he may be a father?

[rachlb]

Yes he does.

Many of you will undoubtedly pass judgement. This was something that happened unexpectedly, one time only, and was a mistake that I will forever regret.

It is not possible for me to keep the baby and hope that it will turn out okay. I have considered every possible option. Please know that I did not enter into the decision to abort the baby easily or thoughtlessly. My being on this site is yet another attempt to try to get information so that I can make the best possible decision for everyone involved.

[jifnif]

sorry if i sound confused...but are you aborting no matter who is the father or you will decide if you figure out who the father is ?

[rachlb]

It I can be assured that the baby was conceived after 12/22/05 then I will be keeping it and loving it until the day I die.

The man I was with is a very dark skinned black man - a very good friend of mine - and my husband and I are both white.

I would love to keep the baby, but unless I can figure out the date of conception and be sure, I would spend the next 9 months worrying which wouldn't be good for any of us either.

[luv_babies]

I am almost positive (someone correct me if wrong) that the hcg doesn't start to double until the baby implants in the uterus

[corykis okay]

WELL I wouldnt make any decision according to hcg levels some womens double some just rise slowly, and I dont really think you can figure out conception accurately enough this way Think long and hard about the decision you make Of course its totally up to you
But every  decision you make in life you have to deal with for the rest of your life.

[Jah02e]

WAIT UNTIL THE ULTRASOUND AND SEE HOW FAR ALONG YOU ARE THEN PUT INTO A DUE DATE CALENDAR...SOME CAN TELL YOU WHEN YOU CONCEIVED.  THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW...BUT I WOULDNT ABORT...AND PLUS WHEN YOU SEE THE BABY YOU WILL FOR SURE CHANGE YOUR MIND!

[msklar]

All the science of conception and dues dates and conception dates are not exact. I feel it would be a very big mistake to abort based on these numbers. When you are told that you are 7 weeks pregnant you are actually only 5 weeks gestation. And there are other factors that can affect the dates when you actually ovulated. I ovulate very late in my cycle (21 days) so that puts me a week later, so when Im told Im 5 weeks pregnant, Im actually only 2 weeks, because I ovulated on week 3 of my cycle and not week two like most women. I hope that makes sense.

One other thing to think about, what if you do abort, to save your relationship, and then 3 years down the road you and your husband split up. You will have aborted for the wrong reasons.

If you really think there would be problems, the least selfish thing to do would be to have the baby and give him/her up for adoption.. There are so many people who would love to take the baby.

[jgirl34]

I agree I believe that you are just very early pregnant I am going to get my blood test and im only 4 1/2 weeks by my last period and 2 weeks gestational. So when I get the results hold off and I will let you know. And also the ultrasound tells you weeks pregnant and even down to days like 5 weeks 3 days for example.

I was reading this website last night on abortion, women telling their stories, and how they didn't think they would suffer from this. They said they had dreams about the baby almost everynight and could see them but couldn't reach them. Half of their relationships didn't work out. And not to be rude, but if you're cheating on him are you 100% sure your marriage is going to work? I know things happen, but it's just not your life now there is a baby inside you. Maybe the father of the child would take it? Please read some stories from some of these women, there are women 24 yrs later not knowing how to deal with theirselves. I understand things happen. I sat and cried my eyes out last night listening to their stories and just wished I could wrap my arms around these ladies, as it wasn't something most of them wanted to do.

Please please please!!! think hard and long about this. Talk to your husband first, be honest, if communictaion and honesty isn't there, there isn't much. Maybe he will except this baby as his you never know. A couple we go to Church with they adopted all black children and they are white, color dosen't matter. If you ever need to talk please email me at ***@****.

I will be praying that no matter what your choice is that God will wrap his arms around you and you would feel his love and comfort. I know this is hard and I didn't mean to make things worse by anything I said, but it is all relaity ya know? Someone out here wants that baby, everything happens for a reason, maybe this child isn't for you but maybe it is for a couple thats trying like you 50 miles away. You never know. Weigh your options and may God bless you and be with you in any choice you make!

[luv_babies]

AMEN!!! That was VERY well put, I agree with everything you said!

[gonza]

Wow, you are in quite a pickle.  I would suggest thinking it over a bit longer.  Once you do that it cant be taken back.  My husband is hispanic and is dark hair, eyes, skin, etc.  Our baby has almost blonde hair and very, very blue eyes.  Maybe your husband would never know.  I wish you all the luck with your choice.

[stillwaiting]

My hcg was higher than that at 6 weeks and I was m/cing. Please think about your decision. I know that this is not the same case but my mother was only 14 when she got pg w/me. I know this was hard for her. It forever changed her life. As for me ,Iwouldn't like to use the word religious, yet I do love and cherish my Lord. In that I believe every word that He has said. There is not one little heartbeat that has ever started without His almighty approval. His word says "I knew you before I knit you in your mothers womb". Regardless of how many emotions you are feeling ,decisions you are facing and obstacles you must cross remember that this child was and is His, to do with whatever He wills, and He, in His lovingkindness ,gentleness, and desire to give always what is best, CHOSE YOU ! He chose you as this childs mother. He knew before the begining of time that you would be faced with this. He loves you and the child in your womb! On this I would guarantee my life!!!Please wait! Give this child a chance, like my mother gave me. Maybe you feel that you can't raise this baby yourself. There are so many couples that would love to have a son or daughter. You could be the answer to their prayers. God has a plan for this baby, and a good plan. My mother and father did not raise me. They chose to do other things because of their youth. Nonetheless, they gave me the greatest gift......Life!!!!!!! I love them both dearly. I have since lost my dear mother.(I buried her 2 yrs ago) I can't imagine your pain in trying to make this decision, there is hope ,there is a future, and a good one at that.  
I will be praying for you and yours. My heart is just broken for you and your unborn child.

[mandymoo1983]

at six weeks my hcg level was 3800 and something so must be a very new pregnancy dunno how much they will see on an ultrasound.

[helpful me]

Hello I just want you to know that I'm 22 yrs. old married with two kids. I was 18 when I had my first baby and six months later I was pregnant again. I was 8weeks when I had the abortion and yes I seen my baby on ultrasound before it was done. I was actually further along than what I thought due to a short period the month before I did it. I regreted it and I live with it everyday of my life. I was at the point where I wanted to kill myself but I had a baby that was already here to think about. I met my husband 3 months after I had the abortion and I asked him if I was pregnant would he have been with me and he told me yes. I feel so bad but here's the thing. Most people in life are always worried what others think of them but until someone has walked in your shoes they don't know. Man looks at the outside but God looks at the heart. I've been repenting every since. Even though you have a Maury situation look at how many fathers still stay in the babies life. Yes your vows are sacred, but you live and you learn. If life was perfect where would we be? This abortion can cause you to not ever conceive again and remember you messed up but there's always the next woman waiting on your man. Some things you keep to yourself. I would set a doctor's appointment, a ultrasound is very accurate for the record, and see what I could do. "For better or For worse" were your words. For the record I have a good husband I cheated on him for the first time and weeks later, on Sept. 11, 2003, I found out I was pregnant but the whole nine months that was my business and the possible father did know. Prayer answers all things, no one is perfect and my baby turned out to be my husband's. I was so scared thinking about what people would think of me and how he would react but in the end were still together and as long as the other dude know then don't worry about it. Continue to be his friend because like the girl said if yrs. down the line he decides to leave your friend is always going to be there. I don't know you but I love you because you actually opened up before the fact, not after and if I had done the same then I would just be 22 yrs. with 3 kids.

[waterskigirl]

If you have wanted a baby for so many years, why would you end a perfectly healthy pregnancy?  I'm not very religious, so this is not coming from a religous stand point, but more of a common sense stand point.  Maybe you weren't getting pregnant due to fertility problems from your husband's side.  

If you decided to end it and ended up never having a baby, don't you think you would regret it for the rest of your life?  And if you and your husband are truly meant to be together, he won't care who the father is (eventually I'm sure he will be hurt in the beginning)  I can say this from actual experience because my mother had an affair and got pregnant with me.  She decided to keep me (thank goodnes obviously) and my father didn't find out until I was 18 that I wasn't his and you know what, he doesn't care, he is the one that raised me so he IS my father.

I just urge you to think long and hard before you do something you can't reverse.

[luv_babies]

I agree with waterskigirl, I think you should hold off until you know FOR SURE! I think you should also sit down and think real hard about your cycle and when you had sex and with who. I hope that this is your husband's baby and you won't need the abortion. I hope we can help ypu figure this out...

[cutiemama]

Just my gut, but again, your hcg levels reflect more of a brand new pg than one that is 7 weeks. I think that there is a way that they can check the race of your baby (maybe through an amnio) to verify paternity. You may have to wait a bit though.  You will definitely get your answer via ultrasound tomorrow.

[luv_babies]

I also agree with cutiemama, when I was only 6 weeks pregnant my hcg was about 933...

[Sacha_Saint_Francis]

Perhaps you should give yourself a bit of time to think about this before making the decision to abort your baby.  Although it seems like the obvious solution at the moment, let me tell you that killing your child will end up hurting you way more than anything else you can possibly imagine!  It would be the honourable thing to try to live with the conseqences of your actions, take responsibility for the little person that you have created, and remember that God is compassionate and forgiving towards us sinners - who all make mistakes... You still have a chance to make right, by being brave and not killing this little person.

[jifnif]

even if you are 7wks wouldnt the gestation age be only 4 or 5 depending on your lmp?  i agree w/ the others.  hold off.  i have a sister that i didtn find out til i was 18 that she was from another father.  and i am so glad my mom kept her!!!

[who_is_this]

No ultrasound is going to pin it down to the day for you.  HCG numbers are too variable to be of any help.  Best that can probably be done is to get it down to +/- 5 or so days at this gestational period.

Yes, they give numbers like "5 weeks, 3 days".  But there is still a margine of error and those numbers are not meant to be taken with absolute certainty..  Ultrasounds done at very early gestations are more accurate than those done later, because most embryos grow at the same rate during these first few weeks.  After that, growth patterns vary from fetus to fetus so that there is more margin for error.  Ultrasounds done later in the pregnancy can be off as much as a couple of weeks!

Only you know your situation, none of us are living through it.  If you have an abortion, you could very well be aborting your husbands child.  If you have the baby, there is always the chance it is your other friend OR your husbands.   You are between the proverbial rock and a hard place.  If your dates are very close and you do decide to carry this child, you had better be ready to do some explaining if things don't turn out the way you want them to.  Conversly, if you abort, you will have to live with the knowledge that you may have aborted your husbands baby.  Only you can know which way is right and which choice you can live with.

[nisa51]

I can't imagine how agonizing it must be for you right now. Was you and your husband's separation brief? I am a true  believer that things happen for a reason, and this pregnancy may be a turning point in your life. What if you get an abortion now and later on after that you can't get pregnant again? There are many women who wish they could have children, and I truly believe that all children are a blessing from God regardless of the good or bad circumstances in which they were concieved.

I know you probably already have your mind made up about your decision, and maybe you found some answers to some of your questions on this board, But if really are seeking the right answer and decision to make don't be afraid to seek out God for some insight and let him guide you, because even if your husband, family or friends don't stand by your side and support you, God will never leave your side and he will give you more support than you'll ever need through these times.

[jgirl34]

Hey went and got my levels today. They were 885 and Im estimated to be 4 weeks 3 days. To the other gilr I wasn't saying that the actual days were correct as when she conceived...heck I wish science was that advanced. I'm just trying to give her an understanding that they are very accurate. If her numbers are that low at 7 weeks her pregnancy is not very likely to make it anyhow. But like I said I think she "just" got pregnant and it's her husbands. And if so sweetie congrats and good luck to the both of you!!

[cowgirlup96]

When I was 5 weeks along my hcg levels were 5100.  So I don't believe you are that far along. 59 is only about 2 weeks pregnant.  When I was 1 week after implantation I was at a 24.  So 59 would be around 2 weeks.
I understand that everyone makes mistakes.  However, I am confused on why you don't fess up to the affair you had.  If you were truly sincere you would admit to your wrong doing and tell him about the pregnany. Honesty, trust and communication are the key factors in a true marriage.

[anothergirl]

This is really a sensitive subject but I felt you deserve an opinion that might differ from the rest of the group since you have sought out the advice. The reason the docs say you are 7 weeks pregnant is because of your LMP, which according to dates would make the baby most likely concieved 2 weeks later (during your affair). That is why a pregnant women is 4 weeks, but baby is really only 2 weeks, or 12 and 10, 28 and 26, etc. Rule of thumb the baby is 2 weeks younger than the date of your LMP. Your sonogram might help, but the only true way of knowing the father is through an amniocentesis (and a DNA test of one of the men), usually performed after the 13th week.
Honesty may be the best thing for a relationship, but there are few people who can truly overcome a partner's affair, especially one that results in a child being born of the other man's. If the roles were reversed and your husband got another woman pregnant, would you raise the child as your own? I certainly couldn't do it, much less forgive him for cheating in the first place - even though I love him dearly that is the ONE thing I find unforgivable. Probably because it's happened before and I divorced him without looking back.
Now, abortion is your option and I don't think anyone should talk you out of it as long as you are well informed. You are the only one who knows your relationships capabilities and whether your husband can handle this. I always try to see it from the other side and I can understand your desire for a way out. I had an abortion when I was in my early teens and I do not regret my mother's decision to give me a second chance at growing up before becoming a parent. As sad as the procedure is, sometimes life decisions come first and work out for the best.

[Sara Anne]

Pretty irresponsible and rude to post about aborting a child when EVERYONE else on here is having problems getting pregnant/staying pregnant. Aren't there other blogs for that?

[tresmathews]

This is why a husband should have to sign before his wife can have an abortion. Don't think he won't know something is up. It's not like you will be your normal self afterwards. People need to learn to take more responsability for their actions and not take the easy out.

[corykis okay]

i think she was looking for support not to be judged. Although some may not feel its right its her decision to be made.

[anothergirl]

I don't believe anyone should be insulted for needing help. Isn't the Maternal and Child forum for all aspects of women's child bearing/parenting issues? Everyone has there own problems and regardless of what the majority of everyone else wants or does we all have our own needs. Thank you corykis okay for stating she needs support not judgment. If people don't agree with the decisions and views of others, state your point-of-view but don't expect everyone to agree with you or become insulted/offended by their difference of opinion. No one's perfect and there should not be a stigma attached to asking "controversial" questions.

[nisa51]

I beleive she already had her mind made up about what she wanted to do before she even posted her plea for help, Maybe she just wanted to see the situation from a different perspective from other people's view.

[tresmathews]

I guess my thinking is she needs to look past the procedure itself and think about what comes after. It's just just any other medical procedure there are sideeffects. She would have to be really good to hide them from her husband. Plus there are also rechecks afterwords to make sure that everything is out of her body. There is more more than just the procedure itself involved.

http://www.thehelpline.org/unplanned_pregnancy/index.htm

This link gives loads fo info on all options and also the abortion procedures and their side effects.

Make an informed decision not just one that is off the cuff because of a poor choice you made.

[rachlb]

Thank you to everyone for your comments, information, and opinions.

For those of you who think that I am wrong to do this, I'm sorry. I would rather keep the baby and I will always love it, but the situation is very complicated and I would be jeopardizing the baby, myself, and my husband's well being to have it.

Beyond the very real fact that it is another man's baby - and yes, this was a very big mistake which I will forever regret - there are medical concerns that need to be considered. I am diabetic (with bad control) and have advanced retinopathy. There is a very very real chance that the baby could be Type1 diabetic and blind before it is even born, and I feel this would be an unfair thing to do, especially when its own father won't be there to support it if that happens.

I stumbled upon this website only yesterday and welcomed the option to post a message and get some more information so that I could make an informed decision. If I could say for absolutely sure that it was my husband's baby then I would fight whatever medical battles necesssary to try to have the baby.

I did go to the doctor this morning and was told that I am too early to even do the procedure. An HcG test (results due tomorrow) will confirm the length of pregnancy, but the ultrasound showed nothing.

I do appreciate all of you taking the time to post a message to me, your thoughts and advice have been heard loud and clear. This decision to abort is a very painful one that I will have to live with forever, but I beleive with all my heart, faith, and head that it is the right decision for everyone involved.

Best of luck to all of you in your pregnancies, I pray for happy and healthy children for all of you.

[tresmathews]

So let me get this straight if it was your husbands baby the illnesses would be ok....but because it most likely isn't his the illnesses aren't ok. I guess i just don't understand that reasoning at all.

[luv_babies]

I was wondering the same thing! A lot doesn't make sense in this situation...

[Dawn16]

I am with you two! Now I am confused as to the reasoning behind the decision!

[cowgirlup96]

I know this is your decision to make and I too thought about having an abortion.  I just couldn't do it though.  I am out of wed lock with this child and this will be the second child I have out of wed lock.  My daughter is 10 now and I have always raised her on my own.  
Now let me get to the point here.... with an abortion.. and with you already having infertility problems getting an abortion will make it nearly impossible for you to get pregnant.  With too many abortions you can get a disease called human papilloma virus (HPV).  There are two different types of these viruses.  One is sexually transmitted and the other one is a virus found within your body that lays dorminant and can come out up to 10 years later which can cause cancer.  The reason I know this is because I had it and I also had an abortion when I was younger.  I got hpv from a low immune system and it comes out when your under stress and then it progressed into cancer.  I had to under go cancer treatment, no chemo or anything just had part of my cervix removed.  I wasn't suppose to get pregnant for over a year and exactly 8 weeks later I conceived.  The doctor says its a miracle.
However, what I am saying is think about the risks after having the abortion before doing it.  I will tell you right now if thye could not pick up the pregnany on the sono then you are only around 2 weeks preggo.  I went in for a sono at 2 weeks cause of bleeding and they saw nothing either.  So the chances of this being your husbands is very good.
Good luck to you!