Am I being punished/Jinx : (

When I was very young and stupid I had an abortion and since that time I always had a regret or a wonder what if.

Now years later here I am TRYING to get pregnant with all the drugs and fertility processes there are (chlomid, artificial inem., 1st round IVF, 2nd round IVF had to stop hubby fell ill, 3rd round IVF officially the 2nd round ALL NEGATIVE!!!

Had every test on me to see where problem lies so too hubby and there is no set reason for infertility issues.  Dr. says even though pg before with age/time fertility changes.

I've had my talks with God and feel that I've been forgiven but still... Am I being punished? Tested?
My mother and husband feel it's rediculous and they both are saddened for me and cry with me but I don't know-No one understands the guilt-torment-pain what if that was my one chance.  What if I messed with fate????

[vsentz]

Sweetie!!! you know, i was just thinking something like that the other day.....
10 years ago....(i was 18) i had a real bad rash all over my body... i was doing some real nasty diets, and i thought that my defenses were low and i just catched a fungus on a pool or something....
I went to a "doctor" that read the "map" in the color part of the eyes. Right away she told me the reason of my rash was because i was pregnant....i freaked out!! my mom was outside waiting for me! i didn't know how to face it, i was in college, without a job, and my parents were gonna kill me.
My first reaction was to ask her if there was some pills that would make me abort....and she gave me a "liquid" that would do that....
I got so stressed i fell sick that night after crying for hours, never told my mom or dad though, but i took that thing and the next morning i was going to go to my best friend's house to take an HPT....when AF showed up.
I went to another doctor since the rash didn't dissapear and he told me exactly what i originally thought it was, gave me medicine and it was gone.
I often think, what if.....
Also thought about being punished, since my intentions (even when there was no baby) was to kill him/er.....I often said (couple of years ago) i didn't know if i ever wanted to have children.....they were such a hassle.....and stupid things like that......
Sweetie, i think is not punishment....it is a lesson we needed to learn.....i don't know when my lesson is gonna end, or yours, but when we look back once we hold our little ones in our arms.....we are going to appreciate changing a stinky diaper even MORE!! =)

[low22]

You're not jinxed!  But I get how you're feeling -- just yesterday I was saying that I am jinxed since I used birth control for so long -- and I'm Catholic -- a BIG NO NO to use birth control!!

[ErikaS]

I'm glad you started this post, luvbabies. I too, had an abortion once after a rape and wonder alot if my recent miscarriage was a punishments of sorts. I commend your bravery on being able to be honest on your post because I have seen other women on here mention abortion in the past and get ripped to shreds for it.
Thanks for showing me I'm not the only one to have these feelings!

[nicki1010]

No one should rip people on having abortions. Everyone was young once and did things some realize the mistake they made as others believe it was right for that to be done. with out these life lessons how would we learn and grow. I commend people for being honest and hope people will think twice before hurting someones feelings for past decisions....

[auntlugu]

I would agree with your family.  i do not think you are being punished but i do think that things happen for a reason and years ago that was not your time.  your time will happen.  i know its hard now.  i am trying too and am only on clomid but the depression is horrible.  i keep telling myself the same thing.  all things happen for a reason and our time will come.  Good Luck

[kris123]

I think yr doc is right. With age and time it changes.  I have had two term babies, and now can't get preggers and had a m/c

[misseltoe]

What you are feeling is normal.  Infertility is hard.  Many times (I'd even say the majority) there is no answer for why a couple can't conceive.  You do everything you possibly can and still it just doesn't work. Now, some of those couples will keep trying and trying and one day it does work, but it is a hard decision and it is a personal one. You and your husband have to decide when enough is enough.  Obviously that time is not now.  Infertility is up there with losing a loved one.  Any therapist will tell you that.  It's that hard and that painful and that heartbreaking.

It's normal that you might see the pregnancy you aborted as your only chance.  You made the decision though, and you must stand by it. You made it because it was best at the time.  Believe me, the miscarriage I had before this pregnancy I thought, "It's the only time I'm ever going to be pregnant."  When this pregnancy started to go bad I thought, "I'm just not meant to be a Mom." and I meant it.  When our bodies don't do what they should it changes us as people. As women we feel like we should be able to get pregnant without trying.  It's what we are supposed to do, and when that doesn't happen we lose faith in ourselves.  

You might really want to consider seeing a therapist.  It will probably help you.  You need someone to help you with your feelings from your abortion and someone to help with the helpless feelings of infertility.

[nicki1010]

It is only natural to feel that way. Although you shouldn't it is very hard. All i can say is keep your chin up. It will soon happen for you. there is a reason why He puts us in these situations. I can not ease your pain but know you have a forum of ladies willing to help... best wishes

[LUVBABIES]

Thanks ladies for your support it's just hard. The frustrating thing is I'm 34yrs old I've been TTC since I was 31...I thought I was still young enough ya know-under the stats (sniff)

[islandprincess]

:(..sorry to hear that

[LUVBABIES]

It was hard to open up but I thought about it for awhile and was willing take the advise or criticsm.  I have nothing to lose but to gain I've already been kicked when I was down so I can only get up from here.  I should be commending you for your story I'm soooo sorry you went thru such an experiance NO body should ever go thru. What that DOG did to you should not even be thought of as a punishment/jinx to you these were his demons
and there was no excuse.

To everyone thank you for being honest with me I know I was wrong and there are no excuses for what I did but thankyou for letting me get this burden I've been carrying so long off me a little.  What you all do for everyone and myself words can not express

[ErikaS]

Thanx luvbabies for your support. And thanks again for being brave :)
Hugs Hugs and a happy Friday!!

[bookerswife]

I don't think you are being jinxed or anything as long as you have made your peace he has forgiven you! Maybe, I know this is hard! I too had an abortion when I had sex for the first time at 15! I freaked! I was a star softball player and was headed to college on a scholarship and everything! I regret it to this day.... 13 years later! Just keep your head up.... you sound like a good person! Many blessings to you! I will keep you in my prayers that it will happen soon for you!

[StarASH]

Im so proud of you for getting that off your chest! We all make mistakes, and the Big Guy Upstairs knows that. Me an my husband had my son (who is 2 1/2 now) when we were not yet married, and i was only 19!!  I think its safe to say that even though i kept my kiddo, i still had to have a WHOPPER of a discusion with God about what we did to bring our little guy into our lives. I've learned that noone is perfect. The fact that you have been sorry about what you did makes you a very awesome person, it makes you have a heart. Dont feel you're being punished!! You are a good person who deserves to have kids as much as the next person. Keep trying, keep praying, and i wish you lots of luck!

[Allie1980]

You know, I was just feeling something similar----kind of opposite, but still weird...

I was thinking, "Why are we having miscarriages??? We've done everything the way it's "supposed" to be done....

What I was thinking was this...my husband and I are Christians...we were both virgins when we married...no STDs nothing like that....  

Most Catholic or Christian churches teach abstinence before marriage (not that that happens too often)....but anyway, I was so angry because I was thinking, We've done what we were "supposed" to do and we're still having miscarriages!!!!!

That just goes to show that no one is being punished or rewarded for what they have or haven't done...  God's love is for everyone...and you are not being punished.

[LUVBABIES]

Thank you thank you thank you
I'm here feeling sorry for myself and there is a possibility this cycle my work but as you read I'm just scared history so far has said no.  I had an FET (frozen embryo transfer) Thursday and now I'm on my 1st day of the 2ww.  I just got off my 24hr bed rest and came right to the computer.  I don't know what's worse 2ww or no computer to pull on the bed to talk to you all!!! Again feeling sorry for myself but you ladies know just what to say to someone to bring em back.  Thank you again keeping fingers toes and anything else crossed!!!

[myproblem]

I agree with Allie1980. I don't think God is "punishing" you. We did everything we were "supposed" to do from a Christian viewpoint, and from the scientific viewpoint of TTC. Some people just have a harder time conceiving, or staying pregnant. I do think God could be testing you. He does that with all of us. Part of the human growth we need comes by being tested, and pushed to our limits. If we are not tested, we cannot grow or progress. God doesn't hold grudges, or suddenly decide to punish you for something you did years ago. If you feel you repented, and were forgiven, then you need to focus on the present. What CAN you do right now to help yourself. You may not be able to get pregnant right away, but you can prepere yourself more as a person, both spiritually, and educationally, to be a better parent when the time comes. You can organize your home, and finances so that when God sees that the time is right for you, you will be even more prepared than you are right now. Don't let yourself stagnate as you TTC. Focus on other goals that will improve who you are with or without a child. If you want, scroll down to my post from yesterday "I found out" to see my story, and how God timed things better for us than we could have for ourselves. Try to stay positive.

[LUVBABIES]

I did as you asked and read your story...it made me cry...happy tears this time. That was a beautiful story!!! You've been thru so much I'm so happy for you!
Can your daughter put in a few good words for me - LOL!

[2songbirds]

there is a great website you can go on 'safehavenministries.com' It's about people who've had abortions or are thinking of one. They are a great help.

[IaoAbri]

Wow! I tested yesterday and the day b4 and got a BFN! Needless to say I was ANGRY and thinking the exact same thing. I had one two yrs ago and decided to get on BCP's.Now that I'm divorced and remarried (I've had children from my previous marriage) and trying its NOT happening. I know that God doesn't work that way, but at least I'm not the only one who feels that way. Thank you guys so much for sharing.

[BusyMom92960206]

I had my first child at 18 (of course we were not married, but together).  We conceived our second child when I was 21 and bf walked out the door when I was about 13 weeks pregnant.  Well, I would not have changed it for the world.  I raised my kids for a long time by myself and just prayed that God would send me the perfect man.  When I was 26 he did just that, the problem I got pregnant right away (again not married) and had a DS. Well, then we decided to live "right".  We got saved, got married and thought all was well.  That December we decided we were ready for #4 and I got pregnant right away.  However, at 11w4d I miscarried (spotted and prayed if there was anything wrong with this child I couldn't handle do what needed to be done).  Nevertheless, I was CRUSHED!  I kept saying to myself, why would God do this to me?  This is the first child "Planned" and the first child conceived in marriage. I was mad, and mad at God, myself, everyone that didn't keep this from happening.  Selfish right?  Well of course!  But then I became pregnant again after waiting three cycles to only miscarry again at 5w1d.  So here came all the questions again, the guilt, being mad, etc. **One thing the doctors did do, was put me back on my tapazole (thyroid medicine) they thought this was affecting my pregnancies.**  After I grieved (which I still do, don't get me wrong), I came to terms and prayed to God, I knew he was doing what was right.  I asked him to please not send me another child to lose.  I didn't want to be pregnant again.  I was tired of the pain, didn't want to hurt anymore, given up.  We were being careful, watching the O, whatnot and I was two cycles past the second miscarriage.  I just knew everything was OK, no way I could be pregnant.  Well to my surprise AF didn't show he face that month, I was in denial!  I decided to buy a test and just as soon as I POS it was +.  I cried, was happy, but scared all at the same time.  Saw my doctor immediately that Monday and got my levels checked they were fine.  He monitored them every other day and all was looking good.  Now I have a beautiful 12 week old DS.  So no I don't think we are punished, maybe age does have something to do with it who knows, but when the time is right we are sent our Angels I do believe that!  It is hard to wait, hard to lose a child and endure the pain, but when the time is right we shall receive.  I am living proof of that!  I wish you the best of luck!  Hope all works out for everyone up here.

[SNORCHY]

You are definitely not being punished! You made the best decision you could at the time and that was the right one for you at that time in your life. There is nothing to beat yourself up over...really. If this is something that causes you to have negative feelings about yourself, it may be beneficial to talk to a therapist or someone like that. It really helped me many times in my life!

[mumwith#4]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are sufferring this way. Why is it so hard for people to fall pregnant when all they want to do is have a baby? I don't understand either. I don't understand why it works for some people but not for others. I believe in God as I am Catholic, but I am not an overly religious person at all and I would hate for this to turn into one of 'those' forums regarding religion, but seeing as you mentioned it in your question I just wanted to share with you my belief in our God:

I don't believe we have the kind of God who is vengeful - who would be the cause of infertility out of spite, or past actions (like abortion etc). He is a forgiving God - he sent Jesus to teach us that. Turning every cheek - even in the face of death. You are NOT WITHOUT God's love - in fact right now you are probably CLOSER to Him than you think! Remember that beautiful story of "Footprints in the Sand" ? You can read it at this link - (once you've opened the link, click on the left side of the screen where is says 'POEM'):

http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/


Read this now and you will see you are not alone...you're time will be soon and this poem is very comforting of His love and forgiveness.

I wish you all the best in your health - be strong and you will be ready for what is meant to be!

[mama_moo]

my sister in law had an abortion when she was 17 and now her and my brother WANT a baby and have been having a hard time having one. she feels the same way as you and although i do feel bad for them in some way i do feel like their being punished. children are precious and now they know that. i hope things work out for you both and you get your little one. good luck.

[LUVBABIES]

Thank you for that touching note and I did go to the site it was beautiful yet peaceful with the sound of the ocean, again thank you.

Everyone:  Thank you I can't express it enough you all are so awsome thank you for the kind words and I know your all right I just needed to hear it thanks again

[LUVBABIES]

Thanks for the comfort it really helps-and good luck to you too!

[baby_gift_from_God]

God is a God of love and Giver of Life.  So continue to trust in Him and surrender all to Him. Coz He know our burdens, he knows all our needs.  It is the devil, who come and steal, kills and destroy, and kept putting negative and condemnation in our mind.  So be steadfast and in all circumstances, give God all the glory, honour and praise.  I strongly belive God will bless you a healthy baby in times to come.  God Bless