Attachment Parenting

There has been a lot of questions lately about babies waking up, not sleeping in their crib, etc...I found this article to be very comforting, being that we co-sleep and nurse at night and don't plan on changing that anytime soon. This is a very great article but it's long!

Have you noticed that quite a few mothers and fathers are now ‘wearing’ their babies in a sling? They look quaint, and kind of ‘tribal’, don’t they? You may have felt confronted by the sight of a mother nursing a toddler (isn’t he too old for that?!). You might know a couple who sleep with their baby in bed with them (are they crazy?).  

They may all be practising attachment parenting - learning to interpret and respond to babies’ specific need-cues, and meeting their emotional needs on their own terms. This kind of parenting stresses the importance of things like gentle birthing methods, breastfeeding babies on demand, child-led weaning, sleeping close to baby, and wearing baby on your body during the day. These measures are designed to foster babies’ healthy emotional development. It is claimed that this will make them more resilient, more autonomous and better able to have good relationships as they grow. Is this a romantic New-Age ideal? Is it based on anything scientific?

In fact, attachment parenting is the culmination of the largest body of international research ever compiled on child development and emotional intelligence. The basic premises are:

In order to feel secure, and for healthy emotional development, babies need to feel ‘attached’ to a few, consistent, carers (preferably mum, dad, close kin or friends) that are dependably warm and responsive.
Secure attachment depends on how closely parents are able to respond to their babies’ dependency needs.
Insecure attachment may have a profound, long-term negative impact on emotional development, personality and human relationships.
Over the last couple of decades, hundreds of meticulously constructed studies have been conducted around the world, telling us some crucial things about how children develop emotionally. We have learned that babies are not born predisposed to feeling secure or insecure and that the key to secure attachment is the parents’ warmth, and their prompt and consistent efforts to soothe their babies’ distress.  We have also learned that we cannot ‘spoil’ our babies by always responding to their needs, and our impatient push to make them more independent inhibits their exploration, and tends to make them more clingy. Overall, attachment research has shown us why we should avoid leaving our babies to cry, or deliberately force them to wait for soothing contact or nourishment.
Studies have enabled researchers to determine that early attachment experiences have far-reaching psychological and social repercussions.

Insecurely attached babies are more likely to become insecure as children. Emotionally secure babies, on the other hand, enjoy many personal advantages as toddlers - they are likely to become more enthusiastic, persistent and cooperative and they tend to be less oppositional, less angry, less fearful and more joyous. .Secure babies grow to be more popular among their peers, more socially competent, and more capable of empathy towards others. The implications are momentous: children’s moral development, as well as their social development, is a function of how sensitively they were treated as babies, how promptly and consistently their needs were attended to.

Toddlers who were securely attached as infants are more resilient, and more independent. Because they are more assertive, these children are more difficult to bully, and hence they are less likely to be targeted. Conversely, insecurely attached babies tend to seek attention in oblique or irritating ways and are more likely, as they grow, to be either clingy and hypersensitive, or aggressive and disruptive.

[jenstam]

Much of what may be labelled as a ‘discipline problem’ or a ‘behaviour problem’ has its genesis in the attachment stage. Children who have spent so much time away from their parents that they have become insecurely attached tend to be less compliant with their parents. On the other hand, a number of studies show that children who are emotionally secure are more cooperative and develop a stronger conscience. Findings such as these are forcing us to reappraise our views on ‘good behaviour’. They suggest that the most important ‘discipline’ method is to ensure that our babies benefit from secure attachment; if we want ‘good’ children, we first of all must fulfill their dependency needs.

Security of attachment is also relevant to the issue of sibling rivalry. Children who are emotionally secure are more likely to comfort distressed younger siblings, and less likely to get into conflicts with them. This is not surprising, since empathy arises out of emotional security.

The effects of early attachment are long-term. Studies show that ten year olds who were treated with acceptance and sensitivity as babies tend to be more self-confident and less hostile. Teenagers with a secure attachment history are better able to handle conflict, are more assertive, less angry and more admired by their peers. There is an increasing sense that many psychopathologies in teenagers - such as depression, or anxiety disorders - may be traceable to their attachment history.

Insecure attachment also makes us more vulnerable to stress-related problems as adults.  For instance, survivors of trauma who have had a stable attachment history are less likely to develop post-traumatic stress disorders, but if early attachment relationships are seriously disrupted, this can contribute to depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, panic attacks, agoraphobia and even eating disorders. Insecure attachment can also foster a range of anti-social behaviours, contributing to the incidence of violent crime and delinquency.

For human babies, there is evidence that the natural weaning age is probably well over two years, and anywhere up to six or seven years.  Certainly we know that breastfeeding affords a vital psychological and immunological sustenance which goes on long after it is nutritionally necessary. We also know that it is one of the main sources of security and emotional wellbeing for babies and toddlers - suckling stimulates the secretion of oxytocin, a hormone associated with peaceful contentment, and this is passed directly to the baby through the mother’s milk. Our early weaning standards certainly warrant revision.

The old practice of schedule-feeding babies has been officially rejected in favour of demand-feeding, an important measure for babies’ physical and emotional health.  In a 1998 media alert, the American Academy of Pediatrics stated: “…the best feeding schedules for babies are the ones babies design themselves…Scheduled feedings designed by parents may put babies at risk of poor weight gain and dehydration”. Babies signal their hunger to us quite clearly before they begin to cry. They turn their heads toward the breast, they extend their lips, they become agitated, or they begin sucking their hands. These are the kinds of cues that pediatricians now urge mothers to respond to as promptly as possible. A baby’s cry is usually a late indicator of their hunger. And babies hunger for more than milk, they hunger for intimacy; to drink in maternal love.

Many paediatricians, psychologists and other child health experts now advocate co-sleeping, a foundation method of attachment parenting. The sleep patterns of infants who sleep apart from their mothers have been observed to be fitful and restless, with frequent awakening. They tend to suck more on their thumbs or inanimate objects, a sign of increased stress. Their core temperature drops, and they suffer an increase in stress hormones. Infants are sensitive to both the sound and the rhythm of their parents’ breathing and they are directly pacified by the sound of their parents’ heartbeats. There is also a growing consensus that co-sleeping, putting the baby to sleep on his or her back, and night-time breastfeeding can reduce the risk of SIDS. (Please note that families with problems such as alcoholism, obesity, drug or tobacco dependency or psychological instability are not advised to sleep with their babies.)

Attachment parenting is the antithesis of ‘controlled crying’, which has been a controversial technique used by many parents to train their babies to fall asleep by themselves. The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health (AAIMHI) has issued a position statement regarding this practice, which is unequivocal and unambiguous. Part of this statement says: “AAIMHI is concerned that the widely practised technique of ‘controlled crying’ is not consistent with what infants need for their optimal emotional and psychological health, and may have unintended negative consequences.”

If at night, babies feel more secure when they can sleep near us, in the daytime they also want regular body contact. Typically, babies who are carried in a sling, or somehow on the body tend to be more placid and content - as long as the parents are relaxed about it.

Although it will take a few more years for ‘attachment parenting’ to become the norm, attachment thinking has become mainstream among academics and health professionals. Far from being a fad, it is standard practice for child psychiatrists and child psychologists who are up-to-date with new developments, and it is central to paediatrics. Nowadays, formal training in any profession related to child development involves learning attachment theory. Practitioners who qualified before this body of knowledge was established are even being re-trained, so that child health services can more uniformly reflect the findings of this new science.

World conferences on attachment and infant mental health take place every year and provide a forum for disseminating ongoing research.  The most recent (2004) World Association for Infant Mental Health annual convention took place in Melbourne, Australia.

Let us always remember that our children will behave as well as they are treated. In a world in which all children are treated with dignity, respect, understanding, and compassion they can grow into adulthood with a generous capacity for love and trust.

[mami1323]

A book called "The Baby Book" is all about attachment parenting.  My son was an evening fusser so I learned to carry him during those hours.  He didn't get as fussy and irritable and now he's 100% better.  Also, this book made me feel better about not letting my baby CIO or letting me know it was ok to have my baby sleep with me.  I completely agree with it.  So many people have this feeling like they are spoiling their children.  I don't believe you can hold a baby too much, it's showing comfort and love.  

[jenstam]

Oh, I agree completely. I was battling this "spoiled" theory for a while and feeling like a wimp of a parent because I wanted to cuddle, nurse on demand and sleep with my baby and didn't feel comfortable letting him cry to "soothe" himself alone in his crib. Now, I have let go and I am a much more confident, peaceful parent and no more battles (:

[houseofgirls]

My 6 month old (I can't believe she is 6 months already!  eek!) barely ever cries.  I have learned to "read" all of her cues long before she has to cry.  I know exactly when she is hungry, when she wants to be cuddled, when she wants to be put down, etc.  She is the most easy going baby I know, and I do think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I make sure all her needs are met as quickly as possible.  If she cries, I am right there to figure out why.  I don't feel like I am spoiling her, and don't really care when people tell me I am.  I know my baby is happy and well cared for, and that is all that really matters.  I'm not sure why other people feel the need to make us mothers feel bad about taking care of our babies.  

[AndiJ78]

Thanks, Jen, for sharing this article. I, too, have fought the battle (on here frequently) about the concept of CIO or spoiling a baby. And I,too, learned to turn the other cheek and parent the way that works best for my kids. They are not being endangered, but quite the opposite. They have developed a sense of security that cannot be replaced.

I tried for a long time and went through a lot of losses to have my kids, I'll be damned if I am going to leave them to cry or ignore their needs. My kids can certainly soothe themselves, but when they need me, I am always there.

Again, thanks Jen for sharing the article.

[jenstam]

;-)

[kris123]

Maybe i am on the other side my son cries all the time and sometimes i don't know what for and the other thing i can figure is that he is sick or hurting - he has reflux and teething - he cried off and on all night last night i picked him up cried he cries when he is tired he is fussy all the time is there something wrong with me i hold him and walk and that seems to work

[mami1323]

There is nothing wrong with you kris.  We do what we can as mothers.  We won't always have an answer, your son is just a fussy baby.  They cry if something bothers them and it seems like he has reflux or his teeth are bothering him.  By you walking and holding him even if he is unable to be settled means that you are comforting him just by being there with him.  This is attachment parenting, even if they cry, as long as you are there with them and not leaving them alone in a room to cry, they know that you are there.  

[jenstam]

Some babies just have different temperaments. It doesn't mean you are a bad parent when you can't always calm your baby as long as you are trying (:

[kris123]

He is just like my daughter was i though oh i had a fussy baby and the next will be calm boy he is more fussy then her but i love him he seems to be attached to me and my sister we seem to be the only two who can calm him she takes care of him during the day he hates his sister because she is such a butthole to him and i think he can sense her not wanting to hold him he always cries when she holds him she is such a butthead to him and it makes me so so mad she is 12

[jenstam]

That's too bad. Maybe she is a bit jealous. I have gotten lucky with my girls-they are all very loving to their little brother. But maybe it's because he had troubles in the beginning.

[girliegrl1723]

very interesting article. i do not breastfeed or co-sleep, but i DO NOT believe there is such a thing as "spoiling" a baby. when i was pregnant i heard everyone's opinions on what to do and what not to do with my baby, as every mother does, im sure. my son was NOT an easy baby. he did not sleep a lot and required a lot of attention. i fed him when he was hungry (on demand) and wasn't crazy about getting him on "a schedule". i carried him around a lot. he never slept through the night until he was almost a year old and although he slept in his own bed, whenever he woke up during the night, i went in and picked him up. i fed him. i rocked him back to sleep. after having to rock him to sleep with a bottle every night since his born, one day at around 10 months or so, he decided he didnt want to be rocked anymore and squirmed out of my arms again and again. that was the first night he fell asleep in the crib on his own and he's been doing it every night since. just the other night i rocked him back to sleep for the first time in a while. he had a rough night, and needed to be babied a little :o) i spent many a day as a zombie from having not slept the night before, but when he was ready, he adjusted to his own "sleep schedule". i carried him around most of the time when he was a newborn and for a long time after that too. at 1 year old, he doesnt cry to be picked up unless he's really tired or hurt and plays by himself forever without needing me right there standing over him. so, while i am not exactly the type of parent in the article, i do not discourage people who breast feed on demand or co-sleep. i also do not believe in CIO or similar methods. to each his own. every parent usually knows whats best for them and their child. i fall in the category of "a happy medium", i think and so far, seems to me that im doing ok. good article. i read a similar one the other day saying there are studies that show crying it out can affect a baby's brain chemistry and adult social life. would have to research that one a bit more, but the points were similar. thanks for sharing.

[Nicole624]

I co-cleep, dont believe CIO, and am trying to relactate. I dont believe in spoiling a baby. Evan is constantly held, ad I dont plan on changing it. Thats a really good article. Thanks for sharing.

[chinesebones]

Thank you for posting this.  I could use a little encouragement after absorbing silent but obvious disapproval from my mil and hearing things from my mom like "Some women would say you're spoiling her... but I'm not saying a word."  I hold my dd as often as she wants, feed on demand, (and yes I'm going to keep feeding after it becomes "vulgar" in my mom's opinion.. guess I already am since in her opinion that's after 3 months!) and, as long as she has difficulty sleeping, she can sleep with me.  Yes, I'd sleep better without her kicking me, my arms ache from holding her sometimes, and her chewing on my nipples doesn't feel great, but she'll be little for such a short time I'm happy and honored to provide for her while she has these intense needs.

[shamanda]

I have triplets; how would that work?? Yikes!  :)

[tiredbuthappy]

while i do not cosleep nor breast feed, i also appreciate this article. had i been able to breadstfeed, i may have ended up cosleeping at least some of the time. dd has a routine, but for the most part she set the routine. i cannot sleep when i'm not tired, so i don't expect her to either. however, if i cried for a while, i would eventually exhaust myself and fall asleep. i've only done that twice in my adult life and never care to repeat the experience.
i'm lucky- dd is a pretty easy child. i have answered every cry since the moment she was born. but she only cries if hungry, in pain, or overtired. she is very calm and very secure, and i am sure that at least part of that can be attributed to never being left alone to cry.
this article helped me because i am struggling with the idea of moving her to her own room. she's still in the bassinet, feet hanging out some mornings. she'll be 7 months this weekend.  today i really thought about moving the pack n play in to our room for a month or 2 to keep her near. i love being there for her when she wakes in the morning. this morning i heard her movements and babbles. i lifted my head and was greeted by the greatest grin. i work so i miss her during the day. why does an infant need to sleep in her own room, all alone? i don't like to be alone.
that being said, it's not like i'm her slave or there's chaos in the house. she goes to sleep btw 8:30 and 9:30 everyday. if we see signs of tiredness, we put her down. she can put herself to sleep if we give her a cloth diaper to snuggle (her security item). i think a lot of crticism comes from people not understanding the philosophy. babies naturally fall into schedules and routines. i think attachment parenting recognizes this, but emphasizes that the routine is set by baby.

[JoyRenee]

Our first daughter slept in bed with us her entire first year of life. Our second daughter slept through the night, in her own crib, as a newborn. I believe every child is different and should be handled differently.

Thanks for the article! I hope others glean some knowledge and wisdom from it and find out that there is no "cookie cutter" child and that we all must do our best with each INDIVIDUAL! No such thing as spoiling a baby!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and the daughter that slept with us for an entire year? She began to sleep through the night after her 1st birthday, in HER crib, in HER room and moved to a BIG GIRL bed when she was 18 months old! Co-sleeping was so awesome for us and I hope people don't shoot it until they try it!

Last night she woke up around midnight and crawled into bed with us and I just started giggling with her and we sang a few songs together. I looked over her at my hubby and said, "This is just like when she was a baby!" It was SO INCREDIBLY SWEET!

[JoyRenee]

kris, it is nothing that you are doing! It is your baby's temprement. And he'll grow out of it! *WINK*!

[mum2beagain]

Haven't seen you in a while, how are the babies doing?

[jenstam]

Yes-not every parenting style works exactly the same with each child. I just found this article so refreshing, being that I am often guilted by my Mother and other family/friends because we have chosen to co-sleep and tend to our baby without making him cry or get upset first. Others say we are spoiling our 7 month (today!) old because we don't make him scream in his crib when he doesn't want to be in there and we don't make him wait for his next scheduled feeding and some people gasp when they find out that we co-sleep. There is no denying that he sleeps so much more peaceful and sound when he is in the comfort of our bed and touching, smelling, hearing mama (: I found a tremendous sense of peace and relief once I changed my way of thinking and didn't allow the guilt like before.

[AndiJ78]

I have always found it amazing that my husband can take CJ to bed, get him to sleep, leave the room and come back out,. No matter the length of time, when we go in to go to sleep, quiet as a mouse, settle in to bed and as soon as he smells me, he scoots over and snuggles, still asleep : -) Being a mom is awesome.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I am not a co-sleeper, I personally cannot sleep with an infant in the bed with me, I feel anxious.  Nadia was in a basket by our bed until 5 months and for the last 3 weeks she has been in her own room.  I have lots of friends who have had great success with co-sleeping.  

I fed all three kids on demand.  AS they entered the toddler years, their feeding schedule just sort of fell into line with ours, it was very natural.  Some parents on here let their kids eat whenever and that works for them.  I like having all of us breaking bread together.  

I also do not believe in spoiling a baby.  I intend to hold the princess every moment that I can.  I think that is why she is such an easy, sweet baby.

I thought the article had some interesting points.  I think it may have been oversimplifying, I think there is a nature and nurture element to each child's development.  Hence you can have a family with healthy adult kids and the so-called "black sheep" of the family.  

I do not believe in crying it out.  However, if you are about to lose it, I whole heartedly say put the baby down, let them cry and count to 10 or 1000, whatever you need.  Your baby will feel your anxiety and he/she will not settle.

I am also facing criticism for nursing past the norm (she will be 6 months on the 23rd), holding her a lot and refusing to leave her with a sitter.  I work, but my office is in our home and I have a lady who comes in and helps me with the house and kids.  I just think that infancy is precious and short and I want to enjoy every bit of it.

To all the mums here (especially first timers), I would like to say, listen to advice of mothers you respect, they have great wisdom.  Ask questions of the doctor.  But in the end, you must decide how you will parent and you will have to be able to defend your position to well meaning relatives and friends.

[ma2isiah]

Thanks for posting this article!!

With my first son (now 3), I didn't know about this idea "attachment parenting", but my baby taught me all about it through his first year he was an "attachment baby"--only happy if attached to me. I followed his lead and coslept, breastfed on demand, extended breastfeeding (until he was 2), and carried him almost everywhere.

All the while my mommy group of friends (we worked together and had babies within a few months of each other) were having completely different experiences. Mostly they all breastfed their babies on schedules, their babies played on the floor and slept in cribs. I found out about attachment parenting when Isiah was a year old and still needed to be carried a lot and I was googling baby carriers for older babies and came up with the ergo carrier and websites describing attachment parenting. I was so glad to find other people parenting the way I was.

Attachment parenting worked so well for my son. He is very secure, loving and thoughtful little boy. I am parenting my daughter much the same, following her lead. She also prefers to breastfeed every 1-2 hours at 7 months and be carried most of the time. They are only little for a short time and I am treasuring this time of closeness.

[jenstam]

I treasure it, too! Infancy is so short. Take it all in...they will once be too big to cuddle in your arms.

[houseofgirls]

No kidding!  I just got a letter that my 3 year old got into the preschool I signed her up for.  So in September, she will be off to preschool for 3 days a week.  I have to admit, I got a little teary eyed when I got that letter...my baby is growing up way to fast!  However, I am so excited for her...she wants to go to school so bad, she can hardly stand it.  It will be so great for her to meet kids her own age, that live in our area.  I'm in no hurry for my 6 month old to be out of the baby stage!

[JoyRenee]

jenshim, I know how you feel!!! People are far too judgmental for their own good. I'm a Christian and there is a verse in the Bible that says, "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought!" In other words, don't think you're better than other people!!! So don't listen to those people who say to let your baby scream. Honestly, who truly believes letting a little infant cry in their cribs? They're ALONE, in the DARK, and scared because you're not there! That isn't healthy. They're supposed to be able to rely on us.

Keep it up, jenshim and don't let those others get to you. YOU know what is best for your baby!!!

[lfb]

I totally agree. I was the same way with my DS and he is such a happy toddler.   My DD barely ever cries, also.  I feel so bonded to my kids and I don't care what anyone thinks.

[jenstam]

I just don't think you can go wrong with this type of parenting. It makes the most sense. No baby should have to be alone and crying in my opinion. But, that's just my opinion (: