BFP! !just left my husband, scared to death!! Advice.
good morning ladies,
well here is my story. I actually have been posting on here a few times about trying to get pregnant and my husband having a low sperm count. Well, I just got a BFP this morning!!! And of all times I have just left my husband. We dont have a horrible marriage, infact we havent been married that long. But I have a DD from my other marriage and my new DH gets very jealous of my ex. I know it sounds stupid, but I think he is so insecure because my ex and I are great friends. So, I left to move back with my sister for a while to clear my head and see if I wanted to work things out and then PREGGERS!!
I am so scared, what should I do, I don't know if I even want to tell my husband because he will insist I come back home, he loves me very much he just has some anger issues(not abusive at all) He wants a child more than anything and so do I but I don't know if I want one with him. AHHHHHH! I a freaking out, do you think these hormones could have anything to do with me freaking out and running out of the marriage so quickly??
Thanks you in advance!
Hey you. I understand what you mean. My BF is like that. I am great friends with my ex. It is hard to deal with and you shouldn't have to. I don't think you should hide that fact that you are having his baby though. If you feel like you are in harm, don't tell him, wait it out. Good luck
Hmmm...sounds like you are in a pickle (do you want ice cream with that ;-)
Maybe you should take a week to clear your head, and hopefully get on better talking terms with your dh.(you can ignore the word "dear" and use the other d word if you want! LOL)
If your husband has anger issues (abusive or not) you certainly don't want to bring a child up in that kind of environment, as children are sensitive to these sort of things. You should probably talk to him about getting counseling about his jealousy and anger issues. If he refuses, perhaps you can tell him that until he does, you will not move back in. And if you feel you need to tell him at that point about the baby, then do it. The baby may be what he needs in order to WANT to change. And perhaps he wouldn't be so jealous of the ex hubby if he has his OWN child with you. Only you know how you feel about him, and whether or not you can put up with his actions. As a woman/mother, you shouldn't have to put up with an immature, angry, and jealous man. You'll need your energy to take care of the REAL baby, no time for BIG babies!
What do you really want to do? If yu went back, what would be your reasons? It might be beneficial for you at some point soon to talk to a therapist or someone like that to support you through this tme. I hope it all works out fo you!
Sweetie, I'll tell you what you can do:
ENJOY YOUR PREGNANCY!!!! Congratulations about the BFP!!! heck!! I think a lot of us girls would give anything to get one! you got it!!! enjoy it!!!....about DH....men are like that...he will understand though, I am very sure.
Happy 9 months!!!!! =))
Sorry, I shouldn't ahve written that first sentence about bitter women. I do apologize to all who were offended. However, it does make me cringe to see so many people so aeger to tell someone else to just chuck their marriage to the wind from only reading one paragraph of what sounds like a rough patch. I'm going to respect the poster enough to believe that her DH is not abusing her. I'm sure the jealousy etc is aweful and can really wear on a woman, but I truly think that people should first try to save a marriage. Taking a break is fine (sometimes its very good for a marraige), and then If you talk to DH and suggest the counseling etc and its still the same and just not a healthy environment, then so be it. Also, I have absolutely nothing against single Moms, I have the utmost respect for them. My Mother raised 4 of us on her own and she did a wonderful job. But I also wouldn't wish it on anyone, meaning that I saw firsthand how much my mother struggled just to get by. Just know that its not easy either. Although children need a healthy environment to grow in, they also need to see that their parents are willing to work at a marriage too. (Again I'm going by what I've read above that there's no abuse and seems like some counseling could help tremendously in the situation). Even wonderful marriages are hard work, and each person brings their own expectations and issues into it. Maybe he wasn't expecting her to be so close with the ex, maybe she didn't expect him to care so much about her relationship with her ex.
Well, I think there are a lot of bitter women on here. Honestly, I am not so quick to tell people to just leave their marriage. I think you know the details better than anyone, but it sounds like you also have a lot of confusion about leaving too. I would strongly suggest you both go to a marriage counselor. I will be so honest, both times I have been pregnant, those hormones start up right away and I have said things to my DH that were completely horrible and I didn't even mean them. Anyway, you said that he is not abusive. I sure hope he isn't. In cases of abuse, I say get out and as far away as possible. But anger issues and jealousy in a young marriage can be sorted through with a good marriage counselor if you both are willing. I have only been married for 2 years, not long either, and we are still working through a lot of the bugs, it takes time. I'm sure you DH is acting immature at times and jealous, but just think are you truly ready to throw in the towel? If you have been actively ttc for a while, it sounds like things have not been all bad.
Just take your time and definitely take time for yourself and your pregnancy, but remember that the hormones will also cause you to freak out more than normal. Make sure of what you are feeling and don't throw away a marriage, even a non-perfect one, without being absolute sure.
here's my take on the situation and my advice. obviously please note that i don't have the full picture and am not living your life so if i'm completely off just ignore. to me it doesn't seem like an ending of the relationship kind of leaving, more like giving some space and breathing room for the both of you. i'm sure you realize this but the fact that this is second time for you (i don't know about him) and that you come with a daughter this is a more complicated relationship to start out with add to that regular normal complications and differences and things can get blown up more hence the need to break. personally i don't think it's so terrible of your new husband to be jealous of your relationship with your ex or to want you to not be "friends" with him. obviously being that he's the father of your daughter you're still going to have to have a relationship with him and for your daughter's sake amicable, but an amicable relationship and a friendship are two different ballgames. think about it from his perspective - it's gotta be hard seeing your beautiful, wonderful wife that you love being so friendly with her ex. i would think that there's always extra insecurities in a second marriage/relationship than there would be in a first - and they get compounded on and brought to life when he sees the two of you together and as friends. honestly, i think (key words: I think) that it's weird to be friends with your ex or his family. i don't mean weird as in you're weird for it, but just more complicated and could get into uncomfortable situations. i know that everyone ends their relationships for different reasons and therefore it's possible that friendships could remain i just think that now that you're in a new relationship you have to take into consideration your new husband's feelings about your old relationship. think about it like this. imagine the roles were reversed can you honestly tell me you'd be comfortable if your dh was still good friends with his ex. or even on a different level - please don't tell me that jealousy pangs can't hit if dh is really good friends with a gal pal - i'm not saying you'd be a jealous maniac or freak out, but i somewhere deep down it may (key word: may) make you a little nervous. to me it sounds like you both love eachother you've just reached a roadblock that has to be moved. i strongly believe that in this case communication and honesty from the both of you is in order - whether the two of you can talk through it on your own or need someone (i.e. therapist) to help you through it - i really don't think it's an impossible thing to overcome. and now that you're pregnant you really have to think about you and your new baby and your dh.(and also your "big kid" - she's been through a lot already) i don't think that it's always the best thing to stay together for the kids. the best thing for the kids isn't necessarily having 2 parents that are in constant fighting, bickering, and hatred. but in this case (again, from the info i've read) i don't think there's hatred or constant bickering. i think this is a real issue that the two of you can work out. as for his anger issues, i agree that he needs to get into therapy to work those out. whether physically abusive or not anger is a scary thing. anything can happen when someone is angry - they're just not themselves and are in some sense (key word: some) "not in control". I hope that i got my point and advice across in a clear manner and in no way offended anyone. good luck and wishing you lots of health and happiness in your pregnancy.
First I would like to defend some of us. I don't think that there are a lot of bitter women in this forum, but alot of experienced women. Now that that's been said....... My advice to you would be this follow your heart. I know it sounds cheezy, but we can offer advice until we are blue in the face, but the reality is we don't know the true extent of your situation. He does have a right to know your current situation, but like others have said your current situation doesn't have to be your reason for staying! And I would say you do have to considered what would be the BEST environment for raising both your children( fade out both men for now and let the children be your focus). Your DD has the right to a happy(as close as you can get realistically), stable, and stress-free environment and both your husband and ex should understand that. Let explain what I mean... If keeping your home life happy means dropping your DD off at your sisters or someone else's home to keep down confusion in your home then so be it, BUT your husband has to GROW UP and realize that its not going to be that way all the time. Anywho, take the time at your sister's and sort somethings out and as I said follow YOUR heart and consider, but do not rely on the advice of others. Whew! This the most I've written yet.
I think your DH has a right to know you are carrying his baby. Maybe it will make him feel better - He wants something so bad with you and you have it with another man. Well now you are going to have HIS baby and maybe that will make him feel more secure. I would tell him and see what happens. Go back home for a while and see how he acts with you and your DD after he finds out the truth. If he is still acting in a way you feel comfortable then do what you have to do. There are A LOT of good single mom's out there. You can do it. Good Luck to you.
I think you should at least let him know since he is the father & will eventually find out.If you don't want to be with him then fine but if you do you have to work hard at it, councling, etc.I know that its hard to tcc, especially one that hasn't had the opportunity to be a parent it sometimes could become stressfull.You on the other hand have.And being so friendly with ex well, thats your choice.Congratulations & what ever your discision is enjoy this pg. & take care,lol nanis
Of course he has a right to know that you are pregnant with his child, and that child has a right to be supported by his/her father.
Beyond that, I 4th or 5th the suggestion for therapy. For you alone, and with your husband to sort out the deeper issues of your marriage.
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