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Baby's father not excited
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Baby's father not excited

I don't know if I need to vent or if I need advice. I have a 2 1/2 year old boy from a previous relationship. I have been with my fiance since he was 1 years old. He has been raising him most of his life now. Since the beginning he has always said he doesn't like kids. He says he just doesn't find them cute, like everyone else. But he is a great dad for my son, but has completely different ideas about raising kids from me. We had a m/c in December from an unplanned pregnancy and he never really told me how he felt, he was sad for me he said. Then I pregnant after one cycle and being on birth control. I am so happy as well as everyone in his family for this is the first child from him. Everytime I talk about the pregnancy he doesn't really care. He helps out when I am tired and hungry but he won't rub my back or rub my feet at night. He got mad whenever I had m/s and said that I was doing it on purpose. Everytime I ask if he's excited to have the 2 1/2 yr old and the new one and watch them grow up together and he doesn't care to answer. I feel like he is just doing this for me, and that he doesn't even want either children. I get to emotional when I talk to him about it and he blames my hormones on me being upset. Is this because he is scared or because he doesn't want it. Is he going to help with a newborn and a 3 year by then. I am just afraid I will be raising both children on my own. I raised my first by myself, but I want help this time. He never told me to get an abortion when he found out so isn't that some kind of sign? What should I do?
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Avatar_n_tn
Wow!  This is really hard for me to say b/c it's pretty blunt, but are you 100% sure that this is the man you want to be with?  It sounds like he's really not able to offer you the type of support that you need.  If he really doesn't want to be a father then he may very well end up resenting you and/or the kids.  That will only cause more problems.  This is a huge issue.  Obviously, the decision to have children is a permanent one so you are really going to have to figure this out.  There may be any number of reasons that he feels the way that he does.  Personally, I think this is something that is worth seeing a couples' therapist over.  You definitely want to get this resolved ASAP. I'm not saying this relationship is doomed, but I do think you may need some help to get through it.  Relationships are HARD WORK, even for those couples who don't have big issues to work through.  I wish I could give you a simple solution.  The only other thing I can say is that you have to put your kids first.  I'm sure you already do though.  Best of luck to you.  I hope everything works out for the best.
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116879_tn?1266519849
I am wondering if he truly feels the way you belive he does, why isn't he insistant upon using condoms?  I hate it when guys behave this way---they want to have fun, but don't care about the consequences.  

At least he is a good father to a child that is not even his.  That is a good sign.  He could not help out at all.  I agree, you both need to seek therapy, and if he really doesn't want the child, you need to prepare yourself mentally for raising the child alone.

Don't worry about not receiving the back rubs, etc--my husband doesn't do that either. Some men are deathly afraid to even touch a woman who is pregnant.  My husband feels like he will hurt me if he squeezes me, or gets intimate with me.  I understand how he feels and try to educate him.

Hopefully, things will work out for you.

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97615_tn?1212682189
all men react differently to things.  if he wont talk about it maybe you can suggest counseling.  if he is a good father to your first then when he sees his child being born it might click in him.  It does sound like his support is minimal though emotionally speaking and what a horrible thing to worry about.  when i first had my dd 16 yrs ago...her dad never wanted her.  we split after she was born and he has not been much of a father since...now ages later he pretends like he is a dad....but he told me straight out he never wanted a baby when i got pregnant.  i hope you get to talk and he opens up and its just a "man thing" ...good luck and try to focus on your health and happiness for your children.
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Avatar_n_tn
Man, I feel for you.  I know it can be so hard feeling like you're the only one excited about the baby, but I think he's just scared.  Guys have a different way of showing their emotions, and granted he probably is somewhat self-centered since before you and your son, all he had was himself to worry about.  I think it's just going to take some time.  The thing is, you're making him grow up before he wants to, which makes it harder in the long run, but it will happen.  Aren't you glad God gave the responsibility of rearing a child to women and not men?!  Ha, where would we be if that were the case?!

I didn't catch how far along you are already, but I know it took my husband until I started showing for him to realize this is really happening and there's a baby coming pretty soon.  I don't know if you're far enough along yet, but my DH really got a kicker out of feeling the baby kick and it kind of shocked him into reality.  I think your fiance will grow out of his self-ish-ness, especially when the baby gets here and he looks at it and realizes "hey, I am responsible for this tiny little creature."  BTW, I still can't get my DH to read those books either, not because he doesn't care about the baby, but he's just not a reader.  I think that's common.  Try to cheer up, it will all work itself out in the end.
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93654_tn?1247502934
You said you were on birth control after your m/c, but got pg again. Did you miss some pills? I guess I'm just wondering if he feels like he was tricked or that he had no say in the matter? That could have something to do with the way he feels. I hope he eventually warms up to the idea of having a baby. Counseling is a good idea, if he's willing to go.
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Avatar_n_tn
You could be right about that. This second time I got pregnant he sat in the MD's office when she said that the first month of b/c is not effective and that we would have to use condoms if we didn't want to get pregnant again. He knew there was a chance and he still insisted on no protection. But maybe in his head he thought it wouldn't happen. I know that he worries about money issues and wanting to move to a bigger house, but that should be no reason to act the way he does. I am not saying that he is completely hopeless. The other night he rubbed my belly when we were in bed and he thought I was sleeping, but when I ask him to read the book I bought for him written from a father and is very funny and not really a factual type of book he wouldn't. Whenever I start reading from my pregnancy books he turns the TV up. He is very selfish sometimes and does believes that the world revolves around him, is he maybe just jealous that he won't be the spot light. His mother is a new grandmother to my son and she loves him to death, and he can't stand that all she talks about is my son. He does get upset when he has to think about babysitters and put my son first when making decisions about things, but I just thought it was be3cause it could still be new to him. His friends all have little kids and he seems happy for them and says congradulations and listens to all there stories about their kids, so why is he so hestitant. I have talked about couples therapy and he says fine but then when I find one he says their available slots aren't good for him. I reminded him about saving money because he wants to go on vacation and he says that was my job. Maybe it will take time, but I hope everything works out fine because I do love him, and I am just hoping that when he sees the baby come out everything will change, might it might not. He doesn't even want to be in the delivery room. He keeps joking and saying that he is going to be smoking cigars in the waiting room. Thanks for your help.
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Avatar_f_tn
It took my husband 13 months to get used the idea were having a baby!  Yep 13 months.  So my son was about 4 months when he realized we were parents.  He didn't want to look at baby stuff, he was reluctant to buy the crib.  I had to beg him to put it together.  I had to put the changing table together by myself.  My mom and I put up the border and the decorations.  He wanted no part of it.  But I tell you now no one can say or do anything to my son without having to answer to my husband for it.  He had our daycare provider scared of him the kids at school are scared of him.  We are on number 2 now and he is so excited and talks to her almost everyday.  I think he just didn't know how to react.  He had no experience with kids what so ever so he was scared.  Now he knows what to expect and he is soooo excited.  Maybe it's the same in your situation
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126762_tn?1325265405
I have been through 2 m/c and I haven't exactly had the best response from my dh either. I know that he wants a baby as bad as I do, but he doesn't really take the m/c seriously. They both ended really early, so I guess he doesn't really believe that it was actually a baby that we lost. He hasn't been very supportive - just tries to blow it off as nothing. This has made it very hard for me to get through and now that we are TTC again, I am almost afraid to tell him about it right away, in case something goes wrong again. He doesn't mean to be unsupportive - I think it is just his way of dealing with things. If he can make it seem unimportant, than he doesn't really have to deal with it. I don't know if that makes sense - but in this stage I don't think reality has really hit him that we actually lost a baby. Maybe your fiance just hasn't hit reality either yet. Maybe once he realizes that you ARE actually pregnant, that you are going to have a BABY, and that he is going to be a DAD - maybe then he will come around. I agree with the previous posts that maybe some counseling would help you in this situation as well. Unfortunately, I think the word "counseling" also scares guys off - so the first step would be to convince him to go to counseling with you. Good luck - I hope that everything works out for you - and congratulations on your pregnancy!
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Avatar_n_tn
i really feel for you.  i too have a child from a previous relationship and her "donor" didn't want much to do with her.  Luckily my husband, her step dad, is very supportive but it took him some getting used to.  when a man has no children and can focus on himself and then goes to a "ready made family" he soon realizes the world doesn't revolve around him.
you two definitely need to address you issues as they are large and can add stress to you.  most importantly, though, you need to find a support person.  you say you get a long with his mom?  ask her if she'd like to be your support person in the delivery room, or maybe your mom?  just tell them your fiance doesn't feel comfortable seeing you that way.  my mother in law was in the OR when my son was born, as well as my husband, and it has brought us very close.  she is honored and now it's like she's my own mother.
this is a stressful time and you have your son and this baby/you to worry about.  once it comes time for the baby to come your fiance will probably come around.  it's some kind of instinct or something.
good luck
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134578_tn?1404951303
I suggest you go to counseling right now, by yourself if he is too stubborn to, and just tell him very clearly that you are going, and intend to talk about him, and his attitude.  Most people really can't stand to think some third party is going to get a one-sided viewpoint about them, so he should be ready to go with you.  But even if not, this is a very big thing, and you have some tough decisions to make, and not having counseling is just hurting you more.  Good luck!!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
You know a year into a relationship is really not long enough.  If you're with a person for a year and you don't feel that is the person you will marry, that is the perfect time to run.  A year is plenty of time to know "marriage or not" especially if you live together or are really close.  Maybe he has some resentment for the relatioship.  He cares for you but you have a son so he has sort of overlooked that rather than accept that.  You are still trying to get to know each other.  Maybe the baby will bring him closer or "home".  Maybe the baby makes him feel like now he's stuck and he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married right now...counsiling.  I have a different idea on that...counseling is more for those have have been together 3+ years...when you have a long history...maybe if you suggest counseling and he's not ready or "sure" that may push him away...maybe you should start to ask him how he feels about you or your relationship in order to get to the "real" feelings he's feeling...its more than just whats on the outside...look on the inside..maybe something bad happened to him as a child.  I'm a psych major..I love this stuff...good luck and keep your head up...communication is the key..don't sweep it under the cover.
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Avatar_m_tn
I agree first that counseling for you will help. You need to be able to get an objective view on everything you're going thru, as well as a safe place to honestly vent. The biggest thing is that this man was up front about his feelings re: children. It's sometimes hard to admit that you don't get happy and excited over kids b/c everyone should like cute little kids, right? For a long time I felt kids got on my nerves more than anything. Any woman on here who has kids will tell you that the reality of parenthood is rewarding, but very trying. Newborns and children require the most extreme sense of selfless giving. And unlike anything else, when you can't seem to take anymore- it's not like you can just walk away. So the pregnancy itself is changing the dynamics between you two, plus he can look forward to quadruple the work w/ raising 2 young kids. It's realistic to be scared, sometimes resentful, nervous,etc. But hopefully he does find the immense joy in being connected to these little guys. Find a counselor, give him time to go thru things as well as feel all the emotions, and find support thru family, other women,etc. Good luck...
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130265_tn?1277406547
You know, my DH wasn't there for me at all during when I was pg with my now 2 1/2 daughter. He wanted me to abort her and stressed his feelings very much so to me (we were dating for a little over a year at this point). He kept telling me that he wasn't ready yet to be a dad and there was no way he could be one. He was 29 years old at the time! I went to the abortion clinic, and went thru the motions until I saw that machine. I walked out of that clinic that day being 10 weeks pregnant. During our many talks, I told him I didn't need him in my life to raise a child. He wasn't there for me during the whole pg. He would hang out w/his friends straight after work and I wouldn't see him for 3 days in a row. We even lived together. It was a very lonely time. He didn't care to go to any of my dr appts, or see how I was feeling. Everytime I had a bleeding episode and I called him on his cell while he was at his buddies house, he never came home to be with me.

Everything changed once he layed eyes on her. I tend to hold him to his wrong doings to this day..We both know that my daughter's only here because of me and there's a special bond that he will never have.

Your fiance may do a complete 380 once the baby's born. He'll finally understand what unconditional love is. I only told you this story to let you know that some men do change. He may be too scared right now thinking what it's really like being a dad and how much sacrafice is involved, and that's why he's shutting himself down to this pregnancy.
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Avatar_n_tn
My sister's husband sounds alot like your fiance.  He even told her not to expect night time help when their first child came because "she was the one that wanted children", they now have 2 children and he is the best father any child could want.  Sometimes (not always) they don't know what they want until they have it.  Hopefully your fiance will be like my brother in law.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am 38 found out i was pregnant and my husband that I have been married for 12 years,he shut me out for a week . That hurt alot i feel like i am in this alone. I am now 15 weeks with our first child and I am scared out of my mind. It took me to break down and cry for him to ask if i was ok and i told him how I felt he opened up alittle but he is not there yet. I asked him if he was getting excited today he told me no that he does not like people i told him that this is apart of us he said i dont like babies this makes me hurt so much because i am trying to be excited about this miracle baby and I feel alone . I am hoping that he will change his mind for the better down the line . I don't want to loose him and I beleive he will make a great father> My husband is a only child and never was around any kids growing up but I do have 17 neices and nephews but he shows nothing towards them when they give him a hug. I wish you all the luck and hope things work out .
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Avatar_f_tn
Reading your comment made me think of my situation. My fiancé and I have been together for 5 1/2 yrs, engaged for 9 mths. When we found out I was pregnant he was scared but quickly got excited. Until his family started telling him he has to decide. It has been a month and he refuses to talk, come over, nothing. He came to the dr appt and told me he was tired of trying bc I get mad when his family starts. I was so upset that day and started spotting. When I tried calling him he refused to answer. His friends tried calling him and he wouldn't answer them. This was the second time I had spotting the first right after we found out and I was put on bed rest bc of a cyst and hemorrhage. Then he was so supportive, now he didn't even care.  I know its his family influencing him but its so hard. I keep trying to make things work and he refuses to communicate w me or most of his friends. I keep praying he comes around but its so hard. I miss him. I wish his family would stop influencing him. No one did this to them when they were pregnant :-(
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