Best Friend/Baby Shower dilema, don't know what to think:(

[lovethebops]

WARNING:THIS IS LONG! :)
Two years ago, my mom threw my baby shower for dd#1....My best friend offered to get involved, but all my mother really allowed her to do was make up the invitaitons, which my mother paid for. My mother ended up decorating and throwing the whole thing herself, with the help of my aunt. It is funny, because each had their own version of events, My mother said my best friend really didn't help at all, just made the invitations, which mother thought was plenty enough. My BF says that my mother took over and really did not let her get involved (in a nice way, not a vindictive way) and so she just backed off and respected her position as the Grandma to be and figured she was just so excited about her first grandbaby.

Fast forward 2 years, and When I found out I was pregnant finally for a second time, I was over joyed and my BF and I talked about how she would love to be the one to throw me a shower this time around. Meanwhile, she is busy building a house, running around working like crazy(husband is a slacker) and dealing w/ her own kids ages 17, 6, and 4. Months go by and I hear nothing much from her and I already told my Mom (who wanted to throw me a shower THIS time as well) not to worry about a shower this time, my friend offered. So finally, last week my mother called my BF to see what plans she was getting together for my shower if any....My BF told her that she had done nothing and basically never was in a position to throw me a shower in the first place(Is still not in her new house, and has no money and slowly making money to finish the house). My Mother than said, well since you are not going to be involved, I would like to get going on it and get invitations out. So my mother will be throwing me a shower for dd#2, and I fear it will be a repeat of 2 years ago.(Not that it was bad, it was just a little, um, boring. My mother is not much of a party planner/host, so there were no games or fun activities and basically we ate cookies and I sat for an hour and opened gifts while a bunch of half awake older ladies looked on, I'm not kidding..I was looking forward to the prospect of a fun lively shower this time around, since my BF and I are so much alike, and she knows me and what I interpret as fun.

I don't know what to think. I had to hear from my mom that my own best friend will not even be involved with my shower at all, and basically was never in a postion to throw one in the first place(her situation was the same in the beginning of my pregnancy, no house or money, That is why I wondered why she ever offered or said anything in the first place) I feel a little hurt, but mostly annoyed and I feel like we maybe were not as good of friends as I thought. I understand that she is busy and her funds are low, but If the tables were turned, I would make it happen for her, no matter what, because I offered and I care about her as my friend. She has not mentioned anything to me, and I am beginning to think maybe it is a one-sided friendship. I always have to call her for anything, she never thinks to call me. I know she is busy, but you make time for your friends, I know I do.
Sorry so long, and I don't blame you for skimming, but what is your take on this? Should I be more easy on my friend, based on her circumstances, even though this is always how it goes? I feel like when she does come up to me before or after the shower to give me a laundry list of excuses I am going to blow up at her, honestly I don't really want to hear it this time, I'm fed up! WHat would say in a situation like this? I'm so bummed and really dissapointed in my friend. She never came and told me a thing. She still has not mentioned anything and my mother's shower is in 3 weeks. Your thoughts, if you get to the end of this, are appreciated:).~bops

[AnnieBrooke]

Honey, NONE of my friends offered to throw me a shower.  My neighbor did (she is my mother's age, and could only handle inviting people who lived on our street, so we had 7 half-awake older ladies) and my sister did (for my family only, not even friends) and that is what I got.  I would say that if your friend is a pain in other ways, this is just par for the course, but I would NOT blame someone who is going through financial issues and her house isn't finished being built for not throwing you a party.  It's too bad she wasn't up-front with you at the outset, but gear down your expectations, hon.  I was disappointed not to have a shower that my friends could come to, but unless I threw it for myself, it wasn't going to happen, so it didn't.  You're ahead of the game on me, since your mom is at least doing it.  Will your mom take suggestions as to the guest list?  You could ask your liveliest pals that way, and even ask some of them to do the games part of the day.

[have 2 kids]

None of my friends had a shower for me.   With my 2nd child the older women I worked with had a small shower for me (5 people)   It wasn't exciting but it was so thoughtful of them.  I received handmade blankets from several of them.   I wouldn't be upset with your friend about the shower.  If your upset about her never calling you or making time for you then address that but I wouldn't bring up the shower    

[lovethebops]

I really didn't see how she could throw a shower in the first place, that is why I wondered why she offered, but since she did, I thought that was her word. I don't blame her for having a difficult time financially right now, I understand, I hear about it EVERY time I talk to her...(its sort of always about her) I guess my expectations were way too high for her in the first place. I just wish she never offered if she had no intention and if it was ever an issue, came to me. I feel a little hurt that I had to hear it from my mom. I don't plan on speaking to her about the shower at all, I am afraid she will bring it up to me. I am happy/thankful that I have family that cares deply about me and our baby girl. I just wish I felt I had friends that felt that way as well...I hope that didn't come off as whiney, That is not what I intended. I guess I am just hurt at the way things have been with my friend lately, and I feel as if I need a break. Thank you for your honesty.

[metalstar83]

I think you friend is in a mess with her own issues, I would accept your mother throwing you a shower.  Maybe you could make suggestions to make it more exciting, like games, a theme, etc.  I would be grateful that anyone would throw a party for me and the baby, regardless of how the party turned out.  I am still a firm believer in the idea, "it is the thought that counts".  Have fun at the shower, you are having a baby! That's the most exciting part.

[pertykitty]

bops maybe your friend forgot she offered or was embarressed about not having the funds who knows.  maybe you could help your mom get some games or activities, suggest or buy her a baby shower book.  you know there are some that get these blown away big catered super parties, and others quiet little gatherings.  unfortunatly we cant control it unless we throw it, maybe you could have your dh help you mom.  my sis apparently offered to throw her friend a shower but was so wrapped up in her own stuff (pretty common) that i think she isnt part of it anymore even though she was put on the invitation as part of the party throwers. bops as we get older and change our friends do too.  my friends that i used to be close with i dont see, they still party hard and dont seem to realize their kids watch what they do. shame.  
anniebrook i cant believe after all those years of ttc that NOBODY threw you a shower with every bell and whistle you can imagine!!  as for me, i had a shower the first time but have told everyone i dont want one this time.  really i cant stand the games nor can i sit there opening stuff with everyone watching me.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Yeah, my friends are pigs (LOL).  I think if I have another baby, I'll ask about 8 close friends to a restaurant for lunch on me, and we can celebrate in a more grownup way than the shower games and so forth.  

[pertykitty]

i agree a lunch with lots of great food (isnt that one of the most important parts anyway? lol) would be the way id go.  today is our big fair, im going tonight to see chris daughtry (from american idol) and eat super nasty things mmmmmm!!  you know, they actually have deep fried pepsi now.  why? lol.  bops sorry to take over your thread.   let me just tell you both, i went bra shopping today, not a pretty site!! lol i need a super hold em up kind of bra.  i didnt buy a bfing bra just yet, what if these milk wagons get larger!!!!

[tif1]

My shower was scheduled for the day I delivered so it was cancelled and not postponed. And since it was cancelled I never recieved any gifts either, I'm not complaining, my mom got us a lot when she came to visit, but I guess being in the hosp for a while prior and baby being in nicu people just kind of forgot about it. I would have been happy with a boring shower, at least it wouldnt be a blank page in her baby book.

[lovethebops]

Again, I am very greatful for all my mom has done (and it doing for me), I am thrilled that she has decided to throw me another shower. She certainly didn't need to, It is wonderful that she wants to celebrate her daughter and granddaughter to come. Where I am, having a baby is big deal, and we try to celebrate all we can, (must be a New England thing). I am not all complaining about the shower I will be recieving, I have some great friends and family who will be there. I also am certainly thankful that I will be having one again so soon, since I just had a little girl 2 years ago, and really am in need of very little. I recieved many nice gifts last time, and lots of warm wishes. I will be happy to celebrate my baby with my other friends and family.

I guess My problem is I feel as if I put more into this friendship than I recieve and that is root cause of my dissapointment, shower aside. I really am not trying to sound whiny or complain about all the wonderful things I do have, I have been blessed and I am so thankful that I am having a baby at all after the unexpected wait of difficultly ttc. I want to enjoy what I can, and I really do not wish to speak to my friend at all about the shower,  I'm hoping she does not bring it up. We have grown apart since she has been busy, but I just don't want to chase after her anymore, if she doesn't have the time. I can't help but feel sad and hurt that things have gotten this way.  I hope you all get at least that, and know I am truely not trying to sound ungrateful or whiney. But I do thank you all for your thoughts. I  will keep you all updated.

[surprisebaby]

I wouldn't be upset with your friend over the shower.  Shower's are not mandatory, however, if she offered, it really would've been nice of her to follow through, but she can't, and maybe she thought she COULD at the time of her offer.
To be honest, my 1st two children were so close in age, they were only 18 months apart,  there really was nothing that I needed (especially as both were boys) so I requested for there NOT to be a shower.  I got lots of gifts when my 2nd ds was born, lots of cute outfits etc., so an actual shower was not necessary.   Even with my 3rd baby, 6-1/2 years later, completely not thinking I would EVER have another baby, I got rid of EVERYTHING....I still did not want another shower, I managed just fine, most of our stuff is Hand Me Down's, which is just fine with me (funny part is most of the hand-me-down's originated from ME!    To each his own though!
I think you should cut your friend some slack.  Some people just aren't as thoughtful as others are or as WE HOPE they would be!  :)  

[tif1]

I do know how you feel, my work was throwing me my shower and I'm very close with everyone there, as for all my "good friends" they hav'nt even seen the baby. When I got pregnant I guess they kind of didnt want to hang. We have all been friends a long time, all stationed together, divorced together, single and partying together, kids all the same age, big, and I got remarried and pregnant and I feel like they just threw me away, it's very hurtful. Plus my MIL who lives in town has never layed eyes on my daughter, never came to see her in the nicu, needless to say I have some resentment and sadness. Babies are big here too and I live in a very hispanic city which traditionally love babies but nobody told my inlaws that...Sometimes I feel like maybe it's just cause it's mine. Ooh didnt mean to trail off on my own crappy life, lol. As for your friend, not much you can do about it, just go with what your mom is doing for you and maybe you could talk with her about it later.

[spade22]

"I'm so bummed and really dissapointed in my friend. She never came and told me a thing. She still has not mentioned anything and my mother's shower is in 3 weeks. "

Have you considered the possibilty that your mother has "distorted" what your friend said or even convinced her that she shouldnt be in charge of the shower?  It sounds like your mother REALLY wants to throw the shower for you (as she did last time) and you have only heard one side of the story - who knows what really happened.  I would suggest contacting your friend to find out her side (does she even know your mother is throwing the shower in 3 weeks?).

Also, why not have your friend help your mother out w/ the shower?  Prehaps she could be in charge of "games" - a job which will make her feel she can contribute without too much expense AND it will make the whole thing fun for you and your guests.

Good luck.

[lovethebops]

Actually, I requested NOT to have a shower as well, My girls will both be close in age and I have all of my first dd's things. As it is, my mother has already bought a ton of things. My friend was the ONE that offered, and I told her at the time, if I was having another girl (I did not know the sex at the time) I really wouldn't need very much. I only got excited about having one(which I did not expect to get another so soon, anyways) because my friend acted as though she really wanted to throw it...that is why I was a little hurt when she let my mother know she was never in a position to in the first place to throw it. I even told my mother I did not need another shower (got so much last time), several times actually, and she insisted and is going ahead with one. I could care less about games and 'big catered super parties'...I am very hurt at how things have become with my friend, I feel so let down, and I would never treat her the way she has treated me. I know you gals can only go on what I have mentioned here, but my time is limited and I can't spell out the whole story. I tried to just get in the basics...Things are not the same and I am saddend by this. I really should have reworded my thread title before opening it, you see it really isn't about the shower, I guess it is more about our drifting friendship.Things have changed, and I should have considered that before expecting anything from her. Silly me for getting my hopes up. It is hurtful sometimes when you expect to be treated the way you would naturally treat others. But I'll suck it up and enjoy what I can. Pardon my cranky, moody pregnant attitude. I thank you for your thoughts and comments,really. Its always good to get an outsiders view point. Hope you all have a good night, I'm off to watch Grey's Anatomy....

[daprincess21]

from experience in being "a rock in a hard place" financially i have wanted to thro showers for my friends at times and just not had the green to back it up. I beilive her intentions are great! i would not think twice about her being your friend, because for some reason she already is and i am sure will be for life. Dont feel as if she doesnt care, bc im sure thats not the case.

[surprisebaby]

Those hormones can get the best of us, perhaps you should wait until after your dd is born before confronting your BF.  Best of luck to you!

[cantwait4baby]

It is hard for everyone in a situation like this.  It is nice that your mom wants to throw you another shower but since you just had one 2 years ago I personally (I said personally please dont write back that I am mean - haha) feel that is good enough.  I had a shower thrown by my mom and friends  - all my friends contributed in one way or another.  This was just last February.  I had my baby in May and I plan to have another baby next year.  I would never ask, expect or request any of them esp. my friends or mom to spend another cent on me.  My shower was huge - I literally got everything off my registry.  I am also a very generous person so I guess that is why I was treated so well.  But if I went to a shower last year and then had to go to another one a year later I would not be too happy about putting out more money when I already did that a year ago.

Just my opinion - I know you didn't ask for the shower and it is great that your mom wants to throw you one but it may be putting too much pressure on your family and friends.  Buying gifts gets expensive.

Good luck to with your baby and I hope everything works out.  I am sure your friend cares and she just may be overwhelmed right now with her own life.  Send her a card or something - try to maintain your friendship - good friends are hard to find.

[tmv]

Hi Bops, I have felt your pain before. Trust me, I know what you're talking about. My bestfriend throughout hs and nursing school did some similar things. I think deep down it's just the fact that they're not there for you like you would be them. It is not wrong for you to think this way bc you just want to do what you said, get out what you put in. It is sad to grow apart. But, unfortunately, time, circumstances, babies,etc. do this to people. It isn't intentional by no means, and don't take it that way even though it does hurt you to the core. You are going to grieve the lost relationship. I think that is the biggest issue here, not the shower. Let her know how you feel. Chances are, she hasn't had much time or energy put into your relationship to think about it. I'm sure she would be hurt,too if she understood how you're feeling.

Your Mom sounds wonderful! She's doing what she thinks is best and that is taking care of her dd and granddaughter. Best wishes and hope everything works out ok. Don't blame this one on your hormones. It's a bit more than that. Good luck to you.

[tmv]

Sorry, I should have titled mine-sorry this is long, too! :-)

[lovethebops]

I do thank you all. Again, I requested NOT to have another shower, several times. I never asked my friend, I never brought it up to her. She said she felt bad that she was not able to get more involved in the last one, and wanted to be the one who did it this time. Personally, I believe another shower,so soon after the birth of my dd, for the same sex, is a bit much myself. I told my mother this, and she is going ahead. I feel guilty that ppl will feel as if they need to buy me gift again so soon, I certainly do not want anyone to feel burdened. I know nothing about the shower at all, except for around the time of when it is(In about 3 weeks)...And when I mentioned that I have not spoken to my friend, Spade, I meant that I have not spoken to her in weeks, period. Not about any shower, I do not wish to speak wth her at all about it; there isn't really anything to say to her about it. In fact, I wish nobody mentioned anything to me at all about a shower. I don't think my mother should have said anything, but My mother would never 'distort' the truth...maybe she would be less than tactful, but not untruthful. It's really not that big of a deal, I can't change anything, but I thought the opinion of others may help me to get a look at the big picture, whether I agree or not. I do thank the ladies that kept a positve spin on the issue. I really believe my friend had good intentions, but was not in a position, but I just think she should have not put herself out there in the first place.(that is just how I would have handled it, I would never offer to do something I knew I was unable to do)  I am sure we will be friends for a long time to come, we are both just busy right now, and Hopefully things will settle down for her once she is in her house and is a little more stable. I have good days and bad days, and it seems little things bother me more on a bad days(which I was having yesterday) than on a 'normal' day. I really hate to blame it on hormones, but I think those and my emotions got the better of me. Some days, I just want to cry and I feel like the world is falling on my shoulders. I thank you all for you great advice!~bops

[decogrl]

I am sorry to say but no one ever does a second shower....I never had friends throw me one.  I think you are expecting too much from a friend who was pushed out of planning the first one, and then is experiencing some stress...I would never want my friend who was going through financial hardships to be expected to throw a shower especially since it is for the 2nd baby...

[lovethebops]

Thank you so much, You hit the nail on the head!  It really isn't about any old shower, I feel sad about our drifting friendship. But after sleeping on it, I have a better outlook on it today. Just one of those silly things that kind of got under my skin while having a crummy day. I thank you so much for your kind words, They are always so helpful! ~bops

[lovethebops]

I realize that, that is why I requested not to have one.

[cantwait4baby]

Glad you are feeling better today.  I hope everything works out - I know how you feel about having the world on your shoulders some days.  It is hard esp pregnant and having a tike at home on top of it I cant imagine.  Your friend is prob going through something similar - I am sure one day the two of you will laugh about it.

Best of luck with your new baby :)

[lovethebops]

Thanks-We are not on bad terms, we aren't on any terms, lol...we are just busy with life and it's not a good time for her. But it's like I said, if the tables were turned, I would do all I could for her regardless, that is just the kind of friend I am. Funny thing is she told my mom (who then told me) that maybe by my 3rd baby, she will have her stuff together and maybe could be in a position to something for that baby. I actually cringed when she told me that at the time (Here we go again, I thought, lol)...somethings are better left unsaid sometimes! :)

[surprisebaby]

Glad that you are having a better day today, sorry if you took my comments to heart about not wanting a 2nd shower.  I know of lots of people who have them, and I always go....gritting my teeth!!! LOL  
I do believe it is hormones.  I am sure that Pregnancy hormones (and in my case...just hormones) can get the best of us GIRLS at any time....It is always best to think about your actions (do as I say, NOT as I do!!!)  LOL...I am older and have closed the door on many AMAZING friends, who I truly wish were a part of my life now, but at the time, they didn't act like I thought they should, or do as I thought they should....*sigh regrets!)  Although the friends that I do have would do anything for me, I do miss some of  the OLD ones too!!!

  Actually the BEST shower I ever attended for a 2nd time around mom with 2 kids close in age was a BRING A CASSEROLE shower....it was awesome.  The new mommy wouldn't have to cook for almost a month!!!!  Everyone brought there favorite (freezable) casserole dish.  All the new family would have to do was heat it up and serve.  What an AWESOME idea!!!!  And other than a few ingredients, it was an inexpensive shower.  

[pertykitty]

i missed greys anatomy!!! was it good? what happened? lol i went to the fair to see chris daughtry which i suppose was better because i ate fair food too :(

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I'll throw you a cyber shower next time around.  I think it rots that you didn't have a massive celebration of love for that baby.

Next time, throw an open house and invite anyone and everyone.  If you don't want gifts, ask them to bring food to share.