Bonds between granparents and grandkids...need help

Hello,
So I have a question. I love the bond that my kids have with my mom and I feel that if they can't come to me with a problem they will go to her and I love that. However my brother's fiancee is totally different. See she has a DS who is 6 mos old, my mom has not been allowed to keep him and she rarely ever gets to hold him, this is killing her. My brother also has another child who he has custody of and now my SIL, or whatever you would call her, is now trying to break the bond between my mom and my niece. My mom had it out with her last night and she told my mom that she feels the only bond her kids should have is with her. Am I wrong or is that just totally crazy? She also told her she has to hold her breathe everytime she goes around my mom becasue she is afraid that my mom will want to hold him. She has also brought up the fact that my mom holds my 7 month old too much. I don't have a problem with it, she said babies have to play too. That I agree with but I also feel we need to hold them and cuddle them. I ley my mo hold my DD whenever she wants and my DD wil let you know when she doesn't want to be held, she loves to crawl around everywhere and play on the floor. I feel like she is attacking my parenting ways now. Does anybody agree with me on this? If not what is your opinion? This is killing my mom and it kills me to see her in so much pain.
Tiffany

[petanka]

I completely agree with you that your mom should be able to hold her grand kids whenever she wants to as long as it does not bother you or the kid and as long as she is good to them. It sounds to me like your SIL has a problem. Maybe she is jelous of the relationship your mom has not only with your kids but also with your brothers first DD and this is her way of reacting. It could be. Either way, there is not much you can do about it. It should come from your brother, but then again, maybe he does not want to deal with his wife/girlfriend, so he is ignoring the problem.

[deanne11]

I kinda of agree but try and remove yourself from the situation, I think you may be too close as it's your mom who is hurt.  I am woman also who loves my parents holding my baby.  I don't feel the same way about my husband's parents holding her.

I hate when my husband's parent drool all over my daugher...HATE it.!!!  Doesn't help that my husband's mom refers to herself as 'mommy' to my daughter...yes that's right 'come to mommy'...I almost threw her through the wall...(happend 2 hours after my delivery)....I was livid.

Anyway, I know it's not the same situation as yours...your mom sounds sane..LOL but as a mother...you love and protect your children like an animal.

I'm not sure how long your brother has been with this woman but it takes time for a woman to become close to her boyfriend/husband's mother...TRUST is huge.  Give it time.

[myproblem]

It actually sounds like sil has an emotional problem and is afraid of being replaced. I know it's hard, but your mom shouldn't take it as a personal attack. Your sil is obviously very insecure, and is afraid that her kids will love her less if they love someone else too. Your mom may just have to be patient until the kids are a little older.

[bookerswife]

I totally agree with you and your SIL sounds like she might have a little bit of some craziness going on! Maybe she had some issues growing up or something! I definetley think SOMETHING is wrong with her for her to feel the only bond she be with her and your brother, that is ridiculous! Your brother REALLY needs to step in! Has he said anything about this?

[pmom]

Thanks so much for your help. To answer some of the questions. My brother is a coward and will not step in. They have been together for about 2 years and before this she was awesome. She got along great with everybody, she always went to my mom when she needed help. My mom is very sane and she has tried to sit back and wait but it seems all her family is aloowed to do what they want with him.
I agree with the person who talked about their DH's parents. I don't let my kids anywhere near my kids but that is because they are admitted drug users and my DH's mom is also an alchoholic. He doesn't even have anything to do with them.
Tiffany

[deanne11]

The fact that she is trying to break a bond between your mom and a child that isn't hers sounds like she has emotional issues.
I too think she is afraid of losing the children's love which is crazy talk.

[emma10]

If she's insecure, she's insecure. She gets to be whoever she is. I would bet that if she felt some space around her, i.e. let up on the pressure, she might relax a bit. She is the mother and she will get to decide lots of things in the future. Probably would be smarter to try to be HER friend and see things from HER perspective (even apologize).  She may feel smothered or threatened, which makes her territorial, not your fault, not mom's fault but you'll have to deal with it if you want a relationship with baby. It doesn't matter who here agrees with you or not or whose on whose side. In an ideal world we'd all be warm and fuzzy like Barney but people are who they are.

[petanka]

If she got along with your mom before the prego. then I have to say give her a time! She may be going through post pater depression etc. Not everyone gets it, but some do. You did not mentioned that they got along just fine before the baby was born in your original post, so it changes the story a bit. Definately give her a time and make your mom understand. We all deal with having children differently. Regarding her breaking the bond between your mom and your niece, somebody needs to let her know that is is none of her business. Will your brother support that?

[jd1419]

Maybe if your mom and SIL got a long before--your brother could keep the baby for a little while and your mom and her could have a heart to heart talk.  Maybe she is just very insecure being a new mom and wants to make sure everything is in her control.  Thejust mey need to come to an understanding and go from there.

[HIS GIFT TO US]

SIL could just be insecure
But that doesn't ok the fact that you mom is being torn away from the kids, I know it's not fair but in most cases when they get to needing $$$$$$ then good ole granny is the greatest & then granny can do whatever she wants w/ the kids. I have a very extra blended fam so I totally relate!

Theres no easy sol. 4 u on your SIL part but hey don't ever let someone elses opi. change your kid's relationship w/ your mom. Just let your mom enjoy & spoil yours all the more, what else can u do if your brother is ok w/ things the way they are? Like u said babies r only babies once :) Let your mom have fun.

Honestly there were times when I was sorta ill at all the holding that was going on, but then I thought ya know there are sooooo many mothers that would give any thing for their moms to still be alive & spoil their babies (maybe u could mention this to her) Good Luck!!! Once grown they don't get back into grandmas lap! Hope your bro realizes this.

[AndiJ78]

Oh, the joys of grandparents : ) People are all different, but i tell you, if my MIL referred to herself as "Mommy" to my kids, there would be a major issue. A friend of a friend went through that, it sort of tipped us all off to the very unhealthy relationship she had with her son (much more to the story) but it was creepy to say the least.

And it can be tough when grandparents try to interject their beliefs, especially if they differ from yours. My MIL and I do not share the same belief system, so I have to watch her like a hawk to keep her from pushing her beliefs on my kids. Fortunately, my FIL feels the same way I do and is willing to step up in my absence.

Anyway, I realize this troubles you to see your mom upset, but this is not your battle. Enjoy the relationship she has with your kids and stay out of the one she has with your brothers. You certainly wouldn't want your SIL butting in any more than she already has, right?

Andi

[deanne11]

Yeah..it's different for a woman who has different life styles and values than their husbands parents.

We are Christians and his family are well...let's just say 'not'.
My husband's mother wanted to do a 'reading' over my daughter once....yeah I don't think so,  keep that witch craft **** away from my baby.

Good luck...I'm sure she'll come around...give it time.  This little baby is her biggest joy and love in life...it's hard to share that.  It was hard for me to share it with my own hubby at times...LOL....I was and still am alway hogging my baby.

Hmmm..Maybe I have emotional issues too.  LOL

[pmom]

I want to thank all of you for your help. I just wanted to know if anyody felt that she was justified in being so mean.
Emma10,
Ya know I know its not about someone being on my side. I was just wondering if anyone thought she had a reason to be a b**ch to my mom. You are right we are who we are and you seem somewhat rude in your answer. I don't feel you needed to be so rude in your answer. I am not trying to gang up on my SIL and no matter what we do we are unable to have a relashionship wit the baby, no matter if we let up or not.
Tiffany