Coping with pain after PG loss....feeling down today =(
Hey girls!!! how's everyone doing today??
Well, I just want to hear from women that have gone thru the VERY painful experience of loosing a pregnancy(ies) and how do you cope with it? Sometimes i feel i am up and ready to go, sometimes i feel there is no hope for me. I feel trapped, i feel angry and something or someone...., i feel resentful, i find myself scrunching up my eyebrows a lot (like when you are mad) walking down the street or even at the mall....and not smiling to people anymore...and it just concearns me.
I find myself walking or looking away from where there's babies or pregnant women....., i feel extremely sad when i see pictures or figures of the size of a baby at 3 months (saw it in a women's expo last sunday....), and i feel helpless and very sad. Sometimes when i try to talk about it, people feel uncomfortable and try to change the subject (sometimes dh does that and really hurts) or say things like 'you're young, next time you'll have a healthy one, you have plenty of time...' and i am tired of explaining people what happened and what is happening in our lives!
I've browsed some websites today about counseling, but not all counselors are trainned for pg loss or thanatology therapy...so, how do you ever overcome this?
Sorry girls, i don't mean to upset anyone...=( I am just in one of those days......i don't know whether to keep my decision of not trying this month...or keep trying but keep failing and facing the BIG dissapointment each month....
(((HUGS TO ALL!)))
V, I hate that you're feeling so down! But it happens to us all. I'm good today but tomorrow I might be down too. It is just the ups and downs of this whole ttc bit. I will say that I do think you should go to counseling if you think it will help you feel better. Did you call the hospitals and ask about support groups or counselors? They might be able to help you. Also, if you're really down there is nothing wrong with taking an antidepressant. Or maybe you should get dh and go on a weekend vacation! You're in PA, why not go get a cabin in Vermont or Maine or wherever! I just want you to feel better!
PS -- got my thryoid/prolactin test results back -- I'm normal! Darn! I was hoping that was what was wrong so I could just take a pill and get on with it ;)
Hang in there girl! I have gotten that way too. How long have you been trying? I have been trying for two years. My first one was two years too. I told my DH I shouldn't have gone back on the pill after my first one was born, but he said knowing our luck we would get pregnant right away. I should have gone with my gut and not taking the pill. My daughter will be 5 in February and we still have not had our 2nd child. We did do IVF this month, so I am still in my tww. How much fertility treatment have you done, if any? I miscarried in January, I would have been due this month. My next door neighbor is due this month, our school counselor is due this month, my cousin is also due this month. It is incredibly hard to deal with, trust me. It brings back many sad memories. Hang in there, we will get through it. Good luck to you. Don't ever stop trying!
Ay,mamasita one of those days huh?Everything you said I mean EVERYTHING is what I'm feeling & have to deal with daily.My dh is very supportive but sometimes he says"why are you depressed just wait till NEXT time".And dosen't want to talk about it.Remember when I said me.sil & cousin m/c on the same mo.Well with me I broke down & came to turms with it the day of m/c.Well sil she kept it in & was like noting for a while,well the other day she broke down,could'nt stop crying everytime I would want to visit she would either be asleep or tired.Her dr. digenosed her & said shes severly depressed & has to take deppression meds.She says her dh does'nt understand.So somtimes letting out your emo.is best.Like I told her let it out grieve your loss OUR turn will come.We'll never forget but we can move on.I think I barley am getting over my funk after 2 1/2 mos.I barely cleaned my house & wash,b/f that I had no enrgy.And shopping don't get me started,I feel everywere I look their's babys or pregos.Remember what you said when I felt down.You have US & we will not change the subject & will listen as long as you want.I really haven't talked or known you that long pero,I feel like your one of my close frinds on this site & look foward to hearing & laughing with you daily.We will be here as long as you want & hope you feel better SOON.From 1 grieving mommy to another.Tu amiga,Adriana (nanis)
I am so sorry you are down today!
But glad to hear that I am not the only one who still gets in a funk...it's been almost 3 months since M/C and I still get down and was wondering if that was normal?...glad to see I'm not alone. I still walk through the baby isle at the store just to smell it...which sends me spiraling down....wish I could stop the self abuse. LOL but it calls my name. :)
You'll have your tough days...just know we are all here, and it will happen for you.
I know exactly how you feel. It has been almost 4 weeks since I had to have a D/C and I am still depressed. I dont want to leave my house incase I see a woman PG. I am really moody and it doesnt help that DH says we should wait a while b4 trying again. He makes me so mad, I want to try soon and obviously I need his help. I cant even talk to him about it cause he just thinks its no big deal and I end up a crying mess. Sorry for turning it on myself. I just want you to know you are not alone and hopefully soon we will be the ones with the BFP. Good Luck:)
I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
I started TTC in April and I've had 2 m/c. One in June and one in September so 2 m/c's in 6 months. I have a 2 year old DD and with her it took the first try and I thought that nothing like this would happen to me. I realized that it is very common through this website. I know how you feel.
There is several ways that I have coped with it. One is exercise. I ride a exercise bike and I think of all that has happened and I ride really fast to get my frustrations out. I now exercise 4-5 days a week. Second I talk about it to my DH,family, or friends. I especially talk to my sister because she has had a m/c and she knows what I'm going through. Talking about it helps me. I also told my family to never ask me if I'm pregnant (they used to ask me all the time) and I told them that I'm not TTC anymore for a while. So I don't feel pressure or in a hurry to have a baby. (I felt pressure from my family). Third, I just told myself that I need to be greatful for what I have and be appreciative of my DH and realize that I have a wonderful DD. So I just concentrate on her. Sorry about your DH I think it is easier for them to get over it than us and they don't think about it at all like we do or something.
I hate when people don't know what to say to you or they change the subject. That makes it hard. Also to see other pregnant woman. If I didn't have a m/c I wouldn't know what to say other than sorry. So I think that they are scared to say something other than that or something.
I hope I gave you some advise, it's not much. I have bad days and good days. I think it's normal. I know people tell us this but it'll happen. I know it will.
What we're doing is taking it easy and not stessing about it like not BD every other day or every day. Just BD when we want and not using protection.
Sticky baby dust to you and me.
You know my story...we talked extensively. I have faith in GOD and HIS promises but I too feel down.
Depressed, sad, angry...angry at women who find out they are pregnant - angry at women full of excitement...I know it's wrong and GOD is teaching me daily but boy I have those emotions...all over the road.
I've lost 3 in 7 mos and while I know in my head and heart that GOD has HIS reason...I can't help but feeling all those things...especially at people who are healthy and pregnant. I know it's wrong...and I'm working on it.
I have the fortunate experience to already have a healthy beautiful little girl and maybe that is why I'm more at peace. If she is it, then that was GOD's plan but my husband and I really wanted 4...now with me at 33...I don't think that will happen.
I'm so sorry you are having one of those days....I'll tell you what help me the other night. A shot of JACK Daniels...LOL.
I'm kidding of course...well kinda. Just know that you are not the only one feeling that way and we are all here for you whenever you need to vent like this.
I know GOD will provide you a baby. I did pray over you last time we chatted and I just got that peace in my heart. It will happen. You are still healing...I think we'll be pregnant together next year...healthy pregnant. Just a feeling.
It is amazing how either of us didn't plan our pregnances and now we both want babies. I never thought it could happen to me. When I was told I was pregnant, I thought I would have a term baby, never thought it would end in m/c. The day I started to spot was the worst day of my life. When I was very young I had a child, but was unable to care for him and gave him up for adoption. I thought that that was the worst day of my life when I said goodby. The difference is he lived and the one I lossed in June never had a chance. In my life time I have lost two children. The m/c sucked and still sucks. I am into my ttw period. I don't even know when my af will show. Anyway I am so sorry you feel like this. God will give you a child pray and ask and believe. Ever time I have prayed for something and believed it happened. Sometime not right away, but he listened and it came true. You will have a baby I am sure and I will pray that you do. Look forward to ttc and make it a joy to do so. I have changed my outlook on it. I am now trying to relax and enjoy ttc :-) Good luck and I will update you on my hpt test that I will take in two weeks if af doesn't show up.
Hey Lady!! I really hate that you are feeling down. I wish I could give you a real hug and tell you that everything will be okay. Take comfort in the fact that you are perfectly normal, we all have our ups and downs.. and with good reason! Maybe you should find a therapist or someone subjective that you can talk to. It may be helpful. We are here for you. xoxox
Do I feel you. I don't know how people do it. I feel completely helples everyday. I have started to look foward to things and then I hit a brick wall. compltely dowm again. I still cry all the time about my baby and you know thats okay.. its okay for you to have good days and bad days. And to say damn it when will it be my turn. its okay to feel like hitting somthing, not someone, when you see a pregnant women who doesn't take care of her other kids. I don't know how to make sense of the fact that god took my baby and gave someone who shouldn't have one, one. I had a 12 year old in the ER the other day preggo, you know it doesn't make sense. but it does make us who we are. I appreciated all the support that you gave me through my rough days , and I am here for you for yours.. iT will be our time soon. Mine isn't this month as originally thought, but I've decided my husband got lucky one more month. I guess those pregnancy test people got lucky too.. LOL keep the spirits up, as you keep everyone elses up. Thanks for all of your support.. Dana
sorry to hear you are feeling down today - in the ttc process, we all have our bad days and our good. Sorry to hear this is one of the bad. I mentioned something in a few posts down, thought I would repost it for you:
my pastor gave me a good message yesterday. I am always looking at my "not conceiving" as a problem. He said to look at these kinds of trials in our life as not problems, but pre-miracles. Once we get our BFP, we will already be a few weeks into it and it will seem unreal - a miracle. So this time period is just a pre-miracle. Try to look at it that way and keep your chin up! (I know, easier said than done...) (((HUGS)))
I was on a 6 wk vacation when I m/cd. I even had to have a D&C in Wales. My sis told me that I sounded cold or something like that when I told her I had a m/c. It wasnt until after we got back that it really sunk in. About 7wks ago I found out that my Best friend was 5 wks prg, and a customer who comes into my work all the time was prg and due at the end of feb. I would have been due in feb. Needless to say there were a few days there were I couldnt stop crying.. It has been 13 wks since D&C and i still get days where I am bummed out when I see prg women.. I have done a lot of walking these last few months too:)
Kris---- I am VERY sorry to hear about the worst days of your life hon!!! I cannot imagine how strong you must be to be able to handle and gone thru what you have in your life since you were young (teenager)!! I always say i admire people that live thru the toughest and are still here, and able to smile...you are one of those!!! God bless your heart and may He put in your arms a healthy baby for you soon. =)
5preg2b--- Sweetie!!! I felt so good as i was reading your post! I never imagine i was able to help someone as you say i did to you! And i am sooooo glad! I am also so sorry about your loss and please know I am here for you, i will listen to you and i will try with all my heart to help you with anything! God bless your soul hon!
Jen023--- I agree with the 'pre-miracles'! that is a very sweet way to look at it!, i know sometimes i am very ungrateful and i feel bad about it. I should be able to see all my blessings surrounding me, and here i am, complaining. Is just sometimes i feel it is very unfair! this SHOULD HAVE NEVER happened! i SHOULD be 6 1/2 months preggo right now! and i am not??? why??!!- you know what i mean...=(
God bless you honey, and please know i am also here for you. =)
Tinye---OMG!! i went thru the same thing! about the numbness and finally sinking in....when i m/c, that very same day family from CT came to stay with us....i didn't have time to cry...then, the next day after my DNC (3 days after my m/c was discovered) my parents came to visit me for 3 months....didn't have time to grief! i even told my mom...'let's just pretend this didn't happen and let's keep our shopping for baby clothes and paint the room!'.....WRONG THING TO DO!...i didn't have time to cry...grief, or feel anything until BAM! i didn't fall pg...first, second and third cycle after that....right now is when it's sinking in i think.....
God bless your heart also hon, and thank you for your support! =)
OH MY GOD GIRLS!!!!!.....just to read each of your posts made me teary eyed, and i felt that big 'potato' across my throat....
I cannot believe i am so blessed with people like you guys!!! it is just outrageous how special i feel right now, after reading all kinds of loving words, wishes, sympathy and to realize i am certainly not alone, as any of you are. Each one of you have given me a ray of light this afternoon with all this very special and meaningful words you've given me girls, and i just want to tell each one of you how MUCH i appreciate your friendship, your time, and your love, and please know each one of you is BIG TIME corresponded by this little mexican =)
(((HUGS AND KISSES)))
Lau---Hunny!!! all i gotta say is: thank you for always catching me when i fall!!!!means the world to me that you're always there!!! also, that is a great idea! i will give the hospital a call and find out if they have any support groups....i actually never thought of that! (duh! lol) Thank you sweetie, God bless you as the special girl you are. =)
Keepthefaith---Thank you VERY much for your very loving words hon! you don't know just how much better you made me feel after your post! God bless you and give you all the peace in your heart you so much deserve!=)
Oldnewly---Well, what can i say about you! you are a big ol' sista for me and for a bunch here and your words just mean a lot for me sweetie! God bless you right now with peace in your heart and with a so much wanted little baby! =)
Comadrita hermosa---Gracias mi ninia por tus palabras que me haz regalado hoy. I want you to know you are one of my best friends here and even when i am not fortunate enough to know you in person, i feel the closeness with you not only for sharing (unfortunately) an awful situation like this but also from being from the same wonderful country, mi Mexico lindo!
Papa Dios te bendiga a ti, a tus gorditos, a tu esposo y que te de un bebesito pronto en tus brazos!
Jayme--- I am EXTREMELY sorry about your loss 4 weeks ago hon. I know exactly what you are going thru and it is, at least was for me, the toughest situation i've been put thru in my whole life. I feel you and i also want to say i am here for you when you feel down. Thank you for listening to me sweetie, it means the world to me! God bless you too and may your heart heal in no time.
Lilu--- I really can relate to everything you said about the family and friends, the pressure, the questioning....and there is NO need for us to be explaining ANYTHING to people. It is just down right painful. Thank you for your loving words hon, it is a HUGE comfort to know girls like you care for me. God bless you always and give you peace in your heart.
Deanne---Thank you so much for your support hunny. I agree with you completely about God's will....understanding it is tougher though, when you are mad....at who knows what....it is not easy to have peace in your heart, but prayers coming from such a special girl....are a blessing themselves. Thank you for your time and prayers, and for listening to me. May God bless you and give you peace in your heart.
Girls, i think we all have a special 'reserved seat' in heaven, or wherever place we go after crossing over, just for the fact of going thru this, being so brave, and being able to develop so much love during and after we overcome it.
Thank you all for your friendship!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I just have to say one thing...all of you have been a blessing to me. My family and friends have a lot of faith and they always give me the GOD's will **** and I do believe it but there are days when I just want to scream and be angry and feel the pain.
Unfortunately...or should I say fortunately my family and friends don't understand as no one I know has had a m/c. Well..1 cousin had a blighted ovum a year ago but she won't talk about it....I don't even think I'm suppose to know.
Anyway...I too feel the 'change the subject' scenario over and over again which is why I feel so grateful that GOD lead me here. All you wonderful ladies feel my pain and grieve with me. Each one of you know the daily struggles...
That even our husbands unfortunately don't even understand.
I don't know if how I handled my many m/c could be considered "coping". I never talked to any of my family about it. I didn't even tell my younger sister, who I am very close to, until after m/c #5. My mom (in my defense, she is pretty crazy) still doesn't know that I had m/c's. She just thinks it took a long time to get pg. I did tell some girlfriends. After m/c #6 I really shut down emotionally. I just couldn't let myself feel anything or I would melt down. I thought it would be better after I had my daughter (pg #8), and it did for a while, until I had more m/c's, and was told to quit trying because of my health. I was of course thrilled to have one healthy baby, but I never expected to get just one. I was devastated that I couldn't have more, and quit testing. I knew I was having more mc/ but I just couldn't allow myself to be sure. This pregnancy is nothing other than a miracle. It was brought about through the prayers and faith of my little girl, who at less than 2 1/2 began to pray for a sister. A couple of months before her 3rd birthday she told me I was pregnant with a baby girl. When I asked her how she knew that, she said that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ told her in her sleep. I tested the next morning, on cd 27 and got a light positive. I was never afraid this time. I bought new maternity clothes at 6 weeks, and started buying more girl clothes at 8 weeks. If it can happen for me, it can happen for almost anyone.
P.S. I did get REALLY sick of people telling me that I was young, and had plenty of time. I still look 17, but I'll be 31 in a couple of weeks. I did not have plenty of time, and it was the wrong thing for them to say. In their defense, I'm sure they thought they were being comforting.
I don't think you, or any of us, are ungrateful... although I completely understand that feeling as I have been there so many times myself. We are just going through tough times and it DOES seem so unfair at times. We just simply want what so many have - and for some it seems so easy. I know, I try to look at my blessing too - but some days it is just harder to do than others. That's what is so great about this site. We are allowed to have a bad day and to vent and everyone listens to us and give us so much encouragement and hope! Don't feel bad at all, that is what we are all here for. I also appreciate everything that you and everyone here has done for me. You have given me encouraging words too on my bad days, and no one will ever know how much I appreciate and need that. So thank you for that and God Bless you too!!!!!
OMG!!! now that's an inspiring story!!! I am so glad you got to share this with me!!! thank you!!
You know? i've heard that little kids have not developed any 'barrier' as us grown ups and can feel, talk, hear, and see any other entities, energies, etc that we normally wouldn't be able to....cuz they are pure, their energy is too new, is too fresh and they are not 'humans' enough...they are still half angels!....there's in fact a book that talks about that and i am going to get the info to give it to you! it is SO interesting! the author of that book is Sylvia Browne, have you heard from her? i believe in a lot of energy and spiritual stuff....i really do!
BIG HUGS TO YOU GIRL! =)
This was by far my favorite series of postings in weeks. I've been on this site but not contributing too much. After our 2nd loss in July after ttc for 2+ years, i'm pretty much not so happy at heart. We just relocated which has actually been a blessing for me. My two sis n laws are both pregnant and the family focuses on kids and pregnancy for the last 2 years, and unfortunately, my DH and I just don't fit the mold for the families. Noone understands how painful this is, and that we have good days and bad days. People expect me to be over my losses, say i'm young too (at 30) and I can't stand it. We're ready for a family, ready to be blessed and it's so painful to watch family members, friends, and even tv shows--everyone is pregnant. How can we possibly deal and be comfortable with our pain when in each of our own worlds, noone understands. I too, am having an extremely down day as this week our first baby was due, and I found out last week that my last pregnancy which failed in July it was a boy. I'm having a really hard week, and wow, I only told my husband that stuff. It's impossible not to be upset and disappointed that I could've been delivering this week, or that I was having a boy. I found out last week my sil is pregnant and I have to put on a happy face this weekend as we go home to celebrate their pregnancy. My world in my old home was filled with lies because noone wanted to hear how sad we were. Atleast in relocating, I feel free to be myself, to be sad, or happy and try to meet others who understand. I've been seeing a therapist who has experience with infertility which has been extremely helpful for the last 8 months. I would suggest it to those who don't have a strong support system. Sorry for venting, thanks for listening. Guess I really needed to get things off my chest. Best of luck to all those in pain, and all those ttc. Hopefully one day we'll be blessed.
Hugs and kisses to everyone here! I'm so thankful we have each other to lean on! I'm so sorry that we share such awful experiences. I--like the rest of you--feel so alone at times. It's such a hard topic for people to talk about--including our dh's. We got into a "knock down drag out" the other night because I felt he hasn't been supportive. He felt bad that I felt that way. I think he just doesn't know how to be more supportive--hasn't been there I guess. It was pretty much over for him when the Dr. said it was a missed m/c. It didn't occur to him that I'm still going through it. I think it's kind of cruel how the hormones stick around awhile and our bodies continue to bleed--and our hearts will never be the same. For some reason we're meant to go through these experiences--maybe to be able to help others through it later--maybe to make us a little stronger--maybe to realize how fragile life is and not take it for granted--and the maybe I hope for most is to feel so blessed and loving when our little one(s) finally make it into our arms. I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers out to all of you that you have happy and healthy pg's when you're ready for it.
Just wanted to add a comment about our "half angels". I have a 2 year old ds. The day after I learned I was pg this past May, my dad was over for dinner and my ds pointed to my belly and said "baby!" We hadn't said anything to him yet about the pg and I didn't even know he could say "baby" yet!
Then a couple of weeks ago, we were driving to the Colo. Railroad Museum to ride Thomas the Train. We hadn't been to this part of the state ever in his life. Right across the street from the museum was the vet where I would bring my wonderful dog who died a year before he was born. As we drove by, he said 3 times, "Mommy's Goggie". I was blown away!
Wow,what a great story.I'm sorry for all your losses.But want to say congrats,on your preg.I have 2 other kids.And believe me I'm so gratefull to god,I love them so much(dd7 & dd11)without them I don't know what I would have done.When I was preg my son was 4,I didn't know I was even preg he told me "mommy tour preg,& having a girl."I was shocked to find out I was.kids are little angels.With this one(m/c) I didn't even know also until was found to be ectopic.They never got close to my preg. & still sometimes don't believe I ever was.I some times feel selfish.Here I am with 2 wounderfull kids & wanting atleast 1 more.When other ladies can't even have one.But there something about the motherly instinct in all of us.My kids are bigger independent in school,shower them selves,serve their own snacks & dont even think of picking them up & rocking they won't have that.It's nice to have a baby & after 7 yrs. I though this was it.I will be ttc in jan.but if not I still have my two beautiful kids.god bless you & baby.STICKY BABY DUST 2 all!!
I am soooo sorry that you are down today... I am off and on like that too.... I have not conceived since Oct. 2005 (but m/c Dec 05)... so I truly understand.....some days I just want to cry...all day!!! I am also angry and I feel like "why is this happening to us??" It is veryupsetting and people just don't understand!!! I am hoping that you have a better day tomorrow but just know that it is OK to have days when you are feeling down....we definitely deserve to have these days....b/c we have been through A LOT!!! Please let me know if you ever just need to vent!!! I am here for you!!!
I am so sorry that you are not feeling well today and I completely sympathize with you. Just on Monday I leanred that I was pregnant (early stages) and go today and learn that my HG levels are decreasing and I had a m/c. We have been trying since last year (already have a 6 yr old) and like someone said, my son wasn't planned (even though he is truly a blessing) but it's frustrating that I am trying to get pregnant and can't. I have cried the majority of the day but just reading all the comments has lifted my spirits b/c I realize that I'm not alone. We will keep trying and praying for a healthy term baby.
I will keep you in my prayers and I hope tommorrow is a better day for you.
I cannot say anything else to you sweetie other than I LOVE YOU!...thank you for always being here for me....thank you for always making me feel better....i wish this wouldn't have happened to you or me or anyone here, like i said, no one deserves to go thru this! i don't even wish this would happen to my worst enemy!....
Love you looooots!!!
ps. now i feel like when i say im on a diet and then pig out...lol (about the trying or not thing this month..)
It's hard not to get those feelings! I think we all do. I have a TWO baby showers to go to next week and I'll go because I feel obligated but I will hate every minute. And I'll leave early, etc.
No one is punishing you. There is just a different plan for you and in order to get to what's supposed to be your life, you had to cross that one hurdle that sucked and caused you pain. You're going to get preg and have a beautiful baby and you are going to love him/her...and then you'll realize that you wouldn't have that baby if something had not happened to the other baby. That's kind of how I look at at least.
I say don't give up. Don't obsess but don't give up. Let me know how that fertility mintor works ;)
Good morning girls!!!!! How's every one doing today???
Thank you so much guys for your support and for your wishes and for your venting!!! you know? it feels so good that not only helps me (the threads i post) but others of you that are going thru similar situation, i feel so proud and glad that i am able to help and get feedback from girls that don't normally post but did like this thread and went ahead and posted! that is sooooo fullfilling for me!!! =))
Di, Marieamy, Pipps, Pbaby, Melzie, and Trying...and the rest of my girls!! thank you so much!!!! =) I love you guys!
Well, i need to vent a little also....
After talking to you girls yesterday...I felt so much better, i went home and took my little doggie out, and said hi to my kitty and took my shoes off and walked in my house (went to get the mail first) and after saying hello to my furry babies....i saw this envelope (kinda girlie) with a strange name on it...for me! ...hmmm, i thought even maybe was one of you girls! =) so here i am, walked to the kitchen, opened it and sure enough man!...it was a very cute BABY SHOWER invitation for one of dh's best friend's wife....(quick note: they both sh*t money, she is one of Baltimore's museum's manager, and they were NOT planning a baby...she is 7 months or so ...and i would be the same time by now...) BOOOOOOY! did that ever hit me like a HUGE brick in the head!!!!! holy shoot!!! I felt seriously like i was gonna faint! i started to get dizzy and went to lay down to the couch and just broke down in tears.....my puppy jumped on me at that moment and i just SCREAMED at her!....she got so scared she just pulled her ears back and looked at me like 'what is wrong with you? i was just trying to play...'...and i felt HORRIBLE!!!! i felt the most worthless bug ever!! (sigh)
I just went out with her for a walk...and i was crying all the way!...people just looked at me funny....i didn't care.
Just thinking and thinking and thinking...how unfair was this? what kind of sick joke was this? who is laughing at me? life?, how morbid all this has turned!, this is just morbid!, this shoudn't be happening! what is the purpose of this happening? i should be 7 months now! i should be wearing maternity clothes! i should be caressing my belly all the time!...no, i am not...this is like a very bad dream! why did it ever happened? what did i do wrong? was it me? i know i said before i didn't want kids at the time, but i really didn't mean it!, every time i tested before getting pg i was silently hoping for a double line!....., why did i fell pg in the first place if it wasn't meant to be!!!!!!???????? why why why!?
I am so sorry girls, i do not mean to agraviate anyone with all my stupid venting....i know God's plan...blah blah blah...but i think i am mad at him....(sorry again...it's coming from a very frustrated woman right now that doesn't know what she's saying...)!
I know i said i'll take it easy this month....now i don't know! should i not give up and keep trying? ...i placed a bid for a fertility monitor at E-bay!!...=( sorry Oldnewly! i broke my promise....
Love you girls...
Hey- never apologize for how you feel.
You know I'm a devoted Christian...but after 3 m/c this year...I'm mad at GOD too. I love HIM and know HE is perfect, but I'm still raging mad.
It hurts...hurts that HE took my 3 little peanuts away...away from a woman who wants to raise them and love them and thru them show the glory of my FATHER in heaven.
But boy am I angry - especially when others less deserving are blessed and raise children who are less than GOD fearing and GOD loving....it's not fair!!
Anyway...guess I'm having the day you had yesterday. Jealous and angry at all those women who have babies and don't care for them or conceive and abort them. Sorry I just read a news article where a woman smothered her twin boys - 9 months old.
Wow! What bad timing for a baby shower invite! I'm sitting here looking at one too. But, in my case, it's a close friend that has been through a lot to get pg. It's a little easier for me to be happy for her. Luckily, I've had one successful pg and a wonderful ds to prove it. I can't say though that it doesn't s*ck when I see pg women and wish it were me. One would be due 2/15/07 and the other would have been due 5/1/07. Somehow, I think those due dates will get etched in our minds forever.
On a positive note, I know that I would have never been born if my mom hadn't had a m/c prior to getting pg with me. She would have had 4 kids at that point and definitely would have stopped there.
I believe that you'll eventually be blessed with an incredible, intelligent, beautiful baby(s) that you won't be able to imagine your life having turned out any differently. It's just not easy for any of us that have gone through this cr*p to see that right now.
I have been able to rejoice at least in my own loss and that is to celebrate GODs goodness in leading me here.
If I hadn't gone thru 3 m/c this year than I would never have found this site..which is truly GODs blessing on me.
HE took my children back to heaven as they were HIS first and I can bring glory back to GOD as it has brought me closer to HIM....but for these women who hurt and murder their own babies...I can not rejoice in that. I can be glad that GOD called those children home as not to endure any more pain but boy would I like to get my hands on those mothers.
Girls!!! thank you for your responses!! As always, i feel so blessed every time i hear beautiful words from you, it just warms up my heart....
I am not a devoted Christian, or Catholic, in fact I don't even know how to call my religion...i guess i am a Believer???, well, anyways, I do believe in God though, our heavenly father....(I do believe in Him, I know he is nothing but good, nothing but love, nothing but positive energy) I am (we are)surrounded by Him at all times.....i think it's me that doesn't see Him sometimes, He is there, I just don't turn to see Him....because i refuse to understand why (??), maybe that's the reason...i don't know, i can't think....my mind and heart are like blury....
I am even afraid to pray...i think if i pray then im gonna obsess again, and the let down is gonna be bigger...maybe if i just leave it alone, it'll happen....
I feel so jelous too! I feel is sooooo unfair this girls are getting pg .... at the same time, they must be really happy, and their dh's! and that is so cute....is just not happening for me...
I want a baby very bad, i just don't wanna express it...if you realize, i never say "i want a baby!" or "i want to be pg!",...even though i say i wanna try or not try, i am scared to say i want a baby cuz i know it won't happen...and then i'll feel the BIGGEST loser in this world.
I am reading this book called 'the power of now'...by Eckhard Tolle, BOY!!! is it ever AWESOME!!!! read it girls! i really recommend it! it's about how you can separate your mind from your being and feel peace while you 'hear' your mind thinking, but yet you are 'still', you are 'living that moment' ...and it just explains what i believe...in a God that is 'everything' not just an humanoid entity...and he calls Him the 'Being'...it's just so cool.
I just called the hospital for a counseling referal...as always...no one answered the phone... =(
I am this close to tell dh i wanna try again this month....i am scared though....i am so jumpy! so scared! so angry! man!!! ...
Thank you for your loving words girls! I love you too!!!!
Can I just tell you one more part of my story? If I had had babies any sooner, we would've been so broke. I hated everything I had to go through to get to this point, but as I look back at it all from the other side, I can see God's wisdom, and His plan for me. I'm not trying to convert you to anything, but just show you that from the other end of the road, you can see the purpose of the path. About 3 mos. before I got pregnant with my daughter, I got a job that paid more than I had ever made, and more than most people can get in a small town like I live in. I was able to work until a week before she was born, and that put us in such a good position that we wouldn't have been in otherwise. This time, just after I found out I was pg, we learned that my husband will be gettting a $400 a month promotion the month she is born. I my babies had come when I first asked for them, $ would have been so tight, which can cause so much stress. At the time I was in the thick of ttc, I had to bite my tongue many times when I saw people in public being mean to their kids. I wanted to tell them that if they didn't want their kids, someone else did. My husband had to tell me to use a quieter voice many times when I loudly expressed myself to him (hoping they would overhear. Don't despair. On the other hand, if you can't handle going to the baby shower, don't go. Tell her the truth, or make up an excuse. You don't have to torture yourself for anyone else.
I know girl, i know...and you know what? part of me is saying 'well, you always see the why's after you walked that path full of stones' God has always been there to catch me when i am about to fall deep. I don't know how much longer am i gonna be able to handle this pain....sometimes i feel fine, and feel like life goes on...sometimes i go right back to the thought of that cold 'surgery room'....if i ever wanna picture something that makes me cry in a second, i just have to think about the 'surgery room' and i am off in a second! =(
Anyway, about your inspiring story...Oh man!!! see? i do believe that His timing is perfect...it happened for you! and it has happened for me before....but this time... when i learned i was pg, that same day we went to see this little cute house (ours now) (we were renting at the time) and we decided to jump over it!, next thing we know, we owned a home for my little one!, then a week later, my dh got a HUGE raise...and a week later i got mine!!! it was like 7000dlls more a year! (is huge for me...lol) then, we went and bought a car (to replace our piece of s. car dh was driving and died that week) and then a truck! my parent's plane tickets to stay with me for 3 months (and see my belly grow from 3 to 6 months) and my boss told me i could work from home!!! EVERYTHING WAS TIMED PERFECT! and BAMMM!!! someone said...'no baby for you' and took my little bean away. That's why i don't understand why it happened....it should have never happened! ....maybe a year from now i'll understand....i hope...=S
Thank you for sharing that beautiful story sweetie! you give me so much hope!...and is because of people like you that i decide to keep trying every month....=)
Totally agree with you hon! I really think that when I (we) get to hold my little booger in my (our) arms, that's when I'm gonna realize that all this BS was totally worth it!
I know, I feel bad for feeling this about pg women. It is not fair for them. I think it helps when i talk about it, I sat hubby last night and talked and talked and talked! That really helped me, and the fact that he was so understanding! =)
Thank you for your response sweetie, God bless you and your little one! and also the future one that's coming soon ;)
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