Couples Counseling? Male or Female Therapist

This may not be a maternal/child issue but I'm very tight with all of you women on this board so my fiance has agreed to do some couples counseling with me.  There are some issues going on that I wish to not talk about right now but we're trying to work through it for the sake of our family.  I've been looking at therapists who fall under my insurance plan and what do you think would be a better type of therapist to seek.  A male or a female?  I know whichever it is has to be biased and not judge but I don't want a someone who only sees his side of things because he is male.  The same goes for a woman.  I don't want her to discount his feelings because she empathizes with me.  However, I do want someone who is going to be sensitive to my feelings and I'm not sure a male therapist would.  Any recommendations?

[mami1323]

I meant unbiased...wow, didn't get much sleep last night.  Please forgive me.

[GNicole]

That is a tough one. I think it depends on the person. I am hesitant to say woman because I also think some male counselors are very good. You have a 50/50 chance either way. Do you know anyone who could recommend someone to you? Someone that has actually went to the counselor and liked them. Good luck hon, I am sorry you are in a tough spot! Hugs as always!

[mami1323]

Thanks hon, I really appreciate the support.  Um, my bestfriend has gone to many counselors regarding her unhealthy marriage but they are all in NJ.  I guess I may just have to try a couple of them out to determine if I like them or not.

[GNicole]

You could also check with your family doc or OB and see if they recommend anyone. Sometimes they have some good insight. That is of course if you think they know you well enough to find a good match. Good luck and keep me posted!

[newbie2b]

You know, I think we could use some couples therapy as well.  I think the whole dynamics of a relationship changes so much after baby, that it can be helpful to any and every couple. Dont worry, your not alone.

That being said, I'd say try a women at first.  I'm sure she can be unbias and maybe explain things in a different way to each of you so that, you get a better understanding of each others views.  You can always find another if it doesnt work out.

Good luck and, I'm starting to think that lots of people have troubles but dont seek out help.  So your on the right track, seeking help.

[mami1323]

Thanks newbie.  Yeah, let's just say it was a betrayal on his end.  I'm sure everyone can read through the lines on that one.  

The baby has changed everything but they are supposed to change it.  Most of the time for the better but in some cases it doesn't work like that.

I'm hoping for some resolution but if there isn't then I just have to stay strong.  Thanks ladies, I appreciate the positive words.

[babyscience]

I usually always say female, because that is usually who I feel comfortable talking to.  But your DF may feel like he is being ganged up on.  I think women are able to express themselves easier and know how to allow and initiate conversation.  Not that a man counselor wouldnt be able to do that.  Maybe ask your df who he would feel comfortable talking to.
Lord knows WE ALL need counseling!  I was just thinking that last night as I was trying to put my baby to sleep for the 5th time last night with a raging headache while sweet hubby is laying comfortably in bed...getting some good sleep for his 8am wake up schedule.  While I am worried about getting at least 5 hours of sleep in!

[babyscience]

It is very good you are looking into it.  If it is betrayal on his end you do need to work with a counselor to get passed it.  If you do get past it the hardest part is not bringing it up in the future.  Choose to accept, forgive and then forget (which forgetting is the hardest part, but the only thing that will make a relationship weather thru it).  Good luck, I hope you are able to work through it!

[jenstam]

I have always thought that the man would be resentful and feel ganged up on if a woman counselor was being used. I would go for a man, but then it would be you who might feel that way. Although, I would think in that profession they would be less biased no matter what gender they are. I think a male would be best.

babyscience-I hear you on the sleep issues. It's so hard not to get resentful when we are the ones providing most of the care and our sleep suffers. Not an easy thing to deal with.

[mami1323]

My df or a-hole as I call him now, has never once put our son to bed.  They have no idea how hard it is.  That's what makes this all the more difficult.  Here I am providing for our son, working my a$$ off and struggling and he's doing what he was doing.  Oh man, I just have so much anger right now.  

Thanks ladies, maybe I will consider a man, I think if I'm not comfortable with him then maybe we can go to someone else.

babyscience - I'm going to try to move past it, right now I'm just struggling to get through the betrayal.  At least I know I have support from everyone here.

[babyscience]

You poor thing!  Yeah I would want to rip his eyes out if I were you...but I guess that wouldnt solve anything....hmmm, well maybe it would!  I really hope everything goes good for you.  You have a tough road ahead with your AF (no longer means aunt flow...but a$$-hole fiance, LOL).  If he can show you change and is willing to try, I have faith you can deal with your anger and move past it.  I have never been in your shoes that I know of, but I would be doing the same thing that you are doing.  Just dont tell my DH that, I wouldnt want him to think it was a free ticket!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Hi mami,

I am sorry you are going through whatever you are going through.  Betrayal of any kind is very difficult to deal with.  Forgiveness.....such a simple word, but can be very difficult to do.  I am learning a lot about it by being married, I have to tell you.  Before I was married, if you betrayed me, you just weren't in my life.  It was just that simple.  But now I have this big family to think about and it's about so many people besides myself.

Back to your original question.....I prefer going to see a woman.  I actually think they have a less chance of being biased than a male.  But I have more faith in women, what can I say :)

We have gone to some counseling and the first woman, I didn't like.  I did feel like she was bashing him and I didn't think that was fair.  So, if you see that is happening, I'd just not make a 2nd appt. and find someone new.  But even with that experience, I still feel like women as a whole would less likely be biased.  We see a woman counselor now and she seems pretty fair.  Just MO though.

[RockRose]

mami,  I think you're half way there with your first post - trying to find a therapist who will see both sides is a very good starting point.  

Then,  I think you need to have goals that are in common for therapy.  Have you both sat down, and decided you both want to make this work and you will change what you need to change,  and he will change what he needs to change to have a better relationship?  

In general,  would you say he's a good guy and he's worth making sacrifices for,  and he's worth going through painful times?  Or really is he a selfish slob who is a womanizer and a user and he ignores the needs of his family?  I think before you make a decision to bother with counseling,  you need to decide if basically he's a good guy and your relationship has really suffered a blow.

Best wishes.

[mami1323]

Oh ladies, I was so afraid to post for fear of harsh judgment, it really helps me that you are being supportive.  You have no idea how much this means to me.  I'm almost in tears right now just because of you all.  Thank you all.

Do I think he's a good guy?  Right now it's so hard to answer that since I'm so hurt by him.  Do I think he's sorry and wanting to work at it?  Absolutely.  Right now, he's not the person I thought he was.  To risk our family and to lie to me for so long.  I just find unforgiving.  Of course this is fresh so I really am having a hard time.  He's desperate to make it work, I'm more on the fence right now.  I've agreed to counseling but I make no promises with him.  I don't know if that hurts our success at this relationship because I'm being so cold but I'm just completely blown away by it all.  You know I had a feeling for a long time now but just didn't have proof.  I knew it would show itself to me someday, I had just hoped I was being crazy.  All I can say is trust your intuition.  

He's angry at me right now because I want him out of the house and he wants to stay and sleep on the couch.  I just think a little space right now is best.  

[baboojamaica]

Oh bless you heart.  Men are such ahole babies!  I call mine ahole.  He says that is going to be Gabe's first word- HA!  On a more serious note, we have gone to a woman therapist before and it worked out pretty well.   She was able to make each of us see the others point of view which we never could before.  Hugs to you while you are going through this.  If you ever need to talk or anything just type on over!  I am always on here!

[mami1323]

Thank you baboo, men are the worst.  I wonder if lesbians have it easier...lol.  Just kidding...but not really...lol.

[mslkpage]

You just need a good therapist- whether they're male or female won't matter if they're good at what they do. If it were me, I would go by myself a couple of times and then bring dh in, especially since your emotions are so raw right now.

Good luck.

[jenstam]

I am guessing he cheated? Is that the betrayal? If so, hopefully not with one of his ex (one of his children's mothers)? I'm sorry you're going through this...It is the worst form of betrayal. Maybe this is not what you are referring to though?

[pertykitty]

im so sorry you are going through such heartbreak.  i know that my sis and her husband are going through counceling and they are doing much better.  they chose a woman simply for ins purposes.  i think in either case they will be professional and non judgmental or take male/female sides.  i hope whatever happens is for the best.  i wish he could meet us all in a dark alley lol

[mami1323]

Thanks mslk.

jenshim - yes, he cheated.  Not with an ex.  This is a new chick who knew I existed and who knew we had a baby.  Such women should be ashamed.  Have no respect for a family nor for themselves.  She actually thought that he cared for her.  Stupid, like he would leave me for her.  Why would you want a man who has a family life?  

perty - I will lead him down the alley and let you all have a swing....lol.  Actually, can I lead that bit*h down that alley as well?

[Michele, Katy, TX]

mami, I don't know what happened and you certainly don't have to tell us/me, but I just want you to know that WE ALL have problems and I have them with my husband all the time.  Constantly wondering if I am doing the right thing or what the right thing is.

I just want you to know that I am here if you ever need someone to talk to.  Please feel free to PM me anytime.

[mami1323]

Thanks Michele.  After having a baby, you become so insecure with your body and this just doesn't help.  I will definitely pm you.  Thanks.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

You are so welcome :)  I don't know what I would do without the few forums that I visit.  I get more support here than I do with the people in my everyday life.  Go figure......

[mami1323]

I think I'm afraid to tell some of my friends.  If we do decide to work things out I don't want them judging him and treating him differently.  Even though he so deserves it, I think I would just feel very uncomfortable.  My friends would be so unforgiving.  Not all though, the ones who wouldn't I did tell.

[cantwait4baby]

My fiance and I went to relationship counseling - she was a female and she took his side. hahaha  It was just too funny - she actually said that he should get to go out 2-3 nights a week to have his time.  Now - he does not go out ever he is a good dad with all of that the counseling did not have anything to do with him going out and she suggested it.  I said thanks, make my life more stressful so we fight more.  Never said I should get to go out 3 nights a week.  She said Men need their escape.  Lets just say we left there laughing and I told him you can go out three days a week when you have your own apartment. hahahaha

We get along much better now but did not really have anything to do with counseling.  He works two jobs now, we do not see each other as much so we appreciate each other more now.  

Hang in there you will be ok.  It is a hard time having a new baby and a new way of life.

[mami1323]

Thanks Kim.  I would of smacked that woman.  Men need a break like we need a gunshot to the head.

[jenstam]

Oh man...that is a tough one. I'm not sure I could move beyond that form of betrayal...that is the worst. You poor thing. I understand the insecurities after having a baby but look, a GOOD MAN will see your beauty no matter what and will not hurt you. If you decide to work on the relationship then you are a better woman than I am. I just don't think I could get over something like that. I would constantly be wondering if I could trust again. I give you credit for considering counseling and working on things.

BIG HUGS

[mami1323]

Thanks jen.  I don't know if I could move past it either.  I guess we will see.  I am always going to wonder even years from now.  I'm not sure if it will work.  I'm willing to try for the sake of our son though.

[vsentz]

Oh sweetie! I am so sorry that happened to you! men are JERKS!!! i call mine dh... (d*ck head! lol) =)
Here's a big hug hoping you work things out FOR YOUR, and BABY'S sake.... I really hope you find peace in yourself, and believe me... I know it's difficult, but your body deserves more respect than any other b*tch because you bared a child! I mean, your body was capable of forming, creating and mantaining the life of a child!!! *hats of to you*

Girlie, we are here ok? if you need to vent just give us a shout!

as for the counseling: i've been there too... argh... and been with males and females.. i had a lady who took his side once too! (b*tch! lol) and one guy who was absolutely worthless!... in fact the last one was a lady.. but even tho she looked like a weirdo, she was good and helped us big! (of course w/baby and all we're right back to where we were! lol)

HUGS!!!

[newbie2b]

Is she out of her freakin mind? lol He needs escape? What about us? The mommys who do EVERYTHING? Who work, come home to work our thankless, second jobs, get zero time for our selves, are lucky if we get a 20 minute shower!  I can't believe you didnt curse her out...lol Give me her number, I'll do it!

:0)

[1nana]

Sorry, but I'm with jenshim on this one.

Although, I do applaud you for wanting to get counseling, and  trying to better your relationship.

I wish you A LOT OF LUCK!!!

[CYW]

im so sorry you are going through this as well.. i have been there but with no "admitting" that he cheated.. just left with 2 std's. Having a baby changes our lives.. i wish they could feel the same we do but men will be men that don't always think with the right "HEAD" haha...well nah i'm actually serious... Time is a good thing.. I am still taking time.. and it has been almost 3 months...I am still broken hearted and yes i do cry and wonder why me.. i blamed myself for the whole start.. was i not good enough etc.. but wait no i was a freaking awesome girlfriend.. i cooked, i still do just not for him lol... but anyways i always cooked, i clean i take care of our baby.. which he made too which he wanted(of course i wanted a baby too but it wasnt in my plans RIGHT away) i did EVERYTHING for him...the only thing i blame myself for was being the idiot for not realizing this all sooner, especially with all the signs.. as you said trust your intuition.. you never always have proof BUT there is that doubt and that doubt came in when i was pregnant..  i blame myself for not being smart enough to take that step back and look at the whole picture but i dont blame myself for not being good enough anymore.. it is his loss.. i still love him and i think i always will.. we have a child together.. whether we TRY back together or not, only future will tell but right now my child is my priority and i have no need for his selfishness and foolishness...I too have wondered about lesbians lol.. j/k but i have wondered if ever being with a girl would be better but the answer is no matter what relationship is, there is always those issues...

it isnt easy but if you want to work at it then you go for it.. i can say i want to try back with my ex but not right now...things are going good so far.. i am working so hard...being a single mom isn't all that hard...i always did everything just i had some company.. if i want company i hang out with friends...that accept my son or family...that's all...

as for a counsellor being either male vs female its a tough one.. you can get a man that will be very empathetic and unbiased or you can be in a pickle..same as for a female...BUT the whole point in being a counsellor is to put aside your private life and NOT be biased to those you work with...

i wish you the best of luck hun...anytime..you need to talk...im here you know that:)

[mami1323]

vsentz - at least you can respect what I went through as a mother.  Let me give you my idiot's number so you can tell him a thing or two.

wannabenna - thanks, I only hope that I can get past it but not knowing right now.

CYW - You know I will be writing to you girl...thanks.

Well we met for lunch to talk more....well more like me asking questions I really didn't want answers to and now feel even worse.  Don't know why I wanted to know these things.  Anyway, we were in footlocker because I wanted to buy his older son his birthday present.  Guess what song comes on in the store?  Keisha Coles "I shoulda cheated".   Is that fate or what?  He looked at me like what, I just stood there and was like "nothing".  I think that's my song for this moment in my life.  I can just see myself playing it over and over when I get home...lol.  Well he's agreed to let me have my space.  He's going to be staying at his sister's house until I want him home.  I told him not to expect intimacy from me anytime soon, if ever.  I asked him if he could keep it in his pants or if he will feel the need to cheat again since he's not going to be getting any.  He said no that he will wait until I'm ready.  I told him I can't even imagine when I will want to go there, I want to vomit just thinking of it.  So that's where we are at now.  I hate men!!!

[CYW]

mami what you are feeling is totally normal.. after 3 months i still want nothing to do with keith or men for that matter...it is really hard and one day you will either get passed it together or move on...and you know what.. it will work out in the end.. the first few weeks i found were SOOO hard.. space gives you alot of time to think...

what makes me mad about people.. not just men in general.. could be men women whatever the situation.. and i think this is why i dont want to start over or try in some way and you may feel this way too is that if you try and give it your all and they turn around and do it again and betray you...again.. and then once again they swear they wont do it again etc.. i think i fear that and i am sure well pretty sure anyone else would as well.. i mean i strongly think a person can change or correct their mistakes if they really want to...if not then it's hopeless...and that;s where it gets tricky...:S

[cantwait4baby]

Hey you are back, hahaha I know that is what I said - All he does is work and play.  Works a lot and no he does not go out and hang with his friends but he gets to come home from work and just play with the baby.  he is gone before me in the morning so I wake up at 6am, get dressed, wake her up at 6:30am.  Dress her pack her bag and give her all her meds - out the door we go to my mom's where thank God she feeds her there.  (she wont eat first thing in the morning).  I go off to work - work full time - come home and go right over to get her - give her dinner and he is walking throug the door - she is so happy to see him because you know her dad is just God to her.  WHATEVER! done eating cleanup (he is in shower) he is out of shower plays with her while I clean up the rest of the kitchen then my dad takes her for a walk - whoo hoo my time to do wash.  Back by 7 in the tub for her - bedtime for her (both me because at this time he is off to his 2nd job) she is asleep by 9 then I get a shower.  meanwhile we are trying on baby #2 so I have to stay awake until he gets home from work.  I cant wait to be pregnant again so I dont have to have you know what.  lol - just kidding boy how times have changed.

AND HE NEEDS 3 NIGHTS AWAY?????????????

ARGH! - go to a male counselor. haha

[mami1323]

He needs more than 3 nights.  He needs weeks.  I just spoke with his older son's mother and she's fuming mad.  His son knew something was up so she asked me if everything was ok.  I told her the truth.  She told me to make him suffer.  She's known him since they were 16.  

[Michele, Katy, TX]

How cool that you get along so well with her.  Not many people can say that.

Just PMed you.

[Jenny100]

Mami, I am so so sorry. I am gonna cry for you! Why would anyone cheat on a woman as beautiful as you? And with a baby in the picture. I am just so sad for you. I feel so bad for how your heart must be hurting right now.
We love you so much, and you know we will all keep you in our thoughts and prayers!
*HUGS*

[mami1323]

Michele - yeah, she's a great person.

Jenny - thanks my love.  I love you all also.  You are my homegirls.

[vsentz]

mami, give me that 'pendejo' number and I'll tell him what he's made out of!!!!!!

(granted... don't give me his address... or you'll see his obit on the paper REAL soon!!! lol)

Of COURSE I respect a woman that has been put thru 'the joys' of being a mother! and you know what? I respect a woman that has been put thru the trying to conceive 'joys' as well!!!!!!! Put a damn man, going thru half of what we went thru and they'd end up wailing in pain!!!

argh... now you got me all warmed up!

don't worry sweetie, we are right here for  you. =)

[mami1323]

Haha - can I give you that "puta's' number to?...lol.  You know I wrote that sh!t down.  

I know, we tried for a year and a half for Jayden and this is what he does when we finally have him....argh....now I'm all hot and bothered.

Thank you hon.  By the way, I love that new pic of your daughter.  She's so scrumptous.

[girliegrl1723]

oh mami! i haven't been on all day and i am heartbroken to read this! i am so sorry you are going through this. its so terrible. you seem to be such a genuine person. i don't understand how he could do this to you!?!? did he come clean or did you find out some other way? if you don't mind me asking. i give you a lot of credit for giving counseling a try. i don't know if i could be that strong. but i know you are being strong for jayden. ugh. i want to kill him for you!!! that little boy of yours is the most handsome gorgeous baby ever (next to mine of course - haha) and i can't believe men can just overlook that for
s!uts. ya know? grrrrr. i wish i could give you a big hug! i wish i lived closer, because i would come over with edward and lots of popcorn and candy and a great movie and hang out with you all night!!! as far as counselors go - i work for a divorce lawyer and while i know you are not married yet - i thought it might help to tell you that 90% of people who come in to get divorced dont even try counseling. so maybe it will help you get this past this and for your family's sake - that would be great. im sure you feel like you never saw it coming and it hit you like a ton of bricks, so it will take time. lots of time. but you take all the time you need to heal. don't feel like you have to let this go just because he is jayden's dad. ya know? my boyfriend before my husband i dated for 4 years and never knew he cheated on me 8 times with 8 different girls. one person felt so bad for me one day - they just told me. and then everyone else confirmed it. needless to say - i dumped him like a bad habit. but i know exactly how you feel and i know your heart is in your throat and your stomach is doing flips, but it will be OKAY. i promise!!! no matter what you decide - its going to be OKAY. i have so much love for you. pm me anytime you need to talk or if you want my email. i am here for you. xoxo

[mami1323]

Hey girl.  Thank you for your kind words.  He didn't tell me, I found out.  Those bloody text messages, they get you every time.  He had no choice to confess after I spoke to the chick myself and got her side of the story.  He said he was going to tell me but didn't know how...yeah ok!!!  I hate when men think you are that naive.  Like I believe anything he has to say.  I told him to me everything that comes out of his mouth are lies, even if it is the truth.  There is no more trust.  I wished you lived nearby to because that sounds awfully good.  Movie and a friend.  I scheduled an appointment with a counselor for next Friday.  But for not he's not coming home, he's staying at his sisters and she's ripping him a new a-hole.  She called me to see if I was ok and told me she told him he was stupid.  I told him to tell her because I want him to feel ashamed for what he did.  Why hide what you did?  He should be embarrassed for his actions.  His older son now knows because his mom told him the truth.  He called me and I told him it was ok, that I will see him no matter what.  He can come by anytime he wants to see his little brother.  He was mad at his dad.  His actions hurt everyone involved in our lives.  His children love me and I love them.  They are affected to.  It's just the sadest thing when a man can't appreciate what he has.  Thanks hon.  I will probably be on here more now then ever.

[babyscience]

I dont think men ever think about what they do not only affects you but children and family around.  That is not the first thing they thing of when they cheat.  My mom and I always have this conversation with my DH and he believes that is true.  If it were us in that situtation we would stop because you first think...I have children....then you think I have a husband (LOL).  You would be ashamed if your children found out about what you did.  I am sure he is feeling that now since his son and his family is upset about what he did.  If this relationship is important to him, he will/should try in any way to make you love him again.  At least he is answering your questions now and that is a start.

[holly_b]

Mami I am so so sorry for you, jayden and the rest of your family. What an a-hole. He doesn't know how good he's got it. you seem really lovely in all your posts and you and jayden are both gorgeous in all your pics. I don't know how he could do this to you. You are really brave to go for counseling and whatever happens I hope everything works out great for you. Hugs and prayers to you and Jayden. xx

[holly_b]

Oh also I would feel more comfortable with a female I think males tend to be biased towards each other sometimes but maybe you should try one of each and see which one you prefer or something. Best of luck xx

[mami1323]

Thanks babyscience and holly.  I can't figure out why he would do this to me.  I know we have been rocky for a long time but you either choose to work on it or you go your separate ways.  He chose to be selfish and basically have his cake and eat it to.  The only problem now is part of his cake is now on the floor.  Don't know if that makes sense at all.  But we've been communicating via phone calls and some are decent, some are angry, some are tearful.  I have a million emotions and can't fathom how he can claim to love me and yet not care that he could hurt me so bad.  He's going through a ton of regrets right now.  My thing is, is it regret for hurting me and destroying our family or regret for getting caught.  I guess only time will tell.  I'm taking everything day by day.  He's keeping Jayden for the night.  At least I can get a break and some sleep and he can get some appreciation for what I go through by myself on a daily basis with the baby.  Maybe now he won't take me for granted.  

Just a little fun at that ******* expense...my fiance's sister who I've complained about, actually redeemed herself tonight.  She asked me for the girl's number and so she called her pretending to be another chick.  Saying that Richie was messing around with her to and that she at least didn't know about me but that she was a homewrecking ***** and disgusting bit*ch.  Hahaha.  It was a long message about how stupid she was for thinking he would leave his wife and kid for her.  That she's a dumb homewrecking idiot.  Just thought it was funny.  Maybe a little highschool but hey, it's not like I made the call....lol.

[babyscience]

I totally understand about the cake on the floor part.  Just because your relationship was on the rocks doesnt make it okay...H ell I think most women who just had a baby have a rocky relationship.  It is a hard transition from being a partner to being a mom and still a good attentive parter.  Their needs sit on the back burner for a little bit until the child is grown...just like our needs have been set on the back burner long before the child was born...LOL...They just need to deal with it like men and not like babies!
Your are right about only time will tell.  Right now it is hard to tell if he is truly being sincere or because he lost his family.  Hopefully he can attempt to show you each day he is sorry, even though I know you are not having it right now.  So he has a long road ahead....and one is getting rid of that frickin cell phone (LOL, I know we have had this discussion before about my DH).  Bust out a bat and break the sh!t out of it right in front of him!  LOL....sorry some of my pent up resentment towards cell phones just came through!
Wow that is too funny that his sister called her.  When it comes down to it, girls will stick up for each other even if you guys have not been on the same page most the time.  She knows her bro was a dumb a$$, and that girl even more of a dumb a$$ if she knew he had a kid and a fiance.  What the h ell was she thinking, she was going to get him in the end of it!!