DH visiting Gay sites...Please no negative feedback

It has been a long time since I posted here but I'm feeling like I don't have anywhere else to turn to right now. I'm in my 19th week and am scheduled for my 20 week ultrasound next week.

I caught my DH visiting gay porn sites and I don't know what to do. We were intimate when I came home from work yesterday and then we went out later and left our 7 yr old ds with a babysitter (my son is from a previous marriage but calls my DH dad). When we arrived back home I took the babysitter home and when I got back he asked if it was okay if he didn't come to bed with me since "he'd taken care of me earlier". I was curious this morning and checked the history on his laptop. All the sites he had visited last night/early this morning were gay porn sites. I found out that he's bisexual after we had gotten married and even found out that he has had same sex encounters before when he was married to his ex-wife (she liked to have threesomes with two guys). My DH claimed that he didn't like it and wasn't interested in ever having a threesome again but now I'm wondering if he wants to be with another man. All the pictures I saw were men on men action. I'm a really easy going person but I'm feeling very hurt and confused...

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[tinad]

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Is there anyone else here that has gone through something like this before? I am not planning on leaving my DH over this but I am planning on demanding answers. I don't know if I'm over-reacting because I'm pregnant. Do a lot of guys view gay porn? I know I find other women attractive but I don't want to have sex with them and I certainly don't want to see another woman naked. It's basically a thought in my head that the other person is pretty and that's it. Could this be all that's going on with my husband?
I understand that this is an open forum but please don't post if your response is that I should leave my husband. I'm stressed out enough over this issue and I don't need negative feedback from people to top it all off. I'm also completely in love with my DH so I'm hoping we can work this out. I'm hoping to get some support and suggestions on how to handle my talk with my DH later tonight. Thanks ladies.

[mslkpage]

So many straight guys look at porn, so I wouldn't be surprised that he's looking at gay porn if he's admittedly bisexual. Do you feel like you can talk to him about what he's found?

[tinad]

I wouldn't be concerned if it was regular porn. This was all gay porn with 'guy on guy' action. No girls anywhere. I will be talking to him about this later tonight after my son is asleep in bed. My DH knows there's something I need to talk to him about. I just don't know how to broach the subject. He didn't let me know that he was bi-sexual until after we were married and only then because I asked him after we ran into an old friend of his ex-wifes. This guy was very gay and was making comments like they had been together before. He wouldn't talk about his relationship with the guy so I assume he was one of the guys he had a threesome with when he was with his ex-wife.

[AndiJ78]

I think you need to figure out what is bothering you. Is it the porn itself or the fact that it is 'gay" porn? You admittedly knew of his biseuality before getting married, correct? So I could assume that isn't was has you upset. Or perhaps you hoped that the marriage would "erase" that part of him?

I sound like a broken record on these things, but the only way to resolve this is to communicate openly with your husband. Lisa is right, sit down and talk with him. Tell him what you found and let him know why it has you upset.

It is tough to feel rational when you are pregnant. Take some deep breaths and kind of prepare yourself mentally for wha is to come. It won't make sense to discuss it if you aren't sure why you are angry or hurt. Again, evaluate what part of this made you upset. Was it the fact he hid it? The fact it was gay pron? The fact it was porn period? Were you feeling set aside for the porn? Whatever the reason, you should be clear. Your husband probably has no idea how you feel on this and would probably be interested to know you are so upset.

[tinad]

No, I did not know he was bisexual when we got married. I found out after the fact. I was able to deal with it then because I thought he would remain faithful to me but I'm not so sure I can keep him happy anymore. He made it very clear to me last night that he didn't want to be with me sexually so it hurt me very much to find out that he went to a gay porn site after he said he didn't want to be intimate.

[tinad]

Unfortunately, I don't think I explained myself very well in the beginning. My husband admitted to me that he's attracted to guys and can get turned on by looking at an attractive man but he said he's not interested in having gay sex or watching gay sex. Maybe I'm naive but I believed him. The gay porn sites he went to are exclusively men having sex with each other. I wouldn't care if he got turned on watching a man and woman having sex but of course it bothers me that he didn't want to be intimate with me and then went to a gay site with guys having sex. He had told me that the bisexual thing he had going on with his ex-wife was an experimental stage and it is what led to their divorce because he didn't want to continue and she did. Now I don't know what to believe. I feel like he's been lying to me or at the very least not being as open and honest with me as he should be. I had a difficult time accepting when I first found out he'd had bi-sexual experiences but I got over it because I thought it was in the past. I wouldn't have married him if I had any inkling he was bisexual or potentially gay. I have a young ds and I don't want him to be exposed to that kind of environment. My ds uses my DH's laptop everyonce in awhile. I don't want him to hit the wrong button and see men having sex with each other. I was raised in a very strict household and we didn't even know things of that nature existed until I was out of the house. I plan on raising my son and baby in a similar way. I don't want them exposed to a gay or lesbian lifestyle when they're young. I have no problem with people's sexual orientation and if one of my kids are gay than I will accept it but I don't want something to influence them at a young age. I hope I've explained myself a little bit better.

I know many people that are gay or lesbians and I don't judge them in a negative way because of their sexual orientation. However, I don't want my children to be subjected to that lifestyle.

My DH never told me that he watches gay porn. He's doing it behind my back. I said in the beginning that I'm talking to him about it tonight to let him know I'm upset by it. I was hoping there was someone else on here that went through a similiar situation and could help me through approaching the subject with my DH.

Thanks for your comments everyone.

[AndiJ78]

I'm sorry I guess I misunderstood. Hmm, this is a tough situation. How do you view his porn viewing? Would you be upset if he opted to view "regular' porn rather than be intimate with you the same way? Again, I think you need to be clear in your own mind what about this entire situation upsets you and have a candid conversation with your husband.

Do you feel he is being unfaithful by looking at gay porn? Do you fear he may act on his desires and be unfaithful? These are all questions you may want to consider and as I mentioned, have an honest and open discussion with your husband.

[tinad]

Thank you for your insight. I am totally in love with my DH and don't wish to leave him over this. It's just a really hard situation to be in when I'm almost 5 months pregnant. I do wish he had been up front with me instead of me finding out about it later on. I don't usually look in the history file of his laptop but last night I just knew he was up to something from his actions and the look on his face. I almost wish I hadn't checked the laptop this morning. Anyway, we'll talk about it tonight and I'm sure we can work through this but it won't be easy. Thanks for sharing.

[socgirl]

I agree with mslkpage's comment....alot of guys (gay, straight, bi,ect) look at porn.  Since your husband identifies as being bisexual, it isn't so surprising that he was looking at gay porn.  He's attracted to men as well....not in the same way you find other women attractive.  Because he chooses to view porn (gay or straight) and might have other sexual desires/fantasies, etc...doesn't mean he's not attracted to you.  I can understand why your feelings were hurt and i agree with the other comment that you need to have an open discussion about this  (without attacking him).  He needs to know it bothers you...but really, at this point,  i wouldn't take it personally (though it's hard not to).

[lawgirl17]

I totally hear what you are saying and would be stressed out in your situation as well (as if it isn't hard enough simply being pregnant let alone dealing with another child and potential touchy issues with dh). However, not wanting to be intimate and looking at a gay porn site are two different things. I think it is important for you to determine whether you feel like he is cheating on you because he is looking at these sites, or whether you truly don't mind him looking at porn. If he is admittedly bisexual, there shouldn't be an issue with him looking at gay porn if you don't mind him looking at regular porn. However, I would mind my dh looking at regular porn and would therefore take issue with him looking at gay porn as well. If you feel this way, I think you need to explain it to him. If you feel like it is fine for him to look at regular porn and say that you are okay with him being bisexual so long as he is faithful, then I think that having him look at gay porn should be no different than regular porn. Unfortunately, I think this is an internal issue that you have to decide alone ... what are you comfortable with? Are you hurt because you feel like he is cheating? Are you hurt because he didn't tell you in advance (or after) that he was looking at these sites? Etc. I truly with you the best!

[chellybeans]

i understand where you are coming from. i have never been there myself, but i know someone who has. when you found out after the fact and decided to stay together you decided to accept his bisexuality. one side of that is being attracted to men. he probably sees looking at the gay porn the same way any one sees looking at porn. its a fantasy side of himself he is not indulging physically so he has begun to mentally go there. i think he knows you are uncomfortable with this since he waited until you went to bed, but are there other trust issues? i never check the history after my s/o is online. i would tell him exactly how i feel. i mean he needs to know your concerns and what you feel like about him looking at men having sex. honestly, calmly ask questions about him and how being in a monogamous straight relationship affects him. if you feel like you BOTH want to make this work out go to a marriage and /or sex counselor. i think that will get to the bottom of why you are hurt and why he is being sneaky.

for my friend, she has accepted his bisexuality and he indulges in fantasies frequently, but physically they are together and monogamous(read he looks at stuff online but does not indulge literally) it just all depends on what you can accept.

i really wish you the best, and just so you know, he says there was never an issue with her. he just had a curiosity and interest in men, and there was no way she could fulfill that. he said nothing caused it, it just happens.

[5preg2B]

if your husband is bi-sexula all porn will excite him.  my husband looks at porn and honestly we have a great sex life.  I would openly discuss it with him and see if there is anything he needs to talk about.  he may feel better knowing you know...    

[AnnieBrooke]

Please don't worry that if a child is "exposed at an early age" to gayness, it will affect their sexual orientation.  All of the science on the topic says sexual orientation is inborn, not learned.  You have enough other issues without tossing in the kids and their supposed safety from bad influences, it isn't possible to "influence" a child to be gay. (Gay parents raise straight kids all the time.  What it produces are straight kids who are used to being around gay people.)  

I'd spend my energy on figuring out other issues, such as whether you think your husband is telling the truth when he says he is satisfied with you and with being monogamous.  He's a man first, and as we all know, men are historically more squirrely about being monogamous.  But it doesn't hold that a gay man or a bi man would have MORE trouble staying faithful if he gives his word to be.  A person doesn't have to be gay or bisexual (or even male) to be nervous about "forsaking all others."  But even if he were nervous about his ability to be monogamous it does NOT mean he will cheat.  Sometimes it's simply a matter of keeping one's word, and that holds straight or gay, male or female.  

[tinad]

I just want to clarify that my ds does not and never has watched any form of pornography. Nor would I ever condone something of that nature. My DH's laptop is normally locked and my ds is only allowed to use it occasionally.

[Agiesmom]

I think the bigger problem is that he didn't disclose he was bisexual before you married--that is a serious breech of trust, imo.  But I know that you said you've accept that and that's not what your post is about.  It's about porn.

If it were heterosexual porn, it wouldn't mean that he'd want to find some porn-star looking girl to have sex with, so I'm not convinced that looking at gay porn means he wants to find a guy to have sex with.  That said, I'd still talk to him about it.  But don't expect him to say, "Yeah, I'd like to be with a man."  You know he's not likely to admit that.

In the meantime, DO NOT let your son on his computer--ever!  Don't take the chance that he could open a bookmark or history site.

I don't blame you for feeling upset and confused.  Check out iVillage--they have a board on marriage and porn and also have a board on bisexual issues (under Love and Sex).  You may find some helpful comments from women in your situation and also read posts that may give you some insight to your dh's perspective.

[Me2mommy2b]

I completely understand how you feel.  I was using my DH's laptop before we were married (not even engaged) and I was trying to find a website I went to but couldn't remember the name of it so I went into history of searches and saw some porn pictures (naked women only) but still I felt so sick to my stomach that he was doing it.  When he came home, I told him what I saw and how much it upset me.  I was very calm even though I was fuming inside and felt like kicking his a**.  He just told me "I'm a guy, guys do that".  What kind of an answer's that?  Oh, and another thing he told me "Just b/c I'm looking, doesn't mean I'll do something about it (i.e., go on cheating, etc).  Yeah, it was tough to contain myself but....So, talk to him as calmly as possible.  Most likely he was "just looking" as my DH put it and thought nothing of it.  I hope you're going to have a nice talk which will put your mind at ease.

[JTSHB]

I'm sorry to have my opinion, but I would say that his ex-wife probably divorced him because he is truly gay.  If he is looking at gay porn, then I don't care what anyone says, he's gay.  He's not coming out fully and that is why he is claiming bisexuality.  I had a b/f back in the day that rented a gay flick.  He had it on and I was like, "what?"  I knew right there, that his mind and desires are in the closet with actually being gay.  He can fool himself with being with women as socially it's more acceptable for him, but I will say in "my" opinion, he is gay.  I think that in the long run, you will find more problems, sad to say,and infidelity.  He will hide it from you and you will feel always like it is you.  Tell me this, is he affectionate towards you?  Does he hug you and do you actually have him look in your eyes when he hugs you?  Do you feel connected with him?

I will say from back in the day, I always felt something "missing." with the ex-b/f.  I could tell something was up.  I always felt insecure like it was that I was fat or something and felt like I was not desireable....AND his sex drive was always OVER the top in my opinion.  Kind of weird actually.....He is with women even to the day, but deep down I know he is in the closet with it and I'm sure dampering with it ON THE SIDE...believe me...I remember someone gay (sounded like a drag queen) called our phone and left a message for him.....I can still remember it to the day.....he said, "hello -----, this is steven, don't deny your past."

You know what that told me?  He is gay and that is that...but he finds it too hard to just be gay...I will tell you, I have no problems with someone being gay, but don't hide it from someone who loves you and don't hurt them....just BE if you are......that is "my" opinion.

I also know someone else (FUNNY, the same chick my ex-b/f hooked up with) but she was married to a man and he too told her he was BI-sexual...well guess what?  they had two kids together...and guess what?  He was constantly in the gay bars LIVING HIS BI-SEXUALITY part of life.....so sex with her was enough to make children with and then they divorced...he continues to be BI-SEXUAL but with MEN ONLY.....and funny, the ex b/f is WITH HER.....you know why?  Because she is willing to live the bi-sexuality life....and have him DIP his fantasy now and again...which is just a lie....he will cheat on her and have in the closet flings until one day he brings her home a disease.....

I'm sorry, but I hope it works out for you...but I only see heart ache at the end of it...any man that looks at gay porn is gay in his heart and can't find it in him to come out with it already......you can love him, but he will never be fully  yours....and that is sad.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but again that is MY opinion.....

JT

[Agiesmom]

JT, I had a gay male friend in college and he told me that "bisexual" is another word for "confused".  He believed that if you can have sex with someone of the same gender and enjoy it, you're gay.  He told me that he could be with women and that he had been many times before he "came out".  He said it was always good sex--it would take him a long time to "get there" and that would involve lots of fantasizing, but the women always complimented him on how long he could go.  He also told me he constantly fought the desire to have a "normal" life--wife, kids, white picket fence, and not living the difficult life of a gay male.  He told me he met an amazing woman one time--went on about her like he was in love and said that he thought she was "the one".  He didn't talk to me for days because I brought him back down to earth by asking him how long he thought he could be married before he went out and had sex with a man.  But he ended up not seeing her again.

[workingmamaof4]

Please don't be mad or offended at this, but I just want to urge you to protect your health, and your babies health.

Gay, or bi-sexual, men who attempt to suppress their urges and have normal relationships with women are more likely to slip up and step out one day. There is even a term for it, it's called "living on the down-low." That's what they call a man who cheats on his wife with men. And it's one of the leading ways HIV is spread.

[jmorris04]

i happen to know several bi-sexual people who are truly bi-sexual, and i think a lot of what people are saying is based on stereotypes and misconceptions.

my friends have always been open with their partners regarding their sexual orientation, and have been so up front, regardless of what gender they have been involved with.  when they are with someone, they are neither gay, straight, or bi-sexual, they are monogamous and committed.  if a man (or woman) who identifies themselves as bi-sexual "strays", it has very little or nothing to do with their orientation, it has to do with their lack of commitment.

i have one friend who told me that, for him, it was more a matter of being attracted (physically, emotionally, and sexually) to an individual, rather than feeling as if sometimes it was men and sometimes women.  he has been in long term relationships with both genders, and i do not believe he has ever strayed.

and i think tina needs to have a discussion with her dh regarding whether his viewing of porn is simply that, or a sign of faltering commitment.

i know my husband looks at porn, it's just something he does, doesn't mean he loves me or wants me any less.  but for some people, it's a major issue.

[JTSHB]

I agree that some couples can live a "lifestyle" of bisexuality.  But those couples are what is called "swingers" for the most part....if you can live that lifestyle and not have a problem with it and having multiple partners, by all means......I don't condemn your life...I don't have it infringe on mine....but if you want a spouse that is commited to you and you are not "into" this type of lifestyle then you will have a major problem with it.....he will hide it as he knows you are not into it...and you risk your health and emotions in the end.

Most men hiding something like that are more likely to be promiscuous than a committed man in a relationship.  

I am happy to say that I have a hubby now that is committed and very masculine.

I have had opinions from men and most hetersexual men will agree that if you are "trying" the gay lifestyle, then you ARE gay.  There is no IN BETWEEN.

For a man it is different.  It is very tabu for a man to be with a man.  So if you go over that edge, then you are gay in most men's opinions.  

There are many men that battle having and wanting a "normal" marriage to a woman and have kids, but they fool themselves and in the end the one that loses are the wives and the children.  The men will eventually go where they have the desire.

JT

[jmorris04]

i wasn't actually talking about swingers, i was talking simply about people who are very open and honest about their orientation with their partners and do not try to hide a part of themselves from anyone.  they have dated members of both genders, and while always monogamous, were open about their orientation and the fact that they were also attracted to members of the same gender.  

do people stop feeling attraction to others simply because we are married or otherwise committed?  i don't think so, i think we all simply ignore those things once we have made the decision to be in a committed relationship.  is every man who watches porn (in any form) not satisfied with his sexual life?  again, i don't think so.

and while most straight men would feel any homosexual activity makes someone gay, straight men are also MUCH more likely to feel as if their masculinity is being threatened by homosexuality in general.

regardless, MY experience tells me that being bisexual is a true orientation independent of being gay or straight as evidenced by people that i know and love.

and i think the likelihood that someone cheats is based solely on how committed they are to the relationship and to the person they are in the relationship with, not their sexual orientation.  unless there is an assumption that men, particularly gay or bisexual men, do not have any control over their urges.

i'm sorry if i come off particularly passionate about this, but i was uncomfortable with the stereotypes and assumptions that were being thrown out regarding bisexual men.  such as the HIV statistics (millions more woman get HIV from straight men than bisexual or gay men).  especially since we know nothing other than that he watched porn one night.

if tina knew her dh was bisexual its not unusual to hear that he may be watching gay porn, anymore than it would be unusual for me to find my husband watching straight porn.  the reason he hid it from her?  THAT'S something to talk about.

anyway, i wish her luck in sitting down and talking this out with her husband.

[jmorris04]

i would have to agree with others who are saying this isn't different than a straight guy watching straight porn.  if he has admitted that he is sexually attracted to men, the fact that he would look at gay porn is not surprising.  a lot of men look at porn regardless of whether they are fulfilled sexually by their spouses.  people watch what turns them on.

perhaps he was embarrassed to tell you he was experiencing certain feelings right now.   i feel like the only question you should have for him is if this recent increase in interest will effect him in other ways, such as his fidelity or his willingness to be intimate with you.  i know several couples where one partner is bisexual and although they continue to feel that sexual attractive and watch same-sex porn, they are emotionally and physically committed to one person.  that should be what is most important to you.

as for your ds.  i wouldn't worry about seeing same-sex porn influencing him towards anything.  it won't effect his sexual orientation.  however, since its inappropriate for a child to be viewing any kind of pornography, you may want to consider putting child blocks on certain websites.  

[brentlie]

Girl, I am so sorry this is going on with you right now.  I really have no experience with anything like this, but I do think the best thing to do is talk to him about it and see what his explnation is.  You need to know if this is something he does often, if this is something he wants to act on, or if he was just scrolling the web, came accross it and decided to watch.  Did you talk to him last night?  If you have a open line of communication you can work it out if you both want to.  Good luck and let us know what happens.

[Frustrated1964]

I understand where your coming from.  My husband also looks at gay porn, shemales, and women. He did not tell me he was bi or anything of that nature until we had been married for 12 years.. He says he is bisexual. But im not sure what he really is...our sex life is slowly coming to a hault.  Do what your gut tells you to do.  Ive now been married for almost 17 years...it scares me to death to think that when our children our grown and gone if he will be done with me.....he denys being gay. And as for it being inborn............Thats a bunch of ****!!!!! Studies show that well over 90% of gay people were abused.  

[pertykitty]

this post is a year old, she isnt around anymore