Daycare Or Stay Home... What to Do?!

Ladies... I need some opinions to help me make a pretty big decision.  I have the opportunity to go back to work for pretty good pay.  The daycare across the street has an opening for my son (who is now 10 months).  I am having an internal battle primarily focused on the fact that no one can care for him like I can and that I feel bad.  Not that I actually want to work, but it would get me out of the house and provide an extra $17,000 for my family to pay off my student loans.  Now, if I just did it for a year we would have pretty much all of our debt paid off and then if we have another baby it would be fine - I'd quit and do that, then stay home.  But even for just a year I feel awful considering putting my son in daycare.  He won't be able to nap in his crib, or do what he wants, or that - but it would be great if he could be with other kids.  

Now, I am absolutely bored here at home but I think I can deal with it.  I would love the extra money, but I really am not a big fan of working but I might be if it meant I could get out of the house doing a job I might actually really like.  Did I mention this job would have benefits which would save us a huge expense as well?  

Okay... so not that I want to open up everyone going at each other's throats but I would like opinions from both sides - the stay at home moms and the working moms and everyone else.  What do you think... should I take the full-time job and extra money (even if for just a year), or should I just do the slow and steady route to paying off debt and stay home with my son?  

DH and I are seriously considering removing my IUD and doing natural family planning, so I would have an increased risk of getting pregnant while we figure it out... which since I had a complicated pregnancy last time and miscarriages all other times, that is something that also needs taken into consideration.  

Help!

[michelle_rusty]

making that  decision is never easy. i say do what makes you happy. and if only having to work for a yr is all you have to do to pay off debt and the family be set and ready to have another one. why not . have some time for yourself to get out. as long as it is a job that you will enjoy doing. your son will adapt and would love to be around kids his age . but make sure it is someone you can trust to keep your baby, and at any time if you feel uncomfortable you know you can always go back to stayin at home with your baby. some women donthave that option. and you have had ten blessed months with him . get some time for yourself. ... good luck sweetie

[pertykitty]

you have such a conflicting post its no wonder you are asking for help lol.  first i have to say that $17,000 for a years work is not going to be $17,000 minus the taxes and daycare and other costs, so i dont see it being worth it financially.   maybe depending on where you live its a chunk of money but its not even something id bat an eye at in regards to going back to work.  not trying to be rude, just my opinion.

you dont sound like you are happy staying home, bored and wanting more.   and if you are going to ttc (i consider natural planning ttc lol) then what happens then?  sounds like you have some major issues that you alone or with dh need to work out.  if you find that you will be happy working for a year then do it, if you feel that your day will be spent worried about your child then dont.  maybe you need to make a list of pros and cons

[lovethebops]

I often feel conflicted as well. I work part time, but even that is not very steady. Maybe you could consider some part time work? Much of the reason I do not work full time is the issue of child care. Because we are not in a position (though the extra money would be nice and help a lot, especially with the rising cost of everything) for me to need to work FT, I stay home with the kids, age 3 and 8 months. It is very hard for me sometimes. I think being a mom, especially one who is at home most of the time, is very difficult. It is more demanding than any job I have ever had outside of the home, and though I stay busy, I feel like I could pull my hair out from bordem and the lack of socialiation from other adults.  It is tough when you have more than one too. I am going to go back to school hopefully this fall, and I plan on doing most of it at home online and maybe a few classes on campus.

Being in the situation I am in, it is hard to say what I would do if I were you. Being out of the house would be great, the money and so forth. However, I just know that if it were me, I would be missing my kids all day long and wishing I were at home with them. And I would not send my baby to a daycare. I just couldn't, I would find someone I know to watch them, If that were not an option, I really would probably not take the job. I just could not trust people I absolutely do not know to take care of my baby. Not knocking any of you that do ( I realize some of you do not have a choice). Since it is an option for me, I would not send my baby to daycare. When they are older, I would consider Preschool. I agree that you should make a list and weight the matter heavily. Its tough. I am glad that I don't have to make a tough decision like that. Hopefully you will make a choice that ultimately will benefit everyone in your family. Good Luck!

[BearHitch]

I think I'll try the pros and cons list... well, $17,000 is after daycare and taxes and all of that... and for us it is a large sum of money because then we'd be debt free except our mortgage and DH's student loans.  

How do working moms like and how do SAHM moms like it... that is what I am more or less wondering, I know this is a decision only DH and I can make  :)  

[BabyHardiman]

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/586070

Read this hot discussion going on right now, it'll give you something to think about.  :)

[pertykitty]

when i worked with my son i missed being home but after the first few weeks it was nice to be out and with adults again.  to bring home a paycheck, to have money for those things that i wouldnt have had otherwise. i always wanted dh to find work that made more so i could stay home, but my son did very well in daycare.

now i stay home with my baby and im here for my son after school. its amazing to think i missed this before, but if i had debt that we were not able to take care of with my dh's salary alone im sure id be working.  its easy to cut corners, but when the bills are already there you cant do much other than pay them right?  

ok so if you bring home enough money to put you on track and then you can choose what to do if i you get pg again, there is your answer. i wish it were an easier decision for you

[BearHitch]

I will definitely check out that forum, thanks!  Well it is such a difficult decision because I am not sure that I could do the daycare thing.  I would love to be able to buy clothes more often and that, but I don't really need to.  The extra money would pay off debt but is not necessary- DH brings home enough to cover the bills and all of that so everything I make would be extra except childcare costs.  

I have also contemplated returning to school to finish my degree.  I could do class a few days a week and that would get me out of the house and I could have a relative watch my son those few days, and during the other days I'd have something to do.  I have always wanted to get my Masters so... this is an appealing choice.  Perhaps I could / should add this to my list of options?  Thoughts?

[pertykitty]

school is always a positive thing, but there goes more debt.  i will be honest here, why not keep your iud you dont sound ready for #2, go to work for a short time and check out online classes?  

[peekawho]

I've worked mostly nights for 30 years, so I didn't have to rely too heavily on child care.  There were times when it was needed (some jobs I had to work rotating shifts so I had to have good child care during the days).  I have always loved my career, so it was not a difficult choice to continue working while they were small.  I had plenty of time with them, every day, working or not.   We did all the things that families normally do.  

Of course its hard to leave your children.  You wll have to rely on what you want to do in your heart.  If you truly can't bear leaving your child to the care of others, then it doesn't make much sense to do so for such a relatively small sum of money that you could pay off by other (slower) means.

But if you feel that it would financially benefit your family, if you can find child care you are happy with, and you have a concrete goal to look ahead to, then move forward.  

Choice is apparently a bad word on this forum, but you do have a choice to make, and you should approach it the same way you would any important decision.  Which is to look within yourself, consider your family and your goals, and move ahead.

Do not allow an anonymous internet site to sway your decisions.  I know you won't, but wanted to throw that in there.

[BearHitch]

I truly appreciate everyone's opinions regardless where they stand - I sure hope this thread does not turn into the one that was posted for reference.  It is true that school would only add to the debt... still makes it hard to banish that one from my mind  :)  I think this would be an easy decision if I had a job and liked it and then had my son, like Peek talked about.  

My fear is that, since I don't, that I will get into a job and not like it and quit and be right back where I started.  I hate doing that to employers.  I am not even sure that I like working at all anyway... maybe this was more of a "venting" post to start with?  

Maybe while I am on here I will look at classes just to look... can't hurt anything.  I have never been supported while I was in college because my mom would always stress that I could just do Mary Kay, which she does and her opinion on my getting job changes like the weather.  So.... I have a limited pool of friends to ask for advice hence - asking my fellow friends on here.  

[Tanker Chic]

You have to do what you are comfortable with, but I can tell you, my son is in daycare and although I have had my issues with them, jacob has always seemed happy when I drop him off or pick him up.  

[peekawho]

One thing to consider is that the more you make, the more you spend, and the more you tend to rely on that increased income.  

It may sound good to think you'll only do it for a year or so, but you might find yourself and your family so dependent on that extra income that you won't be able to quit when you want.
And if you don't really enjoy a job or career...its not an enjoyable way to spend your time away from your children.

Some jobs will allow you to shadow an employee for a few days, if you are really interested in the job and vice versa.  They don't want you to start only to quit, either.  Shadowing can help you decide if a position is something you can live with or not.

See?  I'm not quite the monsterously rude, teeth kicking person I'm depicted to be on the other thread.  I'm about you making a choice that is thought out well, reasonable, makes you happy, and benefits your family emotionally and financially.  

There are some threads here on this forum about medical coding and medical transcription that can apparently be quite profitable.  You might be able to find something you could do at home.

[BearHitch]

Peek - a very good point that I hadn't thought of.  I know that you are not a "teeth kicking" person hehe  Anyway- I hadn't thought of that and that is a very good point.  I think that I will go ahead and go to this interview tomorrow, and perhaps I will find out more about the job and realize its not for me anyway?  Or they could be really flexible, like letting me work 3 days a week instead and then it would be an easy decision?  I really hate making decisions... :S

[cantwait4baby]

I am in the process of interviewing pre-schools for my 15 month old because I want her to interact with other kids and playdates just dont cut it.  I see a huge difference in babies her age in pre-school - they pick up more and behave better.  Her neurologist keeps telling me how advanced she is and I just want to keep her stimulated.  I am choosing preschool and I dont even need it BUT I would never put my baby in as an infant - I am to paranoid about an infants needs but now that she is almost 15 months I think I am ready.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Hi BearHitch,

You guys are thinking of having another little one?  I thought you guys had decided to only have 1 but I could totally have you confused with someone else.  And if not, people change their minds all the time :)  I just couldn't remember if that was infact you or if I was thinking of someone else.

Anyway, I work.  I have stayed home in the past but we had less bills then.  This is not an option right now.  If I could have it my way, I would work part time or go to school just as you said.  But as Peek said, that would be more debt but may benefit you in the future.  You may want to work when your kids are in school if you decide that is not for you right now.  I LOVE being with my kids.  They are my world and my heart.  But it is hard to never have other adults to talk to.  That is what I missed when I didn't work.  I missed the socialization.  And it is much easier to grab something on my way home from the store (by myself), than to have to load up all the kids for milk.  That is why I had said part time.  I'd like to be with my kids more than I am but would still like to be around adults some and be able to run errands as needed without the whole clan.

Luckily for me, my company is very good about letting me take off when I need to.  I have 5 kids and when 1 gets sick, they just sit there and take turns passing it around.  So sometimes, I have to take 2 or 3 kids to the doctor in 1 week.  If there are things at the school, my job is very understanding about that.  If there are field trips, I go.  If they weren't like that here, I wouldn't work here.  That is very important to me.  

I'm sorry my post is all over the place here.  I'm kind of typing as if I were talking and just typing as I think of things so it may be disorganized.  

Good luck with your decision.

By the way......I do the NFP so if you ever have any questions, I will help with whatever I know or in any way I can.

Take Care,
Michele

[girliegrl1723]

edward became so very social and articulate just from his first year at daycare, it is unreal! i always knew he was a bright child, and he talked up a storm long before other kids his age and while i know he would probably be this way with or without daycare, i truly beleive it had a lot to do with the way he has become. i have him home for the summer, with my sister in law and mom and they can tell he is under-stimulated. he is used to playing with/observing other children all day and going from one activity to the next - my mom can hardly keep up with him! it will be good for your little one to get some time with other kids and i truly hope you find a daycare that you LOVE. i absolutely love the place edward goes to and don't think i would be such an advocate of daycare if i hadn't found it. it really is good for them and i think that even if (and hopefully when) i am lucky enough to stay at home, i would still enroll edward for a few hours a few days a week. he is quite the social butterfly!

[Atlanta Girl]

I'm a SAHM, although I work from home.  I thought about going back to work part-time when my son will be 6 months, so that I could have some time with adults and out of the house.  My son will be 4 months on Fri and now I am not planning to put him in a daycare before Feb  next year. Why? Because I don't think he'll be happy there and I want to continue breastfeeding. He likes constant interaction and I seriously doubt they give much attention to babies his age at daycare. He's a very active little dude doesn't sleep much (2 naps half a hour each during the day) and loves being talked to and kissed and all that.  I think it depends on your baby and on your needs, meaning financial and personal time outside the house. When he'll be about 10 months old, he'll enjoy daycare more because he can play and interact with other kids. It really is a very personal decision.

[BearHitch]

Yes- I am the same poster who posted about how to handle my mom who was not taking us only have 1 very well  :)  One and the same  :)  hehe  We've been talking about it because I've lately had a change of heart, not sure where it came from but I can assure you it wasn't from my mom.  If I even can - I think I forget how painful my miscarriages were, and each time I keep saying "I can handle one more try"... so we'll see.  

Anyway!  I would love to ask you questions about NFP - I'll PM you after I post this because the IUD and I are not working out!  Well, it is true that school could benefit me in the future.  I've always wanted to be a counselor, and it would be less demanding but still get me out of the house.  And if I had to I could always switch to online classes if we had another one or moved or something.  I sometimes do wonder what would become of me if DH died just because he is the primary breadwinner... not to mention what a great accomplishment!  I have always wanted to do it, maybe now would be a good time?

I can't imagine putting DS in daycare if he were still an infant!  That would be just too hard.  He's to the age where he crawls and climbs on everything, so he would be able to actually play with kids.  I had posted on the Relationships forum about how lonely I was and maybe that is all that this still is, is just my missing interaction with others?  

If I did go back to school, I could go to the local community college, as they have a daycare program that is much cheaper than everywhere else.  Not to mention, if I had to miss class because he was sick or something I could.  And then when I finish my degree, I could go to work doing my dream job and by that time any kids I have will be in school (hopefully).  

I agree that time to interact with other kids is important and beneficial... but $8500 a year... its just a struggle to look at that number and know I could save that by taking care of him on my own.  Perhaps there are more things I could about how I manage my days and that to alleviate some of the problems (lonliness, for example).  I had a playdate a few weeks back... how often do you ladies have playdates?  I have a friend who has a son the same age as me, and she is going to go back to school in the fall as well.  I hate always asking her over to my place, but her son doesn't crawl and their place is NOT baby proof at all- mine is  :S

[tiredbuthappy]

i think it is very good point about loving your job. it probably would have been very hard for me to leave dd if i hated my job. instead, i love my job, so working is a rewarding experience for me. not that it's a choice- i have to work. i just count my blessings that i can look forward to it most days.

i put dd into a chain daycare, and had a terrible experience with them. i was lucky to find an in-home provider who i trust and dd loves. if you are comfortable and confident in the provider- be it in-home or large center, and your child bonds with them, then it becomes easy for all involved. it's a very tough decision to make, but i envy that you have a decision to make. i don't know if i would stay home if i had the option- i do know it bothers me that i can't make the choice (secret confession time). i DO know that i cherish every moment i have with DD- our time is quality. i remember when i was still home, i often got tired, bored, etc... i did miss the interactions with other adults. it is very hard to stay at home. working presents a different set of challenges, but it has worked out well for us.

[melimeli]

stay home and go back to work when the baby is 3.. the first 3 years are the most important.. anyway student loans are made to be paid off in a gazillion years haha  I owe 20,000 and have been paying for 8 years

[girliegrl1723]

first just let me say - i am not trying to start an argument...i am just wondering why you feel 3 is the magic number?

[pertykitty]

i think there was a research done that said the first 3 years were the most important in their lives.  i heard it on a commercial too lol.   i dont think there is a magic number, i think it depends on multiple factors.  my son started at 8 weeks and it was easy for him, no transition needed, now for me it was torture!!  addison is almost 9 months and it would be absolutly horrific if i left that little girl!!

[Quinns momma]

Tough call to make. 2 incomes is very nice with as much as things cost. However, DH and I both agreed that I would take care of Quinn. We did not want to put her in daycare. But we had always both worked. So I went ahead and got a full time job that allows me to work from home as a medical coder. Some days it is frustrating to deal with a full time job and a 19 month old but I make it work.

You will know what is right for you when u give it some more soul searching.

[tiredbuthappy]

it's hard to day when it's most important. my memory is very poor so i remember very little from my childhood. i actually am working now in hopes of staying home in the future. with 2 i will have to work. i hope to have enough money saved by the time we have #3 to stay home for a couple of years. by then, dd #1 will be well into preschool/kindergarten. she will remember the time we spend together (only 1/2 day programs in my town). child number 2 will be a toddler, and will certainly be influenced more by being home with me then than as an infant. baby #3 will be lucky and get to spend extra time with mommy. only time will tell who, if anyone, has the advantage.

it's not relevent to me, since i teach and would have the same schedule as my school-age children, but if i had a typical 9-5 job, i think it would be more beneficial to be home right after school than when she is an infant. i've heard some horror stories about after school programs. i know i would never leave my child in the program that is provided in the town i work in. just another thought to throw out there...

good luck with this tough decision, and let us know how it works out for you.

[Agiesmom]

I think you will likely follow your heart or gut on this.  I think people tend to decide what they want to do and then they choose points ("socialization", "they're only little once", "we really need the money", "if I budget well, we don't need the money", etc.) to reinforce and validate their decisions.

This is a tough one for many moms and you'll just have to decide what is right for you.  The pros and cons list rarely works for things like this because it's not a logical/left-brained decision--there are emotions involved.  I've done things when I had a lot more "cons" listed because one "pro" trumped all the cons.

All the best to you.

[mlb1234]

I agree, follow your gut on this one.

[CYW]

i have stayed home for almost 11 months with my son.. As of sept 2nd i am going back to school to graduate..I am very happy about it HOWEVER i still worry about daycare.. I THINK my son will be in good hands. i have heard wonderful things about her but i know how difficult my child can be.. i dont find he is that bad but others might...but in the end it's whats best for us because once i am done school i can look for a job and go to work to provide for us better which i am really looking forward to being able to give my son more than i can right now..all in all i think it comes down to a personal decision...what you feel is best:)

[girliegrl1723]

well i can see how that makes sense. im sure developmentally, the first 3 years are the most important as they learn and grow. edward started daycare around 8 months and it was a fairly easy adjustment for him, but terrible for me.  before that - my girlfriend watched him 3 days a week when i first went back part-time and my mom had him when i went back to full-time. then it was september and my mom had to go back to work, so then came daycare. its true what tiredbuthappy said about the older school-age children also. i think i would want to be home when they get home from school. isn't that the time of day when most kids get into trouble? ugh, i wish it was a perfect world where someone always told you what the "right" thing to do was. then we wouldn't have to deal with all these moral dilemas. haha.

[peekawho]

Oh, there are PLENTY of people who will be glad to tell you the "right" thing to do!  

Until then, there is only your gut feeling and your freedom to choose.  And your common sense.  

[BearHitch]

Well, I had the interview today and I am confident about not taking it.  They are looking for a hard-driving career woman, and that is just not me.  If I did not have any children it would be the absolutely perfect job for me, but the travel and hour requirements are just not for me at this time.  Guess that makes for an easy decision!  Now... to just decide about school  :)  Thanks for all of the comments and stories, ladies - greatly appreciated!  I think they helped me realize my gut is not okay with day care all of the time, so now I just need to decide if it is the right time for school or if I should wait.  Thanks again =D  

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Man, I love when a difficult decision (that I was having trouble making on my own) is "made for me".  Like you said, it makes it easier :)