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"Defecating Bandit"
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"Defecating Bandit"

My significant other and I live around the block from his ex- wife (which both since have been divorced, remarried and divorced again in a period of 8 yrs) and their 3 children ( 1 daughter and 2 sons). I also have 3 daughters and 1 adult son. His children is very disrespectful to him they tell him they don't have to listen to him only their mom because they don't live with him. Well, his 11 year old son is always lurking around my house even when were not at home. We use to leave our home unlocked because our neighborhood is very safe but now I always make sure our doors are locked because he's always on my block. We had to set boundaries in our home because he would come to the house and roam freely; in our bedroom, the refrigerator, and my girls rooms. I acquired my home before his dad and I meet so my girls felt as though their home was being envaded. When my girls tell him to leave the house or get out of their rooms he would tell them, "this is my dad's house" which is not true. A few months ago, we found a ziplock freezer bag that someone had defecated in and over flowed, it was all over my patio porched and outdoor furniture. My 17 yr old daughter and I cleaned it up never knowing who would do such a thing. Recently, my fiance son came over to return a fish tank his dad had given him because his mom said he couldn't have it (it was used and she felt it was junk) even though his son asked for it. My son brought my younger girls a new aquarium for a xmas gift and his son wanted the old one. I told him his dad wasn't here and that he need to take it back home and that I would have his dad come and deal with the issue. His son left but not before defecating on the side of my house and the ground. I was totally disgusted and very angry. Even though I didn't see him do it I knew he was the one who did it. My neighbors seen us cleaning the mess up and that is when we found out that he had been urinating in neighbor yards, and even once used one of the neighbors bathroom and left a plastic shopping bag full of feces under their bathroom cabinet. He also comes on our block and curse out the adults when he's asked to leave the property. I found out (from a mutual girlfriend of his mom and I) that this child went home and told his mom that I refused to let him use my bathroom therefore he was forced to take a **** outside in the broad daylight and that I called his mother a  B- - ch, which is not true. My fiance and I tried to go to her house and talk to her and the son but she refused to talk and held her son in the house as well. My finance couldn't talk with his son to address the issue. I telephoned her with no avail so I left a message informing her of what had taken place. I never received a call back. I feel like this is a hate crime and that I should call the police or DHS and report it. My fiance told me to do what I felt needed to be done. I didn't want to go to the extreme but I feel the child need psychological help and he's not getting it. Also, the mom has had other DHS cases filed against her in the past. I don't want to see her children put in the system but, what should I do to ensure my children safety and mine as well. I already made it clear to their father and mother that  he is not allowed on my property but their children are defiant. Please Help I don't want to take drastic measures unnecessarily!


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13 Comments Post a Comment
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13167_tn?1327197724
If your fiance is living with you,  I don't think it's reasonable to tell him his children won't be allowed on your property.

I think when the boy carried that aquarium all the way to your house,  you should have at least let him leave it there for your husband to deal with, and not made this child who was sent there by his mother carry that all the way back home.

And I think he needs counseling - and needs to attend that with your fiance so he can try to heal.  And I think your fiance is a total weenie.
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172023_tn?1334675884
This might be just a little better placed in the Child Behavior Forum.  

I'm pretty much speechless.
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428350_tn?1216419581
If my s.o. was going to call DHS on my ex in regards to my children, I'd be taking a serious look at myself and what I wasn't doing for my kids. I dare say that this child is looking for any kind of attention he can get out of his father and probably you.

You said that you have set restrictions on the boy in your house. I understand keeping him out of your daughters' rooms, heck I didn't want my own siblings in my room growing up. But why the fridge? Have you done anything to make him feel welcome in your home? If you are going to marry the guy, the kids come with the deal.

I'm not pointing a finger at you, don't get me wrong, you certainly don't deserve to clean up after this kind of behavior. I agree with Rock Rose though, your finance does need to go to a therapy session or two with his son.
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130384_tn?1221596627
I agree with KC.  The boy seems like he's doing all this stuff because he's trying so hard to be close to his dad but he's hitting a brick wall.  He's always hanging around your house because he's probably miserable at his mother's house. He's only 11 years old.  I think he needs a lot of love and attention, not to be outcast and despised.  

I don't quite understand why you feel this house is not your fiance's house too.  If you are getting married, then this is your home together.  It's no longer "mine" and "yours"...it's "ours".  So when this boy tells your daughters that this is his dad's house, then he's right.  It by NO means gives him the right to do the things he's been doing, but this behavior is screaming 'I'm craving my dad's attention'.

I also agree with the weenie comment... gotta love RockRose.  Why did your fiance tell YOU to do what you feel needs to be done?  How about stepping up the plate and dealing with this himself?  It is his son.

And I also thought it was mean to make him carry the fish tank all the way back home again.  He could have left it at your house.
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Avatar_f_tn
This is what I posted to you on the Child Behavior forum.  

In my eyes the children should always come first.  I realize that your children come first to you, but you are engaged to a man who has children that should always come first in his eyes.  No one else is going to love your children like you do.  I hope that your fiance' realizes this and will put forth the effort to support his son in all of this.  His son NEEDS him and he is probably in pain right now... he is a CHILD... you have children, have you tried to respect this child the way you do your own?  

Kids act out when they know no other way of communicating.  If I were your fiance I would move on, I would not be told that my children are NOT allowed in my home.  I know that you "own" the home, but if your fiance lives in the home then it IS "his" home as well.  I would be livid if someone told me they were going to call DHS on me and my children.  How could you do such a thing???  YOU need to work with your fiance', your kids, and his kids to become one family unit.  I do not see this happening with the way you speak of his child though.  I honestly would just allow this man to start his life new, and find someone who has patience enough to work through the difficult times with him, his ex wife, and his children, because no matter how you feel this man needs to be able to co-parent with his ex wife without animosity.  

If you wanted him to receive the proper mental health help, then can I ask why you would not be willing to go through these motions with your fiance instead of calling the police or DHS because the little boy pee'd on your house.  

Also, why not allow the boy to return the fish tank... it seems petty to me for you to have him turn around and take it back to his moms house instead of just taking it back.


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Avatar_f_tn
RockRose - You rock!!  
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes, I agree my s.o. need to take a serious look at himself as well as the mom. I have always stayed out of their parenting issues but I have to draw lines when it comes to my children and my welfare. My s.o. ex wife does not allow him to parent his children at all. He has no visitation rights and she calls all the shots. Therefore the children see their dad when they feel like coming around and they are very disrespectful.

As cruel as it seems for me to call DHS, this may help the child that is why protective service has been established, this mother has several abuse cases filed against her for neglect and physical abuse by her husband. My s.o. is always notified of these events through the state. She never call and let him what is taking place.

The children remain in her custody with a founded case. My s.o. feel he may have better results if the system was more informed since she is so adominate on dominating this relationship (bet parents).

You asked if I've done anything to make the children feel welcome well the answer is yes! I opened my home to them and they tried to run over my house that is why we start setting boundaries. The children are rude and have no home training. The son has behavioral problems and is in special need classes. They take things out of the house, bust in our bedroom room while we are in the bed sleeping and bring their friends with them. Run over my children when they informed them of the rules in my house and dis regard them. These children are always hungary and say the don't have food at home. I will feed them with no hesitation but my own children are not allowed to run through my fridge. We live on a budget and I have planned meals for my home. They don't ask they bring their friends and run through our food and leave and go home.

My children have set boundaries and I don't think I'm being unfair to them. I have tried doing family things with them and their mom restricts things once she find out that things are going well. I tried communicating with her and my s.o. as well, suggesting parenting skills and counseling together but it  doesn't work. The mother points the finger at his dad and vice versa.

I feel bad for the child because he need serious help before his behavior progress but it seem to be out of his dad's hand.
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93654_tn?1247502934
Why does your fiance have no visitation rights for his own children? Why not go back to court and get some visitation set up?
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Avatar_f_tn
I stand to be corrected, visitation and custody was established in the divorce but he would have to go back to court to have things enforced because she doesn't comply. I believe he wants her to come to an agreement without all of legal hassels.
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145992_tn?1341348674
There is no coming to an agreement obviously...she won't allow it.  Therefore, instead of sitting and waiting for her to agree with the visitation, he needs to step up and demand his rights as the father.  He does seem sort of lacadaisical (spelling), when it comes to his children.  Otherwise, he would be the one stepping up and handling his son's disciplinary problems, and not you.  I know how it is to deal with a psycho ex, my fiance's ex-wife is extremely difficult, but at some point you need to get this handled by the courts.  
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Avatar_f_tn
This is one of the saddest stories I've ever read.  That poor child...His mother is nuts and his father is a wimp.  Save up for lawyer fees for when the child gets older.  You're going to need it.
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Avatar_f_tn
mayflowers you are right.  this is just the beginning and the worst is yet to come.  its so sad because when the kids that shoot up the high schools happen, people wonder "where were their parents?" and i am sorry to say this sounds like how it starts.  why hasnt your fiance tried to fight for custody with abuse taking place? he has been informed right?  why is his son still in the home with mom if she or her s.o is doing the abusing?  the eating of your food and coming into the house is minor compared to what can be happening very soon sadly enough.  its friday, call someone, child services, a lawyer, i dont really know who, but get something going where you can help the boy out.  i understand he might be difficult, but he is your fiances son, you dont give up on your kids EVER.  

as far as your relationship with him, i think its scary to see he has been divorced twice already, puts his kid last, and you still want to marry him.  i think serious counseling for all of you is needed.+
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171768_tn?1324233699
the others had insightful input, but i wanted to add that it may be in everyone's best interest if you moved. then visitations would be not be so random. not hours away- even if it's just across town. it would also solve the "my house" mentality. in this new home, a special area can be set up for his other children, helping them feel welcome.
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