Defiant 3-year-old!

I have a question about my DS.  He has always been so laid back and sweet.  About a month ago, he started this horrible defiant and disrespectful behavior that my DH and I are having the hardest time with.  I teach kindergarten and have 23 five year olds in my class. I feel like I have more control of them than my own son.  After all, I do have a master's degree in early childhood.  Why am I having so much trouble with one 3-year-old?  It is so frustrating.  He spits on us, backtalks like crazy, and totally defies everything we ask him to do.  I know that we need to be consistent and I feel like we are.  I just don't see any improvement.  Everything is a constant battle. I mean everything from eating to getting dressed to brushing teeth, etc.  Is anyone dealing with the same thing?  I am just so lost.  I don't even look forward to going home from work because I know my evening is going to be so stressful.  He is an angel at school and with everyone but us.  It seems like all of our family thinks we are crazy because they never see this side of him.  I guess I am just looking for support from other moms going through this same trying period!

[deanne11]

I am going thru something similar with my daughter although her defiance is not that bad.  Just talking back....no spitting or anything and it's only with her father.  Sometimes with me but very very rare.  

She never does anything he asks her to do only if I step in and say do it will she do it.

If you get some answers I'd love to hear it.

As for the teaching....your children pushes the limit with you because he can....testing the love line....he knows it won't break.  Children don't typically act out in front of people they are 'unsure of'....At least that is what I learned in a parenting class.

[pixijal]

Just make sure that every undesirable action has an assigned consequence.  He must know what his exact consequence will be when he choses to spit, fight with brushing his teeth, not eat his dinner. Otherwise, he is only getting a REACTION, NOT A CONSEQUENCE. Reactions promote bad behavior, not prevent it.

I'll make this short, and I may not tell you much of what you don't already know.  Part of your issue may not be a lack of knowledge, but a lack of execution or implementation.

When my 3 year old son used to bite or spit, he drinks a tablespoon of vinegar (it's good for him).

When he refusing to brush his teeth, I lay him down, and do it for him....he now chooses to brush his own teeth.

When he refuses to eat his healthy meal, he will not get a snack.  When he is hungry, and ready for a snack, the meal is presented again. (I actually refrigerate, and reheat it) When it is eaten, he then will get to choose his snack.  Sometimes he still chooses not to eat it, and goes to bed without the meal....and the snack.  
(He is 85th percentile in weight...he won't starve.)

When he gets out of bed the first time, the light goes out.

IF he gets out of bed the second time, his doors gets closed.  

When he throws a tantrum, he must leave the room until he is 'calm'.  

If he back talks, I simply ask him to 'rephrase, and use your manners, or I cannot understand you'.  Sometimes I have to help him find the right words.  If he is downright nasty, he must apologize or I tell him that he may not be around the family if he is disrespectful.  He must leave the room, and can return when he has chosen to be respectful...Sometimes he isn't ready for an hour, and will just walk away and play somewhere else.  Other times, he is really upset that he cannot be around us, so he immediately 'rephrases'.

Good luck***

[CYW]

maybe he just wants to be in control...kiods love control-i dont know if you have tried this but let him have control of some choices and different things-as barbara coloroso states it-it's its not life threatning or moraly threatning than it's okay:) it's just whether or not you can live with it-which most cannot but maybe it's just a stage-I don't know not there yet but I've had my share of working with children with defiant behaviours and it can be frustrating best of luck:)

[CYW]

maybe he just wants to be in control...kiods love control-i dont know if you have tried this but let him have control of some choices and different things-as barbara coloroso states it-it's its not life threatning or moraly threatning than it's okay:) it's just whether or not you can live with it-which most cannot but maybe it's just a stage-I don't know not there yet but I've had my share of working with children with defiant behaviours and it can be frustrating best of luck:)

On top of that-I don't know if it's just me but some kids they just like the junk as the mom above was saying sdo if thats the case i agree with your tecnique but if he's just not hungry or does not like what he is presented with BUT likes other nutritional things then you know? You seem to know what you are talking about and I'm not telling you it's wrong I just dont agree in refusing food from a child-they will eat when they are hungry and they oh gosh they love the power struggles and they are so smart that they will win usually hehehe...

So I don't know if it makes sense or what BUT I don't know I don't have any children yet but soon and like you said if it's desert they want but not a supper or a bowl of ceral or a toast whatever then yes i agree in not having it but if they eat a little bit of it then u know?

I just remember working at a daycare and one child in particular omg one of the staff would tell him you can't have your chips if you dont eat ur fruit or you cant have snack later etc-we werre at the beach all day he would eat liek 3 hot dogs.. eating fruits would make him throw up-he hated it and i felt so bad for the poor thing-which according to the nursery act you cannot force a child to eat...

It;s like in the morning if we had fruits and he didn't want those obviousoy I had NO problem in makig him a toast...

I dont know if i am making any sense lol -I hope you understand and dont think I am bashing you:)

[ImmortalOne]

I can't say I have a Master's in childhood care or anything, but my 14yr old and my 9yr old seem to have turned out rather well.  

Try a few things, first pick your battles with your DS, remember that sometimes they are just looking to see what you will do.  Remember always that you are the parent, not your son, and don't allow yourself to argue with him.  I think my oldest was 4 years old before I understood that, I realized what was going on one day and was utterly baffled why I was arguing with a 4 yr old when I was the adult.

As far as the spitting, you have to discipline him in whatever way you and your hubby have chosen right for your family.  But remember that even at 3 years old, it is possible he is looking for attention, any kind he can get even if it is negative.  Additionally, if he is in a day care he can be getting these habits from the other children.  If things turn into temper tantrums, and I know this is hard, walk away (and if you have the ability record the behavior), and don't acknowledge the behavior.  Then later show him the recording if you were able to get one, and explain what was wrong with it.  

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Absolutely typical for the age.  Be firm, consistent and it will pass.  then he will enter anew annoying stage.

[kfrazier08]

I'm glad to hear I am not the only one dealing with this. My son is turning 3 next week and he has been an absolute nightmare the past 6 weeks. He is hitting, yelling back, makes a scene at the store, and throwing fits about absolutely nothing. More so with me and he is a little more hesitant around my husband but we see that slowly changing. We are consistent with his punishment and he knows he is being naughty, he even acknowledges that he is being naughty verbally. We are lost on what to do. I'm afraid to put him in daycare with other children.

[Beckyjrs]

I also need help I have a 3 year old son who is so very defiant, he throws tantrums says no to everything he is asked as well as told to do. He pees all over everything and has been potty trained since 1 1/2 years old. He walks into the bathroom and just pees on the floor next to the toilet, along with on his bed, on his bedroom floor, his toys, the sky is the limit. I am litterally at a loss, my frustration is so high and I am trying so hard to keep my temper down for he is only three but I just dont' have a clue as to what to do. Please Anyone with any suggestions???