Dying Mother - Need Advice (long)

I recently found out my mother has a very rare aggressive form of breast cancer. She has known about it for a while but chose to keep it from us. The only reason we found out was because her husband told us.  She has refused all conventional treatments and wasn't even under the care of a dr.  Over the last week her condition has much worse. She went to the hosptial in an ambulance because she couldn't breath. They drained in total over 3 liters of fluid from her lungs. While she was there, it was determined that the cancer has spread to her lungs, liver and lymph nodes.. So the cancer is now at stage 4 meaning it is has spread to vital organs in her body.  They also found a blood clot in her lung which she is refusing treatment for. If a portion of this blood clot breaks off, it could go to her heart and she would die.  

Here is my dilema.. My mother lives 8 hours from me and I am 21+wks pg and on strict bed rest because I was dilated 4cm at 17wks..  If I was to loose the baby right now, he doesn't even stand a chance of surviving, and I honestly don't think we would be able to try for another.. I coudn't put my family through all this bed rest again..  Or could I handle it myself to be honest...  

Suppose the baby and I make it to next month.. if I was to travel to see my mother.. what if I ended up giving birth 8 hours from home and my baby was in NICU for months in a hospital that was 8 hours from my home and the rest of my family (husband and son)...  

I feel terrible guilt and FEAR that my mother may pass and I will not have seen her before she goes...  I feel like I owe it to myself and my unborn child to stay on bed rest at home but I fear I will have terrible regret if she passes and I didn't go to say good bye in person....  I don't know what the right thing to do is....  What would you do??  Anybody have a parent pass and they didn't get to see them before they went?  If she does pass, then I will have to decide what to do about the funeral.. Agh..

[mami1323]

Oh gosh hon, I do send my condolensces.  I don't even know what advice to give you.  I think part of the reason your mom didn't want you to know is because of this very reason.  She probably didn't want you to feel this guilt or have this worry when you are already dealing with so much as is.  Have you spoken with her about how you feel?  Maybe if you tell her how badly you want to be there and she can ease your pain by telling you it's ok, then you won't feel as bad.  Its a very tough position to be in and I think if you lost your baby, you would never recover from that.  Your mother loves you so much and wouldn't want you to go through that.  Can you make her a video of yourself and send it to her so you can feel like she got to see you at least?  I wish I knew what to tell you.  My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time.

[GNicole]

First off, I am so sorry you are going through all of this especially while pregnant. My heart goes out to you. Can you talk to your doctor about it? I would ask their medical opinion. I don't really have an answer, this is such a tough call to make but I wanted to offer my sympathy and support. So sorry that you are going through all of this!

[jennyb473]

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru, I can't imagine.  My thoughts though, are...did you speak to your doctor about any of this?  I know it is a personal issue, but your OB would have some insight as to what would be best for you and the baby.  If you are on strict bedrest, he may not want you to travel that far.  I know that won't help you to see your mom and help your emotions, but it might make your decision easier to make.  Who knows, maybe the doctor would have a recommendation of how you can get to see her and have a doctor available for you if you should need one.  I do agree with mami though, probably part of why your mom opted to not tell you was because she is putting you and the baby first and wants you 2 to be safe.  I hope it all works out for you....good luck and again, I'm so sorry...

[Tanker Chic]

Thank you all for your kind words and support... The truth about her cancer came out before I was put on bed rest.. the truth of the matter is, my mother is... a delusional wacko... I know that seems harsh but it is true.. she refuses convental treatment because she is convinced that Dr are out to cut you up and take your body parts.. she didn't tell us because she thought/thinks she can cure herself through a diet of flax seed and cottage cheese...  she has had a chronic cough for months and she believed it was the dead cancer cells leaving her body (from the flax seeds and cottage cheese)...  as it turned out she had 3 liters of fluid around her lungs and the the left one eventually collapsed.  

If I try to call her and talk to her about her dying and me not seeing her.. she just says she isnt' dying.. and the flax seeds are curing her.. she says.. this is all just part of the curing process.. she really is delusional...  

I do like the video idea tho...  Not ideal but better than nothing...  

[mami1323]

Wow, ok well that changes things a bit.  Still, I’m sure it’s still a tough decision for you.  Talk to your doctor and see what they say, then consider whether or not it’s a chance you are willing to take.  Maybe it’s best to let your mom live in her delusions and denial.  It will make it easier for her when the time of her passing comes along.  

[Tanker Chic]

yeah, we have decided to not forcer her to try to see things any other way.. it is too late at this point anyway.. now that it has reached stage 4 she is beyond any treatment options... except for the blood clot...

I have to admit tho, that her refusal of treatment has cause a lot of anger in me.. I am really mad at her for not giving herself a chance to live... before this cancer she was an incredible healthy person..  I have really tried not to focus on my anger and just let it go... but it does weigh into my decision to go visit her or not...  I don't know if it should.. but it does..  

[mami1323]

I didn't really want to go there but I was feeling that just by reading your response about her being a delusional wacko.  I can sense the anger and resentment and I think that if you were to go visit her and you did jeopardize your baby, you would really hate her.  Does that make sense?  But you don't want to have any regrets or feel guilty for any decision you make so I think the video would be a nice sentiment and maybe she can do one for you back, if she is willing.

[AnnieBrooke]

It does happen a lot that people mistrust doctors.  They are willing to believe any dumb story they read on the Internet or see some celebrity touting on a talk show, but they don't believe what a doctor with years of training and experience (and science to back him or her up) will say.  I don't know why that is, but there is nothing you can do for your mother now.  I would stay home, take care of yourself, pass sanity to the next generation, and let that be your tribute to your mom.

[Tanker Chic]

You are really spot on.. i do have a lot of anger and resentment but at the same time it is my mother and I love her.. I really cannot even imagine having to live the rest of my life without her... and I just don't want my anger/resentment to cloud good judgement... and I just worry about the after effects of my decision either way.. for the baby or for me..  Or am I just being over the top worried about the pg.. could I work it out but just don't want to... i dont' know..  

My mother has always been pretty wacko.. Total health food fanatic among other things..  but I never thought it would be the demise of her...

[have 2 kids]

I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this decision.   I understand you love your mother but what it really comes down to is:  Can you live with the possible consequence of losing your baby so you can go say goodbye in person?  It is easy for me to say stay home and take care of your unborn baby but only you can make this decision.  

[Tanker Chic]

AnnieBrook - About 95% of the time... that is exactly how I feel..  

[mami1323]

It is a really hard decision sweetheart and I don't think your mom would want you to do something that would harm her grandchild.  Check with your doctor.  What does your husband think?

[Renogirl]

aww Hannah - I am so sorry you are going through yet another drama in your life.  I can understand being angry with a parent and still loving them.  I think you need to speak to your doctor about their suggestions for your health and the little mans' health - but like someone else said - I know you are angry with your mother for not wanting to fight to be around for you and the boys - but if you make the trip there to say goodbye or for the funeral and anything happens to the baby, you are going to be resentful of her forever and that is not what you want.  My suggestion - cruddy as it is - talk to her everyday on the phone - if you both have webcams - use them - if she doesn't have one - send her one - do everything possible to make the most of whatever time the two of you have left - have her write letters to the boys to give to them later - do whatever you can to not have regrets but don't put yourself or the baby in any risk.  Again - sorry you are having to go through all this!

[kellym]

I understand that she has refused treatment in the past, but does anyone ever speak about treatment for the future? I read that you are giving her a death sentence, is that what the Dr.'s say? It's just that my mom's friend was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and is now in remission for 1 year.  It is an awful thing that you and your family have to go through, just awful.  I agree with the other posters.  Your Dr. should be consulted because traveling may not even be an option. That would make things a bit more clear when choosing.  Also, the video is not a bad idea.

[mlb1234]

Oh Hannah - I am so sorry...what stress you have been going through!!  I also say talk to your doctor and find out if/when it is even an option to travel.  But in the end I feel you need to take care of yourself and your family first.   You owe it to that little baby and yourself who have both come such a long way since January.  He is your priority now!! (and Jacob too!) :)

[Tanker Chic]

I like the ideas about keeping in touch as much as possible and sending videos.. I think that is what we will do... I don't think she will send videos of herself because she looks so ill right now (my sister has visited her).. but atleast it will keep communication open and under the circumstances, i think that is the best we can do...

Thanks for the help.. it really was helpful..

[tatorbug40]

Hannah,  I am so sorry to hear about this-  my advise is to stay put, and maybe your mom lives until the baby gets here and you get to see her.  

My dad passed away when I was 24 weeks pregnant with my first child, and I didn't get to see him before he went.  He had Huntingston Disease, and was in a nursing home, despite the fact that he was only 52.  My father and I had a strained relationship, but the past few years he was alive, we started to work on that, even though I lived a few thousand miles away...  it is a hard situation, but I talk to him sometimes when I pray, and I tell him that I am sorry I didn't get the chance to see him before he left, but that I know he is watching over my little girl-  and she is such a blessing, that I know he is glad she is in my life....  

I know this is going to maybe sound harsh, and I don't mean it to,  but if it comes down to chosing between your baby's life and seeing your mom one more time before she goes on to a better place,  I would imagine you will be able to forgive the latter of yourself over losing this baby....  

My heart does go out to you-  like the others have said, talk to your doctor,  take any advise they give you, and maybe your mom will be here to see your little bundle---  people can hang on for a long time, when they feel they have something to live for...  your in my prayers.

[pertykitty]

hannah im so sorry, losing a parent is a difficult thing to do.  i lost my dad 7 yrs ago and it is still fresh some days.  you have to decide but if it were me, id have to stay on bedrest and take care of my little baby.  i think you are so upset right now, its hard to think.  

before i say this i want you to know its with love and i just have to say it.  your mom will pass with you here or not, its going to happen.  your baby has a fighting chance of entering this world and growing old with his family.  i believe that if your mom chooses to cure herself, you have to come to the realization that you cant control that.  man its so hard, we love our parents and want them with us, but we have to let go sometimes.  give your little guy what he needs, bedrest and a good start.  you wouldnt be able to live with yourself should you lose both of them.  

get a webcam and send her one too.  you can talk to each other every day and who knows, maybe get a little closer.  i wish i had something better to say, i wish there was a better outcome.

[Atlanta Girl]

I'm sorry this is happening to you at this time of your life, with the difficulties you are already experiencing.  I don't have much to advice, other than stay in touch with her as much as you can.  Also, talk with your sister and other members of your family that are able to see her, so you don't feel "left out".  Let's pray that she can make it to the birth of her grandson.
I live far away from my family so it has happened a few times already that I wasn't able to be there with my family to say goodbye to somebody... Never for a parent, though.  That is my worst fear.

[Tanker Chic]

Thanks everyone.. i really do agree with what everyone is saying.. and have felt the same way.. i guess I was just second guessing myself and wondering if I was just being hard headed or not really thinking about it rationally...  

I'm really glad you all confirmed what I was feeling..

[jacob75]

hey hon...i am sorry about what u having been thru...i was on a bedrest for short cervix..and i had to bed rest for 98 days ..and it was hard very hard...so please take care u and ur unborn baby..give a chance for the little girl/boy try ur best to focus on that make it at least 28 weeks ..(the longer the baby stays in ur utero the better chance of health) please dont feel guilt..i  know how hard it is especially when u sit and worry for two human beings..please watch urself and care the unborn one , send ur mom a video of urself with ur pregnancy  and communicate her as much as possible ,,,who knows she may live longer than what u think, or if she passes away ,,,honey dont feel guil eating u alive,, u do or doing nothing wrong ,,,at least u are giveing a very good chance of full healthier begining for ur unborn baby/her grand baby ,,,means u are saving a life ..so i am very sure ur mom will feel very good about it .so dont regret in ur decision ..and u will see what is going on tomorrow..ur mom might have a bit longer age ..if not u are mainitaing a good health for ur baby...
so please stay at home take care urself and the unborn ,rest as much as possible both physically and mentally wait for a good outcome for the next generation please pray and ask good to make u stronger in ur decision (whatever is ur decision)
take care urself

[CYW]

in the first part(before you mentioned the delusional) if it were me i would have went to see my mom...but my mom is my best friend and i dont know what i'd do if i lost her anytime....and i really hate to think about it...it tore me apart to lose my gramma(my mom's mom) and i was pregnant n of course no one wanted to stress me... n i was there.. i remember hearing my mom screaming bloody murder when my gramma passed away....that would be me.. i'd lose it-seriously so i'd take the chance if it were to happen in my case but in yours i dont know hun...i really dont...talk to your dr...i just wanna offer my condolences...hugz

[scorpiogirl32]

my mom passed in August at 53 in the middle of the night i had talked to her earler that day as we did every day cuz she was my  bestfriend at the end i said love you mom she said love you to angie  that was the last words i heard from my mother i did not get to the hospital before she was pronounced dead but when i got there i held her hand and gave her a hug she was still warm like she was sleeping......,anyway i have no regrets about getting there in time or not she new i loved her and that is what mattered to me your baby is the most important thing right now if your moms knows how much you love her then she also knows how much you love the baby in your womb if she is cauntious then you could talk to her on the phone it would be hard if you lost both im so sorry your in this situation

[pcarsey]

Hannah- I am so sorry about your mother and what has been going on. I can relate kind of, but my mother's circumstances were different in ways.
sorry in advance if this is long!
My mother had diabetes, hypertension, heart problems out the wahzoo, just to name a few. She was on 36 different medications a day! Then she began to have this cough that just would NOT go away. She would tell us all the time that God was going to heal her and she was not worried. We would beg her to go to the doctor, she refused. Her sugar would drop to in the low 40's, she would eat a candy bar or drink orange juice to spike it back up. She would sometimes call us in the middle of the night crying because she was so miserable, but yet still refused to go to the doctor and "do something about it". It was really frustrating! Very draining to see your mother slowly dieing or rather killing herself. Then came wheelchair bound, then she started gaining weight. We could just see it. And I hate to say this about my mother but we were waiting for her to die. Not that we wanted to, but that we knew it was going to come and were really exhausted from trying to get her to get treatment and her refusing over and over. My sister lived with her taking care of her, making sure she had what she needed and such. She would sometimes hear my mother crying in the middle of the night begging the Lord to just take her.
I got married new years eve 06, she could not come because by this time she was extremely heavy from water weight and could not walk and didn't want anyone pushing her in a wheelchair. I was very hurt, but told my mother I understood.
Then I got to the point where I felt like she was missing out on so much because she was waiting for God to heal her. ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY! Gosh I was so mad. I begged her and begged her to pleaseeee get help. She refused.
On Feb 28 07 she had a massive heart attack (they said her heart exploded) and died. They drained 100 lbs of fluid from her! WOW! I can just imagine the agony she was in! A couple weeks later, her attorney called each of us and wanted us all to come to his office. My mother had wrote us a letter. In the letter she said that she didn't want us to be angry with her. She knew she was going to die, she just didn't know when. She also said that she didn't want all of her savings to be drained on medical bills when she knew it was just a matter of time before she died anyways. She wanted her children to have something, even if it was just something very little. She didn't want us to have to sell everything she left behind to pay off her medical bills and what not and then not have anything from her. So.. she refused treatment so many times. Some might say that was still very selfish of her, but I say it was like she was making her funeral arrangements. She wanted it to be a certain way. A friend asked me if it makes me angry at God for her having so much faith in him that he was going to heal her and for her to have to go through so many years in excruciating pain 24/7 and for her to just end up dieing. No I wasn't. It was my mothers choice. She could have tried to get treatment. But chose not to. I asked myself.. well, what would I have said if she would have gotten treatment and still died? Would I be mad because the treatment failed or that she died? Neither one mattered. She wanted it the way she did because she was looking out for us. Well, what if we didn't want her to worry about us?.. what if she didn't want US worrying about her?.. I love my mother and I felt foolish for being so angry and aggravated with her for so many years because she didn't do things my way!

Hannah, I am so sorry you are going through this especially now! I wish you the best with it. But I can almost guarantee that your mother will not hold it against you if you chose to stay at home where it is safe for your baby! It will only be the guilt that you could chose to hold onto that could become a problem. Stay in touch with her, send her cards, write letters. Get a tape recorder and tape just Jakey's voice making all his baby/toddler noises and send it. Make videos, do whatever makes you happy. Because in the end. That is what it will be about. How much "you" are okay with how things were before she passed on! There is nothing wrong with that at all. But just think if none of this ever came out and she passed on and you all just thought it was natural causes? That leaves room for questions still the same but no room for blame if she never "knew". If she is anything like my mother, she wouldn't want you to make a fuss over it... raggedy old women and their ways I tell ya!

If you ever want to vent or just talk don't hesitate to do so on me! I understand what you are going through!
Again- sorry this is so long! I felt like if you heard part of my story it might help a little.

Take care of yourself!
Patty

[Tanker Chic]

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me.. . it really does help put things in perspective and remember what is important.. the relationship I have with her isn't dependant on whether I get to see her or not..  but I can't help but wonder if she passes and I didn't get to see her one last time... there will be turning back the clock... But I know I need to stay put and take care of me and the baby..Because there will be no turning back the clock on this end either....  it will just be unfortunate if that is how it has to play out...  Hopefully she will have longer than I think..  

thanks again everyone.. your personal experiences and opinions have been a tremendous help...

[Helen72]

Hannah,
I am so sorry about your mother!  What a shock that must have been.  I am sure you want to be near your mother at this time but your mother would be better off knowing that you and your little one are safe on bedrest.  If you were to put your pregnancy at risk and (Gof forbid!) to lose your baby your mother would probably blame herself and wish you never knew her news in the first place.  
I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time right now...

[mary345]

I am so sorry to hear about this my mother died last june she lived in georgia and i lived in florida which is about 8 hour drive. i was 20 wks pregnant and moved to georgia to help my dad take care of her and she died when i was 36 weeks pregnant. I know you want to be with her but you have to think about that baby you have growing inside of you i don't think you should try to travel right now and i almost wish i hadn't moved to georgia because the last memories i have of my mom are not good i remember her being very thin and fraile and on oxygen my mom had copd and lung cancer she looked so sick and i wish i could remember what she was like before she died. I am sure your mother would want you to do everything you could to ensure that you deliver a healthy baby.

[yammiscammi]

I am very sorry to hear about your Mother. I just recently lost my Mother-in-law to that same horrible disease in February. She also lived 8 hours away. We would visit her every weekend. I am not saying you should do the same because I was not pregnant at the time and I had the freedom and health to do so but what I am saying is that if you decide not to visit her then call her everyday and take time to say goodbye in the most subtle way. You have to understand that she is not wacko as you put it but she is in denial. I say this because my Mother-in-law also tried to leave her disease to the Lord and she did not want to do the treatments but we convinced her that the Lord also wanted her to fight and that the Lord made doctors for this purpose so she went ahead but unfortunatly the disease had spread. I just found out I am pregnant and I think she had a part in that because my husband and I had been trying to concieve (conceive) for 4 years and all of a sudden after she passes away 2 months later I found out I am expecting. She is really an Angel in Heaven. All I can say to you is talk to her as much as you can!..even though you are not there physically she knows you are there spiritually and she will never hold that aginst you...Take care

[montie2]

Oh Hannah. I'm so sorry about your mother.  By the way, I have been trying to send you messages and post notes on your profile and it just won't work. I can't even post comments to your pictures!! I don't know why! I finally asked to try to email you for me and let you know why you haven't heard from me.  

Anway, I am begging you to stay in bed. My friend has what looks like a tiny laptop and it is soley for instant messaging/web cam to stay in touch with family. Her family got it for her so they could talk and see each other at the same time.  I think they are about $200 dollars a piece.  

I don't know what to say about your mom refusing treatment. I guess it is her choice. I am on the other side of the boat. My dad has lung cancer. His health is terrible and was bad before the cancer. He is doing the treatments but continues to smoke and not take care of himself so what is the point???

I'm sorry that you have something else to worry about, feel guilty about, etc right now.  But, your mother made this choice and I know it will be awful if you don't get to see her in person but I'm sure she would want you to do what you have to, to keep this baby safe and healthy.

Miss talking to you. Can you try to send me a message and see if it works??