Everyone's an expert on MY baby! venting.

I just spent three days with my family and in-laws, and I was about to scream by the end of it.  I have a bright, curious, energetic, social, happy 6 month old who is too interested in the world to sleep, burns a lot of calories being physical, and is very attached to me, her work-from-home mama and primary caregiver.  She wakes up HUNGRY every two hours all night long.  After trying everything except cio for months to get her to sleep, as a last resort, we swaddle her and co-sleep most of the time.  I still don't get nearly enough sleep, but my priorities are to provide a secure, caring environment for my dd and to breastfeed her as much and as long as she wants/needs to.  I can catch up on sleep when she's older, but I'll never have this crucial time with her again.  
My mother would never come right out and say I'm doing anything wrong, so she quotes what "some people" would say about my parenting.  "Some people would say you're spoiling her"  "Some people would say you should just put her in the crib and let her get used to it."  She came up to visit a few weeks ago and learned that I wasn't kidding- you can't just put her in the crib and expect her to fall asleep.  While she was babysitting, I was downstairs desperately trying to get some work done on a deadline, inwardly cringing as dd cried on and off for 45 minutes.  Mom confessed she thought she'd have "grandma magic"- like I'm some idiot who hasn't tried EVERYTHING to help my dd to sleep.  "Put her down in the crib and leave her alone- I never thought of trying that!"
My mil thinks I've emotionally crippled my dd so that she only wants me.  "She's got to get used to other people taking care of her" and my 'favorite' "I don't mind her crying."  As if I'm overjoyed that I can't make lunch half the time because dd often starts crying the moment she leaves my arms.  She intimates that I'm some hippie freak because I'm breastfeeding and wouldn't give solid food until 6 months... I should just give her formula or solid food- like cheese!- and she'll sleep through the night.  Apparently, I don't do that because I secretly want her to sleep with me and be totally dependent on me.  She pretty much forced me to leave and run an errand last night, leaving dd behind.  As soon as we left the house she "jokingly" went to get the ice cream- chocolate ice cream- to feed to my 6 month old dd.  My sister stopped her.  My sister also told me in confidence that dd fussed or cried the entire time I was gone.  The other night I was feeding dd sweet potatoes (I'm a health food fan and want her to have the same openness to different foods and appreciation of healthy food that I do) and my mil says to my dd "Tell her you'll only eat sweet potatoes if they're topped with sugar and marshmallows."  Yes, she's only 6 months old, but who knows how much she understands- please don't undermine my attempts to give my dd healthy eating habits!  This is the same person who complained about how fat her other niece was getting and sent us home today with massive amounts of junk food.  
Also, I have a nickname for dd- just a love name really, not a name I expect anyone else to call her- and my mom has always hated it.  (I used it before she was born since we were keeping her name a secret- just for this very reason.)  Well, my mil told dh that she hated the name too.  Bless him, he told her "Well, keep that to yourself, then."  
I guess what's bugging me is not that they disapprove of my parenting methods- they don't know my dd like I do, they just know the average Dr Spock baby they raised and formula fed and did cry it out with.  I'm raising my dd the way that feels right to me, and if I spoil her or she's still in my bed at age 6 or whatever, I'll deal with those consequences... who among us can be sure they're always doing the right thing?  What bugs me is that I can't tell them to leave me the f*&% alone and let me raise my daughter- my "high needs", sleepless, fantastic daughter, my way.
Phew, thanks for letting me vent.  Gotta go, she'll be waking up any minute ;-)

[AndiJ78]

I am very thankful that my maternal figure is a pedi nurse who completely supports all of my decisions with regards to co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and "spoiling" my children. My in-laws may not but they don't make a peep, they know their opinion doesn't matter to me.

Vent away, hopefully seeing you are not alone will help ;-)

[pertykitty]

do we know the same people? lol im sorry you had to go through that, it seems to be quite common among older generations.  maybe their "way" is why gen x is the way we are and we are going back to the basics.  i agree with you im the same way.  spoiling is buying every toy under the sun and not disciplining not loving and caring-my mil said the same things when my addy was just 6 weeks old!   anyway you have many on your side its just too bad its not your family.  and ice cream!!  why do some insist on giving our kids pop n junk when we turn our backs?? ugh

[becca_3456]

My family is just like that!!! My mom kept trying to get me to feed DD before 6 months I had to keep telling her that I am her mom and I know what is best. Even to this day she tries to tell me what to do, DD is 8 months old and at her 6 month appt she weighed 13 lbs and 1 oz but she is growing and happy, still my mom suggest that I put ovalteen( spelling?) or chocolate in her breastmilk!!!! Is she OUT OF HER MIND! I have to keep telling her no mom but she gets upset that I dont listen to her. She always tells DD that I am mean because I wont let her eat cookies, I tell her that I am trying to raise a healthy child not an obese one!! Sometimes I feel like a little girl getting in trouble for not doing what shes told:) Sometimes I even hate when DH gives me advice on what to do with DD. He sees her 3 hours total in the evening and on weekends but he does not know what she needs. Only mommy does:). So when he puts in his 2 cents I cringe inside:) Anyway sorry to be so long winded:) I guess I needed to vent too. We will just have to stick to our guns and keep trying to raise SUPER babies:)

[kellym]

I think we ALLLL have a little bit of that going on somewhere in our families. Mine is compared to my sisters 2 and to me there is NO comparison. I keep threatening to myself that I am not going to bring dd over anymore if they continue the behavior but in about 5 1/2 weeks I'm going to have my 2nd and need some help ;) ha ha. Well, just take it with a grain of salt and let them speak their peace. Continue to re itterate your beliefs and Breathe DEEP!! good luck

[Tanker Chic]

you can tell them, just do it with a smile on your face.  sometimes you have to be a little passive aggressive with people.  

say with a smile, "yeah well everyones an expert" or "tell her since she is such an expert maybe she should write a book"

don't worry you're doing a good job.  

[CYW]

i agree we all have a lil bit going on with our family...Ive cried so many times.. I'm told from my mil that I overfeed our ds...lol yeah overfeed thats why he is a week short of 7 months and is weighing in at 16lbs 8oz and 71cm long...RIIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTTT...AND that's why the doctor was/is a little(not as much0 concerned of his weight...because I'm over feeding him...he is too small lol..I love how people have raised their kids and still try and raise yours lol..my aunt tried to do the same..."Why dont you use the microwave..its easier and quicker" DS KNOWS i boil water etc and i dont heat food that way..its the way its been since day one...woopie dooo da.. lol so hun i hear ya...my mom and dad have numerous times told me how much of a wonderful job i am doing raising my ds...keep it up you only do what you feel is right..she is a part of you and you have to believe you know whats right for your baby

[peekawho]

Tell her that "some people" would say she is a prying, interfering, butt-inski Grandma.

Not you, of course ;)  But that "some people" would.

[Van73]

hehehe! LOVE Peeks advice! Definitely!  I dont BF but my MIL tried to get me to put cereal in my DS formula because he's not sleeping through the night...HECK NO!  He's only 7 weeks old.  We'll deal

[kellym]

Oh yeah, my MIL acted like BFing was stone age, boy was it nice to get that time  to myself, hee, hee

[RockRose]

So here's the deal.  ;D  Looking way into your future,  your family will either say WOW,  she was right all along,  what a darling girl this baby has turned in to.  Looks like chinesebones knew in her heart what to do.

Or things will become more difficult and you'll have to sharply change parenting techniques and people will whisper um hm,  we knew all along.  

I say this kind of flipply,  but I raised my boys kind of like you're doing.  I overheard people say things like "I could get that baby to sleep in the crib in 2 nights",  "The word is "No".  When do you think that boy will ever get to hear it".  Haha,  looking back it's funny because he who laughs last laughs best.  

Everyone who gently (and not so gently) said we were being too lenient are now marveling at how sweet,  and mature,  and funny,  and clever,  etc., our boys are.  

Best wishes.

[chinesebones]

Thanks for the support, ladies.  I can't say I'm glad others have these issues, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.
PK, I wholeheartedly agree.  Spoiling a child is being inconsistent in disciplining and buying them every toy they want.  When I object to the term, my mom says "I mean spoiled in a good way."  As if there were such a thing: "Here mom, I cooked some spoiled meat, but don't worry, it's spoiled in a good way."  
My mil has always been critical of anyone who thinks differently from her and seen me as a hippie flake, but I've never let it get to me like this before.  Guess it's because I'm soooooo tired I get emotional easily.  We've always gotten along very well before (except for my "refusal" to give her a grandchild for twelve years of marriage) but now it's always something.  Every conversation we have, she says at least one thing that just digs into my psyche.
I understand she's been starving for a new grandchild, but giving me reproachful looks because dd needs to be fed?  Wanting to wake her up to play after we finally get her to sleep?  Saying we've spoiled her by "keeping silent" so she never learned to sleep through noise, when in fact it was the other way around- every noise woke her up, so we learned to keep quiet.  Now I know there's a battle on the horizon- her wanting to babysit, my not trusting her alone with dd.  I think I'll have to get dh to give her the straight talk: we're "witholding" milk, wheat, and chocolate so she can enjoy them later instead of being allergic, we're "depriving" her of sugar so she doesn't get Type I Diabetes.
During a previous visit, she was holding dd, who was starting to cry harder and harder... not just fussing, but full out "Something's really wrong" crying.  I CAN'T STAND to hear her cry, so I was trying to take her back to fix what was wrong.  She said "She's just mad because she can see you" and put a blanket over dd's head.  The crying got worse and worse, so I said "Can I see her" i.e. 'give her to me.'  She pulled the blanket off dd's head and SHOWED her to me, but wouldn't hand her over.  Finally I had to say "GIVE HER TO ME."  DD had kicked her leg out of one side of her footies (between two snaps) and into the other side so her foot was trapped and her legs were tangled.  No wonder she was crying so hard.  Mad because she could see me, indeed!
The solid food fight has been ridiculous.  Even when I quoted the AAP, they still persisted.  My mil assumed that I would stop bf the day I started solid foods.  I don't understand the hostility towards bf?  They see dd's love of cereal as an indication of how I've been starving and depriving her.  What they don't see is her happy guzzling while bf.  I assure you she's not looking around for cereal then!  She just loves to eat.
Peek, I literally laughed out loud at your comment.  Unfortunately, my mom can dish it out but not take it, so I have to walk on eggshells around her.  (I'll think it to myself next time though... "why are you suddenly smiling?")
I was raised in a very negative, critical, complaining environment, and I'm trying my hardest to break that pattern and focus on the best in people and speak only good things so dd doesn't get these litanies of negativity drilled into her head like I did.  But it's hard when people p**** me off so much!!!  I'll keep praying for tranquility.  Thanks for listening (to my negativity... where does frustration go if you can't vent it?  That's my current quandry.)

[AndiJ78]

My MIML did the same thing with my babies, on the rare occasion they would go to her. They would fuss (usually hungry, early signs she ignored) and she would all but refuse to hand them back. I finally got to the point, as did they, that she would not hold them. My kids. especially as infants, refused to go to her. Funny because they adore my FIL.

I firmly believe that babies can sense what end is up, so to speak. A happy and content child doesn't turn into a wiggling agitated child in a matter of seconds for no reason. Heck, i could hand a wiggling baby to FIL and in minutes they are sleeping peacefully. Hand that same child to MIL and they are even more agitated when I snatch them back.

BUT, they have all been extremely supportive of nursing. Yet they have tried to push solids, juice, and garbage food. They have no concept of food borne illnesses, proper prep, choking hazards, or any number of other food related issues. So I simply avoid letting them anywhere near my baby unattended.

I have my own little quite joke. Comes from an old joke about two southern ladies and is best summed up as "That's nice" My own little way to release my frustration.

[Trialanderror]

I went through the same type and amount of comments and it had been stressful to be sleep deprived and having to deal with all these opinions. I stuck to my guns, though. Nothing and nobody was able to destroy the bond I slowly formed with my son. You learn the baby`s cues and baby learns yours. Consistency was so important in the process, if I had given in to everyones` suggestions, my son would be one miserable confused bundle. Instead now, at almost 6, I can steer him into almost any direction, no fussing, no fighting - he accepts me as the boss and I accept him as the "vice-president" of the kid`s room.

Even though I had been attacked heavily to follow the "attachment parenting" style versus authoritarian style, the attackers are now silent. They warned me for years that he would turn into one of those uncontrollable brats but the opposite happens. Apparently my son is well behaved and with good manners when in group settings when I am not around - and well, when I`m around, he is just busy talking nonstop and forgets some of the rules.

Hang in there, Chinesebones. The day will come you will have proven yourself right. Step by step.
I just went to a parenting seminar and the speaker said: "Remember a boss who made you feel competent and good about yourself. Would you work with him again? Yes, sure, you would do anything for him and his job. Now remember one who put you down before you even had a chance to think about the project....blabla" you get the idea. You are doing the right thing!

[Trialanderror]

Have to add this: my MIL and my own mom both thought breastfeeding was disgusting. I still cant` get over my MIL asking on day 5 in my son`s life how long I intended to breastfeed him. I intended to do at least 6 months but rather a year but in a white lie said *at least 6 WEEKS* not to cause too much conflict. She burst out " WHAT? SIX weeks??? That`s soooo long. I want to feed him too."  I think first-time grandmothers really want to re-live their own days of young motherhood. Even now, 5 years later, my mom urged me to place my little son on an airplane and send him overseas so she would take care of him for a few months so I could enjoy life. Duuuuuuuh!

[pertykitty]

trial i like the vice president theory.  i talked to my mil today and i heard the same things today "you wonder why she wont let everyone hold her you hold her all the time"  "she is spoiled",  hahha yes like spoiled meat!   everyone our parents age have the same ideas mostly.  my mom raised us on breastmilk and food from the garden so she is different but does use the term spoiled, but with her i know she doesnt truely mean it that way because she is worse than i am haha.  mil however bottle fed so when i talk about bf'ing she gets quiet and she too wanted to feed addison when she was born.  however i wasnt going to give in to make her happy.  its good to hear we are not alone in our grief with those we love haha.  

[montie2]

OMiG.  I'm reading this and just cringing.  My MIL knows better than to question what I do with Rhett (5 wks old.)  She trys to be very supportive and positive.  On the other hand, FIL scares the "you know what" out of me.  He has all kinds of old time remedies and knows everything.  He makes me nervous, especially since MIL will be babysitting and FIL is retired and will be around.  I will have to make it completely clear, nothing other than bottle and breast milk.  My mother was just telling me the other day how I should give him cereal and get him out of my bed.  "You just need to put him down" she says. I try to tell her that things have changed since she had a baby, (I'm 39). Yeah, he keeps me up at night, I bottle feed and breast feed on demand, and I put him in my bed, safely, huge bed, just me and him and he has plenty of room away from me).  After 5 weeeks, we are still figuring out what works best.  I love someone telling me what's best, and how easy it is to get a newborn "taught" anything!  

Turn your phone off and lock the front door!  That's what I do.

[pertykitty]

my goodness what is wrong with these people!! i seriously want to pull my hair out hearing how we are doing such a bad job.  my god these are our little babies helpless and loved UGH!!!!  lol  boy one of these days i will open my mouth more than i have and they will rue the day they told me to give my baby a bottle in his crib with xtra blankets on her while she cries alone in the dark!!!

[Trialanderror]

Yep, this post brought all those memories back... I only promised myself to stay out of my son`s hair if he should ever have his own family 20 years down the road. Then again, see how many times we have had heated discussions on this forum here about infant care? It may just be natural that every mother feels she has discovered "truth" about infancy in all those devoted years, including myself...Initially when I came on MH, I only wanted to share some helpful hints but often - just as with MILs - it comes across as arrogant or ignorant b.s., depending on the subject. *logs off to think about favorite Buddhist proverb* ("When the student is ready, the teacher appears").  Maybe it all ain`t so.

[pertykitty]

having  a son i pray he marries a wonderful woman  that i get along with.  having a daughter i look forward to the day a million years from now she lets me in the room when she has her own baby.  but for now i hope they have good dreams, feel happy and content, and learn all they need to know to be good , GREAT people.  they will get my stubborn streak, dads strength, and all of our love.  i hear people call their kids little @ssholes in the store, ask them "are you stupid?", and i wonder if they ever take a moment like this to think of the incredible gift they were given.  i hope so, i hope their kids know it too even with the bad.  right now addison is on my lap on my boppy talking away kicking at the computer, and now falling asleep.  an angel all i can say is a perfect little angel. sigh.

[GNicole]

I can relate also. Let me just say that I love my mother much but at times she drives me crazy. She keeps my daughter when I am at work and she thinks her way is always the right way. I had to laugh at the grandma magic comment. Avery was never a good sleeper either and I will never forget the night she came over thinking she would be able to get Avery to go to sleep right away. 3 hours later she was like you are right, I don't know what to do. Like I was exaggerating how difficult it was to get her to go to sleep. Thankfully Avery is a much better sleeper now but I totally understand where you are coming from. She always tells me that I should do this or that and how she did it this way and it always worked. Ahhhh!

[pertykitty]

im lucky my mom is the best.  she doesnt give them too much junk (she eats very healthy so its limited) she has some rules lol.  she knows that love is not spoiling and why not hold them if they cry.  im still mad over my mil how stupid is that!!! talk about holding a grudge, i guess i just need to find a life lol.  i complained to my dh via email about what she said and he told me she says that about all kids.  well my baby isnt all kids and why would you say that about your grandbaby? dont they want the best for their grandkids?  man i need a valium or something im just a mess!!!

[chinesebones]

Sorry to rub everyone's sore spots... I guess this is universal.
In fact, I started a new parenting book tonight and barely got through the introduction when I came across the following: "All adults who care about a baby will naturally be in competition for that baby.  Competitive feelings are a normal component of caring for a dependent individual.  Each adult wishes that he or she could do each job a bit more skillfully for the infant or small child than the other.  This competition is based on wishful thinking and is energy for attachment to the child.  Such feelings are present in other members of the family.  They can unconsciously influence grandparents' behavior and lead them, without intending harm, to criticize the sensitive new parents."
Guess I don't see this in my home life because I'm delighted when dh does a great job with dd.  I love to hear her laughing while he's playing with her.  I always appreciate how in some ways, being a dad is more challenging, because I know if all else fails I can nurse her and that usually settles her down- he doesn't have that option.  The first three months of her life I bet he walked 100 miles with her, all in our den.  (of course, I spent weeks with her seemingly attached to my chest permanently, so we both did our part.)  I'm not a competitive person at all though- I don't even like board games!
Trialanderror, I've always loved your handle (yours and Tiredbuthappy's are my favorites), because isn't that the truth!  My approach to MH is that everyone's sharing what worked and didn't work with her kid/s, and we can pick and choose (or try and try again until something works.)  I've gotten a lot of great ideas here, plus some that didn't work for me, plus some I read but weren't my parenting style to try.  
PK- my next door neighbors shout things at their children I can't believe, and the children shout back.  One day I was working in the yard, and the father called his 12 year old son a son of a b*tch and a mfer, and the son called the father a fat ba&*ard.  They have four sons who shout at the top of their lungs constantly, honk their parents' car horn for fun, blast awful music, stay up until at least 11 on school nights, throw trash in our woods, and must live on chicken nuggets and McDonalds because they keep increasing in girth.  We call them the shouty neighbors.

[Crritter]

Aw, don't feel bad, I think we all get it.  It begins when you are pregnant and the belly I guess is an invite for people to tell you what to do, it only gets worse from there.  I'm lucky, my family doesn't say much.  The only time it really rubbed me wrong was when I m/c.  I am kinda nervous about saying anything too soon, but had to tell my mom at 10 weeks, then we told his mom and dad and stepmom to be fair.  I was going in at 12 weeks for an u/s anyway, but at 11 weeks began to bleed alot.  I had a blighted ovum and had to explain that to our family.  My mom had told my sis who was also pregnant with #3, and his family told his sisters, even though we had told them it was too early to say a word till we saw the first u/s.  My stupid sil asked why I would assume I was pregnant and what would make me think that without taking a test.  My step mil asked me if I had even taken a test, the morning after my m/c.  I was furious and hurt.  I explained it again and told her if there were any other questions that she could call me.  I never did get a call or apology, nothing.  I did not tell them when I got pregnant again, not till I was 14 weeks and had several u/s pics.  I'm sure they think I spoil my boys too, but I don't ask and don't care to hear.  Enjoy your little ones.  I still let Cam sleep with us if he's not feeling well.