Ex-Boyfriend

Okay, ladies here it goes.  I am not sure if this is a question or just needing someone to talk to.  I have been on this forum for almost two years now, just under a different name.  I want to remain announamous on this one that is why I changed it.  This is not really a pregnancy question but you ladies have been so helpful in the past, I wanted to get your opions.  Please don't judge me that is not what I am here for.  Okay so now, I have been married to my husband for 11 years now.  We started dating when I was a freshman in high school.  Well for 2.5 years before him I dated a boy most of my middle school years.  They main reason we broke up is because he moved.  Well shortly after that is when I met my husband.  Well I never stayed in contact with my ex after he moved.  Since then I have always wondered if he is the one that got away.  I know, I know it was 16 years ago and in middle school but still.  Well the other day after not talking to him for 16 years I found him on my space.  I decided to write him.  He actually wrote me back.  The funny thing is we both do the same things as a career.  I work as a medic and he is one.  I do web design and he does too.  What are the chances.  Now even though I am still happily married and with three kids I really wonder if he might of been the one who got away.  I'm sorry I guess this really is not a question I just wanted to talk to someone about it.  I know these forums are pretty good.  Any thought on this, I am willing to listen to.  Thanks in advance.  I guess I really shouldn't of started stirring things up.  I just wanted to see how he was doing.  He doesn't even live in the same State anymore.  Okay I guess that is enough venting.

[1nana]

How can you be "happily" married and be wondering? You have 3 kids, need I say more!

[AndiJ78]

I will go on a limb and say it may not be as happy of a marriage as you think if you are wondering about this. If you are truly and completely happy and fullfilled in your marriage, I don't think you would give this a second thought or that you would have gone looking for him on MySpace. I don't know that this is something that anyone here can really help you with, though I am sure you will get plenty of well-meaning opinions and thoughts on the matter.

Vent away, maybe it will help. Perhaps you should talk to your dh, try and figure out why you are looking for greener grass, even if it is just inside your mind for now.

Good luck.

[tmv]

I will not judge you. Please don't take what I say as that. You're basically asking for an opinion, I believe. So here goes... Curiosity over an ex is a normal feeling. Occasionally dreaming of them, they say, is a feeling of insecurity in a current relationship. Which again is normal on occasion. You gave yourself the answer when you stated that you guess you shouldn't have started stirring things up. Also, it's too much of a coincidence that you both do those 2 things as a career. It can be very easy to fabricate that online. However, I was not there and don't know how it came up. I can imagine that your husband doesn't know about this. I can only guess that it would hurt him dearly. There is a reason that you went searching for him. I would suggest some counseling whether it be personal or marriage to help identify that reason. If I were you I would stop all future contact with him. Just my opinion, best wishes.

[deanne11]

Just my opinion but....happily married with 3 kids don't go looking or wondering about the the ex.

I just said to my dh the other night...don't you look back on your exes or past life before each other and thank God everyday where we are in life now and who you are with......

You chose to make your dh your life partner....unless there is something that has made you want to leave the marriage before, infidelity, abuse...etc....

No need to be worrying about an ex.....grass isn't always greener.

[metalstar83]

I have always wondered about my ex from high school, we dated freshman year, broke up, and dated again junior into senior year.  The problem is that I went to college my senior year of HS and he stayed at the HS.  So we broke up, he didn't want to do the distance thing.  I had doubts when I got engaged to another guy a year later, and even contacted him!  Oh, i felt so horrible.  I know there is a reason that we broke up in the first place and it wasn't fair to my fiance.  I ended up breaking up with my fiance in the end.  And now I am with my husband and I dont think about any of my ex's.  Why, because I am completely happy. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side.  How would you feel if you went back to your ex and found out that he is not the man of your dreams?  I think it is plain curiosity on your part, but beware, things are not always as they seem.  There is a reason why your ex is the "one who got away", because he wasn't the right one.  That is your husband.  

[kris123]

I think it is normal to wonder - but the grass is not always greener on the other side.  With that said the way you were in middle school when you were with him - I'm am sure that you both have changed and are not the same people.  I am not the same as I was in middle school.  He could be a real jerk and you may not even know.  You were both kids then and now you two are grown.  I would stop contact with him if I were you because you may start something and then it may lead to things and then a big mess.  If you really love you husband don't go into those waters.  If you are not happy with your husband try to work it out. People lie on the internet and can say anything.  Turst you gut and leave it alone

[Waiting4myprincess]

I would stop all contact with him immediately. It is only leading to disaster. If you are as happy as you say you are in your marriage you would not be having these other thoughts of your ex. Please be careful. I did the same thing that you are doing. Contacting an ex, (I even found him on myspace) and it turned into a disaster. Its not worth it in the end. All I ended up doing was hurting my husband. When I look back now I see how stupid I was. I am completely happy in my marriage now  and NEVER think about my exes. Be very careful. Like all the other ladies on here have said "the grass is not always greener on the other side." The last thing you are going to want to do is contact your ex, get in touch with him, meet up with him and if things work out you would leave your husband...and what if you are miserable then and you see what you had....husbands are not always forgiving. Just don't risk it. Stay away from your ex and stop contacting him. Its not worth losing your family over. Seriously..

[lynne1276]

I also agree that it is normal to do the what ifs.  I also had a boyfriend on and off for years.  We were young and lived an hour away from each other. We were on and off from 17 till 24.  I saw him for the first time in 6 years last year at a get together.  We have mutual friends.  I am happily married and so is he.  We actually had the conversation about us both feeling that we are happy with the life we chose but also felt that we were both the ones who got away.  We never broke up because of a fight but because of "life".  We went to college at different times, the drive, not seeing each other.  Things happen for a reason.  We have stayed great friends and him and my husband get along great.  If I were you I wouldn't read too much into it.  The what ifs could get you in trouble.  If you are honest with your husband and he is okay with you being friends with this guy I wouldn't take it any further than that.  Good luck.

[waitingwithhope]

Don't second guess your decision to marry the guy you are with right now--there was a reason why things happened just the way it did. It is normal to want to find out about your ex or try and relive your life over in your mind with the ex in the picture instead of the husband because every person wonders "what if I could have done better" or "how would my life be different now?" But, you can't live like that because it did not happen and therefore you could not possibly know all the variables in the situation. My guess is you would not want to erase those moments with your kids or your husband that you have now if you could snap your fingers and go back, my guess is you would like to be able to have both--to be able to choose between the two scenarios if you could have way back when. No one gets to do that though. It is like the country song--the best prayers are sometimes the ones that went unanswered--they really did get answered, you just did not know or recognize it. I would make sure your hubby right now knows that you were curious about your ex and that you contacted him and then let your ex know that because it could bring up old feelings that you are going to wish him all the best and then leave it at that. While your ex may still seem dreamy, remember, he has flaws and who knows? Maybe he has hidden things that would make you cringe. What someone was like in middle school may  be totally different than who they are now and the time in middle school was a time of being carefree and without worries. Maybe that is what you are longing for more than anything else--just to have fun and not to be tied down with any burden of anything and just to be in that romantic phase of ga-ga love again. Stir things up with your hubby and recognize that that phase is only a passing one--what you have with your DH is so much deeper than what you could have had back then. Anyway, don't beat yourself up over it...but do move on and be happy that your ex has found a career he enjoys and that he is safe and sound and hope that he too finds what you have found with your DH.

[Honey Child]

I agree with most of ya'll.  I wasn't really looking for him at the time, I was just brousing to see if I could find some of my old friends and I came across him.  I did not contact him because of the what ifs.  I wanted to appligize to him for the way I treated him right before he moved.  That has haunted me ever since I did what I did and have been living with the guilt ever since.  The careers where a coincidence because he owns his own business and has a website for it and I looked up his medic lincence and he does have one.  I think I will stop contact with him.  I never inteded or will inteded to get back with him.  I don't even plan on tring to see him in person.  He lives about 6 states away anyway.  Thank for the opions though.  Despite what anybody says I am very happy with my husband.  Again I do not and never will want to get back together with the ex.  It was along time ago and I know he is not the same person he was back then.  I almost wish I would not have even found him.  I also found a few of my girlfriends that I had in middle school too.  Should I quit contacting them too??? Hum!!!!!

[AnnieBrooke]

Don't be offended at what the ladies said about maybe being dissatisfied in your marriage.  If you had unfinished feelings for the guy, it's normal to wonder about him.  That said, I'm glad you won't keep in touch.  These things can take on a life of their own that nobody intends at the outset.  It's just a matter of deciding you aren't going to cheat, and then not, that helps you in these wistful moments when thinking about the past.

[newbie2b]

I think it's normal to wonder what if about a lot of situations. I wonder what if all the time if I would have married my ex (we were engaged).  I know he was no good for me but, I still wonder how it would have been to marry him. What are life would have been like because we were an awful fit.
Anyhow, I personally am the type that gets bored easily.  So sometimes my mind wanders.  But that's about as far as it goes. I think some people are just like that.  

[kerryke]

I agree with Annie and newbie
Just let it be what it is...It was fun to find him and I'm sure stirs up feelings...and of course you can be happily married and still wonder what happened to people or what would be different in your life.
You have 3 kids and a good husband, and that is a dream...don't ever let that go....Imagine if your husband was doing the same thing, it always seems different if we imagine them doing it.  It's fun to think back, but once you start having feelings of guilt, even if your emails haven't gone deeper,
it is because you know that you are doing something that could lead down a bad path, no matter how you try to justify it.  You are both different people now, you found him, but you have a happy life.
You commited to your husband and your kids and you will hate yourself if back out of that and wish
you could come back to the way things used to be.  

[newbie2b]

I wonder if your a sagittarus.. :)

[tmv]

Thoughts of an ex and acting on the thoughts are 2 separate issues altogether. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, which is what you were asking, I think. Anyhow, if you are strong enough to avoid the temptation, then you are a much stronger woman than most. Having guilt from a past relationship is also a form of not being able to let it go. I'm sure that he has forgiven you. Things happen for a reason.

If you truly don't know the difference in how old boyfriends and old girlfriends affect you, then I don't think that any of this advice is going to matter.

Best wishes and I'm glad you are not planning on keeping in touch.

[cantwait4baby]

I think everything you did was normal.  I search people on Myspace all the time and if I found an ex I would write to him and actually I have.  The part that is not normal is wondering if he is the one that got away when you are married?  That would be something an unmarried person might say but your husband didn't get away he is right there with you and your children.  If you really feel that way maybe you and your husband should talk (do not tell him about the ex) and go on a few dates - that is you and your husband.  Relationships tent to get old esp when you have children and you are in a routine.  Refresh it you may find that you are in love with your husband just as much as you were the day you married him.

[AndiJ78]

Contacting former girlfriends is vastly different than contacting an ex and wondeing if he is the one that got away. Dangerous ground for sure.

I agree with others that asked how you would feel if you found your husband had these same thoughts or feelings about an ex he happened to find on MySpace, started chatting with her, started wondering if he made the wrong decision in marrying you? I also agree that guilt occurs when something deep down knows that what you are doing isn't quite right.

I am sure you will work it all out. Shame you won't use your regular username.

[deanne11]

Yeah - dont take offense to what anyone said, including myself.

I guess I just don't get the looking up people from the past....to be honest.  I have a wonderful dh, child, pets...home...I have no time to be searching myspace (don't even know how to use it anyway) for people (man or women) from my past.....Really NO time.

I've also been the person who always always looks forward and never in the past....I don't do what if's....God has me where I'm suppose to be...I know that.

Actually, I just lied...I did do a 'what if' last year when I had my 3rd m/c.....I had to have the baby removed by d&e and played the 'what if the drs were wrong' card about a hundred times.

but, I'm old school....never use the computer at home, don't even have cable TV....LOL

I'm just glad you are happy in the marriage...it makes me sad when people can't stay happy with their life partner....I'm so happy, I want everyone to feel like this

[Me2mommy2b]

One of my exes contacted me after he got a divorce to see how I'm doing (I was already married and with a newborn DD at the time).  I made it very clear to him that I'm doing VERY WELL (luckily, he got the clue and backed off).  But in all seriousness, he's a great guy...it just didn't work out (the dating back in the day).  There is a reason for everything that happens in our lives.  When I start with the "what ifs", it never ends.  Good luck to you.

[TonyaB]

Wow...this post created a lot of responses!  I think it's completely normal to wonder about past relationships.  I wonder often, not because I want to be with that person, I just wonder what they are up to, who they became, etc.  I have one ex from high school that I wonder about all the time because I was very into him.  I would never trade what I have now to be with him.  I think contacting your old flame was a risky move, but just leave it at that.  It's good to know what he's up to but be careful about getting too involved in his life.  Who knows maybe he's happily married too and has no interest in getting involved in much either.  

[Sashasmama]

Hi.  I'd like to tell you NOT to let anyone get to you about this.  You know what's best for you.  I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one, trust me.  A lot of women have done the same thing, but not many would own up to it!  No one wants to ruin their reputation!  That's the reason why you changed your name, so just remember when women reply to your question they are replying under their regular names on here, and no one wants to tell the world about something like this.  I've been through the same ordeal.  I know it's wrong, but I know exactly how you feel.  I looked up my ex on myspace as well!  I've been with my husband for 5 years and we have a daughter and ARE happily married, sometimes your human nature and curiosity takes over.  I wrote him, he wrote back, then a few messages later I've come to realize that I love my husband to death and there is no way I would trade him for anyone else in the world.  I've known him better than I would've ever known my ex that I messaged to.  I didn't write anything that would be considered "cheating", just a "how are you" and "what have you been up to", told him about my family, he told me about his life...and then by the way he wrote me I saw that this person would never love me as much as my husband does.  I do not regret doing that, BECAUSE of it I've come to realize even more that what I have is what I need in life.  I think as some time goes by, maybe a couple of weeks, you'll see the same picture.  Good Luck to you, and I hope this helped.  I know how bad and guilty you might feel, even though you weren't flirting with that guy.  I actually told my husband about that, we had a few fired up arguments, but in the end I felt like I did the right thing about telling him.  I'm not the cheating type!  I would never do anything like that, but I think that is why talking to someone of the opposite sex that you have had relations with YEARS ago is considered such taboo.  Everyone wants to feel young again, and I'm sure that's why you did it, just that feeling of freedom and whatever else.  But trust me, this shall pass and you will only GAIN from the situation.  Been there.

[molley21]

You should not have even contacted him in the first place, now you've opened that door allowing things to come and go.

[#1 girl]

I think people are being a little too hard on you for reaching out to a boyfriend from when you were 13.  You can be happily married and still wonder about what happened to someone, you are a human.  When I look back on a guy I was with at 13, OMG, we were kids.  Does that even count.  It is more that he was a friend.  At 13 you hold hands and go to the movies (I hope).  People want to throw stones at you for talking to him on line, that is so silly.  These people need to take a step back and look at things they have done.  You have done nothing wrong, maybe you feel a sence of closure now.  I think you did nothing wrong at all.  This does not mean you do not like/love your husband.