Fathers kissing DD on the lips

I have a question. I am not with the father of my (future) child. Actually I never have been in theat since. I am extremely uncomfortable with some things about him ( and that may just be me - or hormones as my mother says. My instinct says differently). I am adamant that if i have a girl I do not want him to kiss her on her lips. I just have a serious issue with that. Is this something that I am over reacting about? I have never kissed him myself but i still feel its inappropriate. I voiced this yesterday and he told me " Whatever, it was his child and he would". I was dead serious and really want him to know I am not playing. Can anyone give me feedback?

[gonza]

If you dont mind me asking (i dont know your situation and dont mean to offend) but how could you be having a child with a man you have never kissed?

[trixie charles]

My thoughts exactly!  What is wrong with kissing your baby on the lips?  I wouldn't have a problem with it!!!

[anjelique]

Well I have posted here before and some people know the story but I guess you guys don't. Synopsis: New years eve..one night stand...chose to make a right decision and not abort. I just don't think its appropriate for men to kiss little girls on the lips. Thats my personal opinion. Just wondering what other mothers thought. I think I would feel that way regardless. It just doesn't seem right.

[Debra_Maine]

To me, it depends on the kiss. A peck would be fine, a long kiss could be inappropriate, but I would think fathers wouldn't kiss for long, just quick. I plan to give my son quick pecks on the lips. And I wouldn't think twice about it.

[nanakay]

would you kiss your son on the lips??  if so what is the difference?
my husband is uncomfortable bathing our dd but that is his comfortzone not mine. (he says girls have to many parts)
~nanci

[andileigh]

I have a son who is 6 and I still kiss him on the lips, my husband kisses my daughter on the lips.  For that matter, I kiss my daughter on the lips.  My parents both did.  I don't see the problem.  I think it is both an appropriate and natural expression of affection.

[Angel4JohnnyB]

My older ds is 10 and I still kiss him on the lips......have to tell him to wipe them dry all the time before I kiss him (gross) but I do not feel that it is inappropriate.
I kiss my 10 month old ds on the lips as well and if the baby I'm carrying is a girl then I will also kiss her on the lips. As will my dh.

I still kiss my own father on the lips. I do not feel that there is anything at all wrong with just a peck!!!!

Sounds to me like you have an issue with this guy just "being your child's father."
Not really with the kissing, just with him in general.

You have 18 years that you must deal with him......get over the small stuff or you will all be miserable including the child!!!

[cinnamonheart]

Okay im sort of going against the majority here, I think a peck is fine like many have said
But for some reason you said you didnt like "things" about him  Maybe we dont know the whole story and if he has done or said in appropriate things then definetly NO
You know him better than us and as a mother you should do what is best for the child. IF FOR ANY REASON YOU THINK HE IS SEXUALLY 'TURNED ON' by this than NO NO NO

[Jaelyn's Mama]

I have a little girl, and am still with her dad. He kisses her on the lips. There is nothing wrong with it. It is a way to show affection. As long as he is'nt  doing anything inappropriate, it is more than okay to let him do it. What if it's a boy? Would you kiss him on the lips? It's the same thing.

[anjelique]

Well I don't kiss my father on the lips. Never have. I know that I would kiss my own children. And yes I do have other issues with him, you are right. For one smokes. I HATE that..its so nasty. And yes I do understand it is 18 years or more. I just want to do what is best for my child in every cicumstance and in out present situation I don't think certain things are called for at all. I am praying about some of my feelings in regard to this. The kissing thing truely just bothered me beyond measure.

[jluhart]

My father died when I was a baby, but I imagine I would give give him quick pecks to say hi or good-bye.  I kiss my nephew on the lips good-bye.  I also kiss my friend's boy and girl children hi and good-bye.  

I know you have feelings about your baby's father, but I wouldn't let them affect his relationship with his child until given a reason.  That reason should only concern the child and not you.  Does that make sense?

[cajun01]

I might as well throw in my two cents here.  It is your child and if you are uncomfortable with such an action, there is a reason for it, whether it be problems with his past history/current actions/mindset, etc... or whether YOU are the one with past issues that you need to deal with.

I think that, bottom line, if YOU are the primary caretaker of the child, you should be able to dictate what others do with your child.  I know that he is the father, but you mentioned that it isn't a solid relationship, so if he's just going to pay support and see the child once every few weeks, I don't think he has a right to go over and above what you want.  If he wants to be a more involved daddy, then it might be more complicated to resolve.  Also, if your child will be with the father without your supervision, you really won't have control over this.

I personally don't have a problem with lip-kissing up to a certain age, but I think that if you are not comfortable with it, you shouldn't have to allow it.

I think that all of us want to feel that the decisions we make as adults are respected, even if they aren't agreed upon.

[Christie2004]

I think it is up to the person/family/situations involved.  

If something creeps you out...follow your instincts and do not allow it.  You will find you rely on your motherly instincts all the time--TRUST THEM.

While, as others said, there is nothing overtly wrong with a peck on the lips between parents and children, in this situation, with this man...something is bothering you.  In todays climate of child molestation accusations---I don't think many men would openly and defiantly insist on their "rights" to kiss a female child on the lips.  

Something isn't quite right with the situation.  It may be ok for some, but if it doesn't feel right to you--follow and trust your instincts.

[anjelique]

All of it makes sense. I guess I should just wait until the child is here. I don't regret my child but I sure regret him. He makes me feel as if my thoughts behind things don't matter. As if he will do what he wants to do regardless. He has even told me that he will spoil my child but if I place him on child support my child will get less. I mean its just aimless threats. Just stupidity. I found out he smoke marijuana occasionally and that bothers me as well. I don;t think he would be idiotic enough to do it around a child but still. I think my issue is basically with me as well. It was a horrible decision I made. I have a steady job, 28, and am trying to go to law school. He is not my ideal and I am not overtly comfortable with him being a father or forcing me to be his family member. As well, I still don't think I want to have him kissing my child like that. I will take into effect what you all said and continue praying. I am just someone that tries to solve problems ahead of time, maybe I should just slow down.

[cinnamonheart]

He is just trying to **** you off!! Dont let him you are pregnant and this is a time for you and baby!!
Your thoughts matter!! You are the mother of this child and he/she will spend most of the time with you.
I hope with all your praying your prayers get answered
Best Wishes

[jluhart]

Not to upset anyone, but doesn't it take two to make a baby, so shouldn't two people raise the child if willing?  That being said, a mother and a father have equal rights to raise a baby as long as the decisions are beneficial and healthy for the child.  If you don't want him telling you how to raise your child, he probably feels the same way about you.  Good or bad, you are both the parents of your child.

[anjelique]

Thanks...I appreciate it

[anjelique]

Considering he has been more than a donkey's hind side and listening to him I don't think our parental values are the same. I have gone to college - he hasn't. He smokes- I don't. He used to be in the streets- I haven't.  He asked me what type of father do I expect him to be, as if he didn't even know what his own role should be. Its ridiculous. We are not the same and his temper is not worth dealing with. In that respect I don't know how many parental guidelines I am willing to give him control over.

[lovinmom]

P.S.  I am a Christian so I will say a prayer for you on this one.  As you can tell, it is something that I feel strongly about.  I just have seen the damage that has been done to people I know who have been molested.  I err on the side of caution with my children and teach them to be aware.

[anjelique]

Oh I completely agree with that too- under the right circumstances

[robin1979]

I have a 4 year old daughter, her daddy kisses her on the lips. I have already started teaching her good touch and bad touch. Also what is a good kiss and a bad kiss. She is very smart for her age and trust me little girls let their daddies know when the kissing on the lips stop. My son is 2 and he also expresses that kissing period is ewwwwwwwwwww to him. Also its a decission you and the babies daddy have to come to. Just so you know i was a molested child and a child of rape so i fgure you went through something similar, all i can say is don't ruin the child, just because of something that might have happened to you. I protect my young yes, but there is a time  when protecting and over protecting can leed to big trouble. My mother was over protective and I did everything she didn't want me to do. So think about it first before it gets out of hand. My prayers.

[anjelique]

I wasn't molested...just don't like it. As I can see I am the minority so maybe I need to pray harder about it. I guess my problems are more with him than anyone. So if there are any of you that actually do pray for those of us on this site I honestly would appreciate it. Even if you say- Lord help Christi. He'll know who I am.

[blondie72]

You know I have to say I am kind of like that.  I mean I kiss my baby boy on the lips all the time and use to do it to my daughter but now she is 6 and I find myself not doing as much now.  I do not know what it is.  My sister said I give people weird kisses.  I put my lips in (like when you put on lipstick and rub your lips together) sort of.  I even turn my head sometimes when my DH goes to kiss me.  I have no idea why I do this because I was never molested either or had anything bad happen.  I guess I just do not like kissing people.  I mean I will get in a mood at times where DH & I will kiss but I do not enjoy it much.  If you do not want him to kiss her that is fine.  Of course when he is with her he will do what he wants.  What makes you leary of this.  Does he seem like he would be inappropriate???  If so maybe you can tell him you made a mistake and he is not the father LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It is your call.  I however would not want to kiss a smoker either.  Talk about nasty.  You may as well give the kid an ashtray and say here eat up LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry do not want to offend any smokers out there.  Take Care and Good Luck.

PS.  Dear God,  please answer Christie's prayers.   ((((HUGS)))

[blondie72]

You know I have to say I am kind of like that.  I mean I kiss my baby boy on the lips all the time and use to do it to my daughter but now she is 6 and I find myself not doing as much now.  I do not know what it is.  My sister said I give people weird kisses.  I put my lips in (like when you put on lipstick and rub your lips together) sort of.  I even turn my head sometimes when my DH goes to kiss me.  I have no idea why I do this because I was never molested either or had anything bad happen.  I guess I just do not like kissing people.  I mean I will get in a mood at times where DH & I will kiss but I do not enjoy it much.  If you do not want him to kiss her that is fine.  Of course when he is with her he will do what he wants.  What makes you leary of this.  Does he seem like he would be inappropriate???  If so maybe you can tell him you made a mistake and he is not the father LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It is your call.  I however would not want to kiss a smoker either.  Talk about nasty.  You may as well give the kid an ashtray and say here eat up LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry do not want to offend any smokers out there.  Take Care and Good Luck.

PS.  Dear God,  please answer Christie's prayers.   ((((HUGS)))

[cinnamonheart]

Lord help Christi

Hey things will turn out!! if he is a deadbeat from what you have said  Maybe in 9 months he wont even be around (dont know how far along u are)
unfortunately he has rights as the father. Sometimes though having a child changes alot of people for the better
so lets hope this is the case.

[lovinmom]

I am with you on this one.  I just don't feel comfortable with it myself.  I respect others views, but for my children, I don't have this.  In this world with so much molestation going on, I don't want my children comfortable kissing family on the lips.  If they are comfortable with this with family, there is a chance that they will be comfortable with strangers or even bad family members who might try and trick them.  

I did not grow up with kissing on the lips.  A good friend of mine has a Japenese husband.  In my friend's husband's family, they don't kiss on the lips.  In fact, many Japanese do not.  There is less incidence of molestation in the Japanese culture.  Many Japanese have very happy and healthy marriages and families.  So this is not an issue that will affect that. I have another friend who does the kissing on the lips thing.  Her children will go around trying to kiss everyone on the lips.  They are so used to it, that they are comfortable with it with anyone.  That brings me to the point of where it could be dangerous with bad family members or strangers at school, etc..People who have bad motives will often not appear that way with children.  They will come across as a friend and will try and trick them.  

In my husband's family, every one kisses each other on the lips.  There are many cases of molestation in my husband's family.  My husband likes to kiss our three year old on the lips.  He knows my views about this.  I don't make a big issue about it with him, because I know that if I do, he would most likely do it to bug me.   Instead, I have trained my girls to kiss people on the cheeks and to give hugs and only in my presence with people I approve of.  Kisses are reserved for the marriage relationship in their eyes.  My girls would not feel comfortable kissing on the lips now due to my training.  They will just give kisses on the cheeks and hugs.  My oldest daughter is almost 12, so she doesn't really kiss my husband on the cheeks at all.  My husband will give her a kiss on the cheeks which I am fine with.

It does seem like the father of your child does have some bad issues.  One of them being drugs.  I would not even want this man to watch my child.  Who knows what he may do while on drugs.  People often do things that they would normally would not do. Especially with child porn so easily accesible on the internet, who knows what things could lurk on a person's mind through an altered state.   If it took making an agreement with this man that you won't get child support in exchange of you having full custody, I would do that.   My child's safety and well being would be more important to me than any money.  Any agreements I would do in writing and have the father sign to it.  If you absolutely need the money, I would even consider going to court to get full custody.  I would document and get proof of his drug use and use it and anything else in court.  The courts would maybe grant you full custody and and child support.  I wouldn't tell the father that you are going to do any of this. Just do your homework and then do it if you feel this is what needs to be done.

I wish you well with all of this.  Write back so I know that you got this message.

[cinnamonheart]

Yes I agree with both father and mother raising a child and having input equally.
But it depends on the situation, or if the parent is a unfit mother/father all things  need to be considered for the health of the child

[Jaelyn's Mama]

I just want to say that this is insane! I didnt know there was such a debate about this. It's your baby regardless. If you arent comfortable with it, then by all means dont let him do it. But to me and many many others there is nothing AT ALL wrong with it. I am 20 years old and still kiss my dad on the lips, it doesnt mean we got some freak relationship going on, I just love my dad. As long as it is not a further down the line family member, its perfectly fine. I am not saying to let your kid kiss the whole damn world, just her father! Of course as long as he isnt a *********, Which would be the only definitely not circumstance. (Then his ass should be in jail) but I think the other girl is right, he is probably just trying to **** you off, and you him as well. The only good advice I can give ya is to just ignore his butt and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, you are emotional and very protective right now, and just have the conversation with him after the baby is born. Good Luck to you! AND TRY NOT TO WORRY!!

[Angel4JohnnyB]

I will be the first to tell you that drug useage will NOT get that child taken away from the father & get the mother full custody!!!!!!!!!!
My ex was found with a WORKING meth lab in the shed, drugs inside the house and meth in his system all while he had 4 children (one was mine) inside the home.......he got supervised visitation until his **** test came back negative and he got 90 days work release in jail. THAT WAS IT!!!!!! And he only got the jail time because he was already on probation.

I had to laugh and agree with the post about just telling the baby isn't his.......just tell him you are a slut (not that you are) and that according to the doctor the baby was conceived at another time. And then move away from there!!!!!!

[anjelique]

Thanks for the prayers. Its interesting to see that such a debate has arisen from this. I want to be clear that I am not trying to **** him off in any manner I am just speaking things that come to my mind ahead of time so that I will not have to deal with them later. I do however think that I will leave this issue alone until the child is here. I agree that he is the type to do it just to **** me off. By the way I am not that far along 14 weeks and 2 days. I will find out what my child is on April 29th. It seems like the closer it gets the more paranoid I am. I realize a lot of this circles around my regret in sleeping with him in the first place. He wants to name my child, wants my child to have his last name,and doesn't take some things that I say seriously unless I almost get an attitude which is ridiculous. It just makes me nervous. I told him I don't want the marijuana use around my child at all. (He says he only does it on the weekends). Its stange that his mother is a Pastor of a church and he turned out the way that he is (in my eyes). I agree kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray- just nasty. I don't want my child exposed to that. I don't think he is a molester of anytype but something just makes me uncomfortable.

I honestly would like full custody of my child but that seems close to impossible...and do dread the day that I have to let him keep him/her.His mother is a registered nurse- which is nice but I still dread it.

[anjelique]

Thanks Nanci. I was raised in a two parent home and I know the value of having a father. I would never take my child away from her father. That is wrong and cruel but any person in my situation would wonder about the other person ( as I am sure he wonders about me) I have taken the opportunity of contacting a friend that has access to records and am havign a background check done on him. I know its over the edge but I'd rather know if there is anything that I need to know that I may not find out by self admission.

He doesn't seem like a horrible person but there are things that I don't like. Plus he can't seem to get a clue that I am not trying to be in any type of relationship with him. :) I'm taking it in stride. I don't plan on treating him evil because of how I feel. I will be extremely watchful with him though. many people can testify that sometimes you don't even know the people you married until the change. I am not afforded that luxury.

[nanakay]

i actually just want to say...i hope you don't plan on running away with this child and keeping him/her away from the father.  he is the father!  and if you don't let your child know him it will bite you in the rump someday...because you will turn into the bad guy.  this baby isn't even born yet, and by your own admission you had a one night stand so therefore i must assume don't really know to terribly much about this guy...he may turn out to be the worlds best father.
i've seen men torn up because the mother regretted eing with him so they just wanted to hurt him.

i agree that you should trust your instincts but i think the guy should be given a chance....just like someone else said, sometimes fatherhood can change them for the better.
good luck and i hope you have a beautiful child.
~nanci

[jluhart]

I just don't want a father to miss out because of feelings the mother has towards the man as a person and not as a father.  

I have several male friends/relatives that would love to see their kids more, but the court has only given them every weekend or every other weekend.  Can you imagine living away from your kids?  I think situations like these is why a lot of us are against unprotected sex.  The kids are the ones that might suffer.  

This might help.  I have two sisters, ages 11 and 15.  Their father is not someone I would have chosen to have a child with, but he is a good father.  He needs help as a person, but again, the girls love him and he tries his best to take care of them.  

[lovinmom]

P.S.  There was a reason even if the parent did not know why.  Their parental instinct just told them there was something to be concerned about.

[jluhart]

I don't remember your original post, how did he become the father of your baby?

[lovinmom]

I forgot to mention that I have a friend who was in the same situation as you.  She had a slip with a guy and had gotten pregnant with twins from him.  My friend also did not feel comfortable about the father.  Later there was some speculation that the girls may have been molested.  My friend who I had met at work was a chemist for the large corporation that we worked at.  After going through so many headaches with the father, my friend went back to school to become an attorney.  My friend is now an attorney.  She has fought many legal issues with the father.  I guess I am just speaking partly from her experience on the legal issues.  I have seen how she has documented many issues.  My friend came a long way with her legal battles.  The father never did get full custody.  He was able to see the girls every other weekend only.  Like I said with my other post, I am respectful of others views, but if you don't feel comfortable with it, there is a reason for it.  In all of the cases I know of where the parent was not comfortable, there was a reason as well.

[anjelique]

For all of those who missed the post...it was a mishap on New year's. I never said I think he will be a bad father, I do not plan on keeping him away from my child, I do not plan on running away with my child. every child needs a father. I just want him to keep his lips of my childs lips if it is a girl. That is all. And personally the only issues I have with him is HIm being in MY life. I don't him to keep the ludacris thought in his mind that we are going to play house and just become an instaneous family. That is all. Not running away from him.