Favoring one grandchild over the other?!?!?!

Girls..i need your help!
My mother is such a wonderful lady and a very close friend of mine...we get along really well..
Since my brother and his wife had their DS (2 months), who is my godson, my mother drops anything/everything to hold him and be with him.
There have been MANY times...where my DD (13 months) was in the room and my mother has almost shunned her/ ignored me and my DD.
For example...
When my bro/SIL are eating...my mother jumps up and would stop eating her meal so they can eat and she can hold my nephew. Today, we were at my mothers house and I had asked her if she could hold my DD while my hubby and i ate (my mother had already eaten) and she said..sure..i'll hold her-as she hesitated- until you finish...not even 2 seconds later my SIL was holding her DS and my mother said 'oh..i'll take him' and handed my DD off to my father.
There have even been times when i have asked my mother for help, while in the presence of my nephew and she ignored me...
This is upsetting me b/c i feel that my fam. -esp. my DD is getting the short end of the stick.
TRUST ME..i am not jealous and love my little nephew with all of my heart!!!
IT just upsets me that my mother acts this way. I have addressed this situation with her before...that's why I got so upset today when she did it again...

I feel like i am a teenager fighting with her mother ( i'm 28 btw)...but when it comes to my DD i'm going to protect her (i know she has not clue what is going on)...

I am sorry for rambling..i am just very hurt...

Any advice?

[Me2mommy2b]

I think your mom's just trying to be helpful to the new family (since their ds is only 2 months).  I'm sure she doesn't see it that way and loves your DD as much as she loves the new addition.

[jjerzeegirl]

You would think that...but honestly...that's not it....TRUST ME..b/c i've discussed this with  my mom already....
They are super parents and have had everything under control since he came in to the world.
I think she just feels that she can see my DD whenever she wants to...BUT does not feel comfortable calling my SIL and asking to see my nephew. So when she is around him it's 100% about him...
we all love 10min away from eachother..so it's not a distance thing either...ya know...

[Cheyenne_08]

My mom is the same way with my sister. She had cancer when she was 12, and since then my family acts like she is SO MUCH more important than everyone else. When she had her daughter 5 years ago, everyone was so excited because they thought she might never be able to have kids. My sister and her life get all the spot light. Well, my son was born 3 months ago premature and no one but my immediate family came to the hospital. Some still have yet to see him and they live less then 15 miles away!!! Well, I was thinking this would be Ashtyn's time to shine since he is the only boy......well, my sister announced last week that she is pregnant again. So of course, Ashtyn gets pushed into the background with the excitment of the NEWS! So upsetting when it feels like your own family doesn't care.

[PGB]

Just wanted to tell you that I know how you feel.  My dh's parents are REALLY bad about this too.  I have a step daugher who is 14 years old.  She was the first grandchild of theirs, she's the only girl, etc., etc...my boys get pushed aside ALL THE TIME.  I've been so hurt and upset about it that I've discussed it with MIL a few times.  Whenever I say anything she makes excuses (her mom left her when she was a baby and they feel like they need to make it up to her that she did and that her mom and dad are divorced.  the boys don't have that to deal with because me and their dad are still together.  well, she doesn't even REMEMBER them being married, she was only 14 or 15 months old when her mom left.)  Anyway, every time I say anything it gets better for a couple of months and then it's right back like it was.

[Trialanderror]

I was just about to post a similar question. I have seen it so many times now that grandmothers usually get very attached to their first grandchild and for some reason even 100% more so if it is their son`s first male off-spring. iWhen I had my son who was the first grandchild in my husband`s  family, it was almost as if the new grandmother wanted to push me out of the way and re-live her early years with her own son. I was a bit post-partum sensitive then and took it the wrong way when she asked within days of his birth how long I intended to breastfeed. I had a year in mind but said 2 months. "What, that long?" she exclaimed. "I want to feed him too!". And she called him by my husband`s name. I can tell you that any of the subsequent children that were born to my husband`s siblings are just second class.
The grandmothers on both sides of the family talked once and confided that nothing ever beats the love for a first grandchild. I remember that even my own grandmothers much more prefered my older brother and strutted off with him pretending they were the mother when he was a baby, or so I was told.
The only explanation I have for this is that it must be like first-time teenage love that is just not the same the second time around. Or grandmothers who had a hard time letting go when their infants grew up see a second chance to get all that baby stuff back in their lives. Or maybe it is the first time they think about the magnificence of the cycle of life and link that to the first grandchild forever. I wonder if us mothers will all be like that when time comes but I don`t think so. I quite enjoy my son`s growing independence and I don`t need a grandchild to show me the severity of life and death.
What I am trying to say is that it is a very common phenomenon that has no real solution except that time will smoothen the waves of disappointment you are currently feeling.

[RockRose]

jjerz - you are jealous.  That's not a bad thing,  and it sounds like your jealousy is very justified,  but call it what it is and own it.   Jealousy.  

Has your mother always favored the boys?  Has she always been more ready to serve your brother than serve you,  and now in your heart it's magnified 100X because it's his boy vs. your girl?     It seems like sibling rivalry,  and feelings,  increase so much when you're feeling for your children vs. experiencing the way you yourself are treated.

On my side of the family,  my sister had the favored kids,  and on my husband's side of the family, my kids are the favored.  Now that they're mostly grown the dynamics have changed somewhat,  but when they were babies it was really obvious that there were favorites with the grandmothers.

I don't think you can change this.  For whatever reason,  she is more emotionally invested - or more comfortable - with your brother's son than she is with your daughter.  

When you look at this dispassionately,  can you think of a reason she is more comfortable with your brother and his son,  or feels the need to help them more?

[pertykitty]

i have the first grandchild, a boy 9.  my sis has a girl 4 and a boy 1 1/2.  you can see a difference in how she is with all the grandkids.  she does tend to favor my sis' but i think it has to do with my sis and her husband have issues, i think my mom tends to feel the need to "save" the kids but also i think its the "baby" thing.  i am pg now and i guess maybe she will be that way with mine, but if not im ok.  my sis was the favorite, still is, so maybe that is the issue. my mom loves my son, she loves them all, part of it could be me too.  i have always been more distant to my mom, kept a space between us.  who knows. i see with my ex his mom so called favoring a sis' kids, but she knows those kids need more than their parents can give.  maybe your bro and sil arent as together as you think, or its the the new baby.  

[Trialanderror]

Sorry, I did not catch that YOUR daughter was actually the first-born grandchild. So much for my theories....Maybe it is a male preference thing. Even though my mother and I have a pretty good relationship as well, she told me once she was desperate at my birth that I was a girl. And she still is.

[daprincess21]

I have 4 nephews and three neices and honostly with my dd, out of all of them she is more "loved" than any of the others. reason being is because my mom sees her everyday. The others dont get to come around much and when they do, she shows them more attention than Kennedy. This does not bother me rather than make me happy to see that she loves them also reguardless of their parents choice not to let them see their grandma. (long drawn out story) I too show them alot of affection when they are around bc i dont really get to see them much either. Thats just how it is in my family...not really sure whats gunnna happen between dd and the new baby when it comes...

[AnnieBrooke]

A beloved person in my family often talks about how her father doesn't show her sons the kind of attention she thinks he should, and she has made some questionable calls in her own behavior in her attempts to get him to act differently than he does regarding her boys.  (Ex.:  she didn't tell them that her father's elderly dog [who the boys liked] had died, because she expected her dad to call the boys and tell them.  Well, this man is obtuse and it would never dawn on him to call the boys to tell them.  So they learned it by accident.)   It sometimes just seems like she is replaying old wants and needs for her own self, except cloaking it in the guise of "for my boys."  So all I would caution you about is, if you go to bat for your child, be careful to keep it about what makes the child happy in relation to grandma, versus what makes you happy in relation to the other adults.  You yourself can do a lot to keep a child from feeling any sense that grandma prefers anyone else, even if it means covering for grandma temporarily.  And things change over the years too.  Some adults like certain aged children more than at other ages.  So keep an even keel, and a firm eye on not making things worse for your daughter in your zeal to change her grandma to what you perceive to be a more equal approach.  Good luck.

[have 2 kids]

Honestly, it sounds like jealousy.   Everyone loves a new baby and wants to give it all there attention.  I'm sure your mom loves your daughter just as much and isn't intentionally trying to shun her.    If you had the youngest in the family she would probably be paying more attention to that child.    

[anxiousmomtobe?]

My Mum favours my dd, the first granchild, now 16.  It drives me nuts, but the other grandkids (including my ds almost 4) However, the kids don't seem to notice and she loves them all so I just try to ignore it.

My mil favours my nephew who she hardly ever sees as he lives across the country.  Anything my ds can do, Joshua can do better (according to my mil).  It really grates on me, but I try to remind myself that it is because Joshua is so far away.  He is a sweet boy and I don't want her comments to take away the pleasure we have in having such a dear nephew.

[jjerzeegirl]

Thanks for the support ladies..
My mom actually just called me and we are working things out...
I know she loves the kids equally and would NEVER question that....she'd give them an arm if they needed it...she's that type of person.

It think it stems from my family being a bunch of busters....
My bro always busted my mom and said 'you're not going to love my son as much as you love her'....again...just busting....
SO../..she took that to heart and is trying to make everything even...as she always tries to....
anyway.....
thanks again for your advice/stories...

[2boys1princess]

my mom is the same way, but, with my own kids.
i have three: 8yr boy, 4 yr boy and 1 yr girl. she will do anything for my 4 yr old and my girl. but when it comes to my 8yr old, she just basically ignores him.
when she visits or we visit her, she will make sure that my son hugs her and gives her a kiss, then she goes and takes my daughter, but she can care less if my oldest son even says hi to her.
one time she came to the house, she had bought my son and daughter some PJs, two for each and nothing for my 8yr old. it breaks my heart to see this, because now that my son is a little older, he notices this things. my husband gets to mad and even told her one day that if she is going to get something for the other two, then she will have to get something for all three or nothing at all.
i don't know how to bring it up without getting too upset. it is so obvious how differently she treats them...