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GUILTY!!!!
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GUILTY!!!!

This month is now a bust. AF arrived last evening. My DH and I have been TTC since a m/c in August 06 and nothing. I feel like a total loser and afraid that I'll never have children. My DH and I are both 27 so many say I'm over reacting. I'm healthy, active and have regular cycles 26-27 days. But I can't stop thinking that GOD is punishing me for things I've done in the pass. I'm a very driven person career wise and I just didn't want anything to come in the way of my dreams. My DH and I have been together since we were 20. We moved in together at 22 and got married at 24. I've been pregnant 4 times:1 ended in m/c and I have no children, so I leave it up to you ladies to figure out why I feel so guilty. This has been eating away at me since the m/c last year. I can't help but think that GOD has decided not to bless me again because of the fact that I didn't appreciate and understand the gifts he had bestowed upon me earlier in my life. I'm at the point now where I'm tired of trying. I'm stressed and I feel like a total failure. I know many of you will judge me based on my previous deeds but maybe I need that to validate my guilt. I'm really at the point in my life where both DH and I are ready but I can't help but think I will never get that opportunity to be a mother.
Obviously I have no question…I just need to let this out!!!
Tags: maternal
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17 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Don't give up. I am 27 too and I have 2 living children and have had 2 mc. My last mc was May 06. I am now 18 wks pregnant and thought for sure it wasn't going to happen again, but it did and there is hope. It also took 6 months to try for my second and my husband was ready to give up which tore me apart. We hung in there and finally got pregnant with our second. Sometimes it seems like things are not going to work, but you have to try to stay positive. I sort of stopped dwelling on it after about 4 months and finally got my BFP! You will too. It will come when you least expect it. Now I stress over every little thing with this pregnancy. DH keeps telling me to stay positive and I really think you have to. That way you are not stressed and your body will be relaxed. Good luck and good news will come to you. Take care and remember don't give up!
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164559_tn?1233711618
God would not punish you in such a way.  I am sure He understands your heartache.  Guilt keeps you mired in the past.  Put your regrets behind you and embrace your future.

Sometimes those procedures leave scarring, have you been to see a specialist?  Maybe you need to have some tests run to see why you are having problems conceiving and carrying a child.
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164559_tn?1233711618
God would not punish you in such a way.  I am sure He understands your heartache.  Guilt keeps you mired in the past.  Put your regrets behind you and embrace your future.

Sometimes those procedures leave scarring, have you been to see a specialist?  Maybe you need to have some tests run to see why you are having problems conceiving and carrying a child.
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Avatar_n_tn
The only punishment is what you are subjecting yorself to. Don't feel guilty, try to leave that behind you, although I understand it must be hard. The only reason you are not conceiving may be that you are so stressed about it. Try to relax, it has only been 5 months. Good luck!  
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172826_tn?1292440112
You know hun, f you were not ready at that point in time in your life then you did what you felt what right. God isn't punishing you, he probably feels that right now atthis particular time isn't a right time and don't give up-it will happen eventually I am sure of it:) Good luck and lotsa baby dust to you:)
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13167_tn?1327197724
You know what,  Kay,  I think in a lot of people it is easier,  and more reasonable to think you caused your own bad luck.  It's easier to think you're in control of the bad stuff that happens,  and you are suffering because of past sins,  than it is to think you drew the bad luck card from a random stack.

I think people punish and punish themselves for past "sins" - whatever those might be - because at least they feel like being punished is more reasonable than just reaching into the deck and pulling out the infertility card at random.

Best wishes.  Keep trying,  you're still young.
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Avatar_n_tn
THANK YOU. I'M SO GLAD I FOUND THIS FORUM. YOU LADIES ARE TRULY A COMFORTING SOURCE!!!!
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159354_tn?1286371288
GOD is not punishing you.

If you have asked for forgiveness for your sins....it's already forgotten by HIM.

But never by us, I know that too.  While my 'sins' may not be the same as yours or others....Not one of us are perfect and GOD knows that....not even nuns, preachers....every human has sin.

Heck my little 2 yr old knows how to lie...we are born with it.

I know you will be blessed someday.  Give yourself some time to heal emotionally...maybe you are just not ready.
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176285_tn?1206069158
Kay, I felt the same way.  I was wondering why everyone around me was getting pregnant and didn't even need to be pregnant.  I've been married for 14yrs to the same man.  We both have no children from any previous relationships.  I am 35 and he will be 39.  I've been pregnant 5 times all ending in miscarriages, some are to hard on me to even remember.  I continued to pray and ask God to please let me become a mother so that I could show him that I am the person that he wants me to be in this lifetime and two days before Christmas '06 I found out I was pregnant.  That day I was reasured that God was listening to me or his just got tied of me asking.(LOL) People ask me what I got for Christmas and I get to tell them that I was sent a mircale from above.  Today, I am exactly 14 weeks pregnant and the baby is doing fine.  As for me I am still trying to get use to being pregnant and believing it because I feel so great.  So what ever you do don't give up because mircales do happen.  Take care
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13167_tn?1327197724
Kay - another thought.  Have you talked to your doctor about this?  It sounds like you've had 3 possibly 4 D&C's in your life?  That really stresses your uterus.  

It's not a God punishment thing,  it's like if you break your leg four times in your life it's harder to run a marathon.  

It's stressful on your uterus.  I wonder if there are things that can be done,  medically,  to increase your lining or whatever is the cause of your recent infertility.
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Avatar_n_tn
My doctor claims I'm perfectly normal. After the last D&C I asked him about scarring and what not. He said to just go out and make a baby because their is nothing wrong with me.
Maybe Deanne's right. I probably think I'm ready but emotionally I'm not. I'm giving my DH and I up to August and if nothing happens then I'll look into a fertility doctor.
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Avatar_n_tn
Do not beat yourself down.  Have some serious "fun" with DH and don't think about the past,  Stress can be a big factor. Baby dust to you.\
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159354_tn?1286371288
I don't know, how many m/c natural and how many with d&c did you have....it does take its toll.

Have you thought about a 2nd opinion?  
These drs drive me crazy sometimes....if I didn't push and push I wouldn't have ever found out I had this blood clotting disorder.
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Avatar_n_tn
I didn't get a 2nd opinion but as i said if nothing happens by August i'm definitely going to get a fertility doctor and check out both myself and DH. I'm actually starting to wonder if the problem's with him. I mean i ovulate when i'm supposed to and have regular cycles. We bd on the right day but still nothing. i don't know!!! i really just need to take a break from this. it's enough to drive anyone insane.
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159354_tn?1286371288
I know what you mean...every twinge and I go crazy.  Well, you have a plan and that's good.  August it is....hopefully you won't need that plan but at least you know you can be checked then.

Always thinking of you.
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158812_tn?1189759426
I am so against abortion, that I never respond to any post that discusses abortion...I can't help but to tell you a few things...

You are NOT being punished.  God doesn't sentence out 'punishments'.  

You don't DESERVE this, as a result of your actions.

Stop beating yourself up.  You have made bad choices.  You have to move on from that...there is NO choice.
Bad choices DO NOT equal a bad person.  

Remember, without the bad, we wouldn't recognize GOOD.

I'm sorry that you feel this way, and it seems that your just aching, I feel for you, and will pray for you.  
Take care. Jen
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't believe that God sets out to punish us. If that were the case we ALL would be punished for something, on a daily basis because we all make mistakes and have regrets in life.There are, however, natural consequences for everything we do and it is possible that you are scarred and that you need time to physically heal. From the sounds of it, you also need to emotionally heal and get some closure on your past.  If you feel guilty, I really think that this is a way that God can bring about healing and it allows you the opportunity to talk to God and ask for forgiveness and once you are forgiven--that's it. God wipes the slate clean. Also, God brings about full restoration and I really do think that our mistakes or our failures or whatever we have gone through, can make us stronger and more empathetic towards others. Perhaps you will have the ability to connect with someone else who is going through the same thing or needs support or is wondering what choice to make and maybe your words of kindness or wisdom might make all the difference to that person. Also, no one can judge you unless they are willing to be judged with the same measure themselves. I am so sorry about your m/c. Don't count yourself out of being blessed in the future. Take care!
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