HELP - ACTIVE - TALKING 2 yr old...how to handle???

[deanne11]

Okay..I need some help.  I have a beautiful & strong willed 2 yr old DD.  She's happy & healthy, so strong mentally & physically.  You'd think I'd have it easy but I'm struggling right now & need some advice.

I do NOT want to spank her. I have given little swats on the butt (with diaper) over the past week but it's horrible for me.  Not that it hurts her physically but it hurts her feelings.  Some say you can't be an effective parent without the occasional spanking but 'I think' & I say think because this is my first time parenting.  'I think' I disagree & would like others opinion on this.  I don't believe correcting your child needs to be in the form of spankings.   So here is the dilema I have with her right now & don't know how to handle it

She is VERY talkative, constant, telling me things &aksing question after question.  So much so that I can't get a word in edge wise.  Even to give instruction, like getting ready for school.  Telling her to pack her bookbag, get your coat & hat on.  You know all the fun stuff us working mothers go through every morning.

Some of you are saying, 'she's 2 she shouldn't be responsible to do that herself' but she wants to do it herself, when I try she says 'no, I do  it'.  Which causes another issue there, her telling me 'no'

Am I over reacting?  Is this typical 2 yr old behavior?  Am I to hard on her? Can't punish personality?  But how do you get them to 'listen'...hear you and respond?  Is that to much for a 2 yr old?

[kbrownhh]

I had to laught at the "no I do it" phrase.  I hear that so much with my dd who is also 2.  I usually try to allow enough time to let her make an attempt, but when I don't have the time, I will say lets do it together and she seems to usually be ok with that.  For example, she wants to strap herself into her seat.  I always say, Hannah does top, mommmy does the bottom and she thinks that is great.

As far as the spanking, I personally do believe there is a right time and method for spanking.  I will use it for willfull disobedience and like your daughter, it hurts her feelings more than anything.  I am around several children that are spanked in love and several that aren't and I can tell you the kids that are spanked are much more pleasant to be around....and their will and personality isn't being broken at all.  I have a friend who doesn't spank her child and she is a holy terror and she is the child that goes around hitting and is a lot more agressive than many of the kids I know that are spanked.  I know I am probably in the minority these days as most don't agree with spanking.

Sounds like your daughter is a very normal and healthy 2 year old and the "I do it" will never go away.  Good luck!

[deanne11]

I always thought I was the minority too who believed there is a time for spanking.  Not hitting your child but spanking...Now that I have this little child looking at me with those hurt and teary eyes...I'm not sure.

LOL....I love her so and do not want her taking liberties beyond her control and feel that the spanking is necessary sometimes...especially in times when I've told her 'not' to do something...for danger reasons.

Anyway, thanks for the tip...Abigail and I have the same discussion regarding her car set and top/bottom routine...although I hate that fact that she touches the buckle at all...fearing she'll undo one day while driving...ugggh...motherly love and concern never goes away does it???  Never thought it'd be so stressful to love someone so much.


Thanks again...by the way...love Hannah...that's our next name if GOd blesses us again.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

She sounds like a typical two year old.  Pick your battles and relax.

If she is being deliberately disobedient, try a very short time out.  (no longer in minutes then her age).  I have a specific chair in my kitchen that is the naughty chair. I also make my ds sit on the bottom step.

Now he's three and sometimes he will be very saucy and then he goes and sits himself on the chair.  So hard not to laugh!!!  Oh, and one day when our 15 year old dd was lippy we made her sit on the chair.  (She thought it was hysterically funny, but I didn't want to not punish her as he heard her sauciness).

My daughter was a huge handful as a preschooler and she is a great kid now.  You are doing just fine....the fact that you are such a loving and concerned parent bodes well for your daughter.

The most important piece of advice I could give is make the rules plain and simple and be consistent in enforcing them.  It sounds like you are doing just that.

Oh, start writing this stuff down, I journalled when PJ was a preschooler and we love reading the entries now.

c

[kbrownhh]

I am 5 weeks today and God willing this pregnancy takes, we are considering Abigail!  How funny!

[deanne11]

Thanks for the advice...yes I keep a journal for my little girl.  All her milestones, including the not so pleasant ones.

DD is a great kid.  She did go through a week long hitting fest but it ended as quick as it started.  I know most of the time she is just testing her limits and I'm very consistent with her and it helps alot.

She does take herself to the time out spot too...LOL.  I have to leave the room and laugh because she'll start to do something she knows she's not suppose to and then go 'uhoh' and run to the time out spot.

I just get frustrated....I know every mom does but it's been a hard year

[deanne11]

WOW- really funny.  Abigail Faith...that's our peanut.
She's so great but a handful.  

Good luck with your pregnancy.  I'm praying for a healthy one next month or in January.

After 3 losses this year....I'm in need of a break.

GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR LITTLE ONES.

[jd1419]

I have two active little boys--2 and 3 3/4 (December B-day)  and for them time outs do not work.  If I tried time outs allthe time I would spend more time putting them back in time outs than actually getting anything done.  Sometimes a swat on the but when they are misbehaving is not bad.  Yes, I believe in spanking, but not for everything they do wrong.  Sometime also ignoring them is a good suggestion, they will understand if you don't respond to every littl equestion they need to take a break.  Or they will ask what's wrong--and then you can explain that mommy needs a minute to explain things to her.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Everything is harder when you are under stress and you have certainly had a stressful year.  

I promise you will look back on this in 10 years and marvel that you were worried.  Your daughter will be 12 and going through puberty....Lots of wonderful times ahead for your family, I know it.

[deanne11]

UGGGH puberty...thanks for reminding me.

My 10 yr old niece just got her AF....10!!!!  WTH is going on nowadays...I think I was 13.

[debmejia]

I think every parent goes thru this at one time or another. lol I've noticed with my son one thing that really seems to work is the 1-2-3 method. That way he knows he is doing something he shouldn't and has the ability to stop by the time i get to three. I started implamenting this method when he turned 2 and he is now 3. It took a while for him to understand the concept but now he knows 3 means punishment and rarely gets to that point. I feel the discipline really depends on the child one thing can work for one child that won't work for another. For instance when my son knows i'm upset with him it really bothers him so much that i don't need to spank, not that i haven't in the past when necessary. I think the key is to see what works with her and you. good luck and god bless

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Some folks think it is all the hormones in our beef.  My daughter was almost 14, she was beginning to worry.  Puberty isn't that bad, it's just like pms for three years!  lol

I hope you are feeling good these days.  

God bless you and your family.

[HIS GIFT TO US]

My ds talks sooo much too!!! His big thing now is running from me when I try to change his clothes then when I catch him he kicks me so a SPANKING is the only way to hurry & stop him from kicking my 34wk old baby in the making, not to mention how wonderful it makes your back feel when chasing a screamimg toddler. So the way I see it is if he's old enough to make the decision to run from me & kick me then he's 100% big enough for a SPANKING :) He's really a great kid just when he has his mind made up thats how he thinks it should be, but I guess we r all like that :) LOL  Time outs don't wk, I mean how the heck would I get him to stay in a chair? Unless I held him down which to me seems odd so a spanking wks great for him, it's over & done w/ in a hurry but he gets the ideal! Good Luck & once this baby #2 arrives who knows when he's big enough what will wk for him, but my 2yr old gets the point w/a spanking so thats what we do! We r proud to say he's survived every single one so far :)

No matter what u do just start young so they don't grow up & be like those kids u see on the talk shows & the moms crying that she can't control her kids :)LOL

[Agiesmom]

I think there are better ways than spanking.  My ds was (and still is) extremely spirited and I used time outs and they worked.  And Magic 1-2-3 worked when he was younger--it gave him a few seconds to consider what is being requested and the consequences of not doing it--helpful because he's a very "in the moment" child.

And being active, he had a hard time sitting in a chair for time outs, so I had him sit on the steps to the entryway so he could squirm around while he sat there (one minute for every year old).  I'd also ask him why he was in time out when it was over--I was surprised how he would forget in such a short time (one minute for every year old).

I agree with anxiousmomtobe--relax, leave extra time for her to try to do things herself, pick your battles, and most importantly, be consistent.

[deanne11]

LOL- Sorry I had to laugh at the leave her enough time.

She woke up at 4am this morning and was WIDE awake...calling for me, playing in her bed. She won't get up until I come for her..  Plenty of time to leave by 6:30a...

Also my DD ALWAYS remembers why she went to time out.  It works for her but because I have to say things to her a hundred times over her talking...it just gets frustrating.

This morning...I said...Abby, you need to start listening to mommy when I tell you something....she looked me in the eyes and said 'I'm listening...I can hear you'.

LOL

It took everything in me not to crack up...guess I need to rephrase...the word 'listening'

[AnnieBrooke]

My only addition to these suggestions is that sometime when she is not talking (ha ha ha), you can say to her that there will be times when mommy just doesn't answer her, not because mommy doesn't hear her but because mommy doesn't always feel like talking.  A 2-year-old is just learning her communication skills and it's a fun trip for them to get others to respond, or just to practice.  But that doesn't mean they are unable to understand (if told in advance) that not everyone is in the same phase of life.

[MelzieWelzie]

I go through similar issues with my 2 yr old ds.  He wants to do everything himself--and of course takes his time doing it when we're in a hurry to get somewhere.  Things that I've found work for discipline without needing to spank:

-time outs--1 min for every year of age.  Even in public--I just find a safe place to sit him down and think about what he's being punished for.

-Giving him 2 options--both of which work for me.  Then he feels like he's making his own decision.

-Using the 3 second rule.  Example: "You have until the count of 3 to get in your carseat.  If you're not in it by then, I'm putting you in."  If he's at least on his way in by 3, I let him finish.  Otherwise, always follow through on what you're telling them you're going to do.  I've found this method to be the most effective lately.

No matter what form of punishment you use, it's important to be consistent and that both partners use the same method.  

I hope this helps!

[deanne11]

Thanks everyone for your help....and your advice.

I will take each one to heart.  I do believe every child is different and for that every parent.  Time outs work for me and her but not with DH...she won't listen to his punishment if her life depended on it

Thanks again...I will be learning just as she is...testing what seems to get her attention.

This sounds horrible and I'm not giving her the silent treatment but if she does or says something to hurt my feelings I just get quiet...no yelling or punishment but I stop my talking too.  She hates it...always tries to get a new happy subject going but I just tell her mommy needs to be quiet now....she gets so upset by me being upset her behavior changes on a dime.

Is that emotional blackmail?  LOL - see still learning

[HIS GIFT TO US]

If we try to count my 2yr old just finishes counting to 10 for us :) LOL   Now thats hard to keep a straight face on :)

[siren of the sea]

you can try to get your "MOMMY EARS" working. sometimes you have to just let them go. my neice talks and talks and talks. my sis calls and just says UUUUUHHHHHHHHGGG! lol. my son would tell me "no say no!' when i told him no. i used to spank my son but i stopped. it wasnt effective and i felt like a horrible mother. taking his things away and doing timeouts are working better with him. every child is different as to how they handle discipline. if only they came with a how to book!

[deanne11]

my DD too..the counting...LOL...she just turned 2 in august and knows how to be sarcastic..

i know thats what shes doing....

i'm taking a class at church 'growing kids god's way'....it's so hard to apply those things to a 2 yr old.

who is wise above her age.  does her entire alphabet...counts to 13...uggh.