I am not sure where else to post this... but I was wondering if there was anyone on this forum who had made the decision to only have 1 child? How do you handle others' opinions... such as your mother's... when they are negative? DH & I have decided after 4 miscarriages and 1 complicated pregnancy that we are content and happy with just Isaac, and I do not feel that I will be missing out on something by only having one- but my mom is totally unsettled by this and tells me how he will be spoiled and a brat (which I have known only children who are not this way), and I just... I know its our decision alone, but I am not sure how to handle her response. She seems devastated that I am only going to give her 1 grandchild- and it makes me feel bad but I don't want to have (or try to have) kids just so she can have tons of grandkids.
If you don't want anymore, then don't have anymore! The worse thing you can do is have more kids just to please your mother. She should be grateful she has one grandchild! Do you have any brothers or sisters that will give her more grandkids?
I totally agree... she just makes me feel guilty like her life won't be complete! I do have siblings, a brother and sister, but they have some time (hopefully) before they'll be having kids. I think that I am something of a favorite in a way, I don't really know. I could be totally off on that.
Doesn't your mom always make you feel bad? I thought I had read a post from you about the cruel things your mom says. Maybe I'm wrong. Sweetie, don't feel bad...I was an only child and I turned out fine. Actually, I just made a ton of friends to compensate for having no siblings. They are my family...I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Plus, I always got all the attention :)
you have as many children as you feel comfortable with. It's a very personal decision and I don't think you should really worry about what others think including your mom. She will get other grandchildren from your siblings.
It's a personal decision. Not your mothers.
Only you know what you can handle (emotionally, physically, mentally).
I hate to say this, but if she doesn't let up after you've tried numerous times to talk with her about it, then I'd just tell her I can't have anymore. Surely she won't call your dr to find out the truth.
As for being spoiled...maybe, maybe not. I know a few people who were the only child and some turned out to be brats and some didn't. But I also know people who have three kids or more and some turn out to be brats and some don't.
I also read that an "only" child is more likely to succeed in life. Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia:
The most important finding was that only children are not very different from children with siblings. The main exception to this was the finding that only children are higher in achievement motivation. A second analysis revealed that only children, first-borns, and children with only one sibling score higher on tests of verbal ability than later-borns and children with multiple siblings.
The advantage of only children in test scores and achievement motivation may be due to the greater amount of parental attention they receive. According to the Resource Dilution Model, parental resources (e.g. time to read to the child) are important in development. Because these resources are finite, children with many siblings receive fewer resources.
Also, did you know there is a magazine and web site devoted to only children or people raising only children? onlychild.com
It sounds to me like your baby is a miracle baby. He deserves to be treated like a miracle. He doesn't need a sibling to get that love and attention from your mom.
I believe that I am only going to have one child also. My DD is almost 10 months and she is my everything. She is a very good baby and rarely ever cries but I am a SAHM and I am the only one taking care of her. DH does go to work everyday but when he gets home he does not do anything with her except play. Plus he is a big baby so I am always taking care of him too:) My mom says "just wait until she is 3 and then you will want another baby" well I dont think so. I am content with having one and I really dont think I will want anymore children. DH wants another baby but he has not offered to have it and take care of it:) Anyway if you only want one then only have one, dont let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to focus your love and attention on one child.
I love my son with all my heart, but I definitely do not plan on having any more children. I do think I might like to be a foster parent in about 5-10 years, but no more of my own.
My mom gives me a hard time, too. I told her once I wanted to get 'fixed' and she pouted for a week. I finally told her that if she wants one so bad, she can feel free to get herself preggers, lol! I just shrug off her comments now.
I have always felt there was more to consider than the immediate future. Sure, kids make friends, siblings won't matter. But when you age and your husband ages, the responsibility for caring for you falls on your child(ren) Now that is not to say it will be perfect and easy with a litter of kids. But i am watching my adopted mom go through this now. Her mother has progressed in her dementia, her dad is in his late 80's and has his own health issues, she works full-time AND cares for her grandchildren full-time. She is responsible for everything with regards to her folks and her older brother (he is low-functioning)...by herself.
Where is her time? She is single, has no one to defer to for help.
During my time in the nursing home, I watched many children suffer with being the only one to make the decisions for their parents. I also witnessed the closeness and support of those who had siblings to rely on.
My own FIL is one of 10 or 11 kids, 8 of which are still alive and 6 still live in the same town. When his mother fell ill, he flew back and help take shifts with her until she passed. They wanted to keep her out of a nursing home during her final months and they were able to.
I realize your situation is difficult. But i wanted to give you the other side of the coin. This is a decision only you and your dh can make, no one can or should change your mind.
Wow- thanks for the overwhelming response! Yes... this is not the first thing my mom has given me a hard time about :S I feel so much better after reading everyone's comments - thank you so much! DH and I, when we first got married, were going to have 4 but I just am not the overly motherly type as my mom is... she loves babies, and I am more of a Matel toy (ages 3 and up hehe). I think I was looking for reassurance that I'm not a bad mom for only wanting one and that I am not hurting my son by doing this and I definitely got it- thanks ladies!!!!
Thanks for playing devil's advocate. I do realize that responsibility will fall to my son, but all things considered I do think it is the best thing for us. Plus, since I have so much trouble staying pregnant, having more may not even be an option for us if we were not making the decision. I had the copper IUD placed last week and I've just decided if God really wants me to have more kids it will happen... otherwise I'll plan on it not :)
I agree with many of Andi's points, although you can use that knowledge and perspective to properly prepare and hopefully avoid many of those problems. They are very valid concerns, so make sure you start making arrangements NOW so that your son doesn't have to carry the burden when he's older. Get the proper insurances. Make a living will. When my father fell ill, I had to approach him and have him fill out a living will. It was a very difficult thing for me to do. Luckily, he was lucid enough at the time to make those decisions. They helped me make some very difficult and devastating choices when the time came. And my father wasn't old- he was 48. I do have siblings, but I lived the closest. Plus, my younger brothers were still in their teens.
Tired- my real mother was also 48 when she died. I was only 24 and thank goodness my grandparents were there to help with everything towards the end. The year before I was trying to juggle a new baby, her trips in and out of the hospital, finding her a place to live, etc. My one trip that summer to see John's folks was spent on the phone with the nurses as she was in the ICU...again. Once I moved for dh's work, my grandparents put her in a nursing home and were left dealing with the 3 am calls for ice cream. It was awful.
Bearhitch, I'm an only child and was perfectly content having only my DD too. I loved being an only and I'm most definitely not bratty! I felt that I would be able to do everything for DD and give her the world but DH had other plans!
By the time DD was a little over 2, DH started putting the pressure on and gave me many compelling arguments to have more kids and I agreed to one more. He wanted 3 and I wanted one so we compromised on 2. I have to say that I thank DH all the time for convincing me to have another. It melts my heart seeing my girls playing, hugging and kissing.
Of course, it's very personal but I just wanted to let you know that I felt the same way as you did but obviously, I haven't suffered the losses that you've suffered (I did have one m/c in btwn the 2 kids). Feel good about whatever choice you make and don't try to let your mom make you feel badly about your decision.
my son was an only child till he was 9. well adjusted, smart, all the things a mom could want, but he did get bored. there are pros and cons to single kids just as having multiples. its for you and your husband to decide and honestly id tell mil, anyone in the fam that decides it is their business, where they can stick their opinions! if one is all you have then you can say you have achieved perfection and why try to top that? lol
Some of the best, greatest, most fun memories I have are of my brother and I. I always felt sorry for the kids that had no siblings and also thought it was cruel of the parents to make that decision. Not only that, but I appreciate having someone that I can discuss my upbringing with, who understands everything about my parents and my childhood because he was there, too. I cannot imagine living life or growing up without a sibling. Rainy days, family trips, and life in general was made much more fun, loving and memorable because of that.
It is a personal choice. However, I wanted to give you my perspective on having more than one.
I also wanted to give my opinion too. I am the oldest of 9 children, and the mother of 7. My family is my life. I can honestly say my GREATEST joys come when I see the loving interaction between my children! It is priceless to me to see my 14 year old tough teen boy kissing his 8 month old brother and talking baby talk to him.It is priceless to me to see my 17 year old daughter kindly teaching my 10 year old daughter a new cool way to do her hair. When they are watching a movie all together, and theyre all laying together and cuddling on each other...so sweet. My daughter is starting Jr. high this year and is terrified. But then her big brother, who will be in the same school but two years older, said, "No one is gonna do anything to you cuz I will make sure they don't!" I just LOVE that bonding, that protective feeling among them.
I know it isn't for everyone, but again it is just my opinion that children need siblings.It teaches you things that nothing else can teach in quite the same way.
My siblings and I are very close, and like Jenshim says, its so great to have someone who has the same memories and someone to grow up with.
Now if a medical reason keeps you from being able to have more than one, that's a different story.
But I just wanted to share what I thought about it too.
Well... I appreciate hearing the other side, as there are pros and cons to everything. I just don't want to keep having kids because its unfair to my son as my mom states, or just so he has siblings. Either way, I appreciate everyone's comments... I was just more looking for those who were only having only children or were and how they handled the ridicule that its cruel to only have one.
You know being an only child, I really didn't miss having siblings. I had godsisters who all they did was fight with eachother over everything. I know I was grateful that I didn't have to fight for my toys. Now that I'm engaged and have a son of my own, I would like more than one but that's for my own selfish needs, not for my son to have a sibling....lol. But my fiance's family has become my own and I still don't feel like I missed out on anything. Everyone has their own feelings, unfortunately, it's really up to you. Good luck with any decision you make.
I'm an only child and I HATED hearing the stereotype that we're brats/spoiled. We're not. There's one child to give things to. It doesn't mean we got more or are revered more. I will say we are very independent--which is a good quality to have. My DH is the total opposite and has a sister and I find his neediness to have to be with someone at all times (on the phone, online, or in person) so annoying. I can be in a room with no tv, radio, phone, etc. and be totally fine. I can go anywhere by myself and be fine. I don't have to have someone with me or meet up with someone. Independence and self reliance makes a stronger person. Good luck.
I have only one..he's 12 and not even close to being spoiled because I raised him that way. He doesn't get everything he wants and I always made him share...even if it was with me....Now we are trying for baby # 2 and my Kiddo is so ready to be a big brother....as for what other people think....who cares ?? It's not their life and after having a miscarriage myself i know how hard it can be to over come...tell everyone to mind their own business....and if your mom wants another baby...tell her she can pull an angelina and buy one for herself....LMAO
My hubby only wanted the one we have together (I have 2 older kids). With it being a difficult pregnancy for Nadezdha and everything he was even more insistant about us only having one because he was apparently told by my OB during my labor at the time of the C-Section another pregnancy could endanger my life... something he told me last night and started to get teary eyed worried he would lose me.... I wanted another baby from the day Nadezdha was born.
I was one of 3, my best friend insists on only having her single son who is now almost 16. She just blew a lot of people off when they made suggestions. For her it was the fact she hated being pregnant and felt that raising one child was more than enough for her.
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