How to deal with others' BFPs/Tuesday Open Forum

Good morning!  I need advice.  A good friend of mine just found out she's pregnant. I'm happy for her, but also sad for myself and a bit jealous.  We both started TTC at the same time.  I'm worried that my jealousy is going to create tension in our friendship.  It's just hard to be 100% supportive of her when I'm wondering why it hasn't happened for me yet.  I know I'm not the only one that has had to go through someting like this, so how do you guys cope?

[amy524]

I was in the opposite situation of you.  I was the friend that conceived first.  As a friend, I was very cautious about talking about it in front of her.  I only mentioned it when she asked questions and I tried to be very considerate.  It was hard to do because I wanted to GUSH but I think any true friend will take your feelings into consideration.  It did make the first few months difficult and awkward but it did not change our friendship.  If your friend begins to make you uncomfortable or doesn't seem to understand how upset you are about your own TTC situation...then definitely share your feelings with her b/c NOT talking about it WILL drive a wedge.  Hope that helps.  :)

[shedevil31]

I agree ..good friends go through it all!
Talk openly and honestly with her.. Good things will come!

[cutiemama]

Totally know how you're feeling except that I am blessed with my 2 year old dd so even though I recently m/c I understand the pain when others are announcing their pgs. This past thursday I would have been 12 weeks and announced mine too and there were 3 other moms in my baby groups that just announced theirs and while I was so happy for them, it was a painful experience. Keep positive and hopefully you'll be able to share your bfp story really soon too. Tons and tons of baby dust to you.

[springbabyonway]

this is a kinda touchy subject     i went thru not the same thing but a similar situation. one of my good friends and her sister and i all worked together, her sister(jamie) and i found out preg at about the same time it was exciting, she already had 2 and we would talk about maternity clothes,baby items,names .. all kinds of stuff with pregnancy.    then i miscarried :(
i fell into a depresssion and stayed home for the week. my first day back was tough because everyone kept asking where i was,and i didnt want to explain i lost my child ,but the toughest of all was facing jamie,why did she get to have her baby and mine die... just made my depression worse. in the end i never told her how i felt and kinda kept my distance especially when anything about babies were brought up. now its been over a year and a half and i regret never touching her belly or just plain telling her how i felt-but then again she didnt exactly seem to take my feelings into consideration either.  anyways..... i think you 2 should talk about this.. you dont want to end up like me-distancing yourself and jealous of her-if you talk about things she will be more cautious of your feelings and you can both enjoy her preg together... and who knows maybe your not far behind.

[greenpixie]

Thanks, everyone.  It has been helpful.  We actually did talk about how we might feel when one of us gets pregnant and the other doesn't, so the door is already open.  It's just scary.  

Springbabyonway:  Although I have not experienced a m/c I totally understand those feelings of loss.  It is so hard to feel alone it.  Thanks again for your story.

[emcy2]

Thanks for sharing your story, the same thing happened to me, my frind pg and I m/c. My friend doesnt care and often says pretty mean insensitve things to me, I know she doesntreally mean it and I justtry and be extra nic, sometimesI remind her about my m/c but with her 9wk old it seems so irrelevent to her.
ho hum
have a lucky month everyone,
luv and hugs to all
   xxxxxxxxx

[poetgirl1979]

I SO know how you feel. Let's see, 3 friends from church, one a pretty good friend, my cousin AND my sister-in-law ALL pregnant, around the same time, and then me...nothing nada. It's gotten a little easier, but it's taken 3 months, definately try to talk about it with your friend. I cried and cried when I found out and then as I found out each one was pregnant I cried again. Yes it is hard to be 100% supportive but do your best and if she's a true friend she will understand. I'm so glad I found this site and Kimmie's site or else I don't know WHAT I would've done, I would've gone crazy!!!! I still get upset and think, it's not fair, how come it's so hard for me??? Ah!!! Yes I understand and I'm here for you and so are others, God bless and TONS of baby dust, though I'm going to keep some for me, lol. =D
Love, Anna D.

[mgi]

my friend at work last year starting showing right when I was miscarrying  - that was hard
then this year I started showing while another lady was miscarrying - this lasy won't even talk to me or look at me - I really feel bad for her - but I hope I was never like that to others!

[Liza55]

Probably like most people, you appear excited for them, say nice things and wish them well. I did that a lot, then went home to vent to my husband. I didn't feel depressed, more angry. I m/c'd the first pregnancy, so I'd be like "What the hell did she do different? I eat well, exercise...". It's a coping mechanism. Now, several months later, I'm pregnant again and am so happy I 'acted' supportive to them. Now I really do feel excited for them.

[annabellelee34]

HI Everyone- I am new to your boards.... I have found alot of very interestiong things and really enjoy reading all of your posts. They seem much more real than the books I have been reading. True to life and unedited.

About your BFP thing, yes it is very hard when someone you know is getting pregnant and you find yourself still wishing you were to. WHY me? Well I think like most of the posts I have read, when the time is right it will happen. I am 35 and had a m/c on the 5th of this month. I was soooo happy it finally happened, then it was over before my first ob apt. I was 5 weeks and had only known for a week when I m/c. I had totally forgotten for the last couple of months how much WE wanted it and it actually happened. Heck- I was late for my AF by 2 weeks when I finally started thinking about it. I was buzy with work and life..

The last few weeks have been the hardest for me. I have been obsessing that there is something I could have done different. Why did it happen, what did I do wrong...I was moving furniture the week before I found out, I was drinking 6 cups of coffee a day, and my diet was a mess. I now know that things happen for a reason. I was not ready, my body was not ready (obviously).
Its not me.. I know that. I am not a very religious person. But, if there is a god ladies- he has a plan for all of us.

Look at the things that can be changed in your life, I have told you the small things I changed.(NO MORE CAFFEINE AT ALL)
I have changed many other things as well. I never stopped to think that my lifestyle was not that of a person who really was prepared to be pregnant.

I read several posts that women have said when they stop thinking about it - that is when it happens.... Oh my gosh... THAT IS WHEN IT HAPPENED FOR ME. I was obsessed with it for almost 2 years and then it happened just like that. I thought how hard can it be. Well its not hard if there is no physical challenges. Its only hard because we want it so bad... I wish you all ** baby dust** I love your posts- and I hope I am not here too long:( Your genuine and carefree posts help everyone.)

That is my take on the others BFP thing- I am thrilled for you and it gives me hope.. keep on getting your BFP.s ladies. Its exciting and I dont even know you people..

[poetgirl1979]

Forgot to mention with all those ladies I knew getting preggo I feel like i'm gonna be the LAST one and it can get depressing, but talking to you guys and Kimmie helps, definately. Take care sweetie! =D

[mejoje]

There are no if and or buts about it, it is HARD to face pregnant peole after a m/c. As I said in previous posts, my baby died at 18.4 weeks and I didn't find out until almost 21 weeks at a routine u/s. I work at a larger hospital and I float to all the units of the hospital. When I first found out I only told my imiediate supervisor who said that I need to let the other nurses I work with know and the aid I am working with know so that they can "help me alittle more moving patients". Well before I knew it after a couple of weeks almost everyone knew because I was on all the units at least one time and hospitals are truly like soap operas, everyone gosips!!!

When I m/c I had the D,E, &C done on Dec. 23 2004 and I went back to work the following Monday and everyone still thought I was pg so I was still getting the "get out of here you cann't move this patient" (nicely said of course) and "how are you feeling", "how far allong are you". "when is the baby due", all of those which are harmless in themselves but I was not ready to answer so usually I pretended not to hear. This went on for months!!!! Talk about trying to heal and get over it, every time I thought I was doing good someone would come and ask me again. I learned that news such as m/c does not travel as fast as a good ol fashion BFP! The last one I got was literally in April, I know this because I was already pg with my current BFP and wasn't sure which baby the person was asking about. LOL

Anyway at the hospital there are many pg poeple at any given time and two of them that were with my m/c were horrable! One JUST got married and OOOPPPSSS I GOT PREGNANT! She was about 4 foot 11 inches and maybe 90 pounds and within a few weeks of being pg she was all "OH GOD AM I BLOATED< LOOK AT MY STOMACHE IT'S NOT FLAT ANYMORE" og Good God shoot me!! When I seen her coming I would literally walk the other way as her pg evolved she would lift her shirt in the hallways, pts' rooms, anywhere to show her belly!  The other woman I saw the first day back and she was one weeks behind three weeks behind me so her baby was as old as my Tristen was when he died and she said when someone asked how she was feeling " I just wish I could cut it out now, hahahahaha" mean while I ran to the bathroom crying.

In other words there will be those pregnant people that you wil be fine with ( my sister in law ) and those you want to tear thier eyse out. Even still to this day I'm currently 34 weeks and the lady up the strret is 24 weeks and I CAN NOT STAND HER, she already has 2 children a girl and a boy and siad if there is ANYTHING wrong with this baby including if it was a boy she was going to terminate the pregnancy! She is 38 years old and said this to my sister that is 36 and has been hoping for another child for 8 years and told that she will more than likely need to have a hysterectomy soon!! YEAH, I don't go aroung the lady up the street anymore either.

It will take time but there will always be those woman that you just will not be able to be around. As for your friend talk with her let her know exactly how you feel so she knows how to act around YOU. Most poeple don't know how to do that they will either "OH it will be alright" or totally ignore the fact you are going through anything. So just talk with her, if you are up front and she is any type of friend she will understand where you are coming from and not be hurt. Good luck, God blees, and keep us posted. Hugs to you!

[msQ]

I only read your post and wanted to comment.  I have a 15 month old son. My husband and I  tried for a year to get pregnant.  We were on vacation and I received a call from my best friend letting me know that see just found out she was pregnant. (they was not even trying)  I told her it was not fair and that I was so upset with her,   I told my husband I'm done trying.  Two  months later I was pregnant. It gets better My friends had to have a schedule c-section is was scheduled for August 19th. My due date was October 26.  On August 19th at 3:30am my water broke.  I was rushed to the hospital. (I was on my back for 8 days) I told the nurse that my best friend was coming in today at 12noon for a schedule c-section, and when she got there bring her into my room.  When she walked in the only thing she said laughing was you are determain to have that baby before me aren't you. I had my my son 8 days later on August 26th I was 32 weeks he was 3 lbs 2.7 oz.  he is now 25+ pounds.  This story gets a little better.  I'm now 7 weeks pregnant and two days before my period I was scheduled for surgery to help me get pregent because we had been trying for 8 months and they found out my tubes were blocked.  The took a routine blood test and it came back Postive.  

the moral of my story.  Don't try so hard it will happen when you are not thinging about it.  Good luck and keep me posted.

[is2laugh]

Hi!  I'm new to the boards as well... I had to make the hard phone call to a friend of mine to tell her I am pregnant (10 weeks).  I really didn't want to tell her, but I knew that word would get back to her, so I wanted to make sure it was me who told her and not anyone else.  She has been wanting a baby for years.  Her ex-husband didn't want one.  They ended up divorcing and she's been trying to get pregnant with her new husband since before they were married and it's been almost two years now.  She's 33 and getting worried that it's not going to happen.  So, I'm sure my news wasn't very easy on her since I wasn't really trying and it was rather unexpected (but I'm very excited about it now!).  She was very nice about it when I told her but I could hear in her voice the pain and I hated that it hurt her.  So, I don't plan to talk about it much unless she brings it up (like another person on the board said).  I'm happy and excited and there are other people to help me share my joy.  I wouldn't want to cause her added pain & stress at this time and I wouldn't mind if she's not very supportive.  So... hopefully you're friend will feel the same way.  If you feel jealousy, anger, bitterness... those are natural feelings in this situation... nothing to be ashamed about as long as you don't let them control you in the long run.  You might want to let her know your feelings and hopefully your friend will be understanding too.      

[greenpixie]

Thanks for posting.  It's good to hear from people who have been on both sides.  I know I should relax, but that's so much easier said than done.  Not to mention, I can be a real type A personality so the idea of letting something "just happen" just doesn't set right with me, LOL!  I'm trying though.  I just hope that my BFP comes soon and this won't really be an issue!