Husband or Son

My son has been battling ADHD since 1st grade. He is now in 6th. My husband and son's relationship has never been close, but now is unbearable. For one, he doesn't accept the ADHD thing and calls it an excuse to misbehave. The only time my husband talks to our son is when he's in trouble and it is always with a scowl and distain. Yet he talks to everyone else in the family with a pleasent attitude. My son is to the point where he wants absolutely nothing to do with  his dad and wants me to get a divorce. My husband and I have been quarreling over his treatment of our son for years and it has put a strain on our marriage. I don't know if I should preserve my marriage or spare my son from the terrible relationship with his father.  Any advice?

[AHP84]

I can't really offer much advice, but I just wanted to ask...have you all tried family counseling?

[melimeli]

you can't let anyone abuse your son even if it is your husband...  tell you husband you are done and the price of admission back into the house is treating everyone in the house with love and respect..

have you tried meds for your son?

[mami1323]

I agree with taking the family counseling approach.  But if your husband refuses than I suggest sparing your son from your husbands mistreatment.  We as parents have a responsibility to protect our children and in this case you will be protecting him from his father.  

[Sarah1013]

ditto to what everyone else said. Try to get counseling, if it doesn work leave. its your responsibility to look out for your son because he cant do it himself yet.

[AnnieBrooke]

Yes, your duty is to protect the weakest person in the relationship.  If your husband was 85 and feeble and one of your kids was being rude and verbally abusive, your role would be to protect the husband from the child who is abusing him.  In your case, your very young child is the weak one and your husband is the one with all the power and is being rude and abusive.  Your job is just the same, to protect the weak one from the strong one who is abusing him.  I strongly advise treatment for your child, doing everything recommended like no TV or video games, taking meds if advised, behavioral changes in the family, etc. and also your husband needs to get his fanny in to talk with an ADHD treatment professional so he knows this is not your son's fault, just his symptoms.  He probably thinks your son's behavior is a reflection on him and is frightened at some deep level by this.  If he finally understands ADHD and then still wants a divorce, let him go, he is no prize if he is mean to a small child, especially if it is over something the boy can't even control.  If you divorce, make sure your child- support agreements are ironclad, right out of the paycheck, and ask for alimony too if it is allowed in your state.  What he (your husband) is doing is just so terribly unfair to both the child and to you.

[AnnieBrooke]

Just re-read your post and saw that your son is not a small child, but a 6th grader.  Sorry not to have caught that, but my opinion is still the same.  A kid is the weaker in a relationship between parent and child, and does not deserve the stronger person to be berating him for something he is not doing on purpose.

[heatherlynn22]

as a mother it is your job to protect your child. even if it is from his father. if he is causing that much disdain that the boy wants you to divorce his dad....that's bad. suggest the family counseling (and individual therapy for all three of you) and if your husband refuses...do what you must to protect your son from this verbal abuse.

[momalc]

Thank you for your comments. I am going to try family counseling first. I think that if someone else besides me explains the situation to him, he may try to be better. His whole reasoning for being so stern with my son is that "he's trying to make him into a man", and that he "needs to grow up and learn discipline". He frequently says that my son is the one who is bringing it upon himself and if he would just behave, he wouldn't be in trouble. However, I feel my husband deliberately looks for things to correct him about and he is being a bully. I hope counseling will help our family. I know my daughter would be devistated if we divorced. But her relationship with him is much better. I don't know. It is a very frustrating situation.

[momalc]

I feel like a referee all the time....

[mami1323]

He has that old school mentality or "machismo", if you're spanish you would understand that second one.  That's like telling a boy not to cry because he would be less of a man.  Your husband thinks that he's acting out but it's only because he can't control his emotions.  He's not sensitive to his disorder.  I think he needs to change his entire way of thinking.  I wish you the best.

[AHP84]

What types of behavior from your son is your husband finding fault with? I'm just curious...it seems from your brief descriptions of their interaction that your husband and you have a completely different set of expectations on disciplining him, and your son is unfortunately caught in the middle and catching all the flack, maybe because you're easier on him with discipline (not saying your discipline is less effective, just not as firm as what your husband might expect) and your husband thinks behavior modification would happen faster or more effectively if there were stricter boundaries for him--which of course goes to show that your husband is ignorant of effective ways to work with ADHD, but perhaps it doesn't mean he has no love for his son. Maybe he honestly thinks he's failing his son, and he's wrongly taking his frustrations out on his son rather than educating himself to handle things better.
I don't know...I'm just trying to see the possible other side of the perspective here. The only thing that IS clear in all of this is that your husband is ignorant of finding ways to work with a child with ADHD, and your son is the main person suffering.
But what I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around is how he can act so hateful towards his son with a *true intent* of emotional abuse when he is fine with his other child. I'm not saying this excuses his behavior in any way because he is definitely being a jerk about dealing with the ADHD, the treatments, and not doing anything to learn or find a better way to deal with his son and find common ground with you, but I just don't think that he realizes he's being emotionally abusive; he probably honestly thinks he's doing "right" by his son.
Like I said, I don't know...I'm not there to see your family's interaction, and you haven't really given detailed information or examples of their interaction, or of your interaction together concerning your son, other than saying he gives dirty looks, belittling tones, distances himself from his son, disagrees with you about his treatments, and you feel like a referee. Based on only those descriptions, to me it simply sounds like a misunderstanding and ignorance on his part, but not a genuine intent to be emotionally abusive. Many, many people still do not understand ADHD or even believe it's real (and *occasionally,* kids are misdiagnosed with ADHD when they have something like sensory integration dysfunction instead, and they're treated with meds they don't need that affect their "bad" behavior further), but that doesn't mean those people hate those who are diagnosed with ADHD; they just don't understand. Again, that's no excuse for your husband or anyone else who thinks or feels that way.
But what I'm trying to say is that I think you all have a really good chance to heal and come together IF he agrees to couseling, and you all follow through with it.

I really wish you all the best of luck, and hope this can be worked out so your family can stay together.

[have 2 kids]

I know first hand how hard it is dealing with a child that has ADHD.   It is frustrating beyond words.   You don't go into much detail so it's hard to see if your husband is actually "abusive" towards your son or just doesn't know what to do.   Counseling is a good idea- it gave us ideas to use with our child.   Your son is old enough to make decisions- pick your battles.    We were constantly fighting with our child in 6th and 7th grade to get up for school and always ended up driving her there when she missed the bus.  The counselor told us to put the responsibiltiy back on her.  If she misses the bus she finds her own way to school or stays home.   This worked for us because she loved to go to school.  
      

[momalc]

Well, I believe the reason why my husband and daughter get along so well is because she was a very well behaved kid, never challenged him much. I think you are right about him trying to handle this "old school". But, I know he loves our son, I just don't think he is educated enough to deal with him. As far as discipline goes, I am not easy on my son, but I am much more patient with him. I don't react aggressively, as my husband does,  when he talks back or gets distracted. I just count to three and it reminds him to check his behavior. He may act immature and act out sometimes, but my son is such a loving child. He always wants to sit close to me, hug on me, etc. My husband sees this as "babying" him or "coddling him", but I think kids need affection from their parents. Especially a child who feels the world is against him. I appreciate all the advice you guys have given. It makes me feel as though I am not alone in this. I do have hope that with the help of a counselor that my husband will learn to be more understanding and patient with my son.