I feel horrible

So since everything that has been going on between me and my bf, or whatever you want to call him right now, I have been feeling like I cant handle everything that is going to happen in the next two months.  I am 31 weeks pregnant and am very scared that I cant take care of my baby like I should.  Its not that I dont want him, because I do, but sometimes I just feel like I wont be able to give him everything he wants and I dont know the first thing about being a mom.  This was not a planned pregnancy, I was on birth control and everything, but we werent disappointed when I got pregnant.  Now that my due date is getting closer I am just getting scared that I cant deal with it all.  I have my family here to support me, but if anyone has read my recent posts, me and my bf arent really together at the moment.  We are trying to work things out, and I hope we do, but I really want him to be here with me.  Without him here, I am just so scared and I feel horrible because I dont think I can handle it all.  Has anyone ever felt this way?  I want him to have everything he needs but I dont know very much about babies at all!  I have a worker that comes and sees me every week, she works with younger moms and teaches them how to take care of babies, but I just dont know.  I am just so scared right now.  

[pertykitty]

i will tell you what you are, you are a normal soon to be mom. there are women everyday that question if they can do it, how will they do it, and how will they know HOW to do it. before the birth of my son i wondered how was i going to have this baby, and work full time and manage the house, shopping , cleaning, bills, (exhusband didnt help much). but you know, i learned, and it wasnt hard. i think right now you need to focus on yourself and your baby. im sure your bf is just as scared and im sure he will be there. but you say you have a great support system in your family and that right there is all you need. the rest will fall into place. you are normal.

[mommy2aj]

dh and i wanted children from the day we were married. after 9yrs we finally had our ds. my raging hormones kicked in after the baby was born. here i had wanted and prayed for this baby, only to be left with doubt. i would hold my ds and think i can not do this. what if i can not provide everything or raise him properly. what if i can't protect him from all the crazy people in our world. what if there was someone who could provide and nurture him better than me. all the doubt i put on myself was crazy. i was so ashamed to even be thinking this stuff. then one day i thought, i prayed for him and god gave him to me. i also believe that god won't give me more than i can handle. so i realized i was not going to be a perfect mother and just prayed again for god to be there when i needed guidance. i also prayed to ds grandparents that had previously passed to help keep an eye on him. i was hormonal for about 2wks after my ds was born. one day towards the end of this time i talked to dh and mother about the fears i had had. it helped alot!!

ds  is now 2yr and there is no way i could imagine life w/o him. dh & i sometimes wonder about those 9 yrs w/o ds. it seems like our life only began when we had him.

[RockRose]

Gohawks - I also did the job that your worker does,  who comes and tries to help you get ready for the baby.    This is the time to ask her for help with this decision - she's there because she cares about you and cares about your baby,  and sees a lot of young women in your situation and knows what you are going through.

I will disagree with PertyKitty - not all moms feel overwhelmed and unready to be a mother.    You feel that way because you are overwhelmed,  and unready.  You are feeling what is  reality.

If you have a very supportive family who are willing to step in and help you as a husband would,  and you have financial resources so you're not worried about a place to live or being able to give the baby the care your baby needs,  you'll probably do okay.

This is the time to consider adoption if you realize you really aren't able to take care of your baby.  

Prayers and best wishes for you.

[babyscience]

I think it is normal to feel that way.  I dont have any kids myself...yet.  I am only 7wks now.  But I have plenty of friends who have had kids, some of the women are over 35, have a great husband and great job and are still overwhelmed and dont know if they are cut out for being a good mom.  But in the end they manage and they learn and they have family and friends around them to help out.  The reason why your are overwhelmed now is probably because the bf situtation...I think without a child you would still be overwhelmed with that.   Just think of the time that you werent freaked out that you were preggo and the love you will have for this child.  I am sure you can do it...it will be tough, but lean on people for support.  I am sure your family cares alot about you and your child and will help you succeed at this.

[pertykitty]

you are truely a work of art. i never said all moms feel this way. and if most were honest, i bet they felt that way one time or another. i feel that was a jab at me. how dare you tell her that adoption is what she could consider. we all know you feel get married or give up the baby. you my dear give advice that probably makes most cry. and i really wish i knew what your job is, because helping a woman prepare for a baby shouldnt be you telling them to give up their baby. especially when they are just upset and hormonal. maybe you should find another line of work.

[Wooly25]

I too am feeling the pain but my case is a little different, I am married have been for almost 4 years, I have been with the same guy for almost 7 years, and I am 25 years old, I graduated from College, have a house, but we are trying to sell it.  Anyways I just had my first baby three weeks ago, and our world was shifted that next Monday after she was born, my husband is a teacher and was basically forced to resign from his teaching position because they didn't think he did a good enough job as a coach basically, but they didn't give a damn that he is one of the best, most hard working teachers they will ever see. (I promise I am not bias, he would put in 12 to 16 hour days many times a week to make sure the kids did good and improved themselves, but anyways that all didn't matter) So know he is jobless, and my job is only temporary (till about November) but I am on leave and only getting a fraction of my check for the next 8 weeks.  And we had a plan to move and rent his mom and dad's house since they are building a new one, but small catch is that since he doesn't have a job yet in the area, we might be moving a whole lot farther where I will have no job, after making good money and no one to watch my new baby, plus we have all kinds of school loans and other bills to pay back that we will have no income to pay them with.  So like I said I did the right thing according the what society expects,  went to college, got married, bought a house, got good jobs, and waited and enjoyed our marriage a few years before bringing in a baby and guess what God has put us on a whole new path that we have no idea where we are headed or what we will do.  It's a very scary ride, and having the baby makes it even worse and more scary, because it's not just about us anymore, she is involved and is our world now, but we have no clue what to do next, we are just waiting and watching the world go by one day at a time, and believe me the slower it goes the more I get tore up, but everyday I wake up and I thank God for bringing both my husband and that beautiful little girl in to my life and I could live with nothing by love from them, and I would know that I was going to be ok.  I hope that God opens that door for you soon too, that way you won't have to be in the dark anymore because i know that that dark long hallway is a very terrifying place to be, but I'll hold your hand and together our families can walk and pray that God opens at least a window and lets some light in.  Good luck to you and your family.

[RockRose]

Gohawks - I also did the job that your worker does,  who comes and tries to help you get ready for the baby.    This is the time to ask her for help with this decision - she's there because she cares about you and cares about your baby,  and sees a lot of young women in your situation and knows what you are going through.

I will disagree with PertyKitty - not all moms feel overwhelmed and unready to be a mother.    You feel that way because you are overwhelmed,  and unready.  You are feeling what is  reality.

If you have a very supportive family who are willing to step in and help you as a husband would,  and you have financial resources so you're not worried about a place to live or being able to give the baby the care your baby needs,  you'll probably do okay.

This is the time to consider adoption if you realize you really aren't able to take care of your baby.  

Prayers and best wishes for you.

[mommyof3mpls]

It'll be ok. One day you will look back at this time and wonder why you were so worried. Pregnancy is a very stressful, hormonal, emotional, worrisome time.

But it's not nearly as bad as the first 6 weeks after the baby is born. Please be aware of that. I have had 3 babies, and for me, that first six weeks was pure h.e.l.l. The hormones that took 9 months to build up in your system rush out in a matter of days, leaving you a complete wreck. Not to mention you're leaking something from every orifice of your body, the baby is crying all hours and you're not quite sure what to do yet, every little thing scares you to death. You're exhausted, and sore. It is very, very hard, to say the least. Just a head's up...

Hang in there, and please don't make any life changing decisions until your baby is 6 weeks, 1 day old. ;)

[kris123]

I really feel for you.  You know about me and my ex BF.  Is there anyway you can move in with your family?  Maybe that will help you a little.  I could have moved out on my own, but for me money is an issue and I didn't really want to be alone with a newborn.  I do have my daughter who is 11, but I needed another grown up to help support me - they are my parents.  To tell you the truth I am really scared my self about rasing another child on my own, but I did it with my daughter, I can do it with this one.  I really think the pain of your BF leaving is what is making you feel this way because that is how I felt when I left my BF.  I just felt alone and wondering why I had to do this on my own again.  I couldn't control him or the way he was acting - he just changed so much from doing the drugs.  He did a 180 and his thoughts and feelings about the baby changed and everything.  It will get better with time - time is the only thing that heals -

[toyml99]

I was the same exact way.  I talked to my dr. about all of my fears and how I was just so sure I wasn't going to be a good enough mom.  My dh laughed and said she worries about everything and the dr. turned to him and said that is what makes her a good mom already.  I worried about what I ate while I was preggo what I inhaled and what I touched.  Everything I was a nut for awhile lol.  If you weren't worried I would be alittle concerned.  Just the mere fact that you are already worrying and thinking about your baby should be enough to tell you your going to be a good mommy!  Good luck to you.

[PGB]

you feel like most others do when faced with a new baby.  the concern you feel now will make into a wonderful mom who loves her baby very much.  you don't need to worry about that part.  and if everyone gave up their babies for adoption just because they were afraid they couldn't give them everything, i wouldn't have the 3 children i have now.  and i can't imagine my life without them.  they are my reason for everything i do.  the center of my world.  and i can't give them EVERYTHING they WANT.  i wouldn't even if i could.  i have a lot of friends who do that for their kids, and i don't want my kids to act like their kids do.  i DO give them everything they NEED.  and would do anything in the world for them.  the people who don't worry like you are USUALLY don't worry cause they don't care.  not all of them, i know, but a vast majority.  we're all human, and we all have insecurities.  i'm not a perfect mom, but i don't have to be.  my kids aren't perfect kids either. lol  we compliment each other perfectly.  and you and your baby will do the same.  

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I have no idea how old you are, but I am getting the sense that you are very young and I am sure that makes your situation even more scary.

I think a lot of mum are scared when a new baby is on the way.  I am 40, expecting my 3rd after two losses and I wanted this baby more than anything.  But sometimes I have moments of panic, how am I going to manage it all?  Do I have the time and energy to be a great mum?  Will my other two suffer?  How can I keep my business going?  Most of the time I know it is hormones and I know that this baby is a wonderful gift and I can hardly wait to hold her.

Perhaps you are having normal about to be mummy fears, I really don't know, if I knew you in person I would probably have better advice.

I was a single mum for 10 years and it is not an easy road.  It was rewarding and I am thankful for my dd (now 16) but it is a path that you should carefully consider.  I know you can do it if you have a large support network.  Try to think down the road, how will you handle a two year old, a ten year old, a teenager.  It is very easy to get caught up in the bliss of a baby.  They are so sweet and so loving.  Try to remember that they grow up and often throw tantrums, talk back and stomp up to their rooms declaring that they hate you.  Just remember what you were like as a kid.

Only you can decide if you are truly ready for this.  And it sounds like your bf may not be the support he should be.  I am all for single girls keeping their babies if that is what they truly want.  I am also a huge proponent of adoption.  I think it is an incredibly loving and selfless act to allow another family to raise the child that you love.

For a moment, close your eyes and think of what your dreams were before you found out about this baby.  Maybe this baby will blend into them beautifully or maybe you will conclude that you should consider other options.

Whatever you decide I wish you well and hope and pray for a bright future for you and your baby.

[jenstam]

How old are you? I think it's for the most part normal to feel this way if you are young, not in a stable relationship and faced with an unplanned pregnancy. You are uncertain of your capabilities as a mother and providing for your baby because of the instability in your life right now. If you are thinking about these things and worried, it shows that you care and want the best. Some people never admit to being scared or uncertain and that deserves kudos on your part. The number one thing I feel you have going for you is family support. USE IT because that can be a very valuable source. You are one step ahead of others who don't have even that. Have you shared these concerns with the father of this child and with your family? Do they have any input that might help you? If they don't know how you're feeling it might make it more difficult on your part because you're carrying the burden on your own. You are getting close to deliver. I hope you can sort all of this out before the baby comes. It really is a very special time and I have a feeling you will hold him in your arms and the rest will fall into place.  

[Gohawks]

I am 21 years old.  I love my baby boy already even though he isnt born, so adpotion isnt even being considered.  The thing is I m just scared with everything  right now.  Thanks me for all the advise and input you all gave me.  I have talked to my bf and family and they are there for me.  I think once things settle down with me and my bf things will get better.  Kris, me and my bf moved in with my parents once I found out I was preg so we can save money to get a place when the baby does come.  I think having my parents around trying to tell us whats best was and is still very stressful.  I know they are here to help, but sometimes we need to figure everything out on our own.  THanks for everyones advise!

[Wooly25]

I agree with you 100%, good story.  I also talk to my family that has passed on and ask them for help and to watch over our new baby dd, and I think they do, when I asked for her from God, I also asked them to send a good friend of theirs to us, and I think that did, she is a great baby, very quiet and calm most of the time, she does have a few problems at night, but I would say that she has a hard time adjusting to life with us, just like we are having with her, we'll just have to work out those little kinks together as a family.  And I am sure that before we know it she will be all grown up and moving away to start her own family.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I 100% support you raising your son if you want to.

I just wanted to say that women who give there babies up for adoption LOVE those babies.  It breaks their hearts and they miss that baby forever.  But sometimes women make hard decisions as it is the right thing.  Don't ever say that birth mothers do not love their babies.