I feel like a monster

I'm new at this posting stuff so I'll try to do my best.
I'm 31 years old and 8 weeks pregnant, I'm in a commited relationship for almost 2 years and he is the love of my life... the thing is, all I ever wanted in life was just to get married, it was my dream.. but Ive never ever wanted a baby, it was unplanned and I'm not maternal at ALL, I prefer animals to children, nevertheless when I found out I was pregnant I felt kind of joy and excitement I began reading a lot about pregnancy and babies. My boyfriend proposed to me and I was happy, we started to plan our wedding and I still felt happy, Ive had bad mood swings but very little morning sickness, thanks God! I know I won't be able to have my dream wedding because we have to save almost every penny for our baby... still I felt happy... yesterday I had my first ultrasound and I got to see my baby for the first time, my boyfriend saw it and he cried, tears of joy then I saw it and I felt... nothing.... plain nothing... my biggest concern was to know if I'm going to have a pregnant belly on my wedding day (my wedding is on may 21st, can't move the date) my doctor told me that I WILL have a pregnant belly and that there's nothing I can do about it, and I felt crushed, my whole dream goes to the trash, I started to cry uncontrollably for 2 hours, had a big fight with my boyfriend, he can't understand why I'm more interested in looking good and skinny on my wedding rather than being happy 'cause our baby is fine and growing... I felt so alone and I don't think I'll have someone on my side telling me its ok to feel this way, all my dreams are crushed now, I'll never be myself again, I feel bloated and ugly, I have always been skinny, I'm afraid to look like a whale on my wedding day, I'm supposed to look and feel beautiful... I know I'm being selfish, but I'm just NOT prepared for all this changes I don't think I'll ever be a good mom, I think I'm hurting the baby because the baby can feel that I don't want it anymore, I wish I could tell all this to my boyfriend, but he keeps telling me that I look beautiful and I don't feel like that at all, I've become this jealous monster thinking he's looking at other girls.. please help me I don't know what to do.. I know I'm being a bad, horrible person, I have been a heavy smoker for 10 years and I tried to quit cold turkey but I haven't been able to do it, and I don't know how to do it, every time I grab a cigarette I feel so guilty but then I say to myself It's just one, I'm not hurting it... I feel like I don't have a soul... I don't want to be pregnant......... I don't want to get married and have a belly.... please advice!

[Beccabb]

Firstly your not a horrible person, why not put your wedding off until after the baby there is no rush to be married and to be fair your hormones are all over the place and probably are not helping you and making you more depressed.
  Abd the fact that your trying to quit smoking putting up with trying to beat the cravings.. I vet your cracking up.

as for not wanting the baby or feeling emotionally attached i mean I understand you, you went from not wanting kids to being pregnant and planning your big day!! Talk about stress stress stress! I think it will take time but you will come round to the idea you wont be bloated all of the time it's more Commen at the start because your body is growing to hold the baby,
     On your wedding day keep in mind there will be you and only you who thinks you won't look good enough keep in mind that your going to loom so beautiful in your dress and then even more beautiful because your going to be this glowing pregnant lady! I don't think you should be worried n there won't be one person there who thinks your going to look fat n ugly!

I think you should really talk to your boyfriend rather then keeping these feeling to yourself x hope you can beat your anxiety :) x

[chinesebones]

Just a few thoughts: I was always an animal person and never liked kids- but it really is different when it's your own kid.  I had several miscarriages so I held my feelings back and never let myself love my baby until she was born because I was afraid- when she got here I couldn't love anyone more.

Pregnancy hormones and mood swings are normal.  I had been with my husband for 15 years and was so paranoid about him cheating on me.  I think it's part of pregnancy.

Could you get married at the courthouse and have your "real" wedding after the baby is born?  If not, perhaps you could find a dress that minimized your belly.  Honestly, although you'll have a belly, you won't be huge- it'll still be cute- and a pregnancy belly doesn't look like fat, it looks like a baby belly.

This is a lot for you to get used to at once- give yourself time.  You're not a monster, you're just facing some life-changing events.  Best wishes to you!

[sabbathacat]

I don't want to get married after the baby is born, I feel awful but I don't want to be at my wedding carrying a child, I don't think I'm mom material, I'm having the worst day ever I'm at work and I keep going to the bathroom and cry my eyes out... to make things worse my boyfriend just called me "just to check how I feel" I don't think he cares how I feel, he just wants to know if the baby is ok, and he is horribly mad at me and told me "to find someone else to marry"
I feel like crap, I wish he could understand, but he will never see how hard it is for me, his body is not changing, he's the same, he can drink, smoke, do whatever he wants. Me, my jeans don't fit anymore I used to be a size 0 or 2 and now I have no waist I feel awful...
and EVERYONE including my boyfriend keeps telling me that I should be happy or else I'm hurting the baby because he/she feels what I feel.......... that makes me so sad, everyone i love thinks I'm that horrible to harm the baby....
what do they want me to do?????????????

[Beccabb]

I don't believe that, my fiancé has just finished going through court after being involved in an accident where one of the people sadly didn't make it, the stress I went through and my baby is happy and perfectly healthy,  don't let them put you down you dont need the added stress from them,

Maybe you should go to the doctors alone and talk with them and get some expert advice and decide ways right for you cos your only going to end up spirilling in to a whole lot of depression and you don't want that

[peekawho]

Slow down, my dear.

Early pregnancy is a time of hormones, conflict, joy, terror, happiness, and depression.  Sometimes all in the same day...heck, all in the same hour!  You may swing from mood to mood unpredictably.  Tears may follow smiles.  Its just a roller coaster sometimes.

It does NOT mean you are not a good mother, or that you don't love your baby.  You had a dream of a certain type of wedding, and a certain look at that wedding.  Its changing a little, as your body is changing.   Your fiance is probably confused...this is all unfamiliar territory to him, too.  He's likely never had to be this close to a pregnant woman before!  He just doesn't know how things can go.

I'd suggest a couple of things.   First, if you can afford it, try to see a counselor, just for a few visits, nothing long term unless you feel you need it.  Just to discuss your feelings with someone impartial.  If not a counselor, next best is a trusted friend.  

Secondly, you are not the first pregnant bride.  There are gowns that are made to hide an expanding tummy.  Yours will not be all that big, my dear.  If you are a size 0-2, you may have a BARELY imperceptible bulge by then.  When I had my first, I was very thin.  I didn't show at all until I was nearly 5 months pregnant.   So it won't be like you'll have this gigantic basketball to heave down the aisle.    Seriously...with the right gown, I bet no one will even see.  You do not have a scarlet letter pasted on you to ruin your big day.


Good luck, my dear.

Peekawho

[centralil]

I agree to slow down and take a deep breath. When I was pregnant the first time (11 years ago), I was rather thin. I did not even look like I had a belly at all until 5 or six months. The only difference I could tell was that I looked and felt a little bloated. I could still wear my own clothes until 5 or 6 months. Don't assume that you will be "fat and ugly" at your wedding. Your hormones should settle down some by May. That will help you immensely. And as for not wanting to me a mommy? Don't sweat it. My cousin didn't want to be a mommy either. She now has two kids. She does just fine as a mommy. She has her own parenting style that is different from mine, and you know what? That is just fine. Yours will be different as well.

As far as the comments about finding someone else to marry and not feeling like your boyfriend cares, just remember he is just as scared as you are. He may still be able to drink and smoke, but his whole life is changing too. Just not his body, Unfair, sometimes. But take it one day at a time, Take a deep breath. And when someone else tries to tell you that you should be happy or that you're hurting the baby because of your feelings, just remember that your emotions are just as valid as theirs. It's not their life they're talking about and it's easy to give advice to someone when it's not your life. At this point just tell them that if they aren't going to offer support for your feelings when it's your life and your body, then they need to find another topic to discuss, like the weather. Hopefully they will get the point that their emotions are not the same as what you feel. And when you feel like crying go for it. I spent the entire first pregnancy either crying or puking. And my son turned out just fine.

[RockRose]

sabbatha,  I don't even know what to tell you about the bigger issue here,  your unwanted pregnancy,  and since I really don't have anything wise to say about that,  I'll just   . ..  not.

But the much smaller point here is it's foolish to pin your entire life happiness on one party.  That's just foolish,  from a happiness standpoint.

You could wake up your wedding morning with a migraine.   A huge storm system could come through and flood the church and still be raining so you can't even hold the event outdoors.

A very dear loved one may be hospitalized the day before the wedding and put the whole thing off.    

By placing all your dreams on a perfect wedding,  you're focusing way to narrowly.

No one who is married ever says "the best moment of my life was at my wedding".  They're just not that great.   Other things in life are more profoundly moving than looking pretty in a wedding dress one evening.

Prayers for your that somehow you can work this out.

[Clysta]

I honestly can't believe I'm saying this because I'm so against it, but if pregnancy is seriously bothering you THIS much to the point that youre freaking out about ONE day in your life, there are options out there. Granted your partner might not like them, but this is a consequence of engaging in an activity meant for reproduction. I understand that this is all you want, but there are more important things out there than being skinny on one day. I think RockRose worded it perfectly. Look at the picture as a whole. Looking back what will you really remember more. Your wedding day or other things, such as holding your baby for the first time, hearing the heartbeat, their first laugh..

Trust me. I've been in your situation. I was engaged, had everything ordered, got my dress and the place and then I found out I was pregnant and would be 5 months along when it took place so I had to cancel everything. Sure I was a little disappointed but now holding my baby girl I'd rather take her than anything else. Something else-I also never wanted kids. I hate most little kids. They're annoying, don't listen and drive me mental. I do know this though. It's 100% different when it's yours.

[spiritwolf31]

This one is hard for me on so many different levels. One...I am one of those scrooges that refuses to even spend a lot of money on one day when I can think of thousands of thinks more important to spend it on...like cars or houses...you know those items that will last for years and not just once. But that is just my thoughts on the whole wedding thing. I want to marry just like anyone else but if I can make it like it was just another day I would cuz the more sentimental important aspects of being married comes in time and not in just one day.

As far as the whole pregnancy thing...since I am pro-health for reasons all my own I cant offer any advice as I cannot be unbiased in my opinion but I am going down the same thought as Clysta on one point...there are consequences for participating in those fun reproductive acts without having all the bases covered (if ya know what I mean). So the question for you would have to be...what is important to you and what is best for your life as a whole in the long run??  Let the hormones calm down a bit before answering that cuz right now at the stage your at...those hormones do a lot of ruling on decisions. I did some very out of character things for me when I first got pregnant so I have to take time outs from the world just to sort things out and BREATH...lol!

Good luck and I hope you find the solutions you are so desparately needing.